Thursday, December 31, 2009

Happy New Year, bitches. Live from Oakland. We love you forever. PH 2010 will own your soul.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Sorry about the lack of recap right now, PH is having technical difficulties. Not that there's much to say anyway. Brodeur can eat a dick. And a ham.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

like you're stuck in velvet snow




This isn't Brooks's first rodeo, he totally knew about this shiz months ago.

Last night, the team bus got stuck in the snow in Buffalo three blocks from the hotel. Danny B wasn't gonna have any of that, so he got out and pushed, as did everyone but the players. Sir Bill: "It was the coaches, the PR guys, the website guys... the real strength of our team."



Amazing.

So, Eaton's back from his mini-break and Rupp has been moved to Malk's line. Everyone's excited about Team Canada's roster announcement tomorrow. Sid's acting like he doesn't know that he made the team and MAF says he might not sleep tonight. Precious.

We beat the Sabers last time, but we weren't up against this guy:

Smokin.

Puck drops and the announcers are chatting about Talbot's lack of goals. He's just too busy eating City of Champions Crunch to score. It's understandable. That cereal is delicious.

TK doesn’t like riding the bench, so he shows Coach by taking on the entire Buffalo team. He's weaving and chips it towards the net, where JStaal puts it in. Discussions of Kennedy's moustache commence, as do comments about Jordan's nose.

1- 0

Panic briefly sets in as Fleury gets wildly out of position and there appear to be 3-ish pucks on the ice. Shots are flying everywhere, and the puck drifts behind him, just wide of the post. Chaos. MAF survives.

Just before the period ends, Billy G decides to resuscitate me and shoots from the right boards. It goes under Miller's blocker arm and he doesn't even try to flinch. Somewhere, Brodeur waits for his Olympic call.

2-0

Second period starts and Errey has said "Bylsmagic" far too many times tonight.

Sid tears in with a three-on-three and Kunitz follows it up with a goal. Woooo! Press does not recognize Kuni as the man that he is, so I give you Sid.

3-0

Miller gets pulled for the first time this year. He chucks his gear down the hall and I'm surprised he hasn’t shanked someone with that icicle yet. Steigy doesn't remember seeing him at the morning skate, so maybe that hints at something. Patrick Lalime is back.

Suddenly, for the second time tonight, MAF is nowhere to be found. The puck is inching towards the line and McKee dives onto it. Buffalo's strategy quickly changes from get puck into net to get McKee into net and Gaustad prods Jay in a delicate area.

No goal.

Penalty shot time. Drew Stafford is hanging out at center ice forever while they review the situation. Probably thinking deep thoughts.

Yeah.

He goes five hole and scores. 3-1

Safford got benched last game, like TK, so he's on a mission to prove himself. This might be why he decides to break my heart and score on a rebound.

3-2

MaxTal has his second amazing chance of the night and his stick breaks just as he shoots the puck. The man is trying, hard. Third period starts and Gogo blocks a shot with his foot. He's hurting and limps off the ice. Apparently, McKee had kevlar covers made by a prosthetics company to protect his feet against breaks. What a man.



Brooks is frustrated, so he lifts and dumps Vanek onto MAF. Vanek lands elbow first, WWE style, on Fleury's chest and Flower takes a while to get up. Never good.

The Sabres appear to have been reduced to two players, but they're freaky good. Some combo of Stafford and Gaustad did something and they called it a goal. Whatever. 3-3

Adams goes for boarding and Pominville gets another past Fleury. FML. 3-4

Flower has been a jedi for the last 10 minutes and he is pulled with a minute and a half left.



Penalties, penalties and it's four-on-four. The last 25 seconds are a complete clusterfuck. The puck is chilling under the ref's feet, Kunitz goes Looney Tunes and morphs into the Tasmanian Devil. He's spinning men around like ballerinas and then to cap it all, Malk's stick breaks.

The game is best summarized by this:

Booo.

Alternative Three Stars:

3. This Guy - Probably missed all of Buffalo's goals, which is how the game should have been watched.


2. Kennedy - Don't call it a comeback.


1. McKee - Fancyboots took a stick to the junk to help MAF out.
What a human.


Devils tomorrow.
Go Pens.

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Dear Toronto-
In the good old days, normal seasons, we loved you. We watched Luke and Vesa with bright eyes and caught all the games we could on Penguins off nights.
Times have changed, though, Toronto. We've been tired and busy and rely solely on the Penguins to cheer us up. Not even the Jackets have earned much time in our busy schedules. How do you think you fit here, dear Toronto? You do not. You are a fond memory of days of old, when we had the time and energy to care about oh-so-many teams. How we spent our time so frivolously, finding ways to love the Kings and respect the Stars. We wanted it all. And Toronto, for a short time, we had you.
Tonight, when we finally get to see you like a lost lover separated from us by war, you step all over our fondest memories and laugh in our faces.
Why? Why would you mock us? Is it jealousy? We always loved the Penguins more than you, it was never any question and you knew that. Is it anger? What have we done to you, other than slack at maintaining our OMGWTFVESATOSKALA blog? It is clearly down quite far on our list of Important Things.
What happened to the good times, Toronto?
We miss you. But we are not happy with you and this display.
Please explain yourself.
Love,
PH Staff

THE EARLIEST BETRAYAL

We knew things had grown a little cold between us throughout the months. Our lack of mentioning or Canadian sides and fewer comparisons between him and Jared Boll (seriously though, they are soul brothers) must have been grating on Lukey because he takes the opportunity that Alexei Ponikarovsky gives him in front of the net to place the puck behind mister Fleury - who had no part in any of this relationship's failings and is just an innocent bystander - and claims a goal. What he loses is a bit of our respect. We thought he was more classy than to go the spite route against us.

MOST PROTECTIVE MALE FRIEND
Mattie Cooke hears tell that some old lover is giving us shit, and he immediately steps in. He sees Exelby trying to make a shot and ends that foolishness, and then he rallies the support of Rupp.
They head to Toronto's house.
Breaking and entering never looked so easy.
We whisper pleas for them not to hurt anyone, that they weren't like this before, to just maybe give them a little scare.
Rupp has never given anyone "just a little scare" in his life. He does not intend to start today.

MOST DESPERATE ATTEMPTS AT JEALOUSY
Ponikarovsky gets a little testy watching the action. We've never quite cared about him the way he felt we should, casting our love at more obvious members of the hockey club. Now that the breakup has gone south, he can show us what he thinks. He tosses the puck towards the net. No dice, but Stempniak picks it up from the crease. Once again, Ponikarovsky can't make us care. Boys, you can try to pretend that you feel safe in one another's arms, but we know you miss the sweet flesh of Penguins women.
You don't even LOOK convinced.

THE OLDER BROTHER AWARD
Cappycakes watches this assault on our souls take place for a little bit longer before feeling his brotherly instincts kick in.
"These girls give me names involving snack foods. I can't let this go on any longer. They know and appreciate my love for muffins. I will not let them down."
Daddy Gonch agrees and passes the puck along.
Sid meets Schenn; tells him what he thinks about this whole thing and asks him to forward the message along to Vesa.
"On second thought...I'll just tell him myself."


MOST APPRECIATED EFFORTS
Malks is everywhere trying to spread the message that it is not cool to harass us young things like this. It was there once, now it isn't, get over it. He spreads his message too far and too thin, though, and the point just doesn't really get across.
"Sorry man, what was that you were saying?"

BEST LAST DITCH EFFORT TO DEFEND OUR HONOR
Malks scrapes up his remaining will to defend us and combines it with Alex Gologski's. A fun fact is that Alex really isn't too upset about the whole debacle, remembering back to that 4 AM phone call he received on a night before a WBS playoff game from some certain ladies. But together they have enough to set Rupp up for the tip in.
[Press decided to break up with us here, momentarily. We got back together shortly thereafter, as we so often do.]
Alas, in the end, our history of being guttersluts caught up with us. The ex...the ex won.
Note the look in Brother Captain Sid's eyes.
He will avenge us.
We are counting on it.

PENS LOSE
4-3

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

MOST LIKELY TO GIVE US A SYMPATHY REBOUND THREESOME
(In our dreams)


ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1)
2)
3)

Never losing again.

P.S.- If you missed the emergency liveblog post, you didn't miss anything other than Allison documenting what messes we really are, and a photo of us making love to a bag of Tostitos Lime.
You're better off.


Go Pens.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Emergency Live Blog

THIS POST DELETED FOR AWFUL CONTENT OMG WIPE YOUR HARD DRIVES IF YOU SAW THAT.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

EVERYDAY TASKS WITH THE PENS

Before we move on to the insanity PH is about to get real with yunz for a second.
Being home for the holidays, seeing one another, and feeling loved is perhaps the most surreal and wonderful feeling in the world.
We (Kim, Zoë, and Allison) are fucking insane. (Intern Ann is basically a paragon of stability, at least compared to us.) We're sorry this season has been so absurd with us so far and that we don't update and that we make multiple references to our lives of sin and rolling around on the floor making unintelligible noises. But we're just trying to be honest.
This holiday season, we thank all of you for the past year-plus of PH goodness. We do this for you and we love you more than words can express.
We wish you the best of holidays.

Meanwhile. . .let's spend
CHRISTMAS EVE WITH BILLY GUERIN
For this Everyday Tasks documentary, instead of invading Billy G's home, we invited him over for an evening of last-minute Christmas preparation. PH Documentary Film Crew was on-hand to watch Mr. Guerin roll up in an epically huge custom SUV that we think might be made by Mercedes. He parks it on the lawn and hops out wearing a dashing gray sweater and wonderful dark-wash jeans. Before we can ask, he says, "Ha ha girls, no threesome tonight; I have to get home to the wife." We pretend like we weren't going to ask anything of the sort by laughing nervously. He then asks, in his most charming tone, "So, ladies, what are we going to do tonight?"
Bill Guerin is allowed to call us "girls" and "ladies" by the way. He means it with all due respect.

"Well, Mr. Guerin," we say, showing him in to the living room from the blustery December night, "we need to arrange the presents under the tree and then bake some cookies to leave out for Santa."

"Damn, girls," he says, "you need me to help you out with that?"

". . .Yes."

Billy G sits on the floor with us and we get out the magic markers and put appropriate To-From tags on all of the gifts in PH-land.

Afterwards, we retreat to the kitchen, where Kimberly is beginning preparations for two kinds of Christmas confections: rum-and-bourbon balls and Nanaimo bars.

FOR RUM-AND-BOURBON BALLS
Mix 2 cups vanilla wafer (or other cookie, such as shortbread) crumbs with about 1 and a half cups of chopped nuts (pecans, hazelnuts, or almonds are ideal).
Add 1/2 cup confectioners' sugar and 2 tablespoons each of cocoa powder and light corn syrup.
Then add the fun stuff: between 1/4 and 1/2 cups (depending on how much punch you want these babies to have) of your favorite rum or bourbon.
If you use rum, a dark variety works best.
Mix together thoroughly until you get a sufficiently sticky paste.
Roll into balls of whatever size you would like.
Depending on the size, makes 30-50.
Roll the finished balls in confectioners' sugar or cocoa powder, or perhaps a fine mix of both.
Store for at least a day or so (perhaps even up to a week!) to allow the flavors to mix together.
Then eat a lot of them.
A lot.

The Nanaimo bars are a bit more complex, but with Billy's help we are able to get the butter and chocolate to melt in the saucepan just right for the topping and get the final presentation together.


We place whatever rum balls we haven't eaten and the Nanaimo bars on a large plate and then pour Santa a big glass of milk to match.
Billy gives us this look:
and says:
"Are you really just leaving Santa milk?"
He immediately takes the milk back to the kitchen to put it in a Collins glass and pour a finger of brandy in.
Zoë and Kim attempt to add a feminine/homey touch to this concoction and sprinkle some nutmeg and powdered sugar on top.
"Santa better get here soon," Billy says, "because this shit is about to curdle."
The three of us exchange meaningful looks.
"Fuck. I don't want Santa drunk driving tonight," he says before downing the delicious beverage.


To end the evening, we put a fire in the fireplace and sit on the couch.
We all have nightcaps and cigars and toast to a beautiful Christmas.


This video is cute, though we're very sadface at the lack of Penguins-in-holiday-sweaters telling us happy holidays in front of a janky tree (a la last year):


And in case you missed this:

Ruslan = business
and Cupcake is all kinds of adorable
and Fleury wants a ping pong table. . .clearly Sid told him to ask for this
People like this is why we love hockey.

And Billy G?
You are welcome back any time.
Consider the seat in front of the roaring fireplace permanently reserved.

Merry Christmas to everyone from PH Staff.
Much love,
Kim, Zoë, Allison, and Ann

P.S. The Hockey Junkies know more about the world than we do and they found this video which is what we imagine life would be like if we hung out in the Sharks locker room with an enormous bong every Christmas.

P.P.S. Also, Team Russia!

Go Pens and Happy Holidays.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

sex for christmas

If the Sens were the bargain-basement Canadian hockey club that they were last year, this game is hard as hell for us and we probably lose it in overtime after pouring on the Hope and letting ourselves down. But no, the Sens are (barely) in playoff position and we just turned ourselves into a doormat for Fattie Brodeur and Captain Fetal Pig, so by Curry, we were going to work for this.
We shouldn't be surprised by this necessarily.
Comparing the Sens lineup to the largely intact Penguins championship lineup is kind of laughable. But if we know anything as the defending champions, it's that the name on the back of the jersey doesn't mean shit if you don't play to your potential.
We played well enough to win all-around.
The Sens also kind of sucked.
Combine the two, and you have an 8-2 hockey game.
Well, we'll take it, yes sir.

THE GOAL YOU PROBABLY WOULD HAVE TAKEN AS-IS
Within a few minutes the Pens have a PP and you're not really going to get up any hope.
The Sens have put an assload of bodies in front of the net so there's no way that Crosby is going to make that cross-crease pass to Malkin without it getting broke--
1-0 business
Sup power play, you be lookin' fine.
This is such a nice first date that we're not even going to demand you take your pants off, are we?

THE "WHAT THE FUCK USUALLY YOU SAVE THAT MANY SHOTS ALL GAME" AWARD
Meanwhile the Sens are busy trying to put up 24 shots on Fleury.
Staying alive, staying alive.
Oh, except for that one shot by Volchenkov.
It sucks but it feels whatevs.
23 saves in one period is a lot to ask of anybody, not that they were exactly quality shots, but okay.
Fleury is in a zone that is beyond the manliness of our usual whiskey innuendo.
His balls are enormous.

Craig Adams lands a clean shoulder check on Captain Alfredsson, who goes to the locker room before the second to get a jumpstart on his daily semen bath.
Malkin gets a second goal that is immediately taken away thanks to some ridiculous interference penalty.
Period winds down.
Shit could get difficult.

WHERE WHISKEY INNUENDO COUNTS
Early PP in the second.
We didn't get our hopes up. . .
But apparently Billy G did.
Goal. 2-1.

Of course things start getting nasty. But whatevs.

REASON #48902348 WHY JSTAAL IS A SERIOUS ASSET TO THE TEAM
Uncle Jordy starts some unreal play in the defensive zone, and takes MaxTal and Fedotenko all the way up-ice and sets up the play for Feds to bury it.
The Senators' coverage in the defensive zone is like, horrifying. Okay. 3-1.
No photos exist. Apparently the goal was too easy. But. . .I mean, we know it happened.

BTW FLEURY
you know what we mean.

THE NEXT GOAL THAT NOBODY EXPECTED
Guerin threw it at the net and Kunitz redirected it like a pro.
This is getting too easy. 4-1.
No photos exist of this one, either, but we'll get over it.

BEST PENALTY EVER
Donovan goes for the gold.
And before the PP can expire, Ottawa gives extraordinarily uncaring coverage again, and Guerin buries another. 5-1. Really?

THE "WE CLEARLY DO NOT PLAY DEVILS HOCKEY" AWARD
If you don't care about the game of hockey, your strategy for the rest of the game is to chip the out and bore the shit out of everyone in attendance.
But Malkin wants another goal and so Malkin and Kunitz go and get another goal.
6-1. Well, okay.
The third probably can't get much more exciting than that. . .

THE DIRTIEST PERIOD IN RECENT MEMORY
Rupp and Neil fight immediately to start the third.
Then Craigsy and Carkner fight, too. It's amazing.
Then Gonchar finally buries the one he deserved from the slot.
Everyone is pregnant.
It's 7-1.
About time to set Guerin up for that hattie, right?

Well, we'll keep trying.

Meanwhile, Malkin and Crosby get a two-on-none on Elliot and Crosby goes all Leadership on us and gives it to Malks on a platter for the hat trick.

blingee city by [AmyB]

8-1
Still not playing Devils hockey.
Eat your heart out Uncle Dad.
Oh wait Sens score again.
8-2

PENS STILL WIN
PUT THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT ALL NIGHT LONG

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

HAPPIEST BOYS ON THE BLOCK
SexyFace JStaal and Happy Evgeni

MOST MAN
Enough said.

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Uncle Jordy
Face shield master.

2. Chris Kunitz - Assist master.

3. Alexei Kovalev - Clearly shot into the logo on purpose all night.

. . .Well, we sure beat the shit out of them.
Not much else to say.
Keep it up.

GO PENS.

 
Creative Commons License
Puck Huffers by Kimberly Davidson and Zoë Hayden is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.