as I lay dying.

Hey everyone.
Kim here, from the desolate quarantined wasteland that is my apartment.
Having slept for an entire day, only breaking to shower, email some people in regards to my whereabouts, mumble various things about my last will and testament, and demand pity and water refills from the bastard who gave me this disease, hockey was an extremely welcome getaway.
Oh Penguins, you clearly were not aware of my suffering, or how you would compound it by falling to Steven Stamkos, the fucking douchiest douche to ever douche.

Here are some pictures and how they make me feel.

Feds getting taken to the locker room after a boarding compliments of Matt Lashoff was one of the first things to happen in the game.
Mister Lashoff, you may think it's safe to strike when PH Staff is weakened, but you remember, we will be at full strength again soon, and your number will be up.

"Kim I found these Twiz-Nibs on a table at the 7-11."
"Are they open?"
"...yeah."
"Don't eat them. You can't just eat open food you find at a 7-11 in North Philly."
"But...not just anyone buys Twiz-Nibs. Someone affluent left them here."
"Srsly, you are going to get mono or AIDs."
"Okay...I won't eat them..."

THAT IS HOW BROTHER STEVEN SCORING IN THE FIRST PERIOD MAKES ME FEEL.
IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I AM SURROUNDED BY RETARDS.
Upon realizing that I am, I feel that much worse.
COME ON BOYS, DON'T DO IT.
Fuck you, Twiz Nibs.
Why must you lure in the weak of mind?



We don't care about your SO.
Let us know when you make the playoffs, you good for nothing guttersluts.

LOLOLOL
Best.
Thank you Mattie. You make my gray skies turn blue.

I'm starting to worry that being ill makes me see cats in everything, but srsly MAF. You are a kitty.



At some point the Lightning score again.
Okay, okay, it was Downie in the second period.
But it was all so fucking vomit, who cares.

Pens 0, Lightning 2
Lighting, fuck offffff.

These are games we CAN'T LOSE. This is PLAYOFF TIME. We need to WIN OUR DIVISION.
Ugh.
It angers us that we can't get this shit together right now.
However, that is 72% brainworms talking. There is another reality to this game.
If you didn't see the game, here is what my fever-addled mind forgot to say for realz:
-The Lightning were out of this world. Seriously. Great effort by them.
-The Pens didn't do too bad, despite really fucking up some chances, including the 5 minute major we scored when Feds went down. You have to score on those, you just have to.
-Feds did in fact come back, and seems fine.
-We're really feeling Malkin's absence.
-MAF still rocked it pretty hard.

I obviously can't string together coherent thoughts that well.
Zoe is going to be taking care of you kids for a while now, and she promises that she won't post anything about cats.
Unless it's dire, like we find photos of the boys cuddling kittens. In which case everything changes.
Oh my god why do I keep talking about cats.
Seriously.

Everything will be lovely, I guarentee it.
The playoffs are soon.
The weather is getting to be lovely.
THINGS ARE WONDERFUL.

We're over it.
Never losing again.
GO PENS.

news you already know.

Pensational asks for a Blingee, and he receives.

I had to sign up for a "Blingee Plus" account.
Sort of unsettling.

Ya'll know what's up.
Tanger, 4 more years, $3.5 million cap hit.
Unicorns and so on.

Some people think this is the best news in the world of the Penguins for the past ten thousand years, save that whole winning the cup business.
Others are like "srsly wtf, why."
Some think that Gonch is curtains.
Blahblahblah, we hate "some people" and don't care what they say.
Here's what we think.

We like Tanger.
He's spirited, a great player, and has the magical blood of a mythological creature.
Also, he provides us with photos like this:
Yaaaaay!

However, there are times where we want to kind of ring him 'round the ears, as our grandmothers would say, because he's overemotional, and when he gets down, it takes him an awful lot to buck back up. Almost never happens in the same game, in fact. One mistake gets him in this weird mood, and he's bound to make more.
We'll keep him.
However, not in the face of losing Gonch.
Tang isn't worth 3.5 a year (unless he starts trending upwards, which we're yet to see enough evidence of), but the reality is that Gonch is getting old. He might take a short-term deal at a discount and we might get both.

Those of you who think the extension has him locked down, don't get too comfortable. Tanger has been our idea of tradebait for some time, and he still is. Remember the extension Whits got? He was still splitscity the moment we decided we needed to make some better moves.
So who knows?
In sHero we trust, obviously.
Either way, right now, we're mildly-pleased-to-indifferent about this move.
Sorry to the Lemangs and Tang fangirls.

