Friday, April 30, 2010

you won't fool the children of the revolution

We'll allow the grammar fail here in the interest of greater things.
Which is to explain: when your forward lines have a scoring strategy other than "fly down the wing and shoot from the circles," goaltending takes on entirely new dimensions.
We like Jaro. He was good for Slovakia in the Olympics, and man has some talent.
But he was in the wrong zone to play the Pens tonight, and the Pens were in his head.

The opening minutes of this game were sleepy. Fleury got smoked less than five minutes in by P.K. Subban. The fuck kind of goal was that?
. . .whatever.
Obviously giving up the first goal repeatedly in hockey games doesn't phase us whatsoever.
The Canadiens decide to put the hammer down with their power play. . .
and, remembering the vaunted success of their PK against the top guns of the Washington Capitals, decided that Gionta tripping some fuckers was no big.
Russia and Ktang team up to change their tunes right quick, and it's 1-1. Gonchar's poise on the power play is seriously unmatched. Versus couldn't resist jobbing Ben Roethlisberger on-air about who the "best quarterback in Pittsburgh" is. We could have told you fuckers that, jeez.
From then on, we started having our way with Montreal. Sadly, Andrei Markov went down awkwardly on a clean shoulder-directed hit from Matt Cooke:
Their days were numbered after that, let's be honest.
The annoying thing about this is that a.) we never like to see anyone really hurt, and b.) it means they can play for JUSTICE for the rest of the series.
Over/under on how many pissed off fanboys in Montreal who want Cooke's head?
Hit was clean.
Mark Eaton dropped the gloves to settle shit down after the Habs tackled Mattie. Wasn't classified as a fight on the scoresheet, but it definitely calmed everything to the point that the violence of the game was translated to hockey plays and not headhunting.
Solid playoff move.

Jordan Staal waltzes into the slot late on a PP that came out of that scrum.
That dude behind Staal looks like the Mouth of Sauron.
How good is Montreal's PK supposed to be again?

Soon after Crosby lays a big hit on Josh Gorges. Momentum.

Early in the second, another PP, and Ktang sends it to the back of the net.
We'd show you a picture but there are for some reasons more pictures of Markov leaving the ice than there are photos of goals/goal celebrations.
Canadian media conspiracy, clearly.
What a pass by Crosby to set Letang up.
Montreal's PK is so good.
Right after the goal, another huge hit by someone not considered to be way physical when Ponikarovsky lays into O'Byrne.
All kinds of tone-setting going on.
Fleury makes some saves, both little and big, to keep the faith.
The big story of the night is that Jordan Staal fell down, limped to the bench, didn't return, and reportedly left the arena on crutches.
If Jordan Staal misses a game we start looking for Vogons in the sky.

But, moving along:
We'd show you Cammalleri scoring, but God hates him and no one took a picture.
Montreal fans get into some kind of Canadian hugging contest after the big goal:

Never you mind. Let's not start sucking each other's dicks quite yet.
Matt Cooke, Pascal Dupuis, and Craig Fucking Adams set up a play. Cooke drops it back to Dupes who rockets it to Craigsy's tape and it ends up behind Jaroslav.
In the words of the Versus announcers, "That's hockey!"
The look on Adams' face says everything you need to know about what just happened.
Straight up pimp.
Halak is despondent.
Sorry boo. These things have to happen.

Early in the third, at the tail end of yet another power play, Crosby sends like Most Gorgeous Pass Part Deux to Alex Goligoski on the Whitney Play.
After the Pens pour it on some more everyone decides it's Carey Time:
He kept his team in it.
Talbot and Malkin both had breaks and missed.

Pens get some penalties and the Habs eventually capitalize via Brian Gionta.
It's still a two goal game.
But time is their enemy.
They pull Price eventually and the puck gets to Billy G:
Just a bunch of bros bro-ing out.
Pens win.

What's that Jacques Martin?
Oh, were you looking at these GQ motherfuckers?
Check the banner in the background (click for full-size if you can't see it).
We have allies in important places.

And the battle has only just begun.
But really. . .100% on the PP? We're goin' crazy.
And if Staal is injured, we oughta go out there and win it for him. Man is a fucking 21-year-old battleship.
See you fuckers Sunday.

EDIT: Staal out for rest of season.
Torn tendon in ankle.
win it for Uncle Jordy, boys.

Jordy is apparently day-to-day and TSN lied to us all.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

ooooh damn

So, we all know what happened to the Caps.
We don't have much to say. It's all been said, and eloquently, all over the Internet since the win happened.
We could make a list of everything that is wrong with the team, the franchise, and its players. We could make fun of its fans.
But it's been done.
We think that the performance of our team over the past several seasons has spoken for itself, and it's nights like last night that make us proud to be Pens fans.

Guess who's coming to Mellon Arena tomorrow?
The Montreal Canadiens.
The Flyers and the Bruins will have it out up here in my third-home of Boston, Massachusetts, and the city of Montreal will turn its eyes on Pittsburgh.
So far, the magic of the playoffs is paying off for us.
You know what this means?


