Sunday, February 28, 2010

show me where it hurts.


Ouch.
Okay, well, not SO much ouch. Gawwwww.

Our initial reaction to the overtime goal was that very foreign-to-our-mouths FUCK YOU SIDNEY CROSBY.
We felt remorse for maybe ten seconds. Then a familiar sight drove it from our minds, just out of instinct.
Alright, alright. Have your way, Cappycakes.

We didn't want to lose, obviously. And as much as we didn't want to lose, we really had come to a point where we didn't want Canada to win. It felt like we were rooting against an entire nation of Habs fans, the air of over-entitled douchery that was about. But we don't actually consider this a win for Canada. We consider this a win for Sidney Crosby, and in some way that makes it a win for Pittsburgh, which makes it a win for us here at PH.
Hey Ovie, did...did you score the GWG in overtime to get the gold for your country?
Was that you?
Hey Ovie, where's your medal?
Why, that looks a mighty lot like a bit of foil fashioned into a circle hanging from some twine.
*cough*

Buck up, fellas. Silver's nothing to feel down about.

The mothers of PH staff are really something special. Both Zoe's and my own mother have always tried their hardest to keep up with the world of hockey, just to try to relate to us, Curry bless their souls.
When this game was over, I got a call from my PHMom. It went something like this:
"So! How did you like that game?!"
"Well...you know. A little upset."
"Yes! But if we had to lose, at least it was to Sidney, and Miller was just amazing! Hey, that Ryan Malone, he was on the Penguins, right? And Ryan Whitney. And Eric Staal, is that Jordan Staal's brother?" (take a shot)
"*stunned silence.*"

So there you have it, team USA. My mother having some idea of who you are is worth more than any gold medal, I can promise you that.

If you're still feeling down, here's the weirdest photo of the night:
Will Arnett, what are you doing with an out of focus Jason Bateman in the background, intensely watching hockey?
Seriously.
Wtf.
We're going to bed now.
Fuck Canada.
But Sidney Crosby, you can rape us and steal our dreams any 'ol day of the week.

18 comments:

ANovak017 said...

Have to agree on Sid raping my dreams any day.
I'm still pissed at him out of principle till Tuesday, but wtf..why does he have to look good all the time?
I was telling my friend, the girl that fucks that tonight...dayum. I'm sure his face after is the exact same as after that goal.

You boys did us more than proud.

utterfrivolity said...

I may have to avoid contact with any Canadians (including my best friend) for a while, because I really don't want to be charged with battery for punching the smug smiles right off their faces. It would have made my day if the US team had crushed the hopes and dreams of the entire nation. Sadly, it was not to be.

And I can't personally take comfort in the whole Crosby thing, what with not liking him all that much to begin with; also, he broke my boyfriend Ryan Miller's heart, and I cannot forgive that. From my perspective, the redeeming factors are not having to listen to people rip on Mike Babcock and Stevie Y for the next month and seeing MAF smile when he received his medal. Not nearly enough to soothe the pain.

That said, I am so, so proud of our boys. You could probably count on one hand the number of players a casual fan would recognize, and they went up against some of the biggest names in the sport. Ryan Miller went so far beyond what even I expected, and I'm glad that he got recognized with the MVP. Also great to see old man Rafalski get some recognition from the public and the press; he's been overshadowed by giants like Scott Niedermayer and Nick Lidstrom throughout his career, but he really showed his stuff in this tournament.

CanadaWinsGold said...

Of course you didn't want to lose. No one can blame you for that. That's where the blamelessness ends however.

A win for Crosby and not Canada...

Funny. I didn't see his picture on the front and back of his own jersey, let alone anyone else. I could have sworn I seen a bigass Maple Leaf on each and every team member.

Over-entitled douchery? Sure, if by that you mean Canada finally, after decades of humility decided to show some pride. Showing up in record numbers celebrating a Canadian game being played on Canadian soil. Damn Canucks backing their team and all. Galling.

I'm actually glad Team USA tied it up at the end of the third. It only served to set up a series of events where Crosby - and it's oh so much better that it was he alone - that buried the puck, instantly crushing the hopes and dreams of Team USA.

The sullen pouting look on Miller's face and everyone else while receiving their silver medal only sweetened it that much more.

Choke on a big red and white cock.

Go Canada - Hold the Gold high boys.

Megs said...

This loss stung. For the first time in my life, I felt my fondness for Sid to kinda go down. Ouch. I think I even said some pretty good curse words at the TV.