Tomorrow we be playin' this man.
Brother Steven has 45 goals.
We mean, like, real goals.
As is, right behind Cappy and Ovie.
No, we mean it.
Yeah, we know, right?
What the fuck.

Despite Brother Steven apparently deciding that he wants to play hockey for a living, this game should be pretty easy for us to throw into the efforts of leading the division.
Who wants Jersey to win, like, anything?
We refuse.
And so will the Pens.

Forgive any shortness in the coming days.
I am Queen Mono of the Diseased Kingdom of Philly.
Take pity. And do tribal dances for my wellness.

More importantly, dance for the Pens.
Are you dancing?
DANCE.

GO PENS.

Andrew Murray Monday

In two straight Columbus Blue Jacket dismantlings of the Chicago Blackhawks, one of our favorite Blue Jackets, Andrew Murray, has scored.
While the Blue Jackets are no longer undefeated when he scores (his 4 goals this season have all come in March; his win percentage is 50%, 62.5% if you count a point gained in OT) we like to consider this a little homage to his (and the Jackets') magical run last season.


Why do we love Andrew Murray?
Why did we spend $50 apiece on game-used Andrew Murray sticks in Columbus once upon a time (after specifically having them call down to the warehouse to fetch them)?
The answer to this question probably belies the unique way in which we feel about hockey.
First of all, he looks a little cross-eyed and joyous.


And this video of him changed our lives beyond belief last season:


His voice is like honey entering our souls or something. He's basically the most pure and beautiful person we can think of.

Is it just us or was he staring into space imagining puppies before the guy asked his first question?


Here's his amazing goal against Vancouver earlier this month.

Also just watch this because Dorsett fights and Jakub Voracek scores on a penalty shot and Murray scores later and it's perfect. And plenty of cannon.

The Hawks are still okay but Hossa's a dick.
Woooooooo.

Thank you for tuning in for Andrew Murray Monday.
We're sorry, we just had to celebrate a little something.
We'll think of something else for tomorrow as we prepare for the Pens/Lightning game and the continuation of our epic ass-kicking homestand.

WOOOOOOO
Go Pens.

we don't want to be those people

Before we head to the night's awards show, we'd like to direct your attention to the blue stage, where we'll be addressing the Post-Gazette's reportage that the 2011 Winter Classic will be at Heinz Field between the Pens and the Caps.
First thing's first, that is just ridiculous.
Okay, seeing a Pens/Caps game with vintage unis in Pittsburgh would be cool. But not in 2011. The overexposure of Sid and Ovechkin has already reached the point of absurdity. All this does is cause the rest of the league to complain about a paper list of the Pens roster being Gary Bettman's favorite masturbatory rag, and cause RIVALRY commentary from idiot people on television, and create an awesome high-octane hockey game that could have been a lot less annoying about three or four years down the line. Sid and Ovechkin are going to be forces far beyond next season, so why not create anticipation around this event?
If this does end up being the case, that the game is at Heinz Field between the Pens and the Caps in 2011, the League just becomes even more of a joke. Again.
There are other teams that could have a chance.
Doing the double-header with a game in Canada between the Flames and the Oilers is an okay idea. . .but why shouldn't that be the main event?
Maybe wait until the Caps franchise has actually done something before letting them into the Classic. . .?
J/k a little on that last bit but still.
Flames/Oilers as the main event for Winter Classic 2011 sounds just about perfect to us as Pens fans.
Just saying.
Maybe in a few years we should have the Classic at PNC Park. The attendance is a lot less but it would be nice to use that beautiful stadium for something exciting. And it is a fucking gorgeous stadium with an amazing view of the city. Can you imagine hockey being played there in a few years, maybe the Pirates can have a winning season, and the Pens can kick the Caps' asses as downtown sparkles above in the winter sunshine.
Of course the NHL won't put it at PNC Park despite obvious advantages because it means that more tickets will be sold at exorbitant prices for people to sit in annoying yellow chairs with a bunch of drunk asshole yinzers who didn't know the Steelers weren't playing.
Okay, we like Heinz Field and we like the Steelers but this would just be puke.

And let's not forget the eternal dream to have Pens/Flyers at Beaver Stadium. Might have to wait until like 2016 or something for that since both teams have just been in a Classic but what a game that would be.

