Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Puck Huffers Teaches You Shit

This is another recurring feature that we are debuting in order to refresh ya'll on what our fundamental Principles of Life are.
Not to speak ill of newer readers (in fact, we generally love everyone who comments), but we've been noticing lately that in the beginning of our blogging adventures, we tended to know and have a relationship with our readers, even if it was based largely in non sequitur--and this is no longer the case.
Our goal is to create a kind of PH reference manual to how we see hockey and the world around us. Mostly so you can get to know us better and we can get to know you better (in the most cracked-out of senses). We're mysterious, but we are also very principled.

LESSON #1: DUDES
We tried to touch on this in the early, introductory stages of PH, and tried to flesh it out with Crash My Net Fridays, and later on, with Everyday Tasks.
Basically we are straight women and therefore we dig on men.
We can't help it.

The main mistake that a lot of female sports blogs make is to act like they are being persecuted as fans because they are girls (and only interested in the sport for purposes of boning). One: you probably are by some meathead somewhere. Two: if you have a blog, you're not that persecuted. Step one is confidence in who you are as a human being and, in this case, as a sportsfan. If you start with an excessively defensive posture, you're probably not going to go far, because you'll get so wrapped up in defense that you'll forget about your offense (or your content/opinions).
This is why the trap is boring in hockey, for example.

We try to be an offensive-minded team.
Note Bill Guerin, who still manages to look fine as shit while standing next to Bettman. We say "fine as shit" because we don't expect retribution.
Most smart male hockey fans have a little man-love in them anyway.
To love hockey is to love a sport of awkward men.
If you have any qualms about the "awkward" bit, just look at the latest (dubious apparently) photos of PKane embarrassing himself:
Not that PKane is our type.
But he's probably somebody's.
There are at least 500 different flavors of awkward in hockey and they all have to do with dudes.

We love dudes.
We might even get all squee and !!! about dudes--but we keep that shit off the Internet.
The lesson here is:
Please, for the love of god, love your men with integrity.
It's easy enough to tell a knowledgeable female hockey fan from one who has had more dicks in her mouth than Dan Carcillo has served penalty minutes.
Don't concede to anybody, bitches.
Malks looks really awesome in those pants still.
We really don't care what anybody says about it, either.

As always, we recommend The Hockey Junkies because their lust for dudes is probably only matched by how much they know about hockey. Which is: a hell of a lot.
We love them.

Thanks for tuning in.
We hope you all understand us a little better.
So that we can better understand YOU, the reader (*WINK*), please get a discussion going in the comments.
Au revoir.

GO PENS.

28 comments:

Irish Hammer said...

I'm just surprised none of you have hit on Chris Connor yet. Dude was looking kind of dreamy the other night (no homo).

MadMax84 said...

"It's easy enough to tell a knowledgeable female hockey fan from one who has had more dicks in her mouth than Dan Carcillo has served penalty minutes."
You could've ended the sentence with "who has had more dicks in her mouth than Dan Carcillo" and I wouldn't have batted an eye.

Probably one of the most solid posts on the foibles of too-defensive female fans. Be yourself, bitches! I tend to take on the loudmouth, hot pretzel-gnawing fan role, but that's just me.

Also, Billy Guerin and his mustache bring out the squee! in this female fan, for sure. He better get back in the lineup Thursday so we can catch the full glory of the 'stache before the month's over.

@Irish Hammer: Amen on CC. Baby blue-eyes and speed through the neutral zone? Sign me up.

Aubrey said...

#1 - How do I feel about dudes?
With my hands! (Kidding! Sort of.) I love dudes.

#2 - Am I a persecuted airhead?
Morons are pretty easy to ignore. If one gets really persistent I ask in all seriousness which one of (insert name on the jersey he's wearing)'s eyes he thinks are the prettiest. I've never had one bother me after that and I got a drink out of it once.

As for being an airhead... I know enough not to completely embarass myself.

Can I stay so far?

@Irish Hammer and MadMax84: Ditto for me. I wish he could have stayed awhile longer :(

CrackerLilo said...

So I guess I'm one of the reasons for this post. :-)

Ha, Guerin looked less than thrilled about being in that first picture! And MadMax84, I'm not one for mustaches, but his definitely looks better than a lot of others we've seen. He wears it well. I love that our team does things like making a player who screws up at shootout practice be "Mustache Boy" for the month. I love the bit about "awkwardness," too. Hockey players, as a group, are fun precisely because they aren't particularly cool.

"...if you have a blog, you're not that persecuted." Nice dose of perspecive there.

