Sunday, February 28, 2010

show me where it hurts.

Okay, well, not SO much ouch. Gawwwww.

Our initial reaction to the overtime goal was that very foreign-to-our-mouths FUCK YOU SIDNEY CROSBY.
We felt remorse for maybe ten seconds. Then a familiar sight drove it from our minds, just out of instinct.
Alright, alright. Have your way, Cappycakes.

We didn't want to lose, obviously. And as much as we didn't want to lose, we really had come to a point where we didn't want Canada to win. It felt like we were rooting against an entire nation of Habs fans, the air of over-entitled douchery that was about. But we don't actually consider this a win for Canada. We consider this a win for Sidney Crosby, and in some way that makes it a win for Pittsburgh, which makes it a win for us here at PH.
Hey Ovie, did...did you score the GWG in overtime to get the gold for your country?
Was that you?
Hey Ovie, where's your medal?
Why, that looks a mighty lot like a bit of foil fashioned into a circle hanging from some twine.

Buck up, fellas. Silver's nothing to feel down about.

The mothers of PH staff are really something special. Both Zoe's and my own mother have always tried their hardest to keep up with the world of hockey, just to try to relate to us, Curry bless their souls.
When this game was over, I got a call from my PHMom. It went something like this:
"So! How did you like that game?!"
" know. A little upset."
"Yes! But if we had to lose, at least it was to Sidney, and Miller was just amazing! Hey, that Ryan Malone, he was on the Penguins, right? And Ryan Whitney. And Eric Staal, is that Jordan Staal's brother?" (take a shot)
"*stunned silence.*"

So there you have it, team USA. My mother having some idea of who you are is worth more than any gold medal, I can promise you that.

If you're still feeling down, here's the weirdest photo of the night:
Will Arnett, what are you doing with an out of focus Jason Bateman in the background, intensely watching hockey?
We're going to bed now.
Fuck Canada.
But Sidney Crosby, you can rape us and steal our dreams any 'ol day of the week.

Fuck Canada. Will deal with this in due time. Congratulations to the United States team for showing the heart. We love you.

Friday, February 26, 2010


lol Roberto

We wanted this as much as you did, honestly.

Enjoy it while it lasts. . .
We declare war.

you know itttt

Peace, Finland. We liked you but you were inconveniently in the way of our gold medal.

Kiprusoff had a meltdown in the first, and Finland came strong for the rest of the game.
But we put the hammer down.
Bronze medal game tomorrow, gold medal game on Sunday.
In about two hours we see if it's the Canadians or the Slovaks next in line for a dick-whip.

Congratulations to everyone in the tournament who has thus far been eliminated--because making it to Olympic ice is still a big deal, regardless of who you are.
For most of the men on the US team, this is the biggest stage of their international careers.
You probably looked at the US roster and were like, "Tim Gleason? Seriously? And Ryan Miller isn't that good. . .we're fucked."
But the team came together and we believe, like good little girls, that it is because of heart and determination and belief that we have this chance.
We believe that they will give it their best.

We'll update later and cover the bronze medal game tomorrow.


Thursday, February 25, 2010

oh hai.

Some congrats are in order The silver is pretty pimp.
It's second place, but hey, it's second place in the Olympics. Ladies, you worked hard, and we're damn proud to send you out there to represent.

Also, can we send out some mad props to these ladies for playing hockey AND looking good? Serious eyeliner action. She's clearly all woman.

In other news, never did we think we'd see this handshake and scream degrading things at Sid and not Ovie good job Canada! This game was a weird fenzy of us screaming things like "WHAT WE REALLY NEED IS OVIE ON THE BREAKAWAY!" and "GO SASHA!"
At least we were comfortable with "FUCK YES DADDY GONCH!"
It was painful and full of agony for us.
By the end we were trying to book flights to make sure we could watch Canada burn. No worries, we checked most of our outright aggression at the door. Something overtook us for a moment...a lot of our frustration over midterms might have gotten mixed up with our feelings about Canada.
We'll take a breather.
Luckily never for a moment did we even pretend to like the wet towel that is Semin, so our souls are intact.

