Sunday, January 31, 2010

pardon moi, you fuckers.

Okay okay okay,
It's Kim here.
And I will not lie to you.
This is a total drunkblog.

No, like, okay, I didn't mean to blog this drunk, but here we are. Sometimes life happens and then hockey happens and it all has to blend together like a melting pot of happiness. I'll have Zoe review in case I am completely absent for something. TOGETHER WE SHALL MAKE IT THROUGH THIS.

Let's just get to the awards before I forget what is happening.

THE FUCKING FIRST PERIOD AWARD
You know sometimes you go into a game wanting blood and vengeance and gore et cetera. Last season, the first Wings game was like zomg important. This year it snuck up on us. We were sort of surprised when Pierre reminded us that it was the first Pens/Wings meeting since we had won the Cup on their ice. Funny how much less petty rivalries mean when you are defending the Stanley Cup and your ex-opponent is now a sorry mess of a hockey club loitering around the bottom of the list of playoff contenders. We should remember where we were last year, less we get cocky.
Then again.
The Wings blow.
Babby knows it.
HUGLUGLUG MY MOUTH IS READY FOR COCKS

Danny B isn't thinking about licking balls, he's concerned with what his team is up to.
Good news; Billy G is off of mustache duty after today. Thank Christ. Threesome offers were wearing thing. We're not sure how cool we are with mustache rides sans a complimentary beard.
Take note, boys.

We wish something else had happened during the first period other than us rolling around in agony.But nay.
Oh, well, some photos.
We wouldn't deny you that.
Gonch saves MAF's life.
Mattie is the Man of the World.
I'd fuck Crosby well before Zetterberg, you heard it here first.

THE MOST DELICIOUS FIRST BLOOD
By the time it happened, first blood was the most important thing in the goddamn world. Crosby made it happen like the fucking hero he is. We weren't sure if another goal would happen ever again, but we were so happy to see this.
We knew DET didn't have a chance.
We just, you know, wanted to fucking prove it.

THE WORST
The second period was all about Sid's goal and the third line acting heroic and Jordy being a super hero and other shit that I can't handle now that I'm bombed.com. The third period was all about the tie.
GROSS.

We didn't really give too much of a shit, we had seen this as an overtime game from the beginning of it all.

THE OVERTIME AWARD
Revoked; overtime was worthless.

MOST ADORABLE WIN PHOTOS
The SO was sort of fucking awesome.
Cappy and Malks are fucking awesome.
The team photos are the best of the century.





The Pens win in the fucking shootout, 2-1.
Fuck you Red Wings.
Detroit is worthless.
WOOOOOOOOOO

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

THE SEXY SEXY SEXY AWARD

No one ever gets this sexy.
Lost another goddamn tooth for his team.
Brooks, Mmmmffff. This vodka would make me make all sorts of bad decisions with you.

ALT THREE STARS

1)Double Star

2) Jordan Staal - What the shit. What a man.

3) Zoe- For telling me that this is "either the best or worst recap ever, do not LOL at me, and the third award can not be given to a bottle of vodka, give it to a person and then you can post it."

Oh man. I need to go lay down.
This game was the shit. Re-enforcing what we did last season is funfunfun.
Let us forever remember that the Wings blow dicks.

Go Pens.

to california with RAKKAUS

We know you're watching Pens/Wings.
But we have strange news from the front.
Vesa Toskala (along with Jason Blake) is being shipped to Anaheim for Giguere and a pick.
TOGETHER WE FIGHT.

Go Vesa.

Go Pens.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

300



A salute to the fallen.

Hearing about Godard's injured groin grieves me. Certain Pens parts should never, ever be injured. Crosby's gluteus maximus, MAF's central vermillion tubercle (pointy upper lip), and Dupuis's supercilium (you can guess that one) all come to mind. 4-6 weeks is a loooong time.


May high fives heal you, Eric. We need you back soon.

To end the injury curse, Pens have been upping their karma like, whoah.