As those of you who've seen my Cocktails With the Penguins blog or personal blog know, I'm bi and married to another woman. (We went to Massachusetts.) L'Ailee is the one who taught me hockey--actually, guilted me into it because I got her into NASCAR first--but she knew I'd eventually notice that some of these guys were cute, or interesting-looking, or had nice bodies. It's called an "outlet." It adds another layer of fun for me. When I had boyfriends, I developed lots of crushes on female singers. I don't feel at all bad about that.

You're right, defensive is boring, and we don't want to become New Jersey Devils! I've gotten that way. I got annoyed growing up because men who'd only been watching NASCAR for, like, a week would see that I was young and female and assume I only knew about how the guys looked in fireproof suits. I know the technology, dreamed of being the first woman to win the Daytona 500, and have been watching since I was *three*.

So I also get annoyed when people think I only watch hockey to look at guys and don't know the sport. Or I get, "Do you *really* like it, or are you just trying to please her?," which I know is the same song other married female hockey fans hear with the pronoun changed. I wouldn't bother watching if I didn't enjoy the hell out of the games, and I've worked really hard to learn how the sport works! But I try to remind myself that some people just plain cherish their ignorance because it's the only thing that lets them feel good about themselves. Since you can't change what I will generously call their minds, they're not really worth your time and energy.

Besides, male fans can be embarrassing, too. Men don't take the drunken lout trying to pick a fight as a reflection on them, so I don't think we need to take, say, the woman in the tight white dress and the "Marry me, Sidney!" sign as a reflection on us, either.

Becky said...

Love this post....so true...

@CrackerLilo...love the drunken men/gal in a dress comment!

Love the dudes...hey I know guys don't watch beach volleyball for the VOLLEYBALL right? I figure it is just a little perk.

As for defensive...the trap drains my will to live!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nat said...

Snaps to PH staff for always keeping this blog in check, and making the right moves to stay true to its purpose.

I did feel a little guilty/sheepish reading this post because, let's face it, I've written haikus about Crosby's ass.

But I grew up around half-naked men in my sport all my life. As a female, it's hard to separate appreciation for the Y chromosome with what they bring to their sport. You have to accept it, and recognize that these boys work their asses off.

The fact that they are cute to boot is just a bonus.

ANovak017 said...

I can't lie and say that a cute guy didn't get me into hockey, because one did. However, the difference is, I loved watching the game. I've learned quite a bit considering I had a hockey mom teach me the basics and the little knit-picky rules.
I appreciate the attractiveness of a man like any other straight female, but I try not to let it overshadow what I know.

The balance you put into this blog is perfect by the way.

EHisCDN said...

I think this blog is amazing. It's hilarious but still gives you all the stuff you wanna know about the game without being boring (it's especially good if you live outside of Pittsburgh and can't watch the games because your internet is too crappy to stream them). Yet the fact that it is written by females who know hockey and love the guys playing it makes it totally identifiable to me.

Keep up the great work, and I'll try to keep my more vulgar comments to myself ;)

Hockey is an awkward sport though, you've obviously seen some of the pics that you've posted on here that look like one guy is raping the other...but that's part of the game.

@CrackerLilo I love the dress comment, because it's so true!

utterfrivolity said...

We might even get all squee and !!! about dudes--but we keep that shit off the Internet.

We're supposed to keep that shit off the Internet? Ooops...

A Canadian friend who's interned with the NHLPA told me this weekend that I know more about hockey than any American he's met. Which makes me think he needs better American friends, because I probably know less about hockey than any of you bitches, but whatever. I appreciated the sentiment. And then I shamelessly spent an hour trying to get a female friend into hockey by showing her the many pics of half-naked players I have on my hard drive. I see no contradiction here.

@Becky - Does anyone watch beach volleyball just for the volleyball? I mean, I've come to appreciate the sport, but I don't know if I would've started watching to begin with if it weren't for this and this.

EHisCDN said...

@ Becky, I agree with what you said. One of the only ways that guys will check out female sports is if the women playing are half naked.

On a hockey related note, I'm so psyched to see the Pens play the Sens tomorrow. The sens are hot right now so it should be a good game. And also as a long time leafs fan I want to see the Sens crushed! I also want to watch the "other" Brodeur play aha! And Cheechoo!

Jess said...

I think it's kind of a cracked-out theory of relativity that the "smart" hockey girl has to struggle with: these guys are hot because they play hockey.

I'll admit it, Geno is gangly and slightly doofy looking, but kinda cute like that boy you were bff's with in kdg. before the onset of cooties. But when he buries a backhander behind some joke goalie? Total sex. Same when Mark Eaton throws himself in front of the net to block a shot. It's what these guys do on the ice (and off... Tea party with Godard, anyone?) that elevates them from average dude to the "hotties" we love.