Next stop for team USA:
Overwhelming cuteness.
Really, Miikka, this is going to hurt us. But we've dealt with it before, you aren't one of our boys. So every once in awhile we have to root for your destruction. And here it is again.
We all love the Finnish here at PH.
Both Zoe and myself have had missed opportunities to visit Finland and it hurts us. Any time I ask my family in Denmark to escort me on the relatively short trip, they exclaim that the Finnish are "too weird." Zoe had a chance during her time living in the Netherlands, but due to something involving a motorcycle or a hot air balloon or homosexual scooter (I don't really remember or feel like clarifying with her at the moment) she missed her chance.
But one day we will visit and take part in Finnish shenanigans. Tomorrow, however, is not the time for Finnish shenanigans, as we will be playing for a place in the gold medal game.
Of course, as always, go USA.

We're sorry this has become USAblog for the Olympic break, but really, that's who we are and THIS IS OUR BLOG OMG OKAY CAN YOU JUST DEAL FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS.
You are our favorites and we love you all, no matter the team you are cheering for or the country you hail from. You know why?
We're Pens fans.
And so are you.

Go Pens

Wednesday, February 24, 2010


This page should probably be your life for the next couple of days.

For the eight teams still in the running, it's three victories to a gold medal.
The stakes are huge at this point, and if you've made it this far, you probably have a chance. Face it.

The United States will play Switzerland at 3PM EST.
We have Jonas to get through.
Not the hardest thing in the world to do but it shouldn't be taken lightly.

Finland-Czech Republic at 10PM EST.
If you're gonna be up late Sweden-Slovakia is at midnight.

But the big deal here is Canada-Russia. At 7:30PM EST, two teams that were favorites to medal have the chance to destroy each other's dreams. We, as the United States of America, made this possible. It's a gift and a curse.

Oh yeah and like the 5429054230 other talented people involved in this game.
Babcock is starting Luongo, which he probably saw in tea leaves.
We're guessing Nabokov in goal for the Russians because we don't actually know. He was 92% against the Czechs.
If we were coaching Russia we'd start Bryz because we believe that every time Bryz puts his pads on he wants to play the game of his life. But Nabby is good and there's a reason we're not coaches.

How to handle this game?
We don't know.
Who do you root for? We have favorite players on both teams.
Rooting for Russia is basically rooting against the hopes and dreams of an entire nation.
We don't know if that's a good thing or not.
All we can do is watch.
We're wary of standing with Canada here. We love Canada but have reason to distrust them.
You just have to appreciate what you're going to see tonight.
Hopefully a game for the ages.
Canada didn't so much earn the right to play Russia as shit on Germany's face before looking out the window to see Russia trying to park their car on the lawn.
Bizarre times.

But we will worry about Switzerland first.
They will be dealt with.
Ain't no fucking reason to stop now.
Go boys go.

Monday, February 22, 2010

USA, Canada, and more reasons we love hockey.

We're proud of the USA hockey team.
That's that.
We're not going to rub it in, make a post full of "take that!" or generally act like we have some sort of agenda to throw down against Canadians as Americans the way we feel the need to throw down against Caps fans as Penguins fans.
Generally that's why we don't feel the need to recap such games; we're rooting for USA because the day you can't root for your own country's sports team is the day you are as bad as those who don't choose their own NHL team for the Cup win. Even if you're a Lightning fan, you should be screaming about how this year - along with every other year - is your year for the Cup.
Whatever your country, you should have your eye on the gold.
It's called pride and we have it.

America doesn't have the star power that the Canadian team does, so every victory is in some way like a Blue Jackets victory, and we're down with that. Ryan Miller was out of his mind. The team did some great things and the game was just a beautiful display of athletics. It was a good game, Canada. We shake you warmly by the hand and wish you all the luck in your games, unless they come between us and the gold.

Now, we'd like to touch on a little on an important topic to us.
Haaay there sexy, we miss you.
We'll agree with any other Sid fan in saying this: Sidney Crosby fuckin' deserves gold. He just does.
Does he deserve it this year? Sure, whatevs. Will he deserve it more next time the winter Olympics roll around? Yes.
We can't root for him. It's just against the things we believe in. But we will be endlessly happy if he gets it, any time. We're just saying, we'd rather him get it in 4 years when he's the captain of Team Canada.
Write it down.

