Saturday, March 27, 2010

rape rape dynamo.

Oh Philadelphia, how green were your fields?
Not very.
This game started out all scary and then turned out to be a gigantic kitten.
And not just any kitten.
A kitten wearing people clothes.
WHEN WILL KITTENS LEARN THAT THEY HAVE NO BUSINESS BEING IN SWEATERS?
Ugh.

Anyway, let's get to the awards before this gets anywhere worse.

AWARD KIM IS LEAST EQUIPPED TO GIVE OUT
Apparently Arron Asham and Scott Hartnell have greasy, hairy dude sex on the ice before I can even get my shit together enough to turn on my television.
This is what it looked like, allegedly.
I have no personal experience to say if it is accurate.
It could be completely photoshopped, for all I know.

FEISTIEST GOALIE AWARD
Maf passes to his defenseman and Giroux is like "EXCUSE ME WHILE I TOUCH YOU AND JUST HANG ON WHILE YOU TRY TO BEAT ME OFF."
Maf doesn't understand. "LOLOLOL SIR YOU ARE ON MY ARM COULD YOU NOT DO THAT MERCI"
Maf gets an extra juicebox at intermission for his trauma.

AWARD THE PRESS IS LEAST EQUIPPED FOR US TO GIVE OUT Claude Giroux goes to the box for his crimes.
We get nothing done. Like, NOTHING.
It's depressing and we all cry about it and look up more kittens in sweaters to calm ourselves.
Finally we get some scrambling by the Flyers net. Billy and Poni can't quite make it happen.
Finally, Kunitz makes it happen.
MAF gets an assist.
THE PRESS DOES NOT.
KITTY WHY ARE YOU IN A SHARK SWEATER OMG YOU HAS A FIN.
Okay, we are more calm now.
Bring on the 2nd period.

MOST UNCOMFORTABLE CALL
Simon Gagne scores.
Meanwhile, MAF is being raped by Ville Leino.
NOW NOW NOW don't get us wrong, but our faces were similar to the faces on the Flyers' bench when we saw that the play was being "reviewed" (okay, not REVIEWED, but talked about in detail after the fact.)
Say what, homes?
We're not saying we think the Flyers deserved this goal.
Nope, not a chance.
But we ARE IN FACT SAYING that to call it off was just a little bit bullshit.
If that were US, in that same situation, we would have been up in arms over it.
As is, we'll take it. But not without noting that it was sort of ridic.

MORE THAN A FEEEEEELINGGGGG
Cappy hits the puck into net-land, but it can't quite make it across the threshold.
Dupes carries it across like a bride still in her gown.
And then the love happens.
Oh my.
Boys.
Can we keep this to the locker room?

Lest anyone cease to be afraid of Cappycakes, REMEMBER THIS:
THE FEAR IS REAL.

THE WUT AWARD
Brian Boucher is in net for the Flyers all of a sudden.
We're a little lost.
Pulling Backlund at 2-1? This has to be injury based, right?
Right.
Right?
WOULD EVERYONE STOP BEING SO SHADY AND JUST TELL US?
We think that he was just crying wolf because he wanted us to believe that those goals were let in simply because he was not "on top of his game."
Mmmmhmmmm sir.
Tell it to this guy.
He doesn't fuckin' buy it.

THE OMNOMNOMNOM AWARD
We're not sure what way all of this is going to go.
Until, that is, Feds hands the puck to Mattie Cooke, who promptly puts it home.
Mattie Cooke scored?
This game = pwned.


LEAST PRESS PARTICIPATION, PART TWO
Cappy and Feds strike fear into the hearts of Philly fans as they drive the final nail into the coffin.
Press hadn't yet caught wind that hockey was being played today.
They won't until around five pm tomorrow. Just in time to miss that game.
We can't imagine how Philly fans felt EXACTLY as the score that was once 2-1 in their favor had somehow become 4-1 in ours.
But we imagine a sweatered cat can help illustrate.
(ominous voice from above: FINISH HIM!)

(ominous voice from above: K-O!)

PENS WIN
4-1
SUCKASSSS

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

LIKE SYRUP OVER HOT WAFFLES
The only difference is that Max Talbot gets mildly less excited over this.

ALT THREE STARS

1) Refs - Where the fuck where your minds? We love it.
2) Cats of the world - For making the world better for all of us, especially MAF.
"LOLOLOL WHY IZ ZHAT KITTIE IN A RAIN JACKET LOLOLOLOL ZHOSE ARE PEOPLE CLOTHEZ YOU CANNOT WEAR ZHEM LOLOLOLOL WANT TO SHARE MY JUICEBOX WITH ME?"
3) Me - I win.


GAME TOMORROW
BE THERE OR BE somewhere else.

GO PENS

13 comments:

Kevin said...

Since it totally bears repeating:

Scott Hartnell, fat fuck
I hope you eat broken glass
you fat, fat, fat fuck.

And thanks for multiple kitteh in sweaters pics. You bitches continue to defy ordinary by re-defining "awesome".

Annie S said...