EHisCDN said...

@Jess

I think that's exactly it.

utterfrivolity said...

@Jess - YES. Reminds me of when I found this photo, and I was trying to share my joy with non-hockey-fan friends:

Just for some extra enjoyment, I'm attaching a picture from a Swedish magazine that I found while I was trying to distract myself between overtimes on Monday. I have no idea if it's hot to someone who's not a hockey fan. I have no perspective here. But that man is one of the greatest defensemen ever to play the game, and he's an amazing leader and a wonderful guy, and I think that photo might be the sexiest thing I've ever seen in my life.

Jess said...

@utterfrivolity Yea, he works for me, haha. And he falls perfectly in line with the Theory of Hockey Hotness Relativity. I'm so getting that shit trademarked.

debrisslide said...

@utterfrivolity - There's totally a place on the internet for squee and !!!, but we consider that a more personal side of our lives I think. Despite the fact that this blog is pretty absurd we have a sense of journalistic integrity. Our mission is to integrate being hockey fans with you know. . .being girls. And we do it for an audience, too. We try to have a universal appeal. We know not a lot of guys are reading, but our goal is not to alienate anybody--like we're pretty sure men don't read HftL, for example. . .

Need Ice In Phoenix said...

@Jess
You nailed it!

I mean think about it, how the hell would any woman (outside of hockey) know that these guys are hot?? What we see on the ice is guys skating around wearing FAT SUITS with sweaty hair sticking out of dorky little helmets and a mouth full of plastic or no front teeth at all. WHAT'S HOT ABOUT THAT!!! For this reason alone female hockey fans should be saluted for being REAL FANS of the sport.

I fell into hockey because of the speed of the game and the pure talent that it must take to skate like they do. I was AMAZED after attending only a minor league game. I was willing to watch more hockey "in spite of the fights" because it was such an exciting game.

Then I heard someone (on ESPN no less) talking about some 19 year old kid who had just won a bunch of awards and was named the captain of the Pittsburgh Penguins. That got my attention but it was the Winter Classic that hooked me forever. I forgot it was on and didn't tune in until the last 10 minutes only to see that "kid" win the game in a snow storm. INSTANTLY HOOKED FOREVER ON HOCKEY!!! (I just got a big chill thinking about that moment.)

Then came the BONUS for being a female hockey fan . . . . I found out the guys with the bad hair under the fat suits were actually SMOKIN HOT and RIDICULOUSLY HUMBLE. Those two things together are deal breakers for me.

This fan site ROCKS and the bitches who run it give us all a gift with every post.

GO PH!!!!!

GO PENS!!!

captain badger said...

I love you guys. Thank you for not being the New Jersey Devils equivalent of female hockey bloggers.

@MadMax84 - "You could've ended the sentence with "who has had more dicks in her mouth than Dan Carcillo" and I wouldn't have batted an eye."
-that's how I initially read it, actually, hahaha, and I didn't think anything of it. OOPS.

Also, hearing my guy friends say they'd do MaxTal is kind of one of the highlights of hockey fandom for me. Just saying. XD

MyDearestObsession said...

@Jess: Exactly.

Anybody who is a great athlete AND humble enough to do some of the things they do off the ice (the tea party was pretty much one of the most adorable things I've seen) has my undying respect and is instantly attractive in my eyes, missing teeth or no. Not to mention how much of a REAL team they are - they've always got each other's backs and they just do classy things, like Sid giving Pechurskiy the game puck after the Canucks game or defending Geno when a bunch of reporters started getting on his case about his scoring slump. Or the way they stick up for each other during the games (a la Tanger Sunday afternoon).

I can't honestly say what got me hooked on hockey. A couple of my girlfriends followed the Pens in high school; it might have been peer pressure. It could have been Mike Lange - I always listened to 105.9 and got upset when the games were on because I wanted music, not talking, to do my homework by, but then I started listening to Mike and got curious about what some of the things he was talking about were. It might have been that my dad and I bonded over a hockey game when somebody from work gave him tickets. Or it could have started earlier than that. Who knows? Whatever the case, I love my Pens.

Anyway, love the blog, bitches.

MouthGuard said...