Harold Priestley

Rest assured, the Penguins will still need to get to their game.
Getting through Halak won't be the hardest thing in the world, but it won't be easy, either. He has at least a little Slovak magic left in the tank.
Montreal's offensive lines aren't awesome, but they can still score.
Their defense blocked all kinds of shots versus Washington and Ovechkin's shot is still one of the best the game has ever seen--so if they're in it mentally, we still have our work cut out for us.
We saw Ottawa win Game 6 this way--by blocking shots. So the boys just have to take more than they can block, crash the net, and get creative. That's how you win in the playoffs.

And by outlasting.
Bring it, Habs.

In addition, Detroit is in San Jose tonight at 9PM.
If someone doesn't take care of those old Swedish bastards, we'll do it, but really. . .Go Sharks tonight.
Fuck Detroit. We're still pissed about the Coyotes.

See you back here tomorrow for the next round.

oh yeah and Crosby got nominated for the Hart Trophy.
So did Ovechkin (wtf suspensions) and Henrik Sedin (omg Art Ross).
Forgot to mention it because it just seemed obvious the way he played all season that he should probably win it.
Henrik has a bigger chance to win it for the numbers, or Ovechkin for his reputation as "passionate."
And let's not forget the President's Trophy.
Or the fact that Mike Green was nominated for Norris (joke).
Dave Tippett for Jack Adams.
Bryzgalov for Vezina.
JStaal for Selke.
blahblahblah regular season accolades are just something to look at on your shelf when you don't have the Cup

We'll see what happens.
once more,

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

coldest story ever told

O Captain! my Captain! our fearful trip is done;
The ship has weather’d every rack, the prize we sought is... not won.

This game was a heartbreaker. It started out with such hope and turned into a blur you watch through your hands. We even got Bertuzzi'd.

Best summed up by this photo:

Bryzzzzzzz!!!! Nooooooo.....

He tried so hard. Shane couldn't play and has a Grade 3 shoulder separation, which means his shoulder is completely out of the joint. Keith Yandle made like Shane's shoulder and peaced the fuck out. The rest of the D went looking for him. Somehow we were outshot 50-33. 0 for 5 on the power play. It goes on and on....

Kudos to the Why So Serious kid. Only thing that made me smile all night.

Wings are on to play the Sharks.

Curry I hope they get fucking killed.

It was a beautiful dream, a Cinderella story, all that shit. I leave you with this beautiful and articulate blonde child who represents my hopes and dreams. Shaaaaaaaaaane:

Habs FTW. Fuck Ovechkin.
Go Pens.

Monday, April 26, 2010

good news everywhere.

Sharks advance despite all odds. We're ecstatic for the boys and hope that they kick ass all the way to the finals, where they will respectfully duck out to the Pens.
The Habs force a game seven. Can you imagine if they knocked out the Caps in the first round? Can you IMAGINE?
We're having dizzy fantasies about Ovie crying on the ice.
Fever dreams of Semin laying face down on a pile of dirty breezers.
Please, Curry, let it all be realized.
Boston sent the Sabres packing.
We're pretty eh about it.

The Hawks are up one over Nashville right now, for the series win. If the Preds win they force a game seven.

As we wait for the results of round one to keep rolling on in, we're having fun messing around with Blingees, playing Marry, Fuck, or Kill, and imagining how hockey players would react in certain social situations.
How would Jordan Staal handle career day at an elementary school?
What would Max Talbot do if a party ran out of cocktail shrimp before he got some?
Would Brooks Orpik jump from the swings or drag his feet to a slow and secure stop?

We're also carefully monitoring the slow growth of our surrogate playoff beard.
Meet Jon.
He is an honorary Penguins fan.
When Jon had to decide between PH staff not shaving their legs for the entirety of the playoffs and growing a beard on our behalf, he made some wise executive decisions. He knows enough about hockey that we feel comfortable letting our beard grow on his face. If you ask him how Varlamov feels about American women or why Hurricanes fans hate Brooks Orpik, he can let you know, and he's learning more every day.
He also has pretty impressive bed head.

Let us know what you're up to.
Oh, and do feel free to share your beards, surrogate or otherwise.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

go west

Coyotes force game seven in Arizona against Detroit.
Detroit was pulling their shit, looking dangerous when they skated into the zone and acting like they knew what they were doing, being "veterans" and all that crap, but Phoenix played defense on them AND played offense on them. Howard was a hack. And they just got worn down. It was beautiful.

Abdelkader flipped his shit like a seventh grader on at least two separate occasions.
And Bryz played too fucking solid for the Wings to handle.

I put myself on Blingee duty before the game, and it did not fail:


The Canucks have moved on:
We admittedly paid no attention to what was going on over here.
JQuick and his Medieval Porno Helmet got Loo'd.
Good job by everyone. Good to see LA in the playoffs, maybe next season, blahblahblah.

Chips are fallin' where they may.
Some await opponents, others just pray they can survive.
Gonna be wild.