Sid met with a veteran who brought his 87 jersey and Stanley Cup Championship banner to Afghanistan. The Taliban are biiiig Ovie fans though, so after shooting up his Pens gear, they also left our vet, Justin, with a metal plate instead of bone and nerve damage in his elbow. Dicks.

Notes on this photo: Matty Cooke wants that jersey sooo bad. And Sid has been downing cans of spinach at a rate that would alarm Popeye.


Pens love their vets so much that Mario allowed Justin to touch him. Jealoussss.


Next up, the OG of saintliness hosted 11 year old Hodgkin’s survivor Michael at the Mellon for a skate. He's from Ottawa, but we'll overlook it because Mario did and the kid says he's a serious Pengins fan. They did some drills together and Michael summed up Lemieux's play with, “He is really good and still has a good shot.” Yes, Michael. You're not in Ottawa anymore.



So, Sens. Lets review that Malk's fourth career hat trick was on Dec 23rd v the Sens. That was a night that his parents were whooping it up and Vladislav Tretiak was in the building, but nevermind that. Game was 8-2.
So fucking ready.

Puck drops and MAF saves. They're comin' out swinging.

Make Me A Milkshake Malkin



Feds to Nick Johnson, who does magical things and passes to Malks. Geno shoots just over the glove of Elliot. Woooooooo! 300 NHL points for Fedotenko.

1-0

Bourque starts dissecting Mike Fisher's engagement to some chick from American Idol. 15 goals before engagement, 2 goals after. Lange suggests leaving that analysis to Dr Phil. His pop references are a little stale. Fisher hears this banter and grabs his Louisvile slugger and heads for the parking lot, but then doubles back and decides to score.


That's the face of a man who is about to become a professional purse holder.

1-1

Cooke goes to the box and the Sens fire a semi-automatic at MAF. Man makes 3 saves on the PK. Like a minute later Ruutu's all up in his business and Kelly gets a rebound.



1-2

Second starts with Kovie in the box. He's sprung and Tanger sends him right back in so Kim can continue to have her way with him. Kris is like your bff who knows what you want even when you don't. What a human.


At first, I thought that this photo was Chris Neil trying to make a hit on Gonch. After a lengthy review, I realized that this was a depiction of my Saturday night during high school:

Here, you see Sergei (me) trying to duck down and sneak past the truly frightening man in the face paint (Dad). Neil (my brother) wasn't as prepared and totally didn't see him standing guard so he has to hit the deck. Thank god the Batman/Pens fan who failed art class is totally asleep after his 8th beer (again, Dad). The yellow bro is my shoulder angel who is appalled that I might be sneaking out for nefarious purposes. The jersey bro is my shoulder devil who is going to double high five me after I make it out the window and through the bushes without tearing my totally hot dress.


No, Milan. You may not have a goal. You are not even my favorite Michalek.

Letang is denied, denied and then puts the puck past Elliot right after the buzzer. Sens are pissed. Whatever.

Third starts and Neil goes all psycho on Eaton and murders him. No photos due to graphic violence. MaxTal and McKee both try to make Neil pay with a beating, but he is a pansy and refuses to drop the gloves.


1-3

Spezza puts one over Fleury's arm.

Brooks is piiiiiissssed. He starts swinging his stick like a tire iron. To calm your hyperventilation, observe:

Smooth at all times.

McKee has been diving to the ground more times in this game.... pucks cower from his beastliness.

Refs decide to ignore all penalties in this period. MAF is pulled and Foligno puts it in the empty net.

1-4

Alternative Three Stars:

3. Johnson - Handled Potash with a wink and a smile. And that hair....



2. Sarge - For being on the ice for the entire game and for being appropriately disgusted by Fishers' camera ready man-prettiness.



1. JStaal - Youngest NHL player to 300 career games.

Beast.