Dayum. So like does this mean I am verboten from calling Kane out on the fact that his nipples are rubbery and look like fuzz pedal toggle-switches? ;) Kinda like Fat Bastard's? If he was my flava, I can assure the whole world that seeing those nasty old man nips would pretty much kill any semblance of arousal tout de suite. Good lord. He needs to put a shirt on. Who does he think he is, Keith Richards? Can hardly wait to heckle him about it at the Sharks game tomorrow night! ;)

Re: Offensive Play v. Defensive Play. Offense and defense become one and the same when you politely sit on somebody's face and fart. Ya gotta do whatcha gotta do, and ya gotta do it better than everybody.

My reasons for living: 1) laughing at myself; 2) cracking myself up; 3) laughing at other people; 4) laughing at other people laughing at themselves and/or embarrassing themselves publicly; and 5) eating donuts. This site seemlessly satisfies all 5 of my raisons d'etre, merci, and manages to educate and titillate, too. Muchas gracias, 'hos! Well done! As Stevie Wonder used to sing, "Don't you worry 'bout a thaang-a-a-aang-a-a-aang-a-a-aang-a-a-aaaaaaang-aaaaaaang!"

MyDearestObsession said...

Going back to what I was saying about the Pens being classy - you would never see somebody from the Flyers or (especially not) Ovechkin. That's just the difference between players and athletes. And that's why Sid and Ovie can never be compared to one another.

And I do enjoy some eye candy every now and then, the same as any other girl.

MouthGuard said...

I must apologize to you all for my inexcusable Freudian-slip in my last post. I went commando and said "titillate" when I subconsciously had nasty nipples on my mind. The horror! Guilty as charged! I'm still recovering from a severe concussion so that'll be my excuse - this time!

I'm a little slow but I also realized a lot of you guys are talking about hockey players missing their teeth and how this might not be sexy, etc. Pogues frontman Shane MacGowan has a mouth that best resembles a Turkish graveyard: i.e., no teeth, decayed teeth, tooth stumps, etc. During a sequence in the Fairytale of New York documentary, an old woman reassures him "not to worry," about his teeth, because "they'll grow back."

So don't worry, chiquitas. Teeth grow back. Hockey players will have hot mouths before you know it.

As a comic, in all seriousness... @CrackerLilo and anybody who gives a crap about First Amendment issues in the United States (i.e., should be everybody!): I meant to pass along this link to one of the most reputable sources covering the Prop 8 trial. This guy knows his shit. This is the only way you can access real-time trial dirt because of the ban on videotaping. And that's all I am permitted to say about this subject because of the gag order. Mumble mumble mumble hum hum hum. I have to mumble and hum when I'm serious.

GREAT NEWS! I think I found the perfect gift for Danny Carsilly's quarter-century birthday. It's a book called "Liberace: Your Personal Fashion Consultant", and the product synopsis instructs us to "Never underestimate a man in hot pants." It incorporates 12 Liberace paper dolls, and tells you everything you need to know about the "fine art of extraordinary dressing for ordinary occasions." Like "Mediterranean cruises" and "car shopping." I might just have to keep it for myself!

More seriousness: I grew up with hockey groupies. Went to school with them. In fact, a particularly stupidly famous NHL player dated 3 of my classmates AT THE SAME TIME when they were all of 14 years old. VRAI VRAI VRAI! They're not "puck bunnies." Puhleeze - they're GROUPIES! Call them what they is! They know what they're doing and they're exactly where they wanna be. Many of them are quite clever and some of them have fabulous boobs and perky buttcheeks, as well. Nobody's dragging them into any hotel rooms. They know dick about hockey but that's not exactly their forte, anyway. They do what they do. We don't have to get it or approve of it. Personally, I think it's a boring and time-consuming pursuit. But that's just me. I prefer to have my food served tableside, if you know what I mean. ;)

MouthGuard said...

More apologies - fucking Twitter is twatted-out.

The Prop 8 trial url in question is http://twitter.com/fedcourtjunkie.

Again, this guy knows his shit. The trial is temporarily recessed to allow counsel to prepare for their closings.

Oh, and I just decided to keep the Liberace book. Carcilly can suck it. I hope he gets dentures for his birthday.

Yigit said...

Long time, first time. You guys crack my shit up on the daily, and I find my self checking this site in the mornings if I missed the game the night before, instead of NHL.com or ESPN or another sports website.

Also, about the awkwardness in hockey: it is a hilarious part of the game that the people who play it are actually quite normal (except for being freakishly athletic). You guys nail this with the "daily activities" articles.

All in all, keep it up! I look forward to playoff blogging...

CrackerLilo said...

Wow, what a busy thread! I thought about this a little bit today, actually, away from the computer. I thought of all the times I've shut some sexist creep up by correctly predicting when a tire's about to blow or a wreck's about to happen. Some minds can't change, but some can and will.