Olympic hockey shows the world in a broader, slightly less personal way, some of the major reasons we are in love with hockey.

Your team is your team for a reason, be it where you live, the people you grew up with, the people you choose to associate yourself with, what have you. There is a sense of pride that connects you to your team, and you are trusting them to do right by that pride.
In the NHL season, we stand by our home town, something that we feel represents us as people. Zoe and I have talked about this a number of times and have made multiple posts to the effect; Pittsburgh is more than a place to us, it is an idea. The hard work, the friendliness, the slow pace of life, and the things and people that we love the most are all what we see in Pittsburgh. So when we put that pride into the Penguins, we are putting a part of ourselves into it. They fight for us and we have unwaivering faith.

In the Olympics, we stand by our country. We have both lived here the majority of our lives, and while sure, we have attachments to other places and know that the USA isn't perfect by any means, it is the place that we consider home. And Curry knows we love our home. So our faith is with the USA hockey team, and we will stand behind them, unquestioningly. Even if that does mean rooting against some people we really like and some places we're quite fond of. Home is home.
As Herb Brooks said, you're looking for players whose name on the front of the sweater is more important than the one on the back.
And of course, the long time favorite that we always blushingly think of as a hockey quote despite it being about war or some shit, GK Chesterton once said "The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves what is behind him."
We don't hate you, Canada.
We just love home.

Another reason we love hockey is that in the Olympics - as in the NHL, as in the minor leagues, as in most all sports - there is a winner and a loser.
Life is ambiguity. In all situations, even if we want a winner and a loser, it is more complicated that that. There are grey areas and mixed emotions and different perspectives. Sometimes you think you've won only to find out that you are losing, and terribly. People let you down, things fall apart, and even when everything is wonderful, there's never a total feeling of security.
In sports, we have that.
When you win the Cup, when you win the gold, no one can ever take that away from you. You will always be remembered for having that win in that year, for being those heroes.
In life, things can be taken away from you arbitrarily and with no real warning. Love and success and sex and money, they can all just vanish. But no one can ever take that victory away from you.
Life is so much simpler with heroes and villains, winners and losers. Rules, guidelines, limited, solid time frames, all of it makes us love the idea of sports, particularly hockey. While the wild unpredictability of hockey in spite of the rules makes it the most beautiful sport, at the end of the day, there is a winner. It will never let us down (even if the NHL does.)

Through good times and bad, no matter what is happening in our lives or in the world, we have hockey. It's one of the few things that keeps us sane. If everything crumbles and we are dying alive in the fashion of JJ, we can still have faith that somewhere nearby, sometime soon, we can catch a hockey game.

And that makes everything better.

Go Penguins.

P.S.- If you want your brain to melt, check it out. We don't know how to process that.

Sunday, February 21, 2010



USA wins 5-3.
Moar later.

Saturday, February 20, 2010

upsets and legends

Things are starting to get interesting.
The "giants" of the tournament look a lot less giant now.
Teemu Selanne is a golden god.
Not to mention a fountain of sex.
Currently holds the record for most career Olympic points. Beast.

Sweden still thinks they know what they're doing with a 4-2 win over Belarus yesterday. Puke.
But hey, the US is doing pretty well!
Not that we've faced the "giants" yet.
Not that we've had to play against Sidney Crosby or Evgeni Malkin.

Today for men's hockey isn't too huge. A lot of the little guys are fighting.
Keep an eye on Slovakia-Latvia though.
Slovakia could be gearing up for more stunners in the future (e.g. their win over Russia).

Tomorrow is a bigger day.
We will live to see it.

USA men's curling going on right now. . .women's later tonight.
They can't win shit but we love them anyway.
Down 6-5 to Sweden in the 8th.

Go boys go.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

olympics, wut?

Some things are just odd to see.
For example.
That's our captain.
Hey! That's our Brooksie.

It's like some weird sort of jealous pride.
These are our boys.
And now other people consider them theirs?
We don't know about this.
We're not sure if that is a shadow or a hole in the crotch of Malkin's breezers in order to allow him easy access to dick whip people mid-game.
We wouldn't be surprised either way.

