Tuesday, June 30, 2009

it's a glorious affliction

You may not know this about us, but during the hockey season we tend not to sleep.
It's like being on speed. Somehow, we watched each and every game the Penguins played this year, blogged, went to class (most of the time), did our homework, and did more or less what was expected of us in life. Eating thrown in there somewhere. As you can see, there is very little time left to spend in bed.
When summer arrived, we were absolutely positive that we would start catching up on sleep.
Well. We sort of did. For a few days.
Then we realized:
Free agency.
Don't go to sleep. Don't go to work without your cell phone handy.
You might miss something. Something big.

Yesterday, all news was good news. One more year of grab-ass with Grandpa Guerin. Two more years of Craigsy. We're pleased.

If you want to read a thorough, analytical post about the Penguins' free agents and people who might be available to them in the FA pool this year if it comes to looking for outside help, you should check out this goodness over at tPB. Our analytical sides only go so far. Eventually we start wondering if the man in question enjoys waffles. Locking up solid 20-goal scorers is just a given. We expect great things of Ray Shero. The man is pretty much a goddamned beast. Our minds thusly turn to domestic bliss.

Today is the last day before free agency begins, so if anyone wants to get anything done before they run into the open sea, now is that time.

WE WILL UPDATE THIS PART OF THE POST AS NEWS DEVELOPS TODAY

Zigomanis will not return. We wish him the absolute best of luck. Great guy, hardworking player, and he's getting his name on our Cup if the NHL agrees. But he'll always be on it in our hearts. Our Friend Kevin wants him to be a Flyer. Not so sure about that, but there are a lot of teams who could use his services and if Ziggy ends up someplace where he's happy we'll be happy.

Bobby Scuds and Brooksie invited to Team USA minicamp. The phrases "Olympic defenseman Rob Scuderi" and "Brooks Orpik, Team USA's defensive monster in the 2010 Vancouver Olympics" are already ringing in our heads and we like the sound of them. No guarantees, certainly, but how badass would it be? Ryan Whitney will be there too. Penguins partaaaaaay.

Keep checking back here for updates.
GO PENS.

Monday, June 29, 2009

"one of you bitches go grab me a drink"

Puck Huffers staff is pleased to announce that we will be resigning with the Penguins for another year, taking a 50% paycut.
Because as it seems, paycuts are the trend of the day.

Craig Adams.
Why, hello sir.
Two more years at a $50,000 paycut.
At first we got a little nervous, but then the financial word came out and we were pretty pleased. There's a good chance that this is a bad sign for Ziggy, but we're not making any declarations because we don't want to look like assholes when it all goes down. We're going to stay away from too much speculation. You know the chant. In Shero we trust.

Also on the table today was Grandpa Guerin. We were anxiously awaiting word and we weren't let down. Billy G, we look forward to one more year of opportunities to convince you that a threesome is just what you need before retirement. And for two and a half million less? *ahem* Sir, you are looking more fly than ever.

We're happy because this means that Billy is happy as all hell being on this team. Which was obvious from every piece of media gathered over his time here, but the Isles fans kept wanting us to believe otherwise. If there's anything you can count on, it is that a team will willingly overpay an old player. We're glad he'd rather hang out with us for another year. Let's be honest...who wouldn't?

Tomorrow might hold some fun new stories about resigning players, but for the most part we are holding our breath for the first. That's when shit gets ugly. Or beautiful. As you know, priority number one over here is Mr. Scuds. His resigning is paramount. We're ready to light bags of dog shit on fire on some front porches if need be, and we hope that you will be willing to join in those festivities. We'll bring some torches if you can gather the pitchforks.

In our down time in the past few days we have been just a little more bored than is healthy. This led to the creation of the most epic quiz in the history of Quizilla. WHICH PITTSBURGH PENGUIN IS YOUR LOVER. Clearly we urge all of our lady readers to go take it and discuss the accuracy of their results. Well, we also urge the male readers to do the same. We'll just understand a little more if you don't want to publicly discuss it.

Anyway, keep strong in these hard days of free agency. We know it's difficult to not freak out sometimes, but at least you don't have to worry about games at the same time. You can look at all of this through the Stanley-Cup-colored glasses that get passed out upon becoming the best team in the history of the universe. Or something like that.

Woooo!
Go Pens.

LATE EDIT
Offers have been placed on the table to Heavenly Curry, Ben Lovejoy, and Timmy Wallace.
Thanks to Raybin for the tip.
Not so sure about Benny being a top six defenseman, but whatevs, we love him.
Go Pens.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

if you know what's good for you

So, the draft party in Columbus was quite the experience for PH and crew.
Huge thanks to The Hockey Junkies for carting our asses to Ohio and buying Timbits for everyone.
Without them, we wouldn't have had the opportunity to be on a locker room tour and just randomly turn around to see Steve Mason all up in our business trying to get away from the legions of men congratulating him on his Calder.
If we are ever that close to Steve Mason again we'll probably experience massive heart attacks and die.
He really shouldn't sneak up on people like that.

R.J. Umberger was there. So was Jared Boll. All were creeping around the arena wearing gay flip flops. It was great.

