Wednesday, March 31, 2010

as I lay dying.

Hey everyone.
Kim here, from the desolate quarantined wasteland that is my apartment.
Having slept for an entire day, only breaking to shower, email some people in regards to my whereabouts, mumble various things about my last will and testament, and demand pity and water refills from the bastard who gave me this disease, hockey was an extremely welcome getaway.
Oh Penguins, you clearly were not aware of my suffering, or how you would compound it by falling to Steven Stamkos, the fucking douchiest douche to ever douche.

Here are some pictures and how they make me feel.

Feds getting taken to the locker room after a boarding compliments of Matt Lashoff was one of the first things to happen in the game.
Mister Lashoff, you may think it's safe to strike when PH Staff is weakened, but you remember, we will be at full strength again soon, and your number will be up.

"Kim I found these Twiz-Nibs on a table at the 7-11."
"Are they open?"
"...yeah."
"Don't eat them. You can't just eat open food you find at a 7-11 in North Philly."
"But...not just anyone buys Twiz-Nibs. Someone affluent left them here."
"Srsly, you are going to get mono or AIDs."
"Okay...I won't eat them..."

THAT IS HOW BROTHER STEVEN SCORING IN THE FIRST PERIOD MAKES ME FEEL.
IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I AM SURROUNDED BY RETARDS.
Upon realizing that I am, I feel that much worse.
COME ON BOYS, DON'T DO IT.
Fuck you, Twiz Nibs.
Why must you lure in the weak of mind?



We don't care about your SO.
Let us know when you make the playoffs, you good for nothing guttersluts.

LOLOLOL
Best.
Thank you Mattie. You make my gray skies turn blue.

I'm starting to worry that being ill makes me see cats in everything, but srsly MAF. You are a kitty.



At some point the Lightning score again.
Okay, okay, it was Downie in the second period.
But it was all so fucking vomit, who cares.

Pens 0, Lightning 2
Lighting, fuck offffff.


These are games we CAN'T LOSE. This is PLAYOFF TIME. We need to WIN OUR DIVISION.
Ugh.
It angers us that we can't get this shit together right now.
However, that is 72% brainworms talking. There is another reality to this game.
If you didn't see the game, here is what my fever-addled mind forgot to say for realz:
-The Lightning were out of this world. Seriously. Great effort by them.
-The Pens didn't do too bad, despite really fucking up some chances, including the 5 minute major we scored when Feds went down. You have to score on those, you just have to.
-Feds did in fact come back, and seems fine.
-We're really feeling Malkin's absence.
-MAF still rocked it pretty hard.

I obviously can't string together coherent thoughts that well.
Zoe is going to be taking care of you kids for a while now, and she promises that she won't post anything about cats.
Unless it's dire, like we find photos of the boys cuddling kittens. In which case everything changes.
Oh my god why do I keep talking about cats.
Seriously.

Everything will be lovely, I guarentee it.
The playoffs are soon.
The weather is getting to be lovely.
THINGS ARE WONDERFUL.

We're over it.
Never losing again.
GO PENS.

13 comments:

TP said...

I quickly erased tonight's game from memory by playing NHLPA '93 on Super NES.

The Pens shutout the Caps, 2-0. Bob Errey had the GWG.

MyDearestObsession said...

Kim - feel better soon.

The boys...let's just say I have a massive case of writers' block and so I turned on the game, hoping they'd do something amazing and inspire me to finish this goddamn assignment for my writing class. Letdown. Not even Billy G's fight with...whoever it was sparked any amount of "Oh, that's what's going to happen next" in my sleep-deprived brain. This stupid short story is going to be the death of me.

But not before I skip my little sister's birthday party to student rush the game this Saturday. I'm a terrible big sister, but...if you hear anything about a crazy fan in the locker room who's yelling at everyone to "Please get your heads out of your asses, get your shit together, and play fucking HOCKEY, you bloody jagoffs", it's me. We should not have lost this game. We can't afford to lose anymore. You're right. You've said it. I'm not going to reiterate.