It might sound lame but I spent the first five minutes after that game crying...well more like sobbing. My mom was in tears too. We both wanted our guys to bring home the gold. Not to mention, we both felt bad for Ryan Miller. He was just so good. The expression and look on his face after the game just spoke it all. I know it was just a game, but seriously he looked heartbroken and I was feeling that.

I guess if I had to lose to anybody it was better that it was Canada and not Russia or Sweden. Our guys never lost in this whole tournament and I don't think they even went into overtime in any of the games, which in my opinion is a validation of talent. As an American, I couldn't ask for a better hockey team to represent my country.

Now before I start to sound like a hater, I am happy for Sid and even for Fluery ( I was afraid he wouldn't be given a medal since it didn't seem like he played any during the olympics).

At the same time, I just wonder what this gold medal would do for Sid. Where do you go in terms of achievement after getting the cup and a gold medal at such a young age? I can only hope this gold will motivate him to kick ass in the next three months. I feel like another Stanley Cup will ease the pain of this USA loss.

Now as for the guys getting Silver, it's not shabby at all. For a team that the hockey world barely talked about and figured were just underdogs, getting silver is a nice middle finger to the hockey establishment.

@ANovak017 - I have to laugh about what you said in terms of Sid's looks. I made the comment while watching the game about his acne. I noticed a little here and there or maybe they were faint scars on his upper cheek. I figured it was from stress but who knows.

And I sincerely hope nothing is fucking him. (Though the idea of a goal face makes me think of the whole Oh face thing from Office Space!) Don't ruin my dreams lol. For some reason (I blame an overdose on hockey), I had a dream about him this morning...a coffee date (so innocent I know). It was surreal because I woke up in my own dream and was like "This didn't happen. Oh wait I think it did." When I actually did wake up, I was like "Fuck that really was a dream."

Plus, if he really does have a girlfriend that just puts a total damper on my workout motivation. See my motivation is this...if I workout and turn down deserts, then maybe someday I can score a date with a guy who is just as cute as he is. I figure if I end up hitting my goal weight that way awesome. If I end up dating somebody cuter than him, that's just icing on the cake. I hope that makes sense somehow without sounding like a total weirdo.

Megs said...

I forgot to comment about Jason Bateman and Will Arnett...

I believe they're in the process of making an Arrested Development movie! I know Will is from Toronto so it makes sense as to why he's there watching the game. I just didn't know that Jason is a hockey fan. (Seriously Jason Bateman is hotter than Sidney Crosby on any day.)

One last thing I forgot to comment on... Hurray for Moms trying to be into hockey. I can relate so much to that. I find it awesome how my mom has been learning about the sport so she can watch the games with me and stuff. Who knew hockey could be great for mother-daughter bonding?

utterfrivolity said...

V. curious about who CanadaWinsGold is. A passer-by, or a regular who didn't want to sign her name to "Choke on a big red and white cock."?

Also glad that the myth of Canadian humility has been exposed. Not sure if it existed decades ago, but for as long as I've been an adult, the Canadians I know have been pretty fucking full of themselves. Guess what? It's not humility if you can't stop talking about how humble you are.

If I sound bitter about this, it's not just because of the loss, it's jealousy that I can't get away with being as patriotic as Canadians are without being labeled some sort of nationalist extremist. Maple leaf tattoo = cute; stars & stripes tattoo = American imperialist. Singing "O Canada" in the middle of a curling match = inspiring; singing "The Star-Spangled Banner" in the middle of a curling match = lack of respect for the sport. The double standard grates.

Matty P said...

That was a very bittersweet loss. I didn't even spit out a curse word when I saw Crosby score that last goal. I just kind of felt empty inside for a moment. But our team captain had just scored the game winning goal in what the announcers were calling "The most important game of hockey ever played"

Plus we won silver and beat the Canadians once already. Though if we would have won, I would have nothing to make excuses for and would be Canada-bashing so bad right now.... Ehh at least it's over.. Back to watching 'arguably' the best hockey player in the world bring home wins for the Pens

rockhopper said...

"Guess what? It's not humility if you can't stop talking about how humble you are."

So fucking true!

"If I sound bitter about this, it's not just because of the loss, it's jealousy that I can't get away with being as patriotic as Canadians are without being labeled some sort of nationalist extremist. Maple leaf tattoo = cute; stars & stripes tattoo = American imperialist."

Also true.

Utterfrivolity FTW.

As for the comment from CanadaWinsGold - whatevs.

