Sunday, January 24, 2010

a bottle of scotch, a dimesack and a diamond watch.

Things don't get better than starting the day beating down the city of Philadelphia.
Can you really go up from there?
If you can, please go for it, but you might explode from pleasure, so stand clear of us so we don't get entrails in our eyes.
We've got some blogging to do.

The beginning of the game was a little bit scary.
Over passing, being too cute, thinking too hard.
By the time the second period rolled around, something clicked. Everything fell into place, the bounces just weren't going our way for whatever reason. We blame NBC.
Despite our numerous valiant efforts to score being denied, we finally pulled shit together to come out with a win in the end, because lord knows we can never win a game with anything other than a blowout performance or a come-back drama.
It's like every second intermission report the Popular Girls catch boys, take their glasses off, let down their hair, and put some lipstick on them, transforming them from the nerdy girls to the prom queens, and then they proceed to go win the captain of the football team's heart.
It's touching, really.
And we don't mean in the Pierre-in-the-Flyer's-locker-room way.

Anyway, we have some awards to give out.

OUR BIGGEST REGRET
I am still rolling around in bed when Zoe starts texting me things like CARC MIC'D UP THIS COULD BE SO BAD and CHRIS PRONGER WITH PIERRE. SO MUCH DOUCHE. WHERE ARE YOU?
I mumble some death threats to the air and stumble over to turn on my television, having forgotten that I would be dining with NBC for brunch this afternoon.
Pierre's face immediately fills my screen.
He's already sucking Flyers cock. five minutes in he is critiquing "Everyone's favorite Penguin" for slashing Riemsdyk, putting the Flyers on the PP. We sense the bacony taste of sarcasm.
Jeff Carter strokes Pierre's Flyers love as tenderly as he does Mrs. Hartnell.
We watch this goal happen and there is only one thing we can think.
Remember this past summer when PH staff was inducing hockey love in the Great American South by force? Remember those breaking news stories about Pierre getting punched in the face by someone, somewhere?
We do, despite the overwhelming presence of the tale of P.Kane attacking someone for 1/8625000 of his yearly paycheck.
That person, if they could please step forward, earns our love and respect, but also a little bit of a slap on the wrist. They took away one of our most precious life goals; to be the first to hit Pierre in the face.
We'll never get that back.

BEST HOCKEY PORN
Something is happening on the ice that we can't quite discern. We only catch glimpses of flesh and hockey sticks, flying hair and lots of men.
We just assume it's an orgy.
Ice quality decreases more rapidly than the state of MaxTal's bedroom after a Sunday evening scotch party.
Hartnell is sent to the box for taking more than his fair share in the sexual festivities, particularly with Mister Brent.
Philly fans don't agree.

BOOOO WE DON'T KNOW THE RULES OF HOCKEY BOOOOOO
Luckily for the Flyers thew Pens road pp is like, 32nd in the league or some shit.

BEST PHOTO, LIKE, EVER
Some over-achieving intern in the press caught this lovely little number:
What composition, what style, what a truly "Crosby Sucks" moment.
As we here at PH know, interns are really the only people who can do anything right.

WORLD'S BEST DAD
Richards throws a puck over #1 and we are all like ASDKL;FASLDKJHFADSKLJ.
Luckily the Flyers, like their fans, don't understand the rules of hockey.
Goal gone, Pens on the PP, all is right in the world.
After five thousand chances to prove ourselves, give or take 4,997, someone on the Penguins finally forgets everything Mikey Y ever told them and sinks it.
We weren't surprised it was Daddy Gonch, because who else is going to Pull Over This Van And Show You What's What when things get bad?
The puck goes through the legs of eighty two Flyers before sailing into the goal.


THE BOY LEAST LIKELY TO DO WHAT HE DID
Soon after, Powe tries to murder Gogo, is in turn murdered by...wait...what?
Letang?

What a good boy.
We go into the second clutching the tie. Let's get pretty, girls, it's almost prom night.

THE ALL MAN ALL THE TIME AWARD
Brooks Orpik can't be stopped in this game. 8 hits, 100% man.
PUTTING FEAR INTO THE HEARTS OF MEN.
The second period is a cocktease.
Whatever.

THE TIME EVERYONE DIED
The third period is also like a Sunday evening scotch party at MaxTal's place, only a few hours after the state of things has declined beyond recognition.

THE WORST NIGHTMARE FOLLOWED BY THE BEST WET DREAMCrosby throws the puck off of the Flyers post so hard that it isn't him that's going to hear that noise in his sleep, it's the net.
We're all busy screaming in agony while Mattie Cooke mans it up and assists a Daddy slapper into the net. This is why he's an NHL player and we're just bloggers.
Well, that, athletic skillz, and being a man, too.
Being girlies that play primarily girly sports in girly ways, there are slightly more than a handful of things that separate us from Mattie Cooke.
Speaking of, we're taking bets on the over/under of how many emails we get letting us know that there aren't 32 teams in the league.
BUT DON'T YOU EVER DOUBT HOCKEY IS OUR SHIT OR WE WILL PUT BRICKS THROUGH YOUR LIVING ROOM WINDOW, MMMKAY?