However, we'd like to present a brief open letter to the Blue Jackets organization:

DEAR BLUE JACKETS ORGANIZATION:
Just because your team moved up from #26 to #21 after blowing your chance at #16 doesn't mean that you should kick everyone out of the arena before the fucking round is over.
And by "everyone" we mean the 10 people who stayed that the radio announcers called the "diehards." Srsly. We had a draft to watch.
Kthx,
PH Staff


Other than that, though, we have nothing but great words for the people at Nationwide. The locker room tours were a great idea and the nifty little draft sheets that they provided for people to fill out were really fun.
And we got Timbits.
Whatever.

As you all know, we drafted defenseman Simon Despres. He's considered a good positional defenseman and is smart with the puck.
We also enjoy how French he is. And his awkward little crooked smile.
Also acquired are Ulf Samuelsson's kid, Philip (D), and Andy Bathgate's grandson, Andy Bathgate, a centerman who plays for Belleville.
Not to leave out Alex Velischek, son of Randy Velischek, also a defenseman.
Other kittens:
Ben Hanowski, RW
Nick Petersen, RW
Viktor Ekbom, D
Look them up. We're retarded.

Some photos have surfaced of the Red Wings cleaning out their locker room on June 15.
Oh, shit. That last one just snuck in there. It's what the Penguins were doing on June 15. We apologize for the inconvenience.
(Sorry, sorry. It hasn't gotten old yet.)

The Flyers got Chris Pronger yesterday and gave up Joffrey Lupul, Luca Sbisa, and some picks/kittens.
They're just stocking up on crazy motherfuckers in case the arena needs protection during a nuclear holocaust.
Like. . .Chris Pronger in our division.
We don't know what this means, but it can't be good.

We're still confident about keeping Rob Scuderi. This article helps.

Conkblock won't be a Wing next season. Should he sign with the Flyers to back up Ray Emery and play in the Winter Classic?

The Isles sold $79,000 worth of NEW season ticket packages and $15,000 worth of Tavares merchandise in the hour after Tavares was drafted. Boy Canada is a very greasy little commodity. 6 times a year. Playing against Johnny and and the very lovely Kyle Okposo might actually make Isles games interesting. They might be a playoff team one day, which means someone in the Atlantic is going down. The Rangers might implode or something. This could be fun!

Other than that. . .things are pretty quiet.
Counting down the days to Wednesday.

btw, we thought we were Team Jacob, until we found out he's in league with the Red Wings.
what the fuck, man?

TEAM EDWARD
GO PENS

EDIT: RIP Billy Mays, via tPB. More than Farrah and MJ does he deserve your respect. Pittsburgh pride over here.

Friday, June 26, 2009

GO BOY CANADA GO. 6 times a year. . .
At the party. Pronger to the Flyers, Lupul part of the package. We ran into Steve Mason...literally. Amazing. Go Pens.

happy draft day

We'll be in Columbus partying with Steve Mason, duh.
Enjoy your Fridays, everyone.
GO PENS.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

like a 2 a.m. phone call from the hospital.

If you're in a good mood right now, as we were before this story happened, please navigate away.
Come back later, when shit is not as good.
Enjoy that Slurpee.
Finish the hilarious conversation with your friend.
Keep listening to late 90's pop and dancing around your room in your underwear.
These are the things we would have liked to have done in our final moments of childhood. Before IT happened.
Save yourselves.

Okay, hopefully now the only people reading are those of you whose dogs have recently died, who are being audited by the IRS, and have just realized that you probably aren't winning the $10k on the Eat 'n' Park scratch off tickets.

Are we being overly dramatic?
Fuck off.
As the early researchers of Petr Fevr, we are devastated. Our disease is on the brink of eradication in the greater Pittsburgh area, so says this article from Kukla's Korner.

Quoth the translated Petr: “It is possible I could stay in Pittsburgh, but I feel it is better for both the Penguins and me that I go to another NHL team.”

We know nothing's over till it's over, but that doesn't keep us from worrying our parents with undignified sobbing in the middle of the night. Petr Sykora is not only a favorite Pen of ours, he is a long-time hockey hero of ours. Seeing him come to the Penguins was orgasmic and tear inducing, making his leaving what can only be described as an equally, if not a more so tear-inducing anti-orgasm.

At this moment, we request you not try to reason with us. Yes, we understand that maybe it is in fact his time to part with our team. Yes, we get that his ice time was down and that maybe there are better options for the Penguins at this point. Fuck off. We get our time to mourn. Even if it's just a quote from an article, we reserve the right to act like 12 year old girls clutching hockey cards for a few minutes.

And then we reserve the right to start drinking away the pain.
We'll talk about things more rationally when AND IF it happens for real.
We just wanted to make sure you had this to arm yourself with.

Go Pens.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

there are many great evils in the world

Twitter is one of them.
But we never said we were good.
Here it is
We'll use it for when we're stranded in central Mississippi gagged and bound in the back of an RV, unable to call the cops, only text expertly behind our backs.
You can call the cops for us.
Be on high alert after August 8.