All is not lost.
Wings Sunday.
Go Pens.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Pens V. Sens

Hello there PHers.
Huffers? Crazy Sluts?
Okay, enough of this.
What do you guys want to be called?
If we're going to form an army to take over the internet and then the world-
wait, we mean....
Well, yeah, if we're going to do that, our legions need a title.
Make one.
If we're going to bond with you people we have to have a collective name for you other than "hey bitches."
Give PH Staff a little somethin' somethin' to work with here.

Lesson number two of PH teaches you shit will be coming soon, along with the reemergence of Everyday Tasks. There's a long break ahead of us, so we have a lot of time to kill. For now, let's take a look at tomorrow's game, which will be brought to you by the Stunning Intern Ann. She is stepping down from Mount Olympus where she and other pure beings eat tropical fruit and honey with Curry himself, just to recap a game for the likes of us.
We love Intern Ann.
We don't know what wonderful thing we did to deserve her.

The Sens are looking for an 8th game in their winning streak.
We're not willing to give it to them. All streaks come to a breaking point, and we're going to call this theirs.
We still have a big 'ol soft spot for them, though.
Exhibit One:
KovieKovieKovie

Exhibit Two:
Milan Michalek bowling for fatties.
Oh Milan, how did you survive? It is like a blanket of fat was carelessly draped over you and now you are suffocating in its cavernous folds.
Martin Brodeur, you are so fat that we'd be surprised if the sun can even rise over this great nation ever again.
You are The Fattest Girl at Prom.

*cough* sorry. We get carried away sometimes.

Anyway, soft spots for other teams, as always, do not mean we feel anything when the Pens crush their souls and embarrass them. In fact, we encourage it. We don't want our other teams stepping out of line and thinking that they deserve to be number one in our hearts. That is just foolish.
The Pens aren't on a crazy streak or anything, they're just trying not to make us cry and strengthen up their record.
We believe.
HOPE. Remember HOPE?

If you have, refresh yourself with some manlove.
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN SUCH A PENETRATING GAZE BETWEEN MEN?
Only in hockey photos.

Tomorrow should be a delight.
Isn't it always when the Pens are playing?

Go Pens.

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Puck Huffers Teaches You Shit

This is another recurring feature that we are debuting in order to refresh ya'll on what our fundamental Principles of Life are.
Not to speak ill of newer readers (in fact, we generally love everyone who comments), but we've been noticing lately that in the beginning of our blogging adventures, we tended to know and have a relationship with our readers, even if it was based largely in non sequitur--and this is no longer the case.
Our goal is to create a kind of PH reference manual to how we see hockey and the world around us. Mostly so you can get to know us better and we can get to know you better (in the most cracked-out of senses). We're mysterious, but we are also very principled.

LESSON #1: DUDES
We tried to touch on this in the early, introductory stages of PH, and tried to flesh it out with Crash My Net Fridays, and later on, with Everyday Tasks.
Basically we are straight women and therefore we dig on men.
We can't help it.

The main mistake that a lot of female sports blogs make is to act like they are being persecuted as fans because they are girls (and only interested in the sport for purposes of boning). One: you probably are by some meathead somewhere. Two: if you have a blog, you're not that persecuted. Step one is confidence in who you are as a human being and, in this case, as a sportsfan. If you start with an excessively defensive posture, you're probably not going to go far, because you'll get so wrapped up in defense that you'll forget about your offense (or your content/opinions).
This is why the trap is boring in hockey, for example.

We try to be an offensive-minded team.
Note Bill Guerin, who still manages to look fine as shit while standing next to Bettman. We say "fine as shit" because we don't expect retribution.
Most smart male hockey fans have a little man-love in them anyway.
To love hockey is to love a sport of awkward men.
If you have any qualms about the "awkward" bit, just look at the latest (dubious apparently) photos of PKane embarrassing himself:
Not that PKane is our type.
But he's probably somebody's.
There are at least 500 different flavors of awkward in hockey and they all have to do with dudes.