Not next year.
We don't want that.
Not that we won't sell our organs to get tickets because we tend to be in Pittsburgh over New Year's, but still.
It's a stupid idea and we'd rather have that moment in a few years so that it means more, so it feels like more than a stupid marketing/TV ratings ploy, so that it has the magic that it has the potential to have.
And so other great franchises in the NHL have a chance to experience the Winter Classic.

Which segues really well into the awards show, don't you think?
The Leafs would be a fun Winter Classic for Canadians. They have a lot of vintage unis to choose from, for example, and they have a lot of fanboys, and their story of the last few seasons has been pretty rollercoasterpukecanIgetoffnow.
A Classic in the next few years for Toronto would be a fun boost for the franchise and its fanbase. But, Bettman continues to be a complete asshole and roll our franchise out repeatedly, with all of its genuine heart and loving fans, for the benefit of everyone's wallets.

Tonight was a good game for both franchises. Toronto has been a great spoiler here at the end of the season, taking points from teams who are fighting for their playoff lives. The Pens want the #2 seed over Jersey, in short because Jersey blows and we don't care about them.

WHO PREVAILS!??!?!
We shall see. . .on the red carpet:

MOMENT YOU KNEW EVERYONE SHOULD HAVE HAD SOME EXTRA COFFEE BEFORE THE GAME
If anybody's awake at 5PM on a Sunday we question their sanity. It's pretty much the most useless time of the entire week.
Home fans bust out a Let's Go Pens chant right before someone touches up when the Leafs ice it. Bizarre.
Out of nowhere some Leaf gets a breakaway and tries the Forsberg move on Fleury. He has to go down to make the save; Colton Orr thinks he's at the bowling alley with Wayne Primeau and it ends up in the net.
1-0 Leafs. Ugh.
Both teams go through the motions to get chances after that but both goaltenders look sharp.

MOST COURT SUMMONS
Adams and Rupp go out with some extra energy in the form of Tyler Kennedy. Rupp and Adams do the hard work and Kennedy grinds his way to the front of the net. Still so weird to see the puck in the net behind #35 in a leafs uni who isn't Vesa Toskala for PH staff.
Apparently President Tyler is emulating a celebration for a gift pony he didn't particularly like:

GROUP HUG THE PONY WASN'T THAT BAD
. . .much better.
In a continuation of last night's theme, we bring you a pony in a sweater:
are those seriously booties?
. . .and now back to our regularly scheduled program. . .

BEST USE OF SASKATCHEWAN IN TELEVISION BROADCASTING
Some big hits going on and Steiggy and Errey start discussing the merits of Saskatchewan since Kunitz is from Regina and Schenner is from Saskatoon.
"Ever been to Saskatchewan?"
"No, never been. Never been to Saskatchewan. Lotta hay there I think."
Amazing.
Bob Errey is our reason for living.

Pens go on to kill a 5-on-3.
Giguere apparently doesn't know his team is on the PP and thinks we iced the puck and Errey mocks him. Watch your karma Bobby.
31 straight PKs for the Pens.
The Poni-Sid-Dupes line goes out and destroys lives but the period had to end eventually.

DON'T YOU WISH YOU HAD THIS ASSHOLE ON YOUR FANTASY TEAM
Leafs get some zone time but can't do much with it.
Then Kessel enters the zone.
God damn how did that go in
2-1 Leafs

BUT YOU DEFINITELY HAVE THIS GUY ON YOUR FANTASY TEAM
Shortly thereafter Brooks gets the puck to the net like a man and Crosby gets body position on Schenn in front.
It's really funny watching Schenner trying to play hockey with Sidney Crosby.
We love Schenner and his dumb face with all of our hearts but the way Crosby outworked him was hilarious.
Sid's in division-winning mode, he has no feelings.
Getting some shades of Steve Mason's Calder year what with the murdered hookers and shit.
Go Sid Go.
And haaaay Brooks got an assist.
2-2

BEST TV TIMEOUT EVER
The Pens come back from the break with some amazing faceoff play. Brooks drags the puck down the wall and feeds it to Sid.
Goal #2.
If Crosby does manage to win the Rocket Richard we want yunz guys to know right now that the award is still a meaningless regular-season achievement that counts in our hearts a lot less than the Art Ross.
Great leaders know which trophy in the NHL matters.
Still, would be cool if Sid can keep putting up the points.
That's a yummy goal.
3-2 Pens.
Afterwards Tang takes some penalty, Pens kill it and even get some shorthanded chances. If this penalty kill were a condom no one would ever get pregnant.