Other than that. . .not much going on.
You can now refresh the Penguins website to get a new friendly background image, i.e. not Sid.
Which occupied us for a solid five minutes just now.

Most of you have probably seen this, but we're also aware that when we don't post things, sometimes you think we're unaware.
We just don't want to insult your clear and bountiful intelligence by acting like you're not hip to things.
Anyway.
This is pretty genius.

Like, wow.
Just when you thought you couldn't get any more obsessed with "I'm On a Boat" someone made it about hockey.

Errr.
Other than that.
No one is playing hockey, so wtf are we going to write about?
Free agency? We'd kill ourselves.
The draft? Trust in Shero, that's all we can say.
Go watch some True Blood if you're bored. We can hook you up with high quality torrents.
(How lame are we?)

The new banner is Malks. We think you'll enjoy it. (RSS feed losers, we're looking at you. Click the link, tards.)

. . .Go Pens.

Monday, June 22, 2009

summer reading.

Hope everyone is enjoying their summer thus far in a drunken haze of awesomeness. You are all, after all, Stanley Cup Champions.

While you are doing all of the amazing things that summer entails for you, we'd like to point you in the direction of a new blog by Our Friend Kevin.

You may remember Kevin from such fine Puck Huffers features as Face of the Enemy. Now that we have gone through the wonder that is the Red Wings fan base, the Flyers seem a little more lovable, don't they?

Kevin's pretty great, but he is in fact a Flyers fan. So what you're getting is write-ups from the other side of the state rivalry. We don't expect him to go easy on the Pens, or to have always-amazing opinions on the State of Things (he thinks Ziggy should join the ranks of the Flyers. Ahem.) But it is a fun insight on things on the other side, and we support his Pens hate completely. What's a rivalry without...well...rivals?

Enjoy him. Job him. Do whatever you want. We think he's a great spokesperson for the Flyers Nation. Take that to mean what you will.
Click it.

Other than that, there isn't much business here today. We do apologize for any difficulties you are having navigating the site due to redirection. We think it's a blogger bug, because we've done everything we can to fix it on our end. Hopefully it'll resolve itself soon.

Woooo!
Go Pens.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

father's day

Happy Father's Day!
To Chris Kunitz and Craig Adams, who are having their first Father's Days as dads this year, and to all of the other guys on the team who are dads: way to be.
To all of our readers, your dads, father-figures, grandfathers, etc.



It's still summer.
When does the puck drop?
Kidding, kidding (sort of).

GO PENS.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

october or bust.

Well, here we are.
It's summer.

Summer in Pittsburgh is a beautiful thing. It's hot and lazy and charming in that sweaty sort of way, and you're always just one truck-bed ride away from goin' down the crick. We wouldn't want to spend summer anywhere but here.

And need we mention the annual 4th of July celebration? A thing of legends.

But, then again, there's the lack of hockey.
We're not worried about it. We have the rare opportunity to enjoy the hockey-studded summer that goes along with being Stanley Cup Champs. We'll be following the HHOF diaries obsessively, dreaming of free agents, and feverishly wishing for the preseason.

So, here's what you're looking at for the PH summer.
-It looks like this Friday we'll be heading out to Columbus for the draft. We'll let you know how that goes.
-We're of course going to be following the Cup for you. We'll let you know what happens when MaxTal looses it in a sand dune in North Carolina or when photos of him dick-whipping it appear online.
-If there is a parade in Wilmington Fucking Delaware, you can count us in.
-Free agency. As obsessively as we covered the trade deadline (never has there been a more fucked up 48 hours in our lives) we'll cover this even more closely.
-We're taking ten or so days to aimlessly drive down the east coast, over to New Orleans, and then loop back up. We'll be in the area of several arenas, which we plan to claim on behalf of the Penguins. We'll be documenting this trip here, partially to show you the hockey related things we encounter on the way, and partially because we have an inkling that we might die somewhere along the way. And we need to make sure our families know to leave everything we own to our readers.

We will no longer be updating daily.
Not to say we won't still be obsessively updating at every sign of hockey, we just don't want to feel compelled to create bullshit to generate content when nothing has really happened, so we might miss a day here and there.
The banner will still be updated, no worries.
We'll archive them all eventually, calm down.

So, as our last official order of business before we take the leap into summer, we'd like to thank you.
We started this blog because we were bored and we love hockey. We got so much more out of it than we ever imagined that we would.
This season has been amazing because of you guys.
For those of you who comment, you've created a community we love to watch and be a part of and get drunk with. For those of you who email us, you say some of the most amazing, absurd, unbelievable things. We apologize if we take forever to get back to you (or if we never actually do.) While we try to get back to everyone quickly we often times fail. But we want you to know we appreciate it.And for those of you that lurk in the shadows, we love you too. You should say something sometime. But if you're shy, we're cool with that too.