We love dudes.
We might even get all squee and !!! about dudes--but we keep that shit off the Internet.
The lesson here is:
Please, for the love of god, love your men with integrity.
It's easy enough to tell a knowledgeable female hockey fan from one who has had more dicks in her mouth than Dan Carcillo has served penalty minutes.
Don't concede to anybody, bitches.
Malks looks really awesome in those pants still.
We really don't care what anybody says about it, either.

As always, we recommend The Hockey Junkies because their lust for dudes is probably only matched by how much they know about hockey. Which is: a hell of a lot.
We love them.

Thanks for tuning in.
We hope you all understand us a little better.
So that we can better understand YOU, the reader (*WINK*), please get a discussion going in the comments.
Au revoir.

GO PENS.

Monday, January 25, 2010

can i have one with red and blue sprinkles?

The New York Rangers are that team in the division that we forget to care about.
The Isles are always entertaining, at least.
The Devils have Uncle Daddy rubbing frosting all over his body at every available opportunity.
The Flyers. . .duh.
And us, defending champs over here.
Ever since the Rags lost Jagr we just can't maintain a lot of interest.
Joe Beninati and the ridiculous lighting in Madison Square Garden really aren't helping.
So let's attempt to be interested over here.

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!?

ARENA MOST LIKELY TO BE MISTAKEN FOR A REVERED MAUSOLEUM
Early on, nothing is happening and the arena is dead quiet. The Rangers haven't scored a goal in two games and it shows. Not one person on the ice cares about the game, except possibly the Penguins.
We get a token Staal Brothers reference.
This is like a pee wee game going on in the backwoods of North Carolina or some shit.
Two people in the arena are interested and they're probably like, Brandon Dubinsky's parents.
Yawn. Hope something happens soo--
Cappy gives farm boy Chris Conner the cookies for the bake sale.
Lundqvist is possibly asleep.

1-0
Girardi did not get a single cookie.
That's what you get for arriving late.

The Rangers spend most of the first trying to sleep off a bad tequila hangover, but are woken up by a solid PK effort caused by Gaborik taking some penalty that Versus never showed us.
Pens don't get shit going.
Whatever.
We escape the first, all 5'7" of Chris Connor's dignity intact.

PERIOD THAT WE WILL GLADLY PUT OUT WITH THE TRASH
To come back for the second, refer to your rulebook.
Jordan is 21 and Mark is 23 and the boys are FUSSIN'.
Malkin proceeds to take a penalty and get a breakaway out of the box. But, well, yeah. Wasn't happening.
Rangers come back and manage to bury one. Ktang looked like he was pissed at being forced to defend someone one-on-one. He dives to the ice in desperation. But our lives are over.
We have to admit that this is the first time in our lives we've ever actually thought about Anisimov.
Marc Staal over there needs to take some Godzilla lessons from Eric. Seriously. What a disappointing performance.

The Rangers try to accuse us of a delay of game and Versus fails at clarifying the penalty situation for us before commercial, mostly because Joe Beninati is really smart.
Don't worry, there wasn't another penalty.
We spend the rest of the period sort of trying.
Fleury holds the fort.
1-1 end second has us hoarding our liquor.

MOMENTS SO WORTHLESS YOU COULDN'T BELIEVE SOME DOUCHEBAG BLED FOR IT
Staal sort of gets a guy in the face and he bleeds, and that's four minutes.
We kill it admirably, but then Matt Cooke gets angry and destroys some infidel.
Fleury relieves your fears and looks straight pimpin'. You're not worried.
But suddenly you are:
We at PH are not going to dispute the fact that this puck crossed the goal line.
But we still think Versus could have provided us with a motherfucking overhead angle so the people can see what is going on.
Just bad broadcasting. We're assuming Toronto saw one, or some super hi-def version of the other angle, otherwise it's inconclusive.
Put the fans on the same page. Keep them informed. For the good of the sport.
Stepping down from the soapbox. . .
2-1

PERFORMANCE THAT GAVE US LIFE
Immediately after the goal, Malkin charges down ice like a monster and draws a penalty.
And then he scores the goal.
We'd show you a picture, but the New York press is protesting its existence, especially after that monster PK the Rags managed in the first.
Just consider it 2-2.