USA beat Norway into dust 6-1.
There's something much less exciting about Olympic win photos.
We don't know what that's all about, but it's weird.
It makes sense, in a way.
The Olympics are like a more serious ASG. You're just with a bunch of people you don't know. Sure, what you are working towards is hella important in the whole pride sort of way, but the people you're working with aren't necessarily your friends.
It's less adorable.
Leave it to us to think at "adorableness" is an important factor in ice hockey.

In other news, the USA women's team is kicking srs ass.
Blanked another set of homers.
This time Finland, 6-0.
Slovakia and Russia is on later tonight, and Canada and Switzerland are happening right this very moment.

The Winter Olympics are an exciting time.
There's hockey.
There's snowboarding.
There's fuckin' skeleton, which we still don't understand but find insane.
If you imagine certain hockey players trying this out, it's a great time. Max Talbot. Vesa Toskala. Chris Osgood. Seriously, it's hours of entertainment in your mind, FOR FREE.
Srsly, just Max in the uniform is enough to giggle over for days.

And of course, as with all world events, there are Canadians.
Why do we ever let them out in public? Let alone on the world stage.


Wednesday, February 17, 2010

but we thought it was the powder room, sir

Hopefully someone will be here later with a forrealz post later today, but we just wanted to comment:

Sweden/Germany tied at 0 after 1 period.

Edit: Sweden wins 2-0. Hard-fought though. Germany is the redheaded stepchild of the tournament so if they had a hard time with those guys then we should like our chances.

Monday, February 15, 2010

how the olympics make us FEEL

Welcome, all, to the masturbatory post in which PH staff tells you who we like best in the Olympics.
Pay attention.
US versus Switzerland prelim game today at 3PM.
IT! HAS! BEGUN!!!!!!

We all picked the teams we are rooting for/the teams we think will actually medal. Also optional was a team that you want to choke on a dick.


I want there to be a Russia-USA final in men's hockey, with Russia coming out victorious. After a lot of thought of which of these teams I want to win gold, I've decided this time around to root for Russia. In 02 I was hardcore rooting for Canada, for Mario. I'm not sure there was anyone happier than the 13 year old American girl running up and down her street after weeks of ridicule in school once Canada won gold. "Commie" they said. "You're not Canadian, you're an American." But alas, hockey is first and foremost Canada's game, and Mario was getting older. So I took the choruses of commie in stride, and looked proudly upon my Team Canada Mario Lemieux wall posters in solitude. It's funny for me to think, 8 years later, what those high school haters would say to me this time around, now that I'm pulling for the real "commies."

1) Russia. I want Mother Russia to bring home the gold, simply because they're the team with the most players I like. Honestly, the thought of Malkin, Ovechkin and Kovalchuk on the same team makes me salivate. Aleksey Morozov has always been a favorite of mine, and I'm so excited to watch him play again, albeit for only 2 weeks. Basically, I am really into every player on that team, and for the few non-NHLers I've never heard of, they must be cool because all Russians are bad ass.

2) USA. Ok, what type of human would I be if my home country wasn't on my list? To be honest, USA would definitely be my number 1, if one little thing was different. His name is Scuderi, Rob Scuderi. (Yes, I watched a James Bond movie for the first time last night). I was over the moon about the possibility of Scuderi and Orpik being reunited on D for a few weeks. However, for some reason, my pleas over twitter for #ScuderiforUSA fell on deaf ears. As it is, I'm very happy for Brooks, and Ryan Malone, and would not be upset to see them bring home the gold. Even Ryan Whitney, despite the fact that Scuderi should have been in instead of him.

3) Canada. I love Canada. Every year, if the Oenguins are not in the Cup final, and there is no team I really feel attached to, I will cheer for the Canadian team, if there is one present. I just feel like Canada is entitled to win stuff every so often. However, not this Olympics. Even though there are a few Canadian team members in into, there's just not as many as Russia. Sids a youngin. He's got another 2 or 3 Olympics to make it happen.

4) Belarus. Ok, really, the only reason this here is because Zoë told me to pick 4 teams. I had my set top 3, and decided I would be a good girlfriend, and throw in the team that my Belorussian boyfriend is rooting for. Now, I am not disillusioned enough to think Belarus actually has a chance at a gold medal, but hey, if they could pull off some crazy shocking shenanigans, that would be great.