Awesome people who helped us along the way deserve some mention. Hang on for just a moment while we roll these credits.
TheGoonBlogger was there from the beginning supporting us unwaveringly. Allison somehow became the comments ringleader. She showed up out of fucking nowhere, and a few months later invited us to sleep on her floor in Long Island. We have no clue what we'd do without her now. The Hockey Junkies, who taught us the ways of the wall, the ins and outs of creeping, and provided us with a home close to the south side when we needed one most. Adam and Derek over at tPB have helped us more than they fucking should have. We love 'em for it. Heather from WrapAroundCurl is the queen of the internet and one of the best people we know, despite being a Leafs fan. Lori from Hockey, Football and Stiletto Shoes is one of the best Penguins bloggers out there and a damn pleasure to know. All of the Guerrilla Cbloggers of course get some mention, and extra props to Laynie for making sure we always have the most recent photos and for acquainting us with some really special individuals in Squirrel Hill. Bob and Mikey at KISS FM were, obviously, unreal. Two of the nicest guys on the planet. If it weren't for Rach and Kate we wouldn't have made it to the SCF, we'd have been frozen to death on the side of a road in Columbus. And of course, the guys over at PSR, for all of their amazingness and the best $10 shirts in the burgh.

We're probably forgetting a lot of people.
Whatever, we're getting bored with the whole sappy angle.
We kind of like you, you get it, whatever.

We wish we could give you some award...
Like...some amazing award to prove you're awesome and from the best place in the world and terrific fans and amazing people...
Wait...wait...
OH RIGHT I FORGOT.
YOU ALREADY HAVE IT.

Kisses and stuff.
We love you.
We'll be here all summer, if you're planning on hanging around.
If not, well, we'll see you in preseason.

Go Pens.

Friday, June 19, 2009

like it matters

Last night's NHL awards were a return to form for the League, for the most part.
During the playoffs, anything can happen. Heroes emerge from the most unlikely places to make big shit happen. The regular season is most certainly a big deal, but only in that it's how you get to the Stanley Cup Playoffs--the reason that the game is even played. To do well and be consistent in the regular season is a great honor. But when you can cut it in the NHL playoffs, you're on an entirely different level. Those you left behind will say that yes, they did their damnedest to reach the prize. For example, Mike Green had 31 regular season goals and came second in voting for the Norris Trophy. Good for you, Mike. You and your faux hawk and your tuxedo--you did good. Congratulations on a great season.

But hey, what's this?
nvm Stanley Cup over here
brb

Hey, Ovie's on the cover of NHL 2K10!

Oh Alex and your Hart Trophy! Get a room, sillies! *winkwinknudgenudge*
Kids! Would you look at that? It's young love.

But you want to know the best thing?
Max Talbot can show up to the red carpet with Malks and he isn't even nominated for anything and probably never will be.
Except, you know.
He won that thing.
And, hey, boy be lookin' FLYYYYYYY.
How did we get so pimp?
Dan Bylsma did get 2 votes for the Jack Adams. Whether we like it or not.

What we're trying to say is, the best candidate at the end of the regular season won each and every one of these awards and we are not upset about Ovechkin or, hell, Jarome Iginla.

It was just a great night for everyone.

The emotion in Tim Thomas' speech after winning the Vezina is what the NHL Awards are all about. Watch it. Dare you not to mist up and want to hug the guy.


It was a special turnout for Boston especially. Zdeno Chara rightfully receiving the Norris. Claude Julien with the Jack Adams.

Steve Mason won the Calder and to have been nominated for the Vezina as a rookie was an accomplishment in and of itself.
We've never been happier to say that we were on-hand to see the Penguins lose on the road, because it was a SO loss to Steve motherfucking Mason and he's going to be a force for years to come.
And how about this girl he's dating? Her name is Amberleigh and she's pretty smokin'.
When we first saw Stevey shut down the Sharks in December, the idea of him sitting at the NHL Awards with a hot blonde waiting to take home the Calder Trophy wasn't quite in our minds.
But we're so proud of him.
We hope that girl has life insurance.

All in all, we're proud of everyone who was able to take home some hardware last night.
Malks got his Art Ross.
And, hey, guess what, still pimp.

And the Pittsburgh Penguins still won the Cup.
We might never, ever get over it.
Sorry.
It happens.

ATTENTION EVERYONE
Tomorrow we will be doing various housecleaning.
Tune in for our summer plans, because we know you just want to know wtf we're doing with our lives and the blog in this deep, dark hockeyless period.
It's going to be a fun summer, though.
Don't sweat it.
We love each and every one of you.

GO PENS.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

GREETINGS FROM LAS VEGAS

We just got back from lounging by the pool with Pavel and our good friend Leadership. It was Versteeg's turn to be drink boy, and he makes some damn fine bloody marys.
Earlier this afternoon Steve Mason showed us a mirrored elevator in the hotel in a way that only Steve Mason could. We feared for a few moments that we would end up like so many dead hookers at the bottom of the Ohio, but then he had to cut us loose to catch up with his live blog and be with his wicked hot girlfriend.
All in all, we're having a fabulous time.

While we know the red carpet is already laid out for the awards ceremony this evening, do you really trust these fuckers at the NHL to make any decisions that are even mildly worthwhile? We're not so sure that we do. After all, they only do this once a year. We give out awards for nearly every game of the season. We're kind of experts at determining who deserves what.