MOST SWEDES KICKED OUT OF THE BAKE SALE FOR ROWDINESS
Shortly thereafter, Crosby shoots. Lundqvist's life explodes in a mess of crumbs and sadness.
The police are summoned to the bake sale to escort him out.
And Chris Conner has two.
OH MY GOD CHRIS DID YOU SEE THAT SHIT GO IN

I DID SIDNEY DID YOU REMEMBER TO BRING THE NO-BAKES THIS SHIT IS GETTING OUT OF CONTROL

3-2
The Rangers have basically given up at living.

IT WAS EITHER THAT OR THE HATTIE
The Rangers try pulling the Swede but Pascal's face has other plans.
Down to the empty cage.
And all the pastries went to bed that night, knowing that they were safe, and all was right in the world.

PENS WIN
4-2
STILL NOT INTERESTED IN THE RANGERS

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

MOST INVISIBLE













Wade Redden (above)

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1.


2. Sean Avery - for still gamely trying to come up with a solution to the fact that red hockey pants look like somebody shit inside them all the time

3.
Take an extra two for this picture, ladies.

The Pens do not play until Thursday.
We have an ongoing feature that we're planning to do either this week, or during the long hockeyless week that is coming up right before Olympic break.
It will be really fun, aside from the choking and crying.

Worst division rivalry ever though right now.
GO PENS.

Sunday, January 24, 2010

a bottle of scotch, a dimesack and a diamond watch.

Things don't get better than starting the day beating down the city of Philadelphia.
Can you really go up from there?
If you can, please go for it, but you might explode from pleasure, so stand clear of us so we don't get entrails in our eyes.
We've got some blogging to do.

The beginning of the game was a little bit scary.
Over passing, being too cute, thinking too hard.
By the time the second period rolled around, something clicked. Everything fell into place, the bounces just weren't going our way for whatever reason. We blame NBC.
Despite our numerous valiant efforts to score being denied, we finally pulled shit together to come out with a win in the end, because lord knows we can never win a game with anything other than a blowout performance or a come-back drama.
It's like every second intermission report the Popular Girls catch boys, take their glasses off, let down their hair, and put some lipstick on them, transforming them from the nerdy girls to the prom queens, and then they proceed to go win the captain of the football team's heart.
It's touching, really.
And we don't mean in the Pierre-in-the-Flyer's-locker-room way.

Anyway, we have some awards to give out.

OUR BIGGEST REGRET
I am still rolling around in bed when Zoe starts texting me things like CARC MIC'D UP THIS COULD BE SO BAD and CHRIS PRONGER WITH PIERRE. SO MUCH DOUCHE. WHERE ARE YOU?
I mumble some death threats to the air and stumble over to turn on my television, having forgotten that I would be dining with NBC for brunch this afternoon.
Pierre's face immediately fills my screen.
He's already sucking Flyers cock. five minutes in he is critiquing "Everyone's favorite Penguin" for slashing Riemsdyk, putting the Flyers on the PP. We sense the bacony taste of sarcasm.
Jeff Carter strokes Pierre's Flyers love as tenderly as he does Mrs. Hartnell.
We watch this goal happen and there is only one thing we can think.
Remember this past summer when PH staff was inducing hockey love in the Great American South by force? Remember those breaking news stories about Pierre getting punched in the face by someone, somewhere?
We do, despite the overwhelming presence of the tale of P.Kane attacking someone for 1/8625000 of his yearly paycheck.
That person, if they could please step forward, earns our love and respect, but also a little bit of a slap on the wrist. They took away one of our most precious life goals; to be the first to hit Pierre in the face.
We'll never get that back.

