Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Partying with Zac Efron

(EDIT SCRIPT: If you just want the hockey rant, go to the end of this post)

Hello all of everyone.
Tonight is another very special event in our lives that you can follow along live for something that has 0% to do with hockey. Somehow by the end of the night it will be 42% hockey, because that's just how our minds work, but for now, it's pretty much all about us being a mess.

We were referring to the Pens road trip in our last post, but as we now understand, people are looking forward to OUR next road trip. It's coming, after the Pens win the Cup again (aka this summer) and it's going to be another exciting happening in our lives. We'll let you know all about that when the time comes.

Tonight is a very special liveblog of yet another cinematic masterpiece.

Damn straight. We've got a bottle of rum and a plan, and will present you with yet another PH movie review of Terrible Shit.


9:22pm - Okay so we were watching previews and there was some film that made it look like Zac Efron was a real actor and we were really confused and our souls hurt. The first drinks have been made. Woooo!

9:23pm- Kim's new goal is to be drunk by the end of the previews.

9:28pm - This film is rated PG-13 for, among other things, teen partying. OH NOES.


9:33pm - Nikita's woman doesn't love him anymore so now he's going to blow the big basketball game. This plot is amazing so far. Like. . .holy shit. So many feelings. HE JUST WALKED OFF THE COURT. MAYBE THIS IS WHY COLUMBUS HAD TO LOAN HIM TO THE KHL WHAT A FUCKING PUSSY.

9:35pm - Bitch is pregnant isn't she? Man, Nikita does NOT age well.

9:37pm - Dude Mike Richards appearance. Nikita's life just fell apart. You'll know what we mean if you watch. The word "leadership" will appear.

9:43 - Trying to figure out why high school was the happiest time of Nikita's life. We consulted with Zoë's dad who said if he had a choice he would go back to 1982, when he was 25. Not 17. Who was happy at 17? Who impregnated bitches at 17 and wants that back? Who wants that?

9:52pm - we have the movie on pause for a phone conversation. Please hang tight.

10:08 - We're talking to an amazing man named Dave. We wish he were here. While we can't wait to get back to Nikita, Dave is a welcome distraction. GETTING DRUNKER!!!

10:17 - Nikita trying to convince his nerdy son to be good at basketball and omg when is he going to be 17 again?!?!!?!!!?!

10:20pm - Nikita is no longer a catch. We think that santa man who was a janitor is going to be his magical savior. Nikita is is in the rain. Somewhere between Dave calling and pausing the movie we got reallllly drunk. Oh noes. He's not even 17 again. WE GOT DRUNK BEFORE NIKITA WAS 17 AGAIN.


10:36 - eating the Tostitos and marveling at the Efron. HE IS WEARING ED HARDY RED ALERT RED ALERT

10:40 - Whatshisface just told Nikita that his shirt was "bedazzled". Wrong. It is "Blingeed". At least it was established that Ed Hardy clothes make you look like a douche. This movie did something important to society.

10:45 Oh dear Ned is playing Internet chess with Samir. We need to get drunk enough so Zac Efron is fuckable. Zac Efron's son is such a nerd. "I'd shake your hand but it's taped to my ass" is an amazing comedic genius that we will never be able to replicate.

10:50 - Stan DOES have a small weiner. . .and we mean that in more ways than the obvious.


10:56 - autolinked by zacefronforum.com. Lives = complete forever.

10:59 - He made every woman in love with him by explaining the beauty of abstinence. And really he is an awful teenager. Do not understand this film.

10:05 - drunk enough to think this movie is cute.

10:09 - this movie makes statutory rape A-OKAY.

11:15 - Michelle Trachtenberg plays the teenage daughter in this movie. SHE IS ANCIENTTTTTTT. Like literally she is 25. Nikita is currently forbidding her to do something.

11:27 - bitch is still ancient. had the movie paused for pee. Zac Efron is amazing especially at basketball. Also Jan from the Office is the principal. And we live in unreality. And we love Ned and his paisley jacket and we have feelings and omg so many drunk texts but at least Nikita is here.

12:02 - wow. paused movie again so Kim could battle it out with her boyfriend for "not being as cute as Zac Efron". Srsly. He agreed to be as cute so things are better now. we'll alert you as to how that is working out later. we are so drunk that we want boys to be "AS CUTE AS ZAC EFRON IN 17 AGAIN." omg. wtf. how do movies take us a year to watch when they are not even two hours long.

12:16 - we can only dream that our foreplay can one day be done in Elfish.

12:21 - wtf this film. The Ned character is actually exceedingly well-written. But everything else is kitsch city. Not understanding it. Also Nikita. Nikita is not a man.


