Thursday, January 28, 2010

300



A salute to the fallen.

Hearing about Godard's injured groin grieves me. Certain Pens parts should never, ever be injured. Crosby's gluteus maximus, MAF's central vermillion tubercle (pointy upper lip), and Dupuis's supercilium (you can guess that one) all come to mind. 4-6 weeks is a loooong time.


May high fives heal you, Eric. We need you back soon.

To end the injury curse, Pens have been upping their karma like, whoah.

Sid met with a veteran who brought his 87 jersey and Stanley Cup Championship banner to Afghanistan. The Taliban are biiiig Ovie fans though, so after shooting up his Pens gear, they also left our vet, Justin, with a metal plate instead of bone and nerve damage in his elbow. Dicks.

Notes on this photo: Matty Cooke wants that jersey sooo bad. And Sid has been downing cans of spinach at a rate that would alarm Popeye.


Pens love their vets so much that Mario allowed Justin to touch him. Jealoussss.


Next up, the OG of saintliness hosted 11 year old Hodgkin’s survivor Michael at the Mellon for a skate. He's from Ottawa, but we'll overlook it because Mario did and the kid says he's a serious Pengins fan. They did some drills together and Michael summed up Lemieux's play with, “He is really good and still has a good shot.” Yes, Michael. You're not in Ottawa anymore.



So, Sens. Lets review that Malk's fourth career hat trick was on Dec 23rd v the Sens. That was a night that his parents were whooping it up and Vladislav Tretiak was in the building, but nevermind that. Game was 8-2.
So fucking ready.

Puck drops and MAF saves. They're comin' out swinging.

Make Me A Milkshake Malkin



Feds to Nick Johnson, who does magical things and passes to Malks. Geno shoots just over the glove of Elliot. Woooooooo! 300 NHL points for Fedotenko.

1-0

Bourque starts dissecting Mike Fisher's engagement to some chick from American Idol. 15 goals before engagement, 2 goals after. Lange suggests leaving that analysis to Dr Phil. His pop references are a little stale. Fisher hears this banter and grabs his Louisvile slugger and heads for the parking lot, but then doubles back and decides to score.


That's the face of a man who is about to become a professional purse holder.

1-1

Cooke goes to the box and the Sens fire a semi-automatic at MAF. Man makes 3 saves on the PK. Like a minute later Ruutu's all up in his business and Kelly gets a rebound.



1-2

Second starts with Kovie in the box. He's sprung and Tanger sends him right back in so Kim can continue to have her way with him. Kris is like your bff who knows what you want even when you don't. What a human.


At first, I thought that this photo was Chris Neil trying to make a hit on Gonch. After a lengthy review, I realized that this was a depiction of my Saturday night during high school:

Here, you see Sergei (me) trying to duck down and sneak past the truly frightening man in the face paint (Dad). Neil (my brother) wasn't as prepared and totally didn't see him standing guard so he has to hit the deck. Thank god the Batman/Pens fan who failed art class is totally asleep after his 8th beer (again, Dad). The yellow bro is my shoulder angel who is appalled that I might be sneaking out for nefarious purposes. The jersey bro is my shoulder devil who is going to double high five me after I make it out the window and through the bushes without tearing my totally hot dress.


No, Milan. You may not have a goal. You are not even my favorite Michalek.

Letang is denied, denied and then puts the puck past Elliot right after the buzzer. Sens are pissed. Whatever.

Third starts and Neil goes all psycho on Eaton and murders him. No photos due to graphic violence. MaxTal and McKee both try to make Neil pay with a beating, but he is a pansy and refuses to drop the gloves.


1-3

Spezza puts one over Fleury's arm.

Brooks is piiiiiissssed. He starts swinging his stick like a tire iron. To calm your hyperventilation, observe:

Smooth at all times.

McKee has been diving to the ground more times in this game.... pucks cower from his beastliness.

Refs decide to ignore all penalties in this period. MAF is pulled and Foligno puts it in the empty net.

1-4

Alternative Three Stars:

3. Johnson - Handled Potash with a wink and a smile. And that hair....



2. Sarge - For being on the ice for the entire game and for being appropriately disgusted by Fishers' camera ready man-prettiness.



1. JStaal - Youngest NHL player to 300 career games.

Beast.

All is not lost.
Wings Sunday.
Go Pens.

10 comments:

TP said...