VOMIT
Some dude named Carl Gunnarsson scores. Apparently they found him when they went snipe hunting for Gustavsson in the Swedish league.
No picture of the goal but we're pretty sure the dude's an android.
thoughts?

Crosby and TK make some amazing play after which Errey calls "brute strength." They should call it that when they draw it up.

Tail end of period Pens get a too much man. TK will serve, which seems appropriate.

I SWEAR I DIDN'T KILL THAT PROSTITUTE
Ever get the feeling that Sid only gives intermission interviews because he knows it's his job? He'd probably rather be taping his stick and imagining his future as the ruler of his own island nation in the Arctic Ocean. No one knows how many prostitutes you have to kill to earn your own island but we'll ask Fat Steve, he probably has a tally.

BEST PK! STILL
Cooke gets a breakway and Giguere doesn't even give a shit because it's Matt Cooke. Mistake.
Talbot lures the Leafs into a false sense of security by carrying it up slowly and then takes it quickly to the net. Giguere says no. Killed after that.

EXCEPT NOT
Colton Orr bowls over Fleury and pins his neck to the ice, and Fleury decides that he's had enough of this shit and takes a penalty trying to fuck up Colton Orr. Colton Orr then just grabs onto Orpik for no apparent reason. Awesome sequence.
Poni will serve this one.

With five seconds left on the penalty, Goalie Karma gives Marc-Andre a slap in the face:
Bozak whatevs
4-3 :(

We get a PP but nothing happens. God damn.

WORST IDEA
So the aluminum pint from Miller Lite is so goddamn trashy we can't process it.
FSN brings it to us on a "fake commercial break." Amazing amount of fail late in the game. Steigerwald is nonplussed.
Who the fuck wants a pint in a can of Miller fucking Lite? God Miller Lite sucks.
Moving on.

THE WADE REDDEN AWARD
Crosby undresses Phaneuf and almost gets the HT.
The crowd gets into it.
The Let's Go Pens reaches playoff volume for a sweet second.

Jordan Leopold?
Jordan Leopold hears it. He sends a rocket to the net which is expertly deflected in by Mattie Cooke.
WE HAVE. . .LIFE!
Poni taps Matt on the head on the bench to show some love.
The arena is loud.
Lots of fast skating on the late period push. It's scary, but no go. OT.

MOST SHARP INTAKES OF BREATH
OT is basically Fleury saving the motherland.
Then Crosby gets a breakaway.
Beauchemin makes the diving play, throws his stick.
That's a penalty.
Remember the outside chance that the Pens would sign Beauchemin in the offseason?
Aren't you glad our defensemen haven't thrown any sticks yet?
God damn.

4-on-3 OT PP is business.
Sid has the hat trick and the game on his stick more times than we care to count but Giguere thinks it's 2007 and time to make some big saves.
Lame.
Shootout time!

Shots 45-29, if not for some defensive lapses we have the Leafs crying to the locker room a long time ago.
Also just take out Colton Orr. Shame Godard wasn't around to drop him.

OTHER REASONS WHY BROOKS ORPIK WAS YOUR #2 STAR
There is some delay to the shootout as the zamboni wants to frolic in the lights some more.
On top of his three assists Orps caused Tanger to make some kind of face before he did his little move.
Tanger didn't score but we still consider this moment significant in terms of the game's thematics and overall narrative arc. Pic via Empty Netters.

Kessel?
Fuck off.

Sid?
Lols of course.

Kulemin? Eat us. Nope.

Duper can win it. Why is Pascal Dupuis the third shooter, you may wonder?
God damn, Pascal.

Iconic picture.
Unreal, amazing sweater in the front row.
It's always the 1990's in Pittsburgh and we love it.

PENS WIN
5-4 SO
JKLSJKLSJDLK

With Jersey choking on dick versus Philly tonight we have a tenuous and possibly temporary hold on the division, but we'll beat it out of somebody. We can do it!

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

MOST INTENSE FACEOFF FACE
JStaal

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Dupes - holy shit who are you
2. JLeo - sex on a stick
3. Jean-Sebastien
probably should have had a real one

Tomorrow, we've planned a post that probably only matters to us and no one else in the world, but you'll just have to deal with that.

Leave your thoughts on the game and the proposed Winter Classic at Heinz Field in the comments. If you like the idea we'll probably make fun of you but whatever.

GO PENS.

rape rape dynamo.

Oh Philadelphia, how green were your fields?
Not very.
This game started out all scary and then turned out to be a gigantic kitten.
And not just any kitten.
A kitten wearing people clothes.
WHEN WILL KITTENS LEARN THAT THEY HAVE NO BUSINESS BEING IN SWEATERS?
Ugh.