If we were you, we'd trust us. But luckily we aren't you. If we were, we wouldn't have laceration marks so lovingly given to us in the hotel elevator by Mister Mason. Just saying. We're old pros at this whole award show game. Trust us.


Now, while the drinks are still cold and we still haven't spent every last cent at the poker tables, let's get on to the award show.

WELCOME TO BEAUTIFUL LAS VEGAS
AND THE FIRST ANNUAL
PUCK HUFFERS AWARDS NIGHT
WITH YOUR CHARMING HOSTS
KIM AND ZOE!


We'll begin this show with a musical performance, by an artist who also happens to be the recipient of our very first award of the night.

Surrounded by other musical artists who accomplished so much this season, such as Joe Esposito on that hard night in late January, Lightnin' Hopkins on that fateful night in Washington, and the many efforts put forth by Beulah on do-or-die occasions, this artist really had to put forth a huge effort to be worthy of starting out the awards show this evening. We think the proof is self-evident, and that there will be no arguments against the chosen performer.

Without further adieu, we present to you:

MOST GOALS SAVED BY A MUSICAL ARTIST
presented to
JAMIROQUAI
and his hit single
CANNED HEAT


Another stunning performance.

Moving on, this next award goes to a very special man that we all know and love. Those of us gently easing out of the summer blues by finding foreign feeds of the pre-season witnessed a terrible event that could have had the Penguins down and out for the season. Working through injury to come back and be on top of his game just in time to help put life back into a wilting team, this man aided greatly in the turnaround of a lifetime for the Pittsburgh Penguins. He also takes the task upon him to shadow a young superstar, making sure he is keeping level headed and doing his best. He ended his heroic season by playing two playoff games with a torn MCL, because that is just how pimps do.
A father of two, a strong mentor, and a fucking beast on the point, we humbly offer
THE PURPLE HEART AWARD
to the irreplaceable
SERGEI GONCHAR.

This next award goes to the same person every year and has since the beginning of time. If we could, we would just give him the trophy permanently in order to avoid any further mix-ups. A gentleman named Darren Helm showed up at PH Las Vegas Headquarters here at the Bellagio this morning, interrupting our morning fruit buffet, demanding to know why he hadn't been nominated. While our peace offering of grapefruit and sparkling wine on the balcony at 10AM seemed to alleviate his concerns, we're indignant that anyone even told him he was eligible. We could sit here and point fingers some more, or we could just get down to business. Let's just do the latter, shall we?
We proudly present
THE FASTEST MAN ALIVE TROPHY
to its only deserving holder
PRESIDENT T. KENNEDY

Now for an award that goes to an individual who never ceases to provide wonderful tales from the south side. Be it on weekends, after games, or a midday excursion, this man always provides plenty of rumors to be brought back home from Carson Street. Although unwilling to pose in your photos for obvious reasons, whether hanging off of the VIP balcony screaming the words to Journey songs or getting trashed at the wine bar, he'll always send you home with something hilarious to tell your friends.
We admit that he has a bit of an unfair advantage, what with "watching the grass grow" a seriously-considered pass time of his youth, but we refuse to let that take away from this young man's glory. We happily present the
UNDERAGE AND LOVING IT AWARD
to the world's most lovable lush
JORDAN STAAL

This next award goes to a man who really knows how to display his physicality in a variety of ways. When he's not beating the shit out of dudes on the ice, he can be found fingerpainting with terminally ill small children and putting shaving cream in the faces of rookie goaltenders. He also has that weird open-mouthed grin, like that one kid you knew in high school--is he high or is he just goofy? We assure you that this man is not high. Unless it's on painkillers after breaking his hands. Would you trust him to babysit? To defend your superstar in a line brawl? What about for a roll in the hay? Perhaps all three?
We're pleased to present
THE MOST BEAUTIFUL HUMAN AWARD
to the very sexy
ERIC GODARD

Now, we come to an award that is close to our hearts. Throughout this season, many people have unwittingly fought for this honor right here in the comments and e-mails of Puck Huffers. Through many rallies and calls to action, the Blingee power of this site has grown more and more pronounced. Although it is hard to select just one person to receive this honor, we have made our choice. Through a fantastic display of the understanding of glitter, flashing text, and obnoxious graphics, this individual has proven their worth to us again and again. We are honored to present the
CHAMPION OF BLINGEES AWARD
to the seizure-inducing
TP

Next we have an award that we have slowly been offering for the better part of half of the season. If we had a time machine here at PH, we would go back in time to gently stroke the hair of the person receiving this award, tell them that things would be okay, and that everything wrong would soon be righted. Alas, we do not have that technology, so we must settle for occasional trips to Delaware to profess our guilt for not being as prophetic as we wish to be. We can trace the beginnings of this award all the way back to January 30th, 2009. May that day live on forever in history. It brings a tear to our eye to offer the
MOST REDEMPTIVE MAN ALIVE AWARD
to the awe-inspiring
MARK EATON