Wow. Amazing recap, Ann.

"The Taliban are biiiig Ovie fans though" and "That's the face of a man who is about to become a professional purse holder" made me spit on my keyboard.

katepghfan said...

Ann - my favorite was the analogy to your Saturday Night in HS

rofl

pain of a game to watch - the Sens played well - have to give them credit

Let's go, Pens!!

ANovak017 said...

Intern Ann..you are in playoff form.. wanted to let you bitches know that all is definitely not lost because our Hero, Rob Scuderi was BEAST tonight. I'll send pictures if I get around to it. It made me very happy to see him play again, even if it wasn't in a Pens jersey. =(

Kind of glad I missed this game, sounded just like a big case of frustration. Sunday is all that matters.

MarieMacCee said...

Intern Ann is making the playoffs

Your interpretive study of that pic as your youthful exuberance was brilliant, because I too did the duck and run while holding my heels in one hand and the bottle of vodka I snuck out in the other.

Destroy Detroit! Go pens

Intern Ann said...

Thank you, huffers! I spent the holiday rehabbing my existence and now I plan on dominating games like Malks when his mom is in the crowd. Woooo

Need Ice In Phoenix said...

@Intern Ok, ok, ok . . . .

First there was the picture of Crosby in his underwear (sob!), then there is the picture that reminds you of Saturday nights in high school (LOLz), then the picture of Orps (many panties dropped), and finally a picture of Baby-Jordie (I need to hold a puppy.)

So many emotions in a single post!!! WTF!!!!

(Thunderous golf claps.)

EHisCDN said...

Well the Pens may have lost but the Hawks beat the Sharks so that makes the night a little bit more bearable.

The pens are such stand-up guys (I agree with what you said about Sid eating his spinach though ;p)

Here's to playing the Wings on sun. GO PENS!

CrackerLilo said...

What a sucky, sucky game last night. But what a great writeup, Intern Ann! I loved the bit about the Taliban being Ovie fans! Thanks also for explaining what that picture of Gonchar and Chris Neil was really about. I just told my mom I was going to one of my church's youth functions when I was a teenager. And I would...for two minutes.

Pens better beat the Wings. I just pride-bet with Beloved's best friend. If the Pens win, he has to spend all Monday with Penguins stuff in his cab. If *shudder* the Wings win, I have to turn the cocktail blog red and white for Monday and post the recipe for the "Detroit Red Wing."

MouthGuard said...

Brilliant Taliban/Ovie reference, Intern! Ovie & Crew are utterly convinced 37 naked virgins (47? 57?) are awaiting them in Dadouchistan, anyway, strumming balalaikas in hot-tubs atop triple-decker Hummers. So it's like you hit that one bullseye woman. Deedle-deedle-doo!

Ick I'm glad I missed the Pens lose to (N)Ottawa. Maybe it's time for the Pens to pull a KaneGrillz and ditch their mouthguards in favor of Grillz Candy. Laugh, but it's obviously working for the Blackhawks. Given who I am, I obviously DO NOT approve of this although I admit I have tried all varieties and they're quite delicious. Grillz Candy is bad for your teeth, bad for your gums and will besmirch your reputation but hey - ya gotta admit there's something fly about wearing watermelon-flavored zircon-encrusted oral flair. Bettman better pray to 37 naked virgins that I never run the NHL. Things would be very "different" from how they are now. Oh yes!

So the Hawks made my year thus far and turned the Sharks into a big fat tuna sandwich last night. I got to wave my "IS IT JUST ME, OR DOES IT SMELL LIKE FISH IN HERE?" sign with pride, especially after Heatley/Turdburgler was pancaked into the boards on multiple occasions. Serves ya right, bolognaface! Now go run me those TPS reports I asked for! Fricking awesome! Two very well matched teams, but one team's a LOT hungrier. Would be beyond epic to see the Pens meet the Hawks in the Finals this year...

Re: Crosby or Popeye. Has he been moonlighting for Fog City Wrestling, I wonder, where we are beckoned to "watch a luchador slam a Tom Cruise impersonator into the floor"? :)

@CrackerLilo: If the Wings win on Sunday, be sure to specify using "Detoilet" instead of a shaker when mixing up said embibement. ;)

em.ily said...

pretty sure that pic of Brooks isn't going to do anything to calm our hyperventilation. more like exacerbate it...

 
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