Monday, February 15, 2010

how the olympics make us FEEL

Welcome, all, to the masturbatory post in which PH staff tells you who we like best in the Olympics.
Pay attention.
US versus Switzerland prelim game today at 3PM.
IT! HAS! BEGUN!!!!!!

We all picked the teams we are rooting for/the teams we think will actually medal. Also optional was a team that you want to choke on a dick.


I want there to be a Russia-USA final in men's hockey, with Russia coming out victorious. After a lot of thought of which of these teams I want to win gold, I've decided this time around to root for Russia. In 02 I was hardcore rooting for Canada, for Mario. I'm not sure there was anyone happier than the 13 year old American girl running up and down her street after weeks of ridicule in school once Canada won gold. "Commie" they said. "You're not Canadian, you're an American." But alas, hockey is first and foremost Canada's game, and Mario was getting older. So I took the choruses of commie in stride, and looked proudly upon my Team Canada Mario Lemieux wall posters in solitude. It's funny for me to think, 8 years later, what those high school haters would say to me this time around, now that I'm pulling for the real "commies."

1) Russia. I want Mother Russia to bring home the gold, simply because they're the team with the most players I like. Honestly, the thought of Malkin, Ovechkin and Kovalchuk on the same team makes me salivate. Aleksey Morozov has always been a favorite of mine, and I'm so excited to watch him play again, albeit for only 2 weeks. Basically, I am really into every player on that team, and for the few non-NHLers I've never heard of, they must be cool because all Russians are bad ass.

2) USA. Ok, what type of human would I be if my home country wasn't on my list? To be honest, USA would definitely be my number 1, if one little thing was different. His name is Scuderi, Rob Scuderi. (Yes, I watched a James Bond movie for the first time last night). I was over the moon about the possibility of Scuderi and Orpik being reunited on D for a few weeks. However, for some reason, my pleas over twitter for #ScuderiforUSA fell on deaf ears. As it is, I'm very happy for Brooks, and Ryan Malone, and would not be upset to see them bring home the gold. Even Ryan Whitney, despite the fact that Scuderi should have been in instead of him.

3) Canada. I love Canada. Every year, if the Oenguins are not in the Cup final, and there is no team I really feel attached to, I will cheer for the Canadian team, if there is one present. I just feel like Canada is entitled to win stuff every so often. However, not this Olympics. Even though there are a few Canadian team members in into, there's just not as many as Russia. Sids a youngin. He's got another 2 or 3 Olympics to make it happen.

4) Belarus. Ok, really, the only reason this here is because Zoë told me to pick 4 teams. I had my set top 3, and decided I would be a good girlfriend, and throw in the team that my Belorussian boyfriend is rooting for. Now, I am not disillusioned enough to think Belarus actually has a chance at a gold medal, but hey, if they could pull off some crazy shocking shenanigans, that would be great.

Who I actually think is going to medal? idk, I'm going to be awesomely funny and say biggest upset all time and go with 1) Slovokia 2) Czech 3) Sweden.

Top Teams:

Group A - Patriot. I love my Brooks and I want him to win shiny things so that when he stares blankly, at least it is at gold. Norway and Switzerland are non-issues and I do not care what happens to them. I realize that there is going to be an epic battle on the 21st and really, I sort of accept that it's in Vancouver and someone amazing will probably sing their national anthem (hopefully not Celine) and they'll be so overcome by emotion that it will turn into a massacre. I sort of giggle when I think of Patrick Kane going up against epic Team Canada... I just don't see how this could go well unless Norway has a pact with Brian Burke and totally kneecaps Sid. Switzerland would never do it, obvs, because they're neutral.

Group B - Czechs!!! I love Michaleks! They are adorable and they will own Slovakia. Not so much Russia, but at least maybe they can have fun with the Latvians. Good luck, Z!

Group C- Gotta go with Finland mainly because of Sami Lepistö but with a little Teemu on the side. Finland will eat Sweden for breakfast!

