Monday, January 25, 2010

can i have one with red and blue sprinkles?

The New York Rangers are that team in the division that we forget to care about.
The Isles are always entertaining, at least.
The Devils have Uncle Daddy rubbing frosting all over his body at every available opportunity.
The Flyers. . .duh.
And us, defending champs over here.
Ever since the Rags lost Jagr we just can't maintain a lot of interest.
Joe Beninati and the ridiculous lighting in Madison Square Garden really aren't helping.
So let's attempt to be interested over here.

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!?

ARENA MOST LIKELY TO BE MISTAKEN FOR A REVERED MAUSOLEUM
Early on, nothing is happening and the arena is dead quiet. The Rangers haven't scored a goal in two games and it shows. Not one person on the ice cares about the game, except possibly the Penguins.
We get a token Staal Brothers reference.
This is like a pee wee game going on in the backwoods of North Carolina or some shit.
Two people in the arena are interested and they're probably like, Brandon Dubinsky's parents.
Yawn. Hope something happens soo--
Cappy gives farm boy Chris Conner the cookies for the bake sale.
Lundqvist is possibly asleep.

1-0
Girardi did not get a single cookie.
That's what you get for arriving late.

The Rangers spend most of the first trying to sleep off a bad tequila hangover, but are woken up by a solid PK effort caused by Gaborik taking some penalty that Versus never showed us.
Pens don't get shit going.
Whatever.
We escape the first, all 5'7" of Chris Connor's dignity intact.

PERIOD THAT WE WILL GLADLY PUT OUT WITH THE TRASH
To come back for the second, refer to your rulebook.
Jordan is 21 and Mark is 23 and the boys are FUSSIN'.
Malkin proceeds to take a penalty and get a breakaway out of the box. But, well, yeah. Wasn't happening.
Rangers come back and manage to bury one. Ktang looked like he was pissed at being forced to defend someone one-on-one. He dives to the ice in desperation. But our lives are over.
We have to admit that this is the first time in our lives we've ever actually thought about Anisimov.
Marc Staal over there needs to take some Godzilla lessons from Eric. Seriously. What a disappointing performance.

The Rangers try to accuse us of a delay of game and Versus fails at clarifying the penalty situation for us before commercial, mostly because Joe Beninati is really smart.
Don't worry, there wasn't another penalty.
We spend the rest of the period sort of trying.
Fleury holds the fort.
1-1 end second has us hoarding our liquor.

MOMENTS SO WORTHLESS YOU COULDN'T BELIEVE SOME DOUCHEBAG BLED FOR IT
Staal sort of gets a guy in the face and he bleeds, and that's four minutes.
We kill it admirably, but then Matt Cooke gets angry and destroys some infidel.
Fleury relieves your fears and looks straight pimpin'. You're not worried.
But suddenly you are:
We at PH are not going to dispute the fact that this puck crossed the goal line.
But we still think Versus could have provided us with a motherfucking overhead angle so the people can see what is going on.
Just bad broadcasting. We're assuming Toronto saw one, or some super hi-def version of the other angle, otherwise it's inconclusive.
Put the fans on the same page. Keep them informed. For the good of the sport.
Stepping down from the soapbox. . .
2-1

PERFORMANCE THAT GAVE US LIFE
Immediately after the goal, Malkin charges down ice like a monster and draws a penalty.
And then he scores the goal.
We'd show you a picture, but the New York press is protesting its existence, especially after that monster PK the Rags managed in the first.
Just consider it 2-2.

MOST SWEDES KICKED OUT OF THE BAKE SALE FOR ROWDINESS
Shortly thereafter, Crosby shoots. Lundqvist's life explodes in a mess of crumbs and sadness.
The police are summoned to the bake sale to escort him out.
And Chris Conner has two.
OH MY GOD CHRIS DID YOU SEE THAT SHIT GO IN

I DID SIDNEY DID YOU REMEMBER TO BRING THE NO-BAKES THIS SHIT IS GETTING OUT OF CONTROL

3-2
The Rangers have basically given up at living.