Now, there are a lot of guys in the NHL who might be mistaken for lesbians. Scott Hartnell after he has brushed his hair out nicely. Chris Kunitz, even, is just called The Lesbian by the Hockey Junkies. But this year, we discovered something about another very famous NHL man. And that's that with that ass and those thighs and oddly effeminate Kazakh ways, he might not have to dress up too much to get some attention at ladies' night at your local gay bar.
We love him dearly and wish he and his team would stop choking in the playoffs for Christ's sake, but we have to present
THE UGLIEST LESBIAN AWARD
to he of the tree-trunk thighs
EVGENI NABOKOV

This next award is goes to a man we've all grown to respect, love, and fear. From that little smirk he gives someone before their last moments alive, to the vicious hits at center ice, to the blood that always finds its way onto his jersey by the end of the game, to his perpetual back eye, to the glare he gave to Helm in the seventh game of the series, this man has killed billions and hasn't even blinked. Well...he never does actually blink. We crouch in fear as we hand over the
HIGHEST BODY COUNT AWARD
to the dangerously sexy
BROOKS ORPIK

While we are a little miffed by the fact that our next award recipient hasn't jumped at our repeated offers of a threesome, he is still one of the strongest acquisitions that our team managed to make this year. Through his guidance, Sidney Crosby became less of a robot and the team stormed its way to the top of the food chain. While we sat back, hoping for just one ass-slap, just one morning on the back patio in robes, fetching drinks and cooking steak for the man, he was too concerned with making sure the team knew what was up. We're okay with that. We understand that throwing in some last minute veterans at the trade deadline is a tried and true technique to kicking a young team into gear. But now as summer sets in, we hope that we can offer even more than the
OLDEST TRICK IN THE BOOK AWARD
to the oh-so fetching
BILL GUERIN

Now for an award that goes to a man who has been deeply missed by approximately 10 PH readers. If you count your charming hosts. Through many nights of boredom where no worthwhile teams were playing hockey, one man kept us entertained while we curled up in our apartments, staving off hockey withdraw. Even now, as he sulks around our executive suite asking why HE wasn't invited backstage to the awards, admiring the complimentary robes and the view of the beautiful Nevada sunset, this man makes us laugh, makes us cry, and makes us want to make plans for a designer clothing line with him. If he would stop talking about the $5.99 all-you-can-eat ribs for just ten seconds, we will happily present the
MOST ADORED FINN IN NET
to the highly-confused
VESA TOSKALA

What to say about this next award recipient? Only that somehow, he's managed to overcome a lot of handicaps in his life. After captaining a QMJHL team to back-to-back championships, you thought his career would be off to a rolling start. But instead he was drafted in the eighth round, spent three years of his life drunk, and lost a lot of fights. His first NHL goal came from clearing the puck from center ice past a sleeping Antero Niittymäki--no skill required. Rarely has anything he's ever done looked pretty--from his house and facial hair and unreal shirts to his now-famed "bad hands" and goofy skating just to keep up with everyone else in the NHL who is taller than he is. He played a good portion of this season injured and it showed on the scoresheet--the numbers didn't quite add up. But take the playoffs. His relentless attitude towards every game proved to be life-changing. When you have eight goals in the playoffs and four of those came during the Stanley Cup Final and two of those were the only goals for your team, including the game-winner, in a deciding Game 7 on enemy ice, we at PH think it's fair to say you've arrived. Fuck as many bitches as you please, sweetie. Enjoy the scotch.
We present with the misty eyes of proud parents
THE COMPLETELY ABSURD AND HEROIC EXISTENCE AWARD
to the extremely tasteful
MAXIME TALBOT

Every once in awhile we have to take time to acknowledge the wholeheartedly dick moves accomplished by any one stunningly uncaring individual. The winner of this award has proven to be so very high-and-mighty that we wish we could give it to him twice. In a certain code of respect, players are to acknowledge their fans. Especially when it is raining outside. Especially when you are an AHL call up who is lucky to have people who even know who the fuck you are. Engineer of his own bad reputation, fairly fantastic player, and total asshole, we present this
LEAST LIKELY TO FIST PUMP IN THE RAIN AWARD
to the classless dick
DUSTIN JEFFREY

Now, here is a man who is deserving of an award. Through his many odd personality quirks, his grooming techniques, and overall strangeness, this individual has made it oh-so-simple for us to bestow hilarious and vastly varied titles upon him. As writers always looking for ways to freshen things up, if we felt a little dusty we could always just throw in a "Le____" joke, and feel a little better about ourselves. From LeSwoon to LeHair to LeUnicorn, we feel that we have no other option than to give the
MOST EASILY NICKNAMED AWARD
to the always-charming
KRIS LETANG

He knew he was receiving this award before we even decided we were doing an awards show tonight. We thought of some other prominent figures who might be eligible, but then things started happening. The champagne wasn't perfectly chilled as per our request. The deluxe plate of truffles was delivered to the wrong room. The slot machines only paid out hundreds of dollars to our godlike hands 75% of the time. We knew what we had to do, and that was acknowledge the man who got us through our own Pittsburgh Penguins backup goaltending controversy, the man who pulls all the strings in heaven, the man to whom we pray when we see weird bounces off the endboards or a deer charging out in front of our cars at two in the morning.
Cross yourselves and pray, we are presenting
THE PIMPEST DEITY AWARD
to the omnipresent and omnipotent
JOHN CURRY