Least fav team: the Ruskies. They give me such a complex. I'm beyond conflicted because I love Malks. Really, I do. But, seriously. They aren't even a country, they're a "Federation". WTF. Suck it, Datsyuk. Eat shit and die, Kovalchuk. Heart you, Bryz. Go hang yourself, Semin. Wooo, Gonch. They're playing with my emotions. I think they like it that way, and it pisses me off.

Honestly, I think it's going to come out Canada, Russia, USA but I WANT it to come out USA, Canada, Czech, Every Other Team Ever, and Russia disqualified for having too many Ilyas. All that matters is that Rick Nash wins a gold medal so it can ease the sting when he never wins the Stanley Cup.

1.) Gotta root for USA first. Just patriotism, which I have very, very, very little of, so take note of it. And. . .you know. . .Brooks Orpik. Would be more emphatic about my #1 pick, but I think Ryan Miller is kind of a little bitch. Tim Thomas is fat but good fat. I cried during his Vezina speech so I have to give the man something. I wish he were starting. ALAS. Also: Whits, Malone (duh). Dustin Brown. Bobby Ryan. I can always dream. I'm not a fan of a lot of the guys on the team (I'm looking at you, Brian Rafalski! And Jamie you are getting fromaldehyde everywhere STOP IT) but it's USA and they're a young, inexperienced team and I always, always, always root underdog.

2.) Finland, but just on general principle. They have Teemu. They have Jarkko Ruutu (a man I miss with all my heart). And fucking Miikka fucking Kipprusoff. And THEY ARE FINNISH. Cloudberry liquor for everyone!!!!!

3.) Russia! I have a love affair with Russia going way back and have done a fair amount of research on Soviet art and culture, which, despite Russia not being a communist state anymore, still has a profound influence on how Russia is perceived by the outside world, and how their culture operates nowadays. Communism was the "enemy" way back when and there's something romantic about the "evil" Reds winning over the Western world. And really, I can't forget: Malks! Gonch! Bryz! Nabby! Okay, they have Ovechkin. And Kovalchuk is a hair-tossing diva. And Semin is just a rat bastard. But if Morozov is captain he will help them all know what's what so I'm not going to waste time being concerned.

4.) I love Canada and I love a lot of the boys on this team but they're favored to win and thus they just don't need my support as much as some of the other boys. They're the host nation after all. I hope they do well, but then again I don't. I love it when magic happens. If Canada is to win anything they better sure as fuck make it magical.

Actual medals: prolly Canada for gold, Russia for silver. I want to be a homer and give USA the bronze so I will. Because my TOKEN CHOKE A DICK TEAM is (surprise) Sweden. I hope they choke and die and then. . .burn. Yeah. Burn. That sounds about right.
To quote a drunken friend who was once dissatisfied with his Swedish vodka: Fuck the fucking Swedes.

Has a lot of class today and couldn't be here but she says she agrees with me.
Which may or may not be true.

So. . .
I think we can all agree that we want USA to win the USA/Switzerland game today, right?
I don't know how to end a post without saying Go Pens.
Go Brooks?


Holly Jameson said...

Just like I wanted that married Chinese couple to win gold in Pairs Figure skating because they fucking deserved it and worked 18 years for it, I want Canada to take Gold.


1) They're Canadians who live and breathe and probably die hockey. Then reincarnate into hockey fans again.
2)It's in their country, which leads me to....
3) If they lose there is going to be nuclear holocaust I'm sure. Missles strapped to ice skates and shooting luge style towards Russia, Sweden, Finland, Switzerland, and anybody else who placed above and below them. The U.S. they will take out by marching or straddling polar bears and patriotic moose with revenge gripping their cold moose (meese?) hearts. The polar bears have been promised seals. It'll get ugly folks. DON'T FUCK WITH THE GREAT WHITE NORTH!

overunity said...

I've been reading your blog for a couple years now and always leave entertained and even educated so it's sad to me and quite surprising that the obvious winner of the gold wasn't picked by all. The first game hasn't even started and team Canada already has the Gold medal locked.