IT WAS EITHER THAT OR THE HATTIE
The Rangers try pulling the Swede but Pascal's face has other plans.
Down to the empty cage.
And all the pastries went to bed that night, knowing that they were safe, and all was right in the world.

PENS WIN
4-2
STILL NOT INTERESTED IN THE RANGERS

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

MOST INVISIBLE













Wade Redden (above)

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1.


2. Sean Avery - for still gamely trying to come up with a solution to the fact that red hockey pants look like somebody shit inside them all the time

3.
Take an extra two for this picture, ladies.

The Pens do not play until Thursday.
We have an ongoing feature that we're planning to do either this week, or during the long hockeyless week that is coming up right before Olympic break.
It will be really fun, aside from the choking and crying.

Worst division rivalry ever though right now.
GO PENS.

19 comments:

Megs said...

Great to know that the guys killed it tonight. I hope Lilo has fun making fun of her co-workers.

Okay Anthony Bourdain is back on, so this is a short message. I hope everyone have a wonderful evening.

Go Pens!

ps- Bourdain is in Brittany France and I keep on thinking about all of our french canadian players eating crepes. Yes please!?

Gigi said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Gigi said...

@Megs: I love Anthony Bourdain. I would love to watch a game with him.

Couldn't watch (DirectTV funkdatshizznit), highlights are funner with Larry Murphy on the NHLN anyway.

I have one question: WHY THE HELL IS MSG SO INSANELY DARK?!

Final note: Has anyone seen those Shop.Nhl.com ads for Olympics jerseys with Crosby and Malkin? (There could be others, but I've only seen those two). They're pretty fierce, but not the Stamkos Smize type of fierce.

ANovak017 said...

great to see flower back!!! thursday is soo far away..


more everyday tasks!!! por favor

Annie S said...

Lundqvist's life explodes in a mess of crumbs and sadness.

YES THIS EXACTLY. I lol'd when they showed him looking to the heavens, asking why this must be.

I have a cold and am on lots of sketchy cold meds, so all I can say right now is:

1. Love the Pens

2. Love Puck Huffers

The end.

TP said...

I thought I had a brain tumor but then I realized it was just the lighting in MSG.

Based on my experience last season, the lights don't seem as bad in person. Maybe that's because I was too distracted by the asshole in the Lundqvist jersey who was throwing peanuts at me the whole game. Stay classy New York.

Allison's Mouth Full of Tang said...

would it be wrong to admit that i thihnk of anisimov whenever i think of the rangers? or wronger yet that i was releaved that it was him that scored, and that lisin assisted. only thing that could have made that first goal better was if christiansen had had the other assist.

but for real, what a great fuckign game.

and, msn is so goddamn dark. being in the crowd, its like sitting in a really loud dark closet

Juls said...

I HATE VERSUS but especially Beninati.

That is all.

Nat said...

1. No mention of our President being absolutely absurd last night? That line is ridiculous.

2. "OH MY GOD CHRIS DID YOU SEE THAT SHIT GO IN" - The thing is, I'm pretty sure that was a verbatim quote straight from Sid's mouth. I can hear it in my head. Anyone else?

3. Stellar recap. Versus makes me want to stick my fingers in my eyeballs and roll them around. Thank Curry for Mike Lange.

4. PH makes my life better.

debrisslide said...

@Nat - TK had a Shift of Life somewhere in there. It's in my game notes but it didn't make the final cut because I was having trouble remembering what period it was in. I might get sent away for treason, in which case, you now know the truth. . .

CrackerLilo said...

Awesome recap as always. Thank you. I still can't believe the Pens killed six minutes of penalties put all together.

@ Megs: I have already been told not to say a word three times. Still smiling big and hip-switching, though. I love Chris Conner today, and I was kinda predisposed to dislike him simply on the grounds that he wasn't Guerin.