I'm LOLZing to myself right now like crazy IRL. Fucking awesome recap. Glad to see the guys getting back to their old selves kicking Philly ass. Sidney was out of his mind as usual against the Phlyers, holy shit. I'm starting to feel the love again from this team... and a strange desire to knit a sweater for my cat.

Simona said...

This win felt really good. Kitten pictures and MAF's voice pretty much do it for me. Hilarious.

I think at one point Scott Hartnell went to the box just for being on the ice and not because he actually did anything. Best refs ever.

AmyB said...

LETS GO PENS!

MouthGuard said...

The only thing cooler than kitty sweaters are budgie diapers. The kitty sweater with the shark fin was extra sweet. Thank you for that!

For me, the icing on the cake this afternoon was watching Wayne & Shuster (Steigy & Errey) proudly pitching Crosberries cereal during intermission. I was stuffing my face with my usual Saturday "breakfast of champions" menu of coffee, clementines, raspberry newtons and vanilla Cakesters; when S&E whipped out that Crosberries box I choked on a Cakester bitch something fierce. They tore a weedariffic page out of the Hahn/Remenda handbook (pitching Lucky Charms, and letting viewers know that Remenda wasn't wearing any underwear in the furtherance of Shark mojo). Crosberries' huckleberry-flavored mini marshmallow asscheeks are perfectly stoner unto themselves, but if every box included a limited edition collectible, like a Boo Hooter, they would REALLY be on to something special. Again, a great idea for the Pens gift baskets!

Bradford said...

Hahaha the kitty stuff was great! Nice post as usual girls! That was a big win for us. Hopefully we will be collecting another 2 points later today. It looks like its going to be battle for the rest of the season for 2nd place in the east. The devils are keeping up and Ottawa has caught up with us so if we don't stay on our game we could drop to 5th. Nice to see cappie break out of his mini slump with 3 helpers. In Sid i trust and i just feel like he will rise to the occasion and help lift us to a 2nd place finish and Atlantic title! Hartnell is a punk fattie fat fattie i agree! LETS GO PENS!!!

Allison's Mouth Full of Tang said...

Kim, stop fronting, you know you have a raincoat for Querty. Or whatever ass-hawk cat's name is.

CrackerLilo said...

I didn't know that a new rule making simply being Scott Hartnell a minor penalty had gone into effect along with the blindside head shot rule, but I wholeheartedly support the change. I love that this time, the Penguins knew an advantage when they saw it and capitalized! Also, I look at those pictures of kittehs in people clothes and just think, "Whoever dressed those cats is probably wearing head to toe bandaids." That's what I'd be wearing if I tried putting those things on my cats.

I love how MAF got his point, love how he fought off Giroux, and love the dialogue you write for him!

Crosby came correct with the assists yesterday. I hope he gets back to scoring goals today. But I have faith! Yesterday we played street hockey between the Pens and Wings games so we wouldn't, you know, be reclassified as plant life. I wore my burqa-fit Crosby jersey and got 2 goals and 2 assists, not that I'm bragging. That's gotta be a good omen for tonight, right? So is the fact that the game is, like, perfectly timed so we can watch most of it after the Martinsville race and I don't have to get thumb blisters from clicking back and forth.

@ Kevin: That haiku is a classic.

@ MouthGuard: I loved the Crosberries cereal box and loved the guys' enthusiasm! We laughed to tears. The fan who came up with that deserves a check for the idea, the Penguins need to get a limited run of those made, and Crosby definitely needs to put that in next year's gift basket.

Hopefully neither Steigy or Errey will tell us anything about their underwear, though I would not put it past them.

Megs said...

Best recap ever. You bitches keep getting better and better. All I can say is Kim gets A++++++ for the content and 1,000 points for beating her sleeping pills and for using lolz cats. To say the least, it was Caturday. Shit everyday is Caturday, but can I getz a kitteh picture with a penguin in it? (You wouldn't believe how tricky it was to write that sentence. The English major in me is currently cringing lol)

On a side note, I'm glad to be back. This recap helped me a lot because I haven't been watching as much hockey as usual. I missed yesterday's game because I was out with my mom and I couldn't get 105.9 the X. Usually in Garrett County, I can get it clear as a bell, go figure?

As for not watching so much hockey recently, Blame it on basketball, blame it on WEST VIRGINIA, and blame it on the fact that my couch will most likely be on fire next weekend.

ps- Is anyone from here going to the Thrashers' game on Saturday? It's going to be my first hockey game ever and it would be cool to run into some peeps.

rockhopper said...

I was so moved by this awesome post that I google-image-searched "cats in sweaters."

Saw some disturbing shit. The pain & humiliation in some of those kittehs eyes will haunt me for some time to come.

On to happier topics...

GO PENS!!!

Mullets and Peanut Butter said...

I'm willing to bet my jar of Jagr peanut butter that Fleury dresses up his cat. That is all.

em.ily said...

I think the question is, when will people learn that they have no business putting clothes on their cats?

rockhopper said...

@Mullet and Peanut Butter:

For Halloween yes, but I don't see it happening on a daily basis.

 
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Puck Huffers by Kimberly Davidson and Zoƫ Hayden is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.