MAF is a cat. Mattie is a fucking god. I will be back shortly with a picture of Tanger cuddling with a fucking cat. I want to be that cat.

Never mind. Here's a video of all the boys with pets doing the Pens and Paws calendar shoot. Because Mike Rupp is too cute and I'm too frustrated to screen cap the blasted thing and they're not on Google. Ugh.

http://penguins.nhl.tv/team/console.jsp?&id=52541

The goodness starts about 2:55.

I give up. Bedtime. Fiction is not for me.

MyDearestObsession said...

I feel like I should apologize. The boys weren't that bad tonight, I'm just tired and frustrated. Nothing a jar of nutella and a plastic spoon won't fix.

Simona said...

This game blew. Judging by the way the Lightning played, I can only imagine what Atlanta is gonna bring. Not gonna lie, it scares me a little.

Not throwing in the towel yet. We will get past it. We have to. Seriously. Like, ASAP would be good.

This MAF = cat business, it's funny. Poor guy, kitties do not deserve to get scored on by Steven fucking Stamkos. They deserve shutouts and pancakes and juiceboxes and other fun things.

Annie S said...

I feel like Ashferddd and I and our other friends are at fault for this loss somewhat. We sparkle-painted up her issue of Hockey News with Stamkos and Downie on the cover, making them look like pirate hookers and such and I think we accidentally gave them sparkle Blingee power, since they are the ones who ended up scoring. Even Strip For Goals didn't work this time. Sorry everyone, we learned our lesson and it won't happen again.

Courtney said...

I am a lurker coming out of the closet.
I always read your game recaps and laugh like a moron! Very appreciative. I had to comment today though because you used a picture of my friends Jess and Bryce. And that made me cry with laughter... lol
Sad that we lost today obviously but I guess it's better now that later.
Great work!!

Juls said...

Kim- get well soon!

Thank you for being lucid enough to type up a recap; bonus points for using "guttersluts."

em.ily said...

Feel better soon Kim!

I think this game felt worse than it actually was. All I could think was ugh we are losing to the Lightning, but really we didn't play terribly and they played great. So with time and distance I may feel less upset.

Need Ice In Phoenix said...

@Annie S - Sorry but you don't get credit for killing our boys last night. I came home from work and flipped on the game before feeding my dogs (feeding the dogs is JOB #1). Then the Bolts scored and I got caught up in the game. Long story short, I was headed to bed (5 hours later) when I remembered I hadn't fed the kids. BAD MOM!!!

No wonder the Pens didn't even score. This won't happen again!

laurrrabeth said...

dan bylsma radar for the win.

last night sucked, but whatev. they'll show up during playoffs, bank on it. they know what they're doing. glad dan kicked ass this morning. maf looked good and we're definitely missing russia. anyway, i believe in the pens.

Natalie said...

feel better soon!

MouthGuard said...

@Contagious Blogzilla Bitch:

I hope you have already told anybody who has an opinion on how you got sick to suck it! What matters now is, you are sick as shit and need to get well in time for Playoff Chesthair Watch. In addition to Canadian codeine 222's that you should have already procured from that North Philly establishment where you got treats, you should be drinking two highball glasses of boiling hot water - it must be BOILING! - and a shot of sauerkraut juice every morning (my late grandfather's daily elixer for good health). Don't laugh - it works. If you can keep it down.

Also, in keeping with the kitty moj, when my buddy was on tour in Japan she brought me back some Hello Kitty toilet paper as a souvenir. It works better and is way girlier than our non-industrial variety. Personally, I think the Pens should switch to this brand for the playoffs. It will help put them in the mood to "get the job done", as they say, and give them killer gameface.

CrackerLilo said...

I hope you get feeling better soon. I'm amazed you can write this recap, but after almost a whole season of reading PH, perhaps I shouldn't be. Love the Bylsma radar, too.

MAF is *totally* feline, in a good way.

@ MouthGuard: I also just found out there's such a thing as--I'm not kidding--Hello Kitty wine this week. I'm not sure if it would help the Penguins, or if they've already been drinking it and that's what accounts for their "soff" games like last night's.

 
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