Anyway, let's get to the awards before this gets anywhere worse.

AWARD KIM IS LEAST EQUIPPED TO GIVE OUT
Apparently Arron Asham and Scott Hartnell have greasy, hairy dude sex on the ice before I can even get my shit together enough to turn on my television.
This is what it looked like, allegedly.
I have no personal experience to say if it is accurate.
It could be completely photoshopped, for all I know.

FEISTIEST GOALIE AWARD
Maf passes to his defenseman and Giroux is like "EXCUSE ME WHILE I TOUCH YOU AND JUST HANG ON WHILE YOU TRY TO BEAT ME OFF."
Maf doesn't understand. "LOLOLOL SIR YOU ARE ON MY ARM COULD YOU NOT DO THAT MERCI"
Maf gets an extra juicebox at intermission for his trauma.

AWARD THE PRESS IS LEAST EQUIPPED FOR US TO GIVE OUT Claude Giroux goes to the box for his crimes.
We get nothing done. Like, NOTHING.
It's depressing and we all cry about it and look up more kittens in sweaters to calm ourselves.
Finally we get some scrambling by the Flyers net. Billy and Poni can't quite make it happen.
Finally, Kunitz makes it happen.
MAF gets an assist.
THE PRESS DOES NOT.
KITTY WHY ARE YOU IN A SHARK SWEATER OMG YOU HAS A FIN.
Okay, we are more calm now.
Bring on the 2nd period.

MOST UNCOMFORTABLE CALL
Simon Gagne scores.
Meanwhile, MAF is being raped by Ville Leino.
NOW NOW NOW don't get us wrong, but our faces were similar to the faces on the Flyers' bench when we saw that the play was being "reviewed" (okay, not REVIEWED, but talked about in detail after the fact.)
Say what, homes?
We're not saying we think the Flyers deserved this goal.
Nope, not a chance.
But we ARE IN FACT SAYING that to call it off was just a little bit bullshit.
If that were US, in that same situation, we would have been up in arms over it.
As is, we'll take it. But not without noting that it was sort of ridic.

MORE THAN A FEEEEEELINGGGGG
Cappy hits the puck into net-land, but it can't quite make it across the threshold.
Dupes carries it across like a bride still in her gown.
And then the love happens.
Oh my.
Boys.
Can we keep this to the locker room?

Lest anyone cease to be afraid of Cappycakes, REMEMBER THIS:
THE FEAR IS REAL.

THE WUT AWARD
Brian Boucher is in net for the Flyers all of a sudden.
We're a little lost.
Pulling Backlund at 2-1? This has to be injury based, right?
Right.
Right?
WOULD EVERYONE STOP BEING SO SHADY AND JUST TELL US?
We think that he was just crying wolf because he wanted us to believe that those goals were let in simply because he was not "on top of his game."
Mmmmhmmmm sir.
Tell it to this guy.
He doesn't fuckin' buy it.

THE OMNOMNOMNOM AWARD
We're not sure what way all of this is going to go.
Until, that is, Feds hands the puck to Mattie Cooke, who promptly puts it home.
Mattie Cooke scored?
This game = pwned.


LEAST PRESS PARTICIPATION, PART TWO
Cappy and Feds strike fear into the hearts of Philly fans as they drive the final nail into the coffin.
Press hadn't yet caught wind that hockey was being played today.
They won't until around five pm tomorrow. Just in time to miss that game.
We can't imagine how Philly fans felt EXACTLY as the score that was once 2-1 in their favor had somehow become 4-1 in ours.
But we imagine a sweatered cat can help illustrate.
(ominous voice from above: FINISH HIM!)

(ominous voice from above: K-O!)

PENS WIN
4-1
SUCKASSSS

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

LIKE SYRUP OVER HOT WAFFLES
The only difference is that Max Talbot gets mildly less excited over this.

ALT THREE STARS

1) Refs - Where the fuck where your minds? We love it.
2) Cats of the world - For making the world better for all of us, especially MAF.
"LOLOLOL WHY IZ ZHAT KITTIE IN A RAIN JACKET LOLOLOLOL ZHOSE ARE PEOPLE CLOTHEZ YOU CANNOT WEAR ZHEM LOLOLOLOL WANT TO SHARE MY JUICEBOX WITH ME?"
3) Me - I win.


GAME TOMORROW
BE THERE OR BE somewhere else.

GO PENS