Need Ice In Phoenix said...

Hey, let's give Ovie props where he deserves them. Ovie got a 2 second spotlight during the Sochi Olympics Marketing Presentation during the closing ceremonies. I didn't see Sid anywhere in the building.

I'll bet Ovie feels better now.

But srsly . . . the best part about seeing him at the closing ceremonies is knowing that he had to be in town while Sid was scoring the winning goal for Canada. Do you think he caught the game? LOL!

MouthGuard said...

Team USA should be prouder than proud for their performances throughout the Games. Remember that when this hot mess started, Team USA wasn't even seriously considered a medal contender. The silver was supposed to go to Team Douche or Team Sveeeeden. Anybody but the USA, 'member? Team USA proved that everybody's an idiot, and demonstrated their hunger for success from the start. And yahoo punkasses like the Johnsons and Kane also showed that they were capable of stepping up and elevating their game like we've never seen before; Kane's steal on Chachi's breakaway was one of the highlights of the game yesterday. Mr. Chewtoy can actually do something besides score goals - imagine that! Somebody give this guy a lollipop before he breaks his teeth chewing on his silver the way this dumbass did on his gold.

And then there's my boyfriend, Ryan Miller. The only Ryan that really matters, bitches. The whole motherfucking package: intelligence, talent, hockey smarts (in addition to intelligence), poise, composure, class, sexy. And sexy. And sexy. And sexy. And sexy. How can you begin to describe or deconstruct perfection?

I just want these guys to stop acting like it's the Holocaust because they "only" got the silver. Smile, fuckers! You're WINNERS, dumbasses!

As far as Team Canada is concerned, it just goes to show that you can never, ever underestimate the power of Spanxx and Prep H. They took the long road to the top but they managed to pull it out of their asses and push themselves to play more worthy hockey. Every morsel of me knew damn well that Chachi would score the winner but I couldn't say it aloud for fear of the jinx. I'm just glad Itchy Scratchy got the assist. Got an itch? Lemme scratch it for ya! Itchy is one of my favorite people and I'm so happy he got to play with Chachi for a week or two. And not to get sentimental or anything, but when they got their gold medals it was a thing of beauty to see one hard-nosed NHL face after the next melt and examine their medals like 5-year old boys: "Whooaaaa!" Even Pronger forgot how much his Spanxx were crushing his nuts to gaze upon his gold. Now, GET BACK TO YER DAY JOBS!!!

@Need Ice: I choked on my gin and tonic when I saw O-Felch mooning for Sochi during the closing ceremonies. His face looked like an ass with a missing tooth from far.

And everybody needs to stop talking about Chachi's hives, already. Don't make me come over there! You want pimples? Take a look at O-Felch. He's a walking, breathing, Stanley Cupless, Olympic non-champion blackhead. A zit from way back!

utterfrivolity said...

@MouthGuard - Back off my boyfriend, bitch. And don't forget one of his greatest assets: a hot-ass younger brother.

And yeah, I do hope the kids come to appreciate what they achieved with the silver. I get why they looked so pained, because I felt that OT goal like a punch in the gut; but it's like Burkie said in an interview after the game, when you lose a hockey game, you don't reflect on what you've done, but on what you haven't done. But he also said that with just a little bit of time--even just a day--they'd reflect on it and feel better. I hope that's true.

CrackerLilo said...

For the past almost 24 hours, I've had people, including my mom, ask me if I felt okay about Canada's win because Crosby got it. And for the past 24 hours, my response has been a variation of, "If a Canadian had to get it, I'm glad it's that one. I didn't give him permission to score again until he got back to Pittsburgh, though." That boy just doesn't listen!

I think we can all agree that silver or gold, acne or not, none of those men who played last night will be sleeping alone for the rest of the season unless it's by choice. Also, if Ovechkin's sleeping alone, it's both just and hilarious.

@ ANovak: I also had the thought, "I think the whole world just saw what he looks like when he comes."

@ utterfrivolity: I'm also really happy to see American interest in hockey, and international interest in American players, spike. Crosby makes a habit of hurting Ryan Miller's feelings, though--his last hat trick was against him. I agree with everything you said regarding patriotism.

@ CanadaWinsGold: I am a two-sport girl, and as the game unfolded yesterday, a NASCAR driver whom I hate with an undying hate was dominating the Las Vegas race. The only reason I was not borderline-homicidal last night and this morning was the fact that it was Crosby. He did your country proud. You are not.

@ Megs: Maybe the next thing for Crosby's a Proactiv endorsement? (I think I might have to run like hell for that one. Also, I shouldn't talk because my skin's bedeviled me all my life.) My friends and I spent a few minutes trying to cast the inevitable biopic. I'm pretty sure he's got a few more dreams, though--GWG for another Stanley Cup, for starters.

An "Arrested Development" movie's good news, though. And we've got another reason to not hate Canada, despite some Canadians' best attempts to make us!

Anyone got thoughts about Jordan Leopold and what Ray Shero may have up his sleeve?

Need Ice In Phoenix said...

Pretty sure Ovi is never alone at night. I'm guessing he has more ho-bags than Tiger. And probably of an even lesser quality. Ick!

I still hope Sid picked himself up a snowboard chick while he was staying in the Olympic Village. I don't even care what country she's from.

I keep hearing that VANOC had thousands of extra condoms shipped in for the games (for the athletes). Do they think that all these people do is compete in their events and go fuck? LOL!

MouthGuard said...

@Everybody:

I agree with Cracker - if any particular buttmunch on Team Canada or Team USA had any issues getting laid before, those technical difficulties are officially over, now. Professional and Olympic-calibre athletes are supposed to refrain from getting it on too much when they're trying to compete. But hey, if condom shipments made it to the Olympic Village without interception (harharhar), all I can say is I hope they were delivered courtesy of the wholesome folks at OhMiBod. Perfect for morning skate, right? ;) Or Pens gift baskets next holiday season, if you're Eric Godard. Who was spotted during the Olympic break at the Adult Entertainment Expo, checking out OhMiBod's Lovebuckle, a condom-dispensing belt accoutrement with a window "since you never know who's looking at your pants..." Yeah, son! Don't you hate it when that groin injury keeps "acting up?"

Thankfully, Ryan Miller is still a chaste, virgin Michigan Mountain Man so he doesn't have to worry about injuring his groin, catching kooties from rogue biathletes or being attacked by a horny 50-something cougar curler. He is saving himself pour moie, utterfrivolity. ;) Pour moie.

In defense of Chachi's skin... You guys are making it sound like he's a raging pizzaface or something! WTF? A hive/angry pore does not a pizzaface make, motherfuckers! A day in the life of a hockey player's face/flesh goes something like this:

** Wake up/Masturbate
** Shower/Shave
** Work out
** Shower/Masturbate/Shave
** Practice
** Sweat
** Shower/Masturbate/Shave
** Warm-up
** Sweat
** Play game
** Sweat
** Shower/Masturbate/Shave

Their skin is under continual, extreme duress. Continual! Extreme! Pores are being hacked at, pried open and slammed shut all day long so it's no wonder they seem prone to breakouts. Know who has full-on deep-dish Chicago-style ACNE? Patrick Chewtoy Kane. His forehead is practically a dopplar radar screen. It's because he keeps the above-detailed "schedule" and his diet consists of Fritos and Mars bars.

MouthGuard said...

Goddammit! Addendum to previous "Day In The Life of Hockey Player Face/Flesh":

** Wake up/Masturbate
** Shower/Shave
** Work out
** SWEAT
** Shower/Masturbate/Shave
** Practice
** Sweat
** Shower/Masturbate/Shave
** Warm-up
** Sweat
** MASTURBATE
** Play game
** Sweat
** Shower/Masturbate/Shave
** MASTURBATE

I missed a few "masturbates" in the previous sequence. I'm such a dork. Sweating is ALWAYS followed by maturbation or showering/masturbation.

Again, my apologies.

EyeHeartCandy said...

Hey OBITCHkin, now we can say Sid's got the Cup and the Gold!
Despite Orps and Team USA's loss, I couldn't help but be happy that Sid saved the day for Team Canada. If anyone were to beat us in OT, Im glad it was our Sid. 22 years old and ALL of his dreams have come true: A Cup and Gold. We are really lucky to have Sid here in The Burgh.
Orps was a fucking BEAST. Silver aint nothing to sneeze at, and he looks good in silver at that.

Anna. said...

Sid never fails to amaze me. I swear.. I've never been so inspired by someone in my life.

Annie S said...

I sobbed when Brooksie got his silver medal. Like real, legit tears a woman cries when she has just birthed a child. Ashferddd's friend had to console me in his arms, is how bad it was.

So, so fucking proud of our boys. And Sidney too, but especially our guys. No one expected them to get this far.

 
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