Who I actually think is going to medal? idk, I'm going to be awesomely funny and say biggest upset all time and go with 1) Slovokia 2) Czech 3) Sweden.

Top Teams:

Group A - Patriot. I love my Brooks and I want him to win shiny things so that when he stares blankly, at least it is at gold. Norway and Switzerland are non-issues and I do not care what happens to them. I realize that there is going to be an epic battle on the 21st and really, I sort of accept that it's in Vancouver and someone amazing will probably sing their national anthem (hopefully not Celine) and they'll be so overcome by emotion that it will turn into a massacre. I sort of giggle when I think of Patrick Kane going up against epic Team Canada... I just don't see how this could go well unless Norway has a pact with Brian Burke and totally kneecaps Sid. Switzerland would never do it, obvs, because they're neutral.

Group B - Czechs!!! I love Michaleks! They are adorable and they will own Slovakia. Not so much Russia, but at least maybe they can have fun with the Latvians. Good luck, Z!

Group C- Gotta go with Finland mainly because of Sami Lepistö but with a little Teemu on the side. Finland will eat Sweden for breakfast!

Least fav team: the Ruskies. They give me such a complex. I'm beyond conflicted because I love Malks. Really, I do. But, seriously. They aren't even a country, they're a "Federation". WTF. Suck it, Datsyuk. Eat shit and die, Kovalchuk. Heart you, Bryz. Go hang yourself, Semin. Wooo, Gonch. They're playing with my emotions. I think they like it that way, and it pisses me off.

Honestly, I think it's going to come out Canada, Russia, USA but I WANT it to come out USA, Canada, Czech, Every Other Team Ever, and Russia disqualified for having too many Ilyas. All that matters is that Rick Nash wins a gold medal so it can ease the sting when he never wins the Stanley Cup.

1.) Gotta root for USA first. Just patriotism, which I have very, very, very little of, so take note of it. And. . .you know. . .Brooks Orpik. Would be more emphatic about my #1 pick, but I think Ryan Miller is kind of a little bitch. Tim Thomas is fat but good fat. I cried during his Vezina speech so I have to give the man something. I wish he were starting. ALAS. Also: Whits, Malone (duh). Dustin Brown. Bobby Ryan. I can always dream. I'm not a fan of a lot of the guys on the team (I'm looking at you, Brian Rafalski! And Jamie you are getting fromaldehyde everywhere STOP IT) but it's USA and they're a young, inexperienced team and I always, always, always root underdog.

2.) Finland, but just on general principle. They have Teemu. They have Jarkko Ruutu (a man I miss with all my heart). And fucking Miikka fucking Kipprusoff. And THEY ARE FINNISH. Cloudberry liquor for everyone!!!!!

3.) Russia! I have a love affair with Russia going way back and have done a fair amount of research on Soviet art and culture, which, despite Russia not being a communist state anymore, still has a profound influence on how Russia is perceived by the outside world, and how their culture operates nowadays. Communism was the "enemy" way back when and there's something romantic about the "evil" Reds winning over the Western world. And really, I can't forget: Malks! Gonch! Bryz! Nabby! Okay, they have Ovechkin. And Kovalchuk is a hair-tossing diva. And Semin is just a rat bastard. But if Morozov is captain he will help them all know what's what so I'm not going to waste time being concerned.

4.) I love Canada and I love a lot of the boys on this team but they're favored to win and thus they just don't need my support as much as some of the other boys. They're the host nation after all. I hope they do well, but then again I don't. I love it when magic happens. If Canada is to win anything they better sure as fuck make it magical.

Actual medals: prolly Canada for gold, Russia for silver. I want to be a homer and give USA the bronze so I will. Because my TOKEN CHOKE A DICK TEAM is (surprise) Sweden. I hope they choke and die and then. . .burn. Yeah. Burn. That sounds about right.
To quote a drunken friend who was once dissatisfied with his Swedish vodka: Fuck the fucking Swedes.

Has a lot of class today and couldn't be here but she says she agrees with me.
Which may or may not be true.