12:36 - okay, movie is over. unlike Twilight, we can actually recommend this movie to drunk people. Well, girls. If you are drunk, ladies, you can happily watch this movie. The plot is weak and it's predictable and stupid, but really, what can we expect? Zac Efron is actually a somewhat okay actor. And this movie has a lot of other respectable actors and a cute enough plot that when wasted on some gov gen you will text your boyfriend telling them to be more like the characters in this movie.
In summation, we're kind of smitten with the boys in the world because of this film. It made Kim resolve a fight with the BF and made Zoe plot some adventures with some awesome dudes that deserve some attention.
Being drunk during this movie was an all around enjoyable experience. Srsly. Twilight was just a shitshow of AWFUL. At least this one had some acting to back up a shit plot. And Zac Efron looks like both Nikita Filatov AND our good friend Kevin so it was good for some laughs.

We feel weird about admitting this, but we sort of drunk-liked this movie. We're girls. We like tacky high heels and we go dress shopping while playing Matt & Kim in the dressing rooms (we did this today). We are ALL ABOUT hockey but sometimes we like to gush about romance. So sue us. We're multi-dimensional. It should make you love us MOAR. We're drinking rum out tha bottle and being weird about Disney stars.
This should make you even more impressed when we can follow every fucking detail of a hockey game.

This is why we love our lady fans and respect our male fans. because you ladies know what it's like being both girly and having a side that turns vicious when a bad hit is landed on our boys or when one of them makes a shot so wicked that we have to sit in awe. You guys love it and understand that we can walk around in six inch pumps and still love and understand the game.
This is who we are. This is what we do.
We're WOMEN. We are women who like to look sexy and walk around like we own the world and seduce men into giving us free hockey cards.
We may love Zac Efron when drunk, appreciate his perfectly coiffed hair, but more than anything we want to fucking watch twenty-year-old games on the NHL network and debate who the best fourth-liner was back in the day.
Ladies, you get it.
Men, you want it (go lady shopping in our comments, we promise our female fans are the hottest bitches in the goddamn world).

What we have set up here is a place where both ladies and men can come and talk about hockey. We do stupid shit like drunkblog worthless films and talk about the hotness of certain NHL players, but you KNOW anyone who follows is no puckbunny - they are the REAL DEAL.
Ladies- don't ever think otherwise. You can girl out in any way you so choose; you don't have to choose between femininity and sports fandom.
Both are ripe for the taking.
Don't you think you should hold your ladies to this standard?
Come on, now.
Zac Efron fans or not, women who are real hockey fans are hot shit.

Go Pens.
Go Pens female fans.
Go Pens dude fans who love Pens lady fans.

Winning the Cup or bust.

<3 PH Staff


Bethany said...

Haha - good luck. I tried to watch that when everything else on HBO was depressing, and did not finish. I did however finish all of the tequila in my apartment.

Bandit'sgirl said...

thanks bitches! this liveblog will be the best part of my birthday. In less I get a Letang jesey than... sorry, I'm going with the jesey

Kevin said...

You bitches are amazing...and I mean "bitches" in the best possible way. <3

Kevin said...

Oh and by the way...I had a dream a day or so after the trade deadline that Brodeur got traded to ZOMG THE FLYERS. For an old bag of Doritos and some draft picks or some shit. Anyway. That's not the point. What I remember vividly was yelling out to the household in general "Hey! Uncle Daddy got traded to Philly! Way to be a fatass!" Then I woke up and smiled, thinking of you guys and your awesome captioning skills. Thanks, bitches. :)

Strudel said...

Haha! Oh, geez... My mom watched this last week and tried to tell me about it. I'm pretty sure she was drunk while watching it, too.

Joelle said...

damn. good movie review, bitches. <3 wish i had been drinking first time i saw the movie!

MouthGuard said...

20+ year old games on the NHL Network! Fer sher. Full disclosure for yours truly goes something like this: Tying on my string bikini, destroying the screwtop on the absinthe and trying not to lose the remote while slo-mo'ing Bobby Orr frame-by-luscious frame in my Hot Tub Time Machine.

Thank you ever so much for the shout out and extra points for the vote of confidence. :)

PS - I think you should go non-hockey postal more often. It goes very well with those 6-inch stilettos and brings out your eye color.

Ashferddd said...

All I can say is. . .BEST DRUNK RANT EVER. Next road trip you're stopping in Pittsburgh, hanging with some other bitches *cough* me *cough* and we're drinking our lives away. Bank on it.

Ashferddd said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Meatpark said...

Marry me, all of you?

cgb said...

bitches, i fucking love you.

Joshua said...

Yeah. It's about time someone came out and said it. You don't have to look and act like Rosie O'Donnell to be a respectable female sports fan. People get way too uptight about shit.

Hand of Godard said...