And with that, it's a game.
PENS 2, FLYERS 1
PENS WIN

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

MOST LOVED
Mr. Powe, you are deep in the hearts of many.

BEST LEAPFROG
Richards you best check yourself or Craigsy will see to it you never take place in hockey porn again.

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1)Brooks Orpik- Pimp.
2) The Intern- For the constant epic commentary about Carc's molestache, Pierre's back-of-head five o'clock shadow, and the h1n1-style contagiousness of mullets. She'll be recapping a game later this week if you were starting to miss her. What a human.
3)Flyers Fans- Hahahaha, you are balls.

Winning games is the shit.
Winning games against the Flyers is even better, although it is sort of getting to the point that we'd trade two Flyers wins for a Caps win. There really isn't a question anymore that we're better than the Flyers. What are we trying to prove?
What we DO need to show the doubters is that we can school the Caps with equal ease.
We have to wait until February 7th to get back to that issue.
In our down time, we'll practice on some other, less important individuals.

Rags tomorrow.
Let's get it done, boys.
Go Pens.

16 comments:

CrackerLilo said...

Caption for the "leapfrog" picture: "Pierre McGuire's worst nightmare." But don't worry, I'm sure McGuire's been slapped, even punched, in the face by a lot of people before you ever thought of it, and there will be many more to come. I say go for it anyway if you get the chance.

I loved seeing Letang stand up for Goligoski with such style, and loved how the Flyers' legs formed, like, an arch for Gonchar's shot. Hell, I just loved coming home to a win over the Flyers in their house!

Rangers are important both to me and to my Pens-loving 9-year-old "niece." Should the Pens lose to the Rangers, I will not hear the end of it at work, and she will not hear the end of it at school. Ain't skeered, though. And the NBC announcers made the Versus broadcast seem more bearale by comparison!

Ronald said...

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MyDearestObsession said...

unfortunately didn't get to watch much of the game; i was kidnapped and held hostage and forced to do arts and crafts. which wouldn't have been that bad on any other day, but...saw the dog pile near the end, though, and really wanted blood to be drawn. preferably scotty hartnell's. who may or may not be a bigger cum dumpster than ovechkin, i'm not sure. but anyway. awesome recap, as usual; i know i can always count on you guys. man cards to tanger for kicking major ass today. and to cooke and gonch for beautiful goals. and possibly to the whole pens' PP for finally doing something. not sure. will have to watch some replays.

Annie S said...

This game was just bizarre from back to front. Dragging myself out of bed at 12:30, watching with the volume down while enjoying my morning coffee, and half paying attention to conversations between my roomies about American vs Bangladeshi driving rules just made the experience like no other game yet, I think. That's not to say I didn't enjoy it. I didn't have to listen to Pierre or Edzo or Milbury much, the Pens won against a hated team of scum, and my roomie didn't die during her first driving lesson! All in all, I'd say it was a good start to the day.

Random notes: Tanger can be one angry mothafucka when he wants to be. I think that bite from Hartnell might have awoken a deeper hatred for the Flyers than what he had before. Also, Brooks is more man than Gary Roberts. Yeah, I went there.

Oh, and Crosby Sucks.

TP said...

"Jeff Carter strokes Pierre's Flyers love as tenderly as he does Mrs. Hartnell." = Pure awesome.

Allison's Mouth Full of Tang said...

i love when letang gets physical... err... i mean, you know, sticks up for a teammate

ANovak017 said...

@mouthfulloftang hahahaha who doesn't love that? i mean err..it's always nice to see Kris be a man.

Ashferddd said...

I had this shit on mute. I'm glad I did. Pierre jobbing Jordy doesn't sit well with me. And Kris Letang. ..holy crap. I know Allison is gone. And so am I. What a thing of beauty that man is.

Crosby sucks. Third star of the week. SSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHH says Maxy.

Need Ice In Phoenix said...

First of all . . . CROSBY SUCKS!!! Our sweet little third star of the week. Honey Bunny!

Does anyone know if Tanger has been rooming with Orps on the road this year? The look on his face has gone from that cute little "Hey, where's my bong?" look to a lighter version of Brooksie's "I'm going to END you." look. I'll be watching Tanger's next FSN interview to see if he has stopped blinking his eyes yet.

I think the Flyers team finally out-douched their fans during this game. I didn't think that was possible but they did it. I wish I could come up with a better, nastier word than "juvenile" but that seems to fit the way they played yesterday. It's like they wanted attention REALLY BAD but they knew they weren't going to get it by playing well . . . so they just shit all over the ice!

Megs said...

Genius recap. It's nice to know that I wasn't the only one a bit grossed out by Pierre yesterday.

I'm happy we won. It was nice to see Gonch and Cookie get some, especially since they were both PP goals (if I'm wrong, then obviously I had too much oatmeal yesterday).

But the highlight for me was Letang. I jumped up from the couch and started cheering for him. I wonder if he's been hanging out with Eric Godard lately. Think about it, his hair is starting to look awesome again and his play is getting a bit more aggressive. Not to mention, I bet Eric looked at Kris' music collection and said "Enough of the Metallica, you need to listen to some hardcore."