So. . .
I think we can all agree that we want USA to win the USA/Switzerland game today, right?
I don't know how to end a post without saying Go Pens.
Go Brooks?

Sunday, February 14, 2010

mwah, mwah, mwah. a recap + some.

What a Valentines Day Gift.Hopefully some hottie in your life hooked you up with something a little more sexy for the occasion, because the lovejams weren't happening in Mellon Arena yesterday.
Not to say the game wasn't fought well or that it wasn't extremely entertaining, because that is simply not the case.
That hanging penguin photo just got into our press box and we couldn't help ourselves.
A polar bear got the same treatment.
People are so goddamn weird.
Anyway, sorry for the lateness of the past two recaps, we were all caught up in the celebration of a holiday created by women to steal men's money, and rightfully so.

We've got a lot of stuff to cover right now, so we're cashing in on a photo recap.

Gonch and Cappy make sweet sweet love in the first to get a power play goal, reminding us that things can't be all bad, all the time. Malks gets the secondary, meaning that he's had points in like, one trillion straight games. (13)

Malks takes some penalties for being naughty. Billy G helps him serve it out.
Martin Erat thinks he'll have some fun while there's a little bit of glass between him and certain death at the hands of Mister Billy and Malks, who clearly Has The Fire. Is the man like 5 feet tall? What the hell is wrong with him.

Mattie Cooke brings it back home by hanging out in the net and making sure he picked up the trash.
This game is making us a little woozy at this point. We have to get out some of our Valentines chocolates to deal.

Tootoo, I say.
We were given heart attacks by a man named Tootoo.
Also, can we point out that the Preds are not a good looking team? You get some sexy teams in hockey. Nashville does not act as home to one of them.
Then again, we have high standards in Pittsburgh.
Our Penguins are sort of top notch.

PS - Fleury is being sick.

And then, of course, IT happened.
Brooks Orpik gets a sick one-timer off a faceoff, and it is the most beautiful thing. LOOK HOW HAPPY EVERYONE IS. Mellon starts chanting "USA!" The game recap includes the statement "Team USA's Orpik scored for the first time in 112 games"
TEAM USA'S ORPIK. Damn straight.
Mwah to you, Brooksie. We'd by you all the candy hearts in the world.

Shea Weber risks his life taking away Brooks's GWG. His days are numbered. Brooks is choosing carefully from his spice rack. We're preparing our best dinner outfits. Shea, I hope a nice port compliments you.

Overtime is all Penguins, no Penguins goals.
The SO is painful. Let's not talk about it.
Preds 4, Pens 3
Preds SO Win.
Fuck all ya'll.


In other news, we have arrived at the Olympic break, and you should be celebrating.
Get your wallpaper on, compliments of the Pens website.


The boys are hoping to amp it up after the Olympics, obviously. Need we remember the hopes of turning shit around after the ASG last year?
It's the same theory.
We come back with a blank slate on which to kick ass.
Billy G knows what's up.
"I don't think anybody is satisfied right now," Penguins right wing Bill Guerin said. "We had better find another level after the break."

We can pause our Colby trade rumors, because the Olympic trade freeze has begun and no one's going anywhere until the gold is passed around.

Also, go and check out our favorite clothing provider, ladies.
Total new set of awesome lady tees.
$12 bucks a pop, and you're the stylinist bitch in town.

Seriously, they even have Gronk, Go-Go, Flower and more.
We're endlessly impressed by their designs, which can somehow manage to be totally cute and yet not glaringly sexist. The next puckbunny who can tell me who the Gronk is....well. It's not going to happen.
And of course, there's some good options to load up on in These Olympic Times in the men's section.
$10 bucks for some Canadian or Brooksie pride.

You know, we aren't actually secret PSR employees. We just sort of love and support the creation of cheap-as-hell shirts that support the boys. Check-check-check it out.
It's the best thing you can do with your lunch money.

And of course, the most important news:
President's Day

Our President, Stanley Cup Champion.

How are you celebrating this joyous President's Day?
The Olympics?
Brooksie's first goal?

Let us know. Especially if cupcakes are involved.

Go Pens.
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Puck Huffers by Kimberly Davidson and Zoë Hayden is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.