I'm so turned on.

laurrrabeth said...

get it bitches. drunkrant is spot on. ps spring break + thursday + staal wars = bad choices.

captain badger said...

this post is the fucking best.

Simona said...

This belongs in the PH Hall of Fame.

MouthGuard said...

I agree with Simona. The "Partying with Zac Efron" post is definitely Hall of Fame bound on the first try. However, it might be interesting to do a "compare and contrast" with Hot Tub Time Machine (since they're essentially the same movie) and then plop both posts into the HOF with a befitting drunken induction ceremony.

Same idea. Different approach. Don't let Roger Ebert beat you to it.

Need Ice In Phoenix said...

It's been a great day for the Pens! We not only get to keep our Cookie but the "magic stick and glove" have been found and are on their way back to Pittsburgh.

If this kind of good luck keeps flowing the Pens might even beat the Devils before the regular season is over. I've got everything crossed.


CrackerLilo said...

I think drunk is probably the only way to watch a Zac Efron movie.

@ laurrrabeth: Speaking of the perfect storm of drunkenness, in case anyone feels like power-drinking after this, I posted up a couple shooters in honor of the Staals just now. And yes, Kim and Zoe, I linked to the drinking game. It is too perfect.

@ Need Ice: Good things do happen to bad people! (Kidding, kidding.) I have total faith that the Pens will beat the Devils. Also that a Bruin will beat Cooke next week, but let's concentrate on the positive!

Katie said...

i thought of y'all: http://sports.yahoo.com/nhl/blog/puck_daddy/post/U-S-Senate-candidate-on-how-campaign-stole-Co?urn=nhl,227264

MyDearestObsession said...

just thought i should let everyone know...i went to the pens' open practice yesterday with my boyfriend and BROOKS ORPIK WAS LITERALLY HANDING OUT FREE CANDY TO THE KIDS THERE. it totally blew my mind. they were banging on the glass and out of nowhere he just tosses a handful of bubble gum over the glass.

one of the kids was really obnoxious and kept banging on the glass and yelling at the players. "stick, staal!" "puck, kunitz" - in the hopes that one of them would toss something his way. well, i guess staalsy got fed up with the kid or just wanted to mess with him because he sat down on the bench and the kid goes over and goes, "stick, staal!" and so jordan bangs on the glass with his stick. scared the shit out of the kid and his face was priceless. jordan was smiling the whole time.

afterwards, a lot of the players signed autographs. more would have signed if people weren't so fucking rude. i understand they're really popular, but it's just downright RUDE to mob their cars as they're leaving and throw stuff at them. we got leopold, cooke, kunitz, and tanger to sign; i missed eaton, dupuis, and guerin. the president, orpik and adams were in a hurry to leave, but at least they said, "we'd sign, but we have somewhere else to be, sorry." sid, fleury, and geno were all leaving together and that's when all hell broke loose; sid started signing autographs and people went nuts. the minute things got out hand, security pushed everyone back and they left. =[ i was kind of bummed, but i'm going to try again on tuesday. spring break = nothing for me to do but take care of shit at home and stalk the boys. anyway, figured you bitches would appreciate the stories, especially about brooksy's free candy. =]

CrackerLilo said...

@ My Dearest Obsession: Wow, that's just really rude to take advantage of peoples' good nature like that. I'd probably have died laughing if I'd seen Staal do that. The kid totally deserved it.

I love that Orpik literally handed out free candy!

utterfrivolity said...

I love these women.

Need Ice In Phoenix said...

@Cracker - I'm totally glad Cookie will be out on the ice against Boston. It should keep the Bruins from having to target someone else.

@MyDearest - I would have stood up and cheered Staalsy for giving that kid "the stick". Seriously, on what planet does that kid actually think that type of behavior will get him what he wants?

Bradford said...

Did you really not like Twilight? Either one???? I don't get it. 17 again provides you with some enjoyable moments and twilight nothing? Would twilight have been better to you if they played hockey instead of baseball? For the first time EVER i feel like you girls have lost your mind!

debrisslide said...

@Bradford - Twilight was clearly an amazing cinematic achievement, don't get us wrong.

For the first time EVER i feel like you girls have lost your mind!
The first time? Really. . .? lolol.

Annie S said...

@MyDearestObsession - what an awesome time! Except for the fans freaking out. I NEED to keep track of when the Pens have open practices. I have not yet been to one, and living in Pittsburgh, you'd think I'd be more on top of things... I still need Geno to sign my Geno jersey, but no way in hell am I chasing after anyone's car.

Bradford said...

@debrisslide But but the vampires sparkle in the sun! :)

Yeah funny as it may seem i almost always find what you girls say to be refreshingly normal well adjusted and correct. When is cupcake day? I have some cupcake suggestions i'd like to slip into the suggestion box.

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