News flash for everyone...

Talbot is back! Yessss.

MAF is back too! Oh hell yeah.

But Guerin and Gogo are out. *womp womp*

I'm not scared at all. I just wish I could watch the game. I'm under the weather which means no going out to watch hockey for me.

@Lilo - I hope the guys do it tonight. Not just for the W, but also so you can brag at work and your niece can brag at school. Also, I wanted to let you know that my dad is home. He came home Thursday night from University of Maryland hospital. He'll need knee surgery because of a cyst (that's been causing all the leg swelling), but if that's all it takes, it's so worth it. I even told him that if he hurries up and heals that we'll go to a game.

MyDearestObsession said...

everyone hear about how asham's complaining that cooke bit him? hmm, doesn't this scenario sound familiar...

http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/10025/1030884-61.stm

MouthGuard said...

NBC continues to astonish, not only with their continued cluelessness re: hockey and anything to do with hockey (read: McGuire & Crew) but they have reached craptacular new broadcasting lows with their pondscum maneuvering throughout this whole Conan-Leno debacle. Sigh. Between FARTSUS and NBC, you would think the NHell is well, hellbent on sabotaging hockey broadcasting in this country. So shameful. We deserve better! And right now, NBC is dreaming up new and improved ways to ruin the Olympics, as well. NOT cool!

But how come nobody seems to care that this coming Thursday, our dearest Danny (Murderface) Carsilly turns half a century old??? Geez, eh! This is fucking huge! Here's some vid from last year's Flyers birthday bash, featuring Scott (Dr. Rockso) Hartnell presenting Danny C with a very special "birthday balloon"... What do you suppose they'll come up with this year? Perhaps the hatchet should be buried and we should pool our resources to purchase something extra special for birthday boy! We could go with new teeth, but that would be way too obvious. I'm thinking maybe a gaper or some Ben Wah balls from the Seymore Butts catalog. Nothing too spendy, but hey - you only turn 25 once, right?

I can't believe FARTSUS is depriving me of enjoying my latest episode of the John Tortorella Show. SO bummed. I live for his post-game bitching about not ever getting a worthy crane shot. Hey CrackerLilo: Any suggestions on how I can drown my sorrow in a Tortorella-themed cocktail best enjoyed with a straw?

CrackerLilo said...

@ Need Ice: Someone's toughened Letang up a little, that's for sure.

@ Megs: From what I saw, if it weren't for PP goals, there would have been no goals at all. I teared up a little when I found out Guerin wasn't going to be in this game.

Thanks for understanding--there are some executives in my office who can be quite obnoxious and hold Rangers season tickets, so it's kinda fun to hip-switch into the break room and sweetly ask, "How did y'all like the game last night?" The girl's not really my niece, but she's a close friend's daughter, treats me like an aunt and actually called me "Aunt" when she was younger. Among other things, we bond over our shared Pens fandom.

I hope you and your father both get better very soon.

@ MouthGuard: The only scripted shows I really like--Heroes and the Office--are on NBC, too. *sighs* I'm not thrilled that they got the Olympics or the next two weekend Penguins games, believe me.

I'm a bit tired and uninspired right now, but for a cocktail tonight, how about vodka on the rocks, in a water bottle? Then you throw the water bottle when you're done.

Let's go Pens!!!

Megs said...

@Dearest - So that's what Cookie is being accused of. WTF. I don't see him biting at all.

@Lilo - Thanks! I'm feeling much better now. Silly cold. My dad has an appointment on Wednesday with this orthopedic surgeon who is the team surgeon for all of my school's athletic teams. I also found out that he used to be the physician for the Steelers. I figure my dad is in pretty damn good hands.

I hear you about wanting to politely talk trash with co-workers. I'm like that with my friends and classmates who are Caps fans. Lucky for me, nobody bothered me on Friday with text messages or anything on facebook about Thursday night's game. As for your niece, I knew what you meant :) I am very blessed to have a few really cool aunts who aren't actually blood relatives.
If you ever hear me talk about Provincetown, Mass. it's because my Auntie Anne lives up there. She used to live in Pittsburgh when I was a little kid and she's my mom's best friend from high school and college. Last time I visited back in June of '08, she was surprised to find out that I'm so into hockey. I'm pretty sure she was the person who gave me a Pens toboggan when I was a little kid.

MyDearestObsession said...

@Megs: I read that article and filed it under "Reason #882 Why I Hate the Flyers". What a whiner and a douchebag. Asham might have just found his way onto my "Most Loathed Opponents" list. Not quite as bad as Ovie, Hartnell, and Hossa, but he's up there.

Need Ice In Phoenix said...

@Megs
Glad to hear your dad is home. That's the best news of all!

Great game tonight! Pens really gave NY the stink-eye. Except for the foul smell, I didn't even notice Avery.

Chris Conner has got to be back in the dressing room kissing DannyBs ring right now. I'll bet Conner didn't get out of bed this morning thinking he would be enjoying custom-made passes from Sidney Crosby all night.

Happy Birthday and Merry Christmas Chris! Nice job!

 
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Puck Huffers by Kimberly Davidson and Zoƫ Hayden is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.