Saturday, April 24, 2010

if i had to give you something, then i think i'd go to hell

One of the fun things about being a Pens fan is that they always surprise you.
The Penguins have shown resilience over the past several seasons. Their ability to win in almost any situation has been astounding, and their road mentality is absolutely what has sent them to the Stanley Cup Finals for the past two years. We saw it again today. We saw a little team unity go a long way. Regardless of talent, without the necessary atmosphere and mentality on a very personal level, a championship just isn't as sweet, and the battle level doesn't increase as much.
The Pens have a core of guys that has been together for awhile. They know how to go on the road together and put together a solid performance, even after the opposing team put together their best effort of the season in Mellon Arena the previous game, even after the big heartbreaker--the Penguins knew how to get it together eventually and eke out this win.
The battle level showed up tonight.
And it's going to have to stay in the tank.
Because there are still 12 more wins to a Stanley Cup. And in case you forgot, it's not ours anymore.
12 more to bring it home.

Have you ever been glad to not be somebody? We're glad to not be these bitches:
Do you really want to look like a worthless slut in body paint for a team that pays Andy Sutton to do a bad impersonation of what it would be like if Wade Redden and Chris Pronger had a retarded child?

Matt Cullen scored on a breakaway in the first:
Let's be honest, everyone was a little worried.
The Pens looked like they cared enough, but the sense for the puck didn't seem to be there.
Battle level.
"Marc-André, you are utterly absurd."

Fleury came up big after getting Cullen'd.
Just so much going on in front of the net.
Later, Rupp puts a puck in tight on Leclaire. The puck is on the line, and so is Leclaire's pad. About fifteen years later Toronto decides it's not a goal. Probably the right call. The video suggested that the puck likely crossed the line, but whether it went over completely or not was inconclusive.
We're pretty sure Rupper got one and that Leclaire's Hot Goalie Syndrome had no effect on #17.
But Toronto are assholes and they don't need to agree with the Hand of Justice that the Pens were reaching over the city of Ottawa this evening.
The Pens needed the period to end for this shit to get calmed down, for their minds to get together.
It did.
Cooke was given some ridiculous charging call at the end.
But survival is key.

Then the second started. We kill the power play but Chris Neil takes a dump on Kris Letang and chips a puck over Fleury:

We like the mood lighting in this shot.
It was a dump but it was a romantic dump.
Crosby spends about 4 seconds in the locker room with Chris Stewart. If you're smart you took a shot of something at least 100 proof, but he was back and taking shifts soon enough.

Then the Penguins start running around.
Defense was brutal.
What a weird picture.
Let's not dwell on this.
Cause Matt Cooke did not, and neither did anyone else.
They went to the net and got a goal:
so many humans, and Matt Cooke got a stick on it.
We're back.

Shortly thereafter, the Sens think that they have another goal, but general shenanigans take place which involve Fleury being taken out of the play and the net coming off the moorings.
It is ruled that the net was off when the puck crossed the line.
Correct call based on the overhead view and the net-cam view. Matt Cullen was sparkling all over the paint and tried to push the puck in with his hand?
"The blush on your cheeks is lovely."
Shut up Matt Cullen.
There's a penalty on the play.
The Pens kill it, because they have to.
The late period push features some more hardcore pressuring from little Chris Conner, which we appreciate.
But not there yet.
The third will come.

On the power play, Bill Guerin rips one.
You felt that one coming in the deepest recesses of your heart.
The press didn't and neglected to photograph it, apparently.
After that goal, the doubters started biting their lips a little.
Andy Sutton just runs at Malkin and continually sticks his stick between his legs long after the play has moved away.
Stunning levels of insolence from Andy Sutton. He was getting pissed. He probably knew in that moment that his team was going to lose.
Play moves back to the Sens zone. After a faceoff, Matt Cooke just makes a beeline for Leclaire.
Leclaire gets out of position after a shot from Mark Eaton who was just taking over the world today, let's be honest.
The hugs surround:
The Pens continue to pour on the pressure, but Leclaire is still trying to convince himself that he's not a joke.
Overtime arrives.

And we feel a little something in our guts.

The Sens get their chances on Fleury, who looks calm and collected.
He's tending goal against neighborhood kids in his driveway, it's all good.

Mark Eaton rushes a puck deep. Senators fear his Wilimington, Delaware poise.
Keeps some guys occupied so Staal can dig it free. Gets it to Dupuis.
Pascal rips it past Pascal.
don't cry Jesse Winchester someone will buy you a cake
Nick Foligno. . .you can cry. Dick.

4-3 OT

We felt it, we wanted it, we scratched our way to the surface in this game.
That mentality will serve us well.
[TP] again answered the call for Blingee on Twitter:

[Nicole G]'s test can't be scored because she didn't answer the prompt:

Solid effort by Leclaire though.

Tonight's unsung hero:

4 wins down.
Au revoir, Senators.

Now. . .who's next in line?

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Puck Huffers by Kimberly Davidson and Zoë Hayden is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.