Throughout the examining the game of hockey, your charming hosts are obviously sometimes distracted by the *ahem* finer qualities of certain players. While our players of choice cycle through, we will always have our tried-and-true favorites. Others will always present us with qualities that we can't avoid commending. This award was created just this morning while Kim was enjoying being taken to breakfast by Zdeno Chara (6'9") where they enjoyed cherries that he picked himself, during which she realized that expressing gratitude towards such individuals is paramount. As we have pointed out over a series of CMNF features, the tall make us happy people. So when you combine tallness with being completely ripped and a defensive genius? It's hard for us to not fall in love and give the
THANK YOU FOR BEING SO FUCKING HUGE AWARD
to the impressively enormous
HAL GILL

We don't claim to be particularly close to this next recipient. We've only known him for a short time. There are others who have been blessed with his presence before. He won the Cup three years ago on another team, and then found himself placed on waivers as the Chicago Blackhawks saw no need for him anymore. He contemplated leaving the NHL. But no Stanley Cup Champion should have to leave the world of hockey. A grinder and penalty killer such as he is an integral part to any winning team, but he might get it once in a lifetime. Two Stanley Cup rings on this man's hand is a very special thing. And let's not forget that he was born in Brunei and went to Harvard. It's akin to the images we have of imperialist conquests in the early 19th century: a highly-educated aristocrat sitting on a rhinoceros that he just slay in the jungle, drinking brandy from his glass without a care in the goddamned world. He might look out of place, but he doesn't give a fuck. He's a champion.
We have to present
THE MOST UNLIKELY PEDIGREE AWARD
to the classiest fourth-liner around
CRAIG ADAMS


One of our favorite awards we will give this night pays homage to a little place that we both know and love. Maybe you're not familiar, but that's okay. This award is given in the spirit of Fayette County, where the people work hard, speak strangely, and love to sit in the garage and drink a cold beer. It's hard not to fall in love with the citizens, no matter how rough-around-the-edges they may appear. We've been in the FC for a long time, and we believe we're expert enough to present the
HONORARY FAYETTE COUNTY CITIZENSHIP AWARD
to the humble and hardworking
MATT COOKE

This award is given with just a hint of disgust, as we are never prepared for the horror that unfolds before our eyes when this man decides to parade his children around in front of us. As contenders for the most heinously adorable creations on Curry's Green Earth, we need written notification at least three days in advance if we are expected to not fall to our knees and start putting needle holes in our entire condom collection when seeing these children paraded around by their loving father. Please, sir, will you at least make an effort to protect our mental well being if we say that the
MOST ADORABLE NHL FATHER AROUND
is mercilessly won by
PASCAL DUPUIS

BREAKING NEWS
Leadership Richards is currently live on the red carpet.
We're staying in the hotel until the last possible moment.
We're not risking running into Carrie Milbank.
We elect Alyonka and Katie for all further interviews from here on out.
Can we do that?
Roberto Luongo is being adorable.

Back to the awards show.

Our next award goes to someone who deserves so much more than he gets. He was drafted in the fifth round in 1998 and since then has built a legacy. He is the individual you want when you're killing a 5-on-3 situation. He is the individual you want down low, blocking shots, helping the goalie out. On top of his amazing defensive play, he is also an incredible human being, who has married Courtney, the most beautiful woman in the world, en route to having adorable children, all of whom are undoubtedly virtuous. This is a man who works hard for what he gets, and has for a long time been the NHL's best-kept secret. After two consecutive Stanley Cup Finals appearances in which his genius was placed on a pedestal, some believe that the rest of the league has finally realized what an amazing person he actually is. We certainly hope he gets the recognition he deserves, and if Ray Shero knows what's good for the team, he'll make every valiant effort to keep this man on our roster. However, we will never forget what he did for us, nor the years of work he put in with a Penguins crest on his uniform in order to reach this shining moment in his career.
We have to present, with all due respect,
THE "FUCK YOU WE HAD HIM FIRST" AWARD
to ROBERT SCUDERI, AMERICAN HERO

This next man deserves recognition for many things this season. Starting at the top, his hair. His adorable peach-fuzz attempt at a playoff beard. His hand, ruined by Colbs's face. His amazing mid-season comeback that helped rescue the team. The way he walks amongst the fans after games, as though he is Jesus and we are his disciples. This man has stunned and amazed us this season, and while we never thought we would get that close to him, he has proven us wrong. We'd like to present the
GROWN ON US LIKE FUNGUS AWARD
to the one and only
RUSLAN FEDOTENKO

This next award makes us feel a little uncomfortable. Have you ever woken up inside your house and felt oddly not alone? Like someone was about to come up behind you at the counter while you were making coffee? Ask you what you were doing sleeping so late before giving you a swift jerk of the arm and throwing you onto the kitchen island?
. . .
Us neither.
Anyway.
This is for the man who has felt like a Penguin ever since he got here. Whose goal celebration hugs to his teammates might be mistaken for photographs of soldiers and their sweethearts reuniting on a dock after WWII. Who spent the latter part of the season as well as the playoffs injured and not putting up the numbers we're used to seeing him put up. But between telling Marc-André Fleury that he was still winning the series and that he loved him, and laying his body down to block a shot in his six minutes of ice time in the Stanley Cup Final, he still made his mark on the playoffs.
It might be enough for him to stay. It might not.
Either way, we're thankful of all those mornings we've woken up with bruises.
We are pleased to present
THE MOST ADORABLE PERSON EVER AWARD
to the walking sex machine that is
PETR SYKORA

Of course this next award is all-important to the lot of you. We received a lot of REALLY FANTASTIC entries to the t-shirt contest. Sadly we can only pick one. Which means that...we actually picked two. We're not sure what the runner-up prize is just yet, but we'll figure it out soon.