BEST HOCKEY PORN
Something is happening on the ice that we can't quite discern. We only catch glimpses of flesh and hockey sticks, flying hair and lots of men.
We just assume it's an orgy.
Ice quality decreases more rapidly than the state of MaxTal's bedroom after a Sunday evening scotch party.
Hartnell is sent to the box for taking more than his fair share in the sexual festivities, particularly with Mister Brent.
Philly fans don't agree.

BOOOO WE DON'T KNOW THE RULES OF HOCKEY BOOOOOO
Luckily for the Flyers thew Pens road pp is like, 32nd in the league or some shit.

BEST PHOTO, LIKE, EVER
Some over-achieving intern in the press caught this lovely little number:
What composition, what style, what a truly "Crosby Sucks" moment.
As we here at PH know, interns are really the only people who can do anything right.

WORLD'S BEST DAD
Richards throws a puck over #1 and we are all like ASDKL;FASLDKJHFADSKLJ.
Luckily the Flyers, like their fans, don't understand the rules of hockey.
Goal gone, Pens on the PP, all is right in the world.
After five thousand chances to prove ourselves, give or take 4,997, someone on the Penguins finally forgets everything Mikey Y ever told them and sinks it.
We weren't surprised it was Daddy Gonch, because who else is going to Pull Over This Van And Show You What's What when things get bad?
The puck goes through the legs of eighty two Flyers before sailing into the goal.


THE BOY LEAST LIKELY TO DO WHAT HE DID
Soon after, Powe tries to murder Gogo, is in turn murdered by...wait...what?
Letang?

What a good boy.
We go into the second clutching the tie. Let's get pretty, girls, it's almost prom night.

THE ALL MAN ALL THE TIME AWARD
Brooks Orpik can't be stopped in this game. 8 hits, 100% man.
PUTTING FEAR INTO THE HEARTS OF MEN.
The second period is a cocktease.
Whatever.

THE TIME EVERYONE DIED
The third period is also like a Sunday evening scotch party at MaxTal's place, only a few hours after the state of things has declined beyond recognition.

THE WORST NIGHTMARE FOLLOWED BY THE BEST WET DREAMCrosby throws the puck off of the Flyers post so hard that it isn't him that's going to hear that noise in his sleep, it's the net.
We're all busy screaming in agony while Mattie Cooke mans it up and assists a Daddy slapper into the net. This is why he's an NHL player and we're just bloggers.
Well, that, athletic skillz, and being a man, too.
Being girlies that play primarily girly sports in girly ways, there are slightly more than a handful of things that separate us from Mattie Cooke.
Speaking of, we're taking bets on the over/under of how many emails we get letting us know that there aren't 32 teams in the league.
BUT DON'T YOU EVER DOUBT HOCKEY IS OUR SHIT OR WE WILL PUT BRICKS THROUGH YOUR LIVING ROOM WINDOW, MMMKAY?

And with that, it's a game.
PENS 2, FLYERS 1
PENS WIN

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

MOST LOVED
Mr. Powe, you are deep in the hearts of many.

BEST LEAPFROG
Richards you best check yourself or Craigsy will see to it you never take place in hockey porn again.

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1)Brooks Orpik- Pimp.
2) The Intern- For the constant epic commentary about Carc's molestache, Pierre's back-of-head five o'clock shadow, and the h1n1-style contagiousness of mullets. She'll be recapping a game later this week if you were starting to miss her. What a human.
3)Flyers Fans- Hahahaha, you are balls.

Winning games is the shit.
Winning games against the Flyers is even better, although it is sort of getting to the point that we'd trade two Flyers wins for a Caps win. There really isn't a question anymore that we're better than the Flyers. What are we trying to prove?
What we DO need to show the doubters is that we can school the Caps with equal ease.
We have to wait until February 7th to get back to that issue.
In our down time, we'll practice on some other, less important individuals.

Rags tomorrow.
Let's get it done, boys.
Go Pens.
 
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Puck Huffers by Kimberly Davidson and Zoƫ Hayden is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.