In the past couple of years especially, I've made a few guys say, "Wow, you really do know hockey." It occurs to me that you don't get taken seriously by jumping up and down demanding to be taken seriously. You get taken seriously by being serious...well, as serious as you should ever really get about a sport. Sometimes you have to roll your eyes at a jerk, turn to your friend, and keep going: "I knew the Pens had a decent PK, but I wasn't sure they could keep it going for six minutes!" Then sometimes the jerk realizes he was being jerky. It's a beautiful thing. Sometimes it happens when sports aren't being discussed at all, too.

@ Nat: If writing haikus about Crosby's ass is wrong, I don't wanna be right.

@ utterfrivolity: Nothing wrong with using some visual aids every now and again.

@ EHisCDN: Danica Patrick proves that a snug-fitting fireproof suit can get guys interested in a female athlete, too. Oh, well.

@ Jess: I think it's always sexy to see someone doing something they've worked very hard at, love wholeheartedly, and are amazing at. You can see it in their movements and the very special expression on their faces--people you wouldn't look at twice on the street become, like, magnetically beautiful on the rink, or on stage, or in the restaurant kitchen, or whatever that place they feel most at home is. I love it when guys on the Penguins get that look.

@ MouthGuard: Oh, we've been thinking about and following that particular trial almost obsessively, despite that ban. Thanks, though. Also, you went and grabbed the low-hanging comic fruit! I thought it might be too obvious to hope that someone gives Carcillo fake vampire fangs or plastic hick teeth for his birthday.

Oh, and everyone else has been sharing stories. I wrote ours up a month ago--L'Ailee getting into NASCAR, then me getting into hockey. I was also rather impressed by Crosby. The part about hockey starts halfway through, if anyone is interested.

I can't wait to see what comes from the second lesson about Puck Huffers' Fundamental Principles of Life. :-)

Pensational said...

I really miss Crash My Net Fridays, not necessarily because I need to think about how a particular Penguin can crash my net (and they all can), but because they were just so damn funny. Humour is seriously your guys' strength at this blog. Don't ever change.

And, I totally agree about the brilliance of The Hockey Junkies. It's like they somehow manage to find every hockey related tidbit out there on the Gore that I totally want to know about. Like, videos of the Senators talking about the Jonas brothers and Dion Phaneuf drunk and singing Billy Joel. How incredibly random, and brilliant. It's like the perfect balance between Puckhuffers (more badass) and HftL (borderline ridiculous).

Annie S said...

Awesome post and comments here. For me, first of all, I'm not ashamed about admitting which hockey dudes I like and for what reasons. I'm a heterosexual woman and am allowed to think these things. If some dickbag wants to question my fandom because I'm a woman, I don't give a shit because my fandom goes far, far beyond which player I'd bang or not.

You guys hit the nail on the head saying that loving hockey is loving a sport of awkward men. Awkward men are human. With a few exceptions, hockey players are the most down to earth, modest, selfless athletes that exist, whether they are superstars like Sidney Crosby or a no-name fourth-line guy on some AHL team. These guys sacrifice their bodies and their health in order to do what they love to do for a living. Look at Dupes - the cut above his eye was so bad the bone was exposed, but he only misses one game then is back sacrificing his body all over again. Hockey players play an emotional, dangerous, beautiful game. They play with an unspoken code of honor, and god help the bastard who breaks that code, because he'll have to answer to a team full of guys ready to stick up for their player to the ends of the earth.

It's a sport for men who exemplify some of the characteristics women admire most in men: loyalty, honor, strength, and bravery. The fact that most of these guys have smokin' hot bods is only a tiny factor in why true female hockey fans love hockey dudes, and the sport in general.

Geez, it's not like me to get all deep and shit, but I'm a teeny bit buzzed and emotional tonight.

Go Puck Huffers

Go Pens

Go Hockey

Love you all.

I Have Kasparaitis said...

I know I never comment here, but this was a great post.

IHK Stamp of Approval.

Question said...

I'm with Need Ice in Phoenix in the sense that it took one game to get me hooked forever. My awesome friend took me to see a Penguins game and it was a thrilling thing to watch in person. I never miss a game now unless it's on FDLFJOSDIFOEWU Versus. I watch it because I love the game.

The fact that I and a lot of you gals get hot and bothered over players or certain attributes of players (Nat: Crosby's ass is an awe inspiring thing that should be captured in bust form and put in the Louvre, but I find all of him pretty hot.)just lets them know we as fans find them good for more than just one thing. Players, lovers, humanitarians. They have many roles we'd like to help them fill ;)

 
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