I'm not pinning that prediction to one single player on the team. Mr. Y. did slowly and carefully put together an excellent roster but I think it's more how events in 2006 played out, we lost so abysmally that we now have something to prove. The fact that it's being played on home soil and a Canadian game to boot it's a simple fact that no other team wants it remotely as badly as Canada does.

Iginla, Luongo, Crosby, Nash, Stall. The list goes on and on and on. Who's going to stop them? Orpik? No wait maybe Malone. No. Just No. Malkin? He'll choke as he did in the '08 Stanley Cup finals.

Go Canada.

debrisslide said...

@overunity - It's called the spirit of competition. Get over it.

MouthGuard said...

I don't know how anybody can bother making predictions for these Games given that these might just be the most star-crossed, jinxxxxxed Olympics EVER!!!

Get your superstitious on!

Anybody get a load of the awesome look of disgust on Gretzky's case when this happened? Tsk tsk tsk. I mean, what the FUCK is that fugly thing, anyway? What WERE they thinking? I'm just glad my beautiful boyfriend Bobby Orr didn't have to cope with that hot mess. It was such an utterly perfect Spinal Tap moment. Derek Smalls' malfunctioning cocoon, anybody?

I think recent events have demonstrated that pretty much anything wacky can and will happen at these Games. Which means all bets are off with the events. I'm waiting to see who gets photographed naked showering in the Olympic Village first. Team Douche will be missing out on all the fun, but of course - that's what they get for not being able to part with their tacky amenities du jour (call girls, Tsar Nicoulai caviar snack trays, spa buttcrack waxes, parking spots for their Hummers, etc.) in staying at the Sutton Place instead of the Olympic Village like mere mortal athletes do. Even the token baginas on Team Canada would gladly trade their spa buttcrack waxes for a gold medal, or a "leaked" naked shower photo from the Olympic Village for 15 minutes of fun (non-Bettman monitored) fame.

Who's hungry? That's what I'm curious about. Who wants the gold most? We'll see! :)

Big Taste said...

@MouthGuard: The Spinal Tap cocoon was the very first thing that came to my mind when that happened.

USA update like, a million years late: Ryan Malone made it 3-0 and then I JIZZED...IN...MY...PANTS.

I've been very conflicted over who to root for. I really want Canada to win, but at the same time I want 'MURR-IH-CUH to win because if I didn't, that would be very un-uh-murr-ih-cuhn of me. But then I want Malkin and Gonchar to jump in and kick the shit out of everyone.

The only thing I'm sure of is that Sweden can suck the dick I do not possess. I'm also hoping that the Czech Republic and Slovakia do fairly well because Jagr and Chara are beasts.

utterfrivolity said...

I want Sweden or the US to win, but honestly, I'd be happy with any podium that completely excludes the Canadians. I feel kinda bad about this, because I have no problem with the team--I've owned a Canada hockey sweater for years, and of course this team was put together by some of my favorite people in all of hockey--but I really want the Canadian public to suck it. I know they're just snobs about hockey because that's the only thing their country does well, but it's gotten on my nerves of late.

Megs said...

I'm like Mouth Guard, I can't make predictions about this. Instead, I'll probably just sit back and watch all the glorious hockey as it happens. But I do like the predictions everyone has put on the table.

@Big Taste - I'm glad somebody aside from myself is excited to see Jagr! Yes. Not sure if you saw or not, but it looks like his amazing wicked mullet is back.

Not sure if you saw this article, but it made me smile...

Sophie29 said...

oooo Caaanaaadaaa

I definitely root for Canada. I am not American, neither Canadian but I like this team. Also, Russia looks to have pretty tough team .. but it's never favorites who win so ... not sure. I wanna see Canada, USA and Russia on the podium .. would be great !

MouthGuard said...

@utterfrivolity: "I know they're just snobs about hockey because that's the only thing their country does well..."

Naughty, naughty.