And now...

THE RUNNER UP
Sent to us by the ever-wonderful Rach.
It's a Blingee, it's a haiku, it's a sod farm, it's pepper...could we really ask for more? God...to beat this, it's almost like someone would have to find a fucking mountain and climb it...
wait...
wait...
THE WINNER
Good job, Mer.
We'll be in touch with you bitches about prizes shortly.

So, this next award recipient has dealt with enough crap. We traded Darryl Sydor to Dallas to get him, and what else could you ask for in a seventh defenseman? He killed penalties, his shot is a fucking bullet, and when he has to get nasty he gets nasty. Nobody's perfect. He played solid. However, when the team isn't playing great as a whole, it's easy to latch on to the new kid as whipping boy. The regular season was a very long, hard road and a lot of people got thrown under the bus. But we can't think of a less offensive person to throw under the bus. We repeat: he was solid. And he finally got a Stanley Cup. He played on enough good teams to deserve it. He added experience to a locker room of younger defensemen when Sarge was down and out. We hope you're through whining.
We gladly present with a pat on the back
THE VETERAN PRESENCE AWARD
to the very responsible
PHILIPPE BOUCHER

This next award goes to a man that Kim can't talk about for all that long, lest she start screaming at passers by and hitting the whiskey a little too heavily. When we learned that he was not invited to the show tonight, we called him and asked if he wanted to share a bed in our suite with Vesa. He curiously declined. A man of talent, beauty and many amazing, countless other unreal qualities, we can't help but give the
MOST PERFECT MAN ALIVE AWARD
to the most perfect man alive,
JEFF TAFFE

And now for a man who has been absent for far too long from our lives. While sitting out this season he has happily participated in every charity event we could throw at him, and has only sung his praises of the sweetness that is Pittsburgh. His absence in the faceoff circle has been mourned almost every game, and we can only hope that he gets to hang around for another season with the Pens to show us what he can do over a full season of play. For now, we give the
WISH YOU WERE HERE AWARD
to the very missed
MIKE ZIGOMANIS

We can't forget those who have provided silent support throughout the season, and this man has been yet another veteran presence that has done us well. When looking at a horrifyingly devastating game against the Red Wings, this man stepped in and saw to it that the situation didn't get any worse. Providing a strong support system to a young goaltender is an important task, and this is a guy who has filled the role well. While we don't see him much on the ice, we give him our respect for all that he does. We're honored to give the
GUIDANCE OF THE FLOWER AWARD
to the charmingly supportive
MATHIEU GARON

There are some players that even we at PH threw under the bus. This is a guy who spent most of the regular season playing soft and leaving most people scratching their heads wondering whether or not he actually wanted to be there. At the trade deadline, we sent him down to the AHL to make cap space, and that last regular season game he played at Tampa Bay was his most balls-out performance of the season. And then, when he was called back up to replace Petr Sykora, there were no hard feelings whatsoever. He played fucking well. He was playing for the Cup, and you know what? He got it.
For these acts of valiance, we have
THE CLASS ACT AWARD
presented to the not-very-evil-at-all
MIROSLAV SATAN

This next award is for a man who we plan to grow closer to in the coming years. A sweet pickup before the trade deadline in exchange for Whits, we got more than we hoped for out of this guy. He was clearly a little homesick for his old team, but played like hell for ours. We think that his coming time being harassed by guys like Godard and Mattie Cooke will loosen him up and make him seem like a little bit more of a fit in the Penguins locker room. We look forward to getting to know more, and are happy to present this
LET'S BE FRIENDS AWARD
to the very shy
CHRIS KUNITZ


We always love a rookie. When a veteran goes down, it is often the chance for someone younger and inexperienced to prove himself. This guy did just that. When the power play was mud, he was just like "fuck it" and threw it to the back of the net from the blueline. Because he could. Of course he made rookie mistakes, but without those, he wouldn't have learned enough to become a top six guy in the near future. He's got a contract now, a nice big one. If he pulls a Mike Commodore and starts rolling around with money in his underwear, we won't complain.
With our favorite move (the pimp strut, that is) we present
THE PH ROOKIE OF THE YEAR AWARD
to the gorgeous
ALEX GOLIGOSKI

Again, we hate to be shallow bitches. But sometimes it's hard to separate sexual defense from the player himself. When this award recipient isn't scoring unassisted playoff goals at Nassau Coliseum (and impregnating everyone in attendance) or writing for his blog that