@ TP: Rangers fans can be pretty easy to hate.

@ Nat: I have no doubt Crosby said exactly that, or something very close!

Nat said...

@debrisslide - It was the first. No harm done. Just thought I'd mention it. El Prez will not send you away to be tarred and feathered in the village square :)

Am craving baked goods now.

Need Ice In Phoenix said...

@Nat
I noticed TK and remembered that one of his nicknames is TURBO! I can't believe he didn't score 6 goals last night. Curry help the poor team we're playing against when he finally GOES OFF!!!

I think Sid gets more excited over his teammates goals than his own . . . except when he scores against the Flyers or Caps. That was one Happy Cappy out there. Lolz!

That picture of Flower making the save. Rock Star pimp!

Finally . . . the lights in MSG are dim because it's just wrong to highlight FAILURE.

MouthGuard said...

@Megs: Bourdain is one of my boyfriends but I'll let you be the bologna this time. ;) What did you think of his nonstop whining about his fricking shellfish tower, already? I swear he's grown crankier - if that's possible! - since he quit his cancer sticks. He's such a stud! A while back he skated with some derby chicks (punked by his producer) and also tried his hand at hockey; he admittedly sucked at both but he rocked the studly roller/ice skates. You bitches need to check out his show if you haven't already become a fan. Out of respect for his local dining hosts, he has consumed turd-filled warthog bowel in Africa and has eaten raw seal meat with an Alaska native family on their kitchen floor. The man kicks asscheeks.

Thankfully Bourdain distracted me from not being able to see the game/The John Tortorella Show. Doesn't sound like I missed all that much this time!

@CrackerLilo: Thank you for recommending straight vodka out of the water bottle. I didn't slam the bottle when I was finished, but I blew into it with my straw to create a kind of vodka spit bubble effect. :)

Caroline said...

The Versus announcers had no clue what was going on. At the beginning of the third, they informed everyone that Lundqvist has a better than 93% save percentage in the third period. Did someone not tell them it was measured in a thousand?

Anyways, great game, love that Chris Connor got 2.

Go pens!

bluzdude said...

Beninati is the worst announcer ever and has the sonic appeal of a dentist's drill.

And the fact that he is the Caps home announcer means that you know he can't stand the Pens for crushing their dreams every year.

Anything But Delicate said...

I was at this game! Pretty healthy Pens turnout. I like how Rangers fans feel it's fair game to defile the national anthem to yell obscenities at the Pens and "Crosby sucks". The Canadians, Russians, Swedes, etc on the ice must think Americans are so... sophisticated.

EHisCDN said...

Versus sucks. It was the first time I have ever seen a game broad casted by them (I usually just have to deal with Pierre McGuire). I was so pissed off at how pro-NY the game was...

When I turned on the game halfway through the first (after getting home from work), I was like what is wrong with the lighting, why is it so dark is this 1977? Then I remember it was MSG.

@Anything but Delicate
Americans are the epitome of sophistication ;P

Megs said...

@Gigi - I too love him, and yes it would be awesome to watch a game with the man, but I fear he's a NJ Devils fan since he did grow up in Northern Jersey lol. I would kill for him to do a show on Pittsburgh!

@CrackerLilo - That's funny that you've been told three times. I too would have a huge smile. I dig Chris. He is good at what he does. I still hope Mr. Guerin gets well soon though.

@MouthGuard - Oh really? Last time I checked, I was pretty sure he was my man lol. But I know what you mean :) When I was reading his one book Kitchen Confidential, I joked with friends that I was going to bed with him because I read before going to sleep!

I saw the episode where he tried hockey in Montreal! Hilarious moment. He got his ass kicked. But I didn't see the episode where he did roller derby stuff though. I must catch that!

As for last night's episode, I thought his constant complaining for a shellfish tower was great. I think he was doing it to get back at his producers for making him do some really silly stuff in the past.

 
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Puck Huffers by Kimberly Davidson and Zoƫ Hayden is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.