What about MANNERS? What about BEER? What about BROWN LIQUOR? What about maple syrup? What about poutines? What about Jos Louis? What about comedy? What about UN PEACEKEEPING? What about wildlife protection and preservation? What about SWIMMING? What about BEARS? What about CARIBOU (the liquor and the animal)? What about APPLES? What about BLUEBERRIES? What about HEALTH CARE NOBODY HAS TO WORRY ABOUT? What about BOBBY MOTHERFUCKING ORR? What about FURRY HATS? What about NEIL MOTHERFUCKING YOUNG? What about JONI MOTHERFUCKING MITCHELL? What about MOTHERFUCKING BEAVERS? What about HIGHER EDUCATION THAT'S ACCESSIBLE TO EVERYBODY WITHOUT BREAKING YOUR BANK? What about the UNKNOWN MOTHERFUCKING COMIC? What about synchronized swimming, and therefore MARTIN SHORT? What about PIERRE ELLIOTT TRUDEAU GOD BLESS HIS BADASS MOTHERFUCKING SOUL?

Just because Canadians have decided it's okay to officially boast about ONE OF THE MANY THINGS they do well, doesn't mean Canadians are officially obnoxious, over-confident boors. My passport is American but I grew up Canadian so my beaver takes this type of chatter very seriously. Ay yoiye.

Big Taste said...

MouthGuard: You left out BOB MUTHAFUCKIN' SAGET.

Also, that mullet=everything is is right in the world. I felt his opening ceremony pants complimented it very nicely. And I did not see that article, thanks for sharing.

Need Ice In Phoenix said...

@Ann - Sid's kneecaps are safe as long as he stays away from the figure skaters (and AO).

@Holly Jameson - I can picture you riding high on the back of a moose carrying a flaming hockey stick. It's scary but I have to agree with you.

I am a proud American but I also believe that Canada will care more if their boys win and Canada will care more if their boys lose. If the USA doesn't win Gold, we will "get over it" in a New York minute.

Go Team Canada in Hockey!
Go Team USA in everything else! (Thanks Snoop!)

MouthGuard said...

@Big Taste: Actually, Bob Saget is from Philly, but the vibe is totally on target. ;) When he does stand-up he is an honorary Canadian. Perhaps you were thrown off because of Dave Coulier (his house mate on Full House - not Canadian) who boinked Alanis Morrisette (who is Canadian) and then became the subject of one of her more unfortunately famous songs from the '90s. NOT one of Canada's better exports! Blech.

I forgot about Mr. Dressup, also. Mr. Motherfucking Dressup. And Friendly Giant. And the Canadian Tuxedo. Sniff sniff.

Be nice, dammit! Be stupid but be nice!

@Megs: Thank you for that awesome mullet update!

MouthGuard said...

Perhaps Team Douche will wear fur and be rattled by PETA's demonstrations. Between the fur and the caviar, they need to watch their kneecaps.

CrackerLilo said...

My office has flat-screen TVs that are usually turned to news up and down the halls. Half of them were turned to the USA v. Switzerland game this afternoon as a treat for us cube-dwellers, and half of us were watching intermittently and shouting, "USA! USA!" with each goal, plus the end when they officially won. Those of us who had players from our favorite NHL teams on Team USA also shouted out their names. It was cool.

I've said it before, but will again. If I were betting money, it would be on Canada. Since I'm not, it's USA (so glad Orpik and Malone are on that team!), then Russia because I'm married to an Olympics-crazed Russian who has been alternating her Datsyuk and Malkin T-shirts to wear in the gym. (I am so not kidding.) But I wouldn't hate seeing Canada win--Holly Jameson lays out a good case, plus it was watching Crosby play that got me officially hooked on hockey in the first place and I'd like to see him do well.

@ MouthGuard: I have also become convinced that the entire 2010 Winter Olympics is cursed. I keep hoping that absolutely no Penguins will be injured. Get my superstitious on? I get my superstitious on in ten ways before breakfast!

@ Megs: Yay, the mullet's back!

MouthGuard said...

Everybody's curious about what the Olympic reject NHL'ers are doing in their spare time, but what about their sorry neglected coaches? What about them?

What's Wooly Willy - sorry, Boudreau up to? How is he going to justify eating all those donuts without the stress of dealing with the Spice Girls?

