Or, you know, according to the backdate of this post, today is Halloween.
Happy Halloween, bitches. We hope you all got laid in your most likely hockey-based costumes. Allison really got it all right when she went out of the house dressed as a puckbunny, setting the course for an entirely new world of ironically slutty hockey-wear. All of that drinking gets ideas into her head, and sometimes they are amazing. Other times they are along the lines of "HEY GUYS LET'S STOP AT THIS BAR, I NEED ANOTHER SHOT AND I SWEAR WE WON'T MISS THE TRAIN OUT OF BROOKLYN."
What did you go as?
We'll forgive you if it wasn't as awesome.
The Pens played the Wild.
Petr was a dick.
The Pens played well but couldn't get it done when push came to shove. You can't win 'em all, even though sometimes it looks like we really are that immaculate.
We're not depressed. Fuck. Are we ever?
Awards show doesn't seem fitting. Let's talk costumes.
Legends of the Hidden Temple Contestant
Little Alex sure does want to prove us wrong. He overheard us bitching about his contract back in the day and he is yet to forget it. 23 shifts, and the kid's plus/minus is making ladies' periods later than this post.
Left the house as a Green Monkey contestant. Not cocky enough to be a Silver Snake, he's one of the kids who cleverly cheats my using his knees on the slide challenge, and seems to know the hidden location of every temple guard. We root for him only after we realize our original pick was a shitting idea, and tell our friends we were always REALLY rooting green. Fucking Purple Parrots.
We were always on your side, little Alex.
Keep it up.
The Token Slut Costume
Now now, Petey, we miss you too. But we don't show it by acting all enraged whenever you come around. This always happens. A favorite leaves on possibly bad terms, comes back and acts kind of like an ass. He tried to main Tanger's pretty face, and while we understand that maybe that felt like the right thing to do at the time, long term this is not the message you want to send to the Penguins.
Petey was, of course, a very sexy French maid this Halloween. Everyone hates that fucking bitch that parades around in next to nothing because she couldn't think of anything more clever to rock than her own cleavage. But in the end, that's the drunk bitch that gets the party started by dancing on the bar and needing her stomach pumped by 11 p.m. And she's kind of hot. What can you do? We love you, Petey. Now put on some pants.
We can thank Chris for giving us a new reason to roll around on the ground screaming "WHY, PENS ORGANIZATION?" Caused WWII, the holocaust, and pancreatic cancer. He is why smoking is bad for you and the reason you didn't get laid on prom night.
Thank you very fucking much, sir.
Cappy, oh Cappy, how you make us proud. What with your rapidly increasing faceoff percentage, learning when it is and isn't okay to embellish a hit, and generally proving to everyone that you are better than them and they can go fuck off.
Clearly he's a sailor man.
Puck Huffers Staff
Forgive our absence. We love you more than all those we are rutting in sin with. We doubt you expect our full sobriety on holidays regardless, but still. Sometimes we feel guilty. Here is our formal apology, notarized by all the necessary officials.
Forgot His Costume
No one realized. Won best costume. Always brings his pimp suit.
So the Pens lost.
THAT DOES NOT MEAN WE LIKE IT OR CONDONE IT, DO YOU HEAR US?
Now stop that shit.
As always, your comment ideas will be better than anything we can do.
What were the boys wearing?