And what's going on with Mr. Drysdale - ehm, Quenneville? Who is he going to yell at now that everybody's hit the hammocks?

EHisCDN said...


Canadians are amazing at many things. Please do not insult my country. I will try to be politically correct here.
Canadians do well at many things but don't need to boast about it; the one time we express our pride we get mocked for it?!?! Hockey is so much more than just something that we boast about, it's something that unifies our country which is fractured by regionality. You can be a Newfie, Quebecois, someone from the Maritimes, Prairies, West Coast, Central Canada and everyone will have a passion for hockey, everyone will have one team that they cheer for - Team Canada. Francophone or Anglophone this is a something understood by all equally, it's own national language if you please.

It's hard to explain to someone who is not Canadian the importance and national significance of hockey. I know Canadians can be conceited about hockey, but it is one of the few things that we all feel so strongly about.

thanks for defending Canada.

usbzoso said...

Go Team Belarus! As my crazy Belorussian brother said ... "Go the fabled and feared TITS brothers!!!!" You don't want to mess with the TITS!

TP said...

@EHisCDN: Word. One of the many, many reasons I love hockey, and what fascinates me the most about it, is the sociological factor-- how a sport can mean so much for a country's national identity. All non-Canadian hockey fans should thank Canada for sharing with us the most awesome sport in world.

It would mean so much for Team Canada to win gold on home soil, so Go Canada Go!

(USA for bronze? I think that's a realistic goal for my countrymen.)

utterfrivolity said...

Lighten up, Canadians. I've seen your fucking heritage minutes. I know Canadians have done shit.

I could just go without the obnoxious comments (in the Canadian press and online) about Americans being lesser hockey fans. Obvs. most Americans couldn't name five hockey players, but there's a lot of bullshit about American fans being inferior or uneducated or whatever, and this year during the World Juniors, it got to be a bit much for me.

It's particularly annoying when I hear about the centrality of hockey to Canadian life from my best friend, whose family has fucking season tickets to the Maple Leafs, but who once had to ask me how many periods were in a game. (I have had some great conversations about hockey with her brother, though, so those season tickets don't go completely to waste.)

I do have a new favorite Canadian athlete: Patrick Chan, who besides being unbelievably adorable, wore a Red Wings jersey in an NBC fluff piece last night. Go Patrick!

Need Ice In Phoenix said...

I'm not sure I can come right out and thank Canada for giving the world Hockey. Since becoming a fan my life is distracted, stressed and completely disorganized from the beginning of training camp to the end of the SCF.




MouthGuard said...

@EHisCDN: My pleasure. You can count on me and my beav to have your back when things get stupid and sticky. ;)

So was I higher than usual or did I miss the part when CNBC warned us about JR doing "color" or whatever the fuck he was hired on to do during their men's hockey coverage?! Seriously? JR? Jeebus. I was hoping that pterodactyl might take a bit of time off, hit the tanning salon to perfect that overall BBQ sheen, maybe treat himself to a laser resurfacing or an eye job, do something about those protruding lower choppers - but noooooo. He couldn't keep his tranny trap shut for more than like a DAY. Now he's yapping our ears off with inane insights about the particulars of Olympic hockey tournaments. Great - that's just dandy. Sigh. Do you suppose he's rooting for Team... USA??? Hmmm. Ya think? He can hardly stifle himself. Thank goodness for high-def mute. For once, I was actually grateful for Milbury. Which is pret-ty sad.

Big Taste said...

Hold the phone...not only is Bob Saget not Canadian, but he's from FUCKING PHILLY?! I feel like my entire life has been one big lie. I'm not sure if I can ever watch Full House the same way again...

But we can't forget about Degrassi.

MouthGuard said...

@Big Taste: The dirty feeling will pass - trust. It's not like you're on a shame spiral, or anything. ;)

Everything in Philly smells like farts and fat because of the river and the diet. It's what happens when everything you eat is "wit" or "wit-out." It's not Bob's fault. He's tried to evolve beyond it, but...

I neglected to mention VOIVOD. Tabarnacle de colis. God bless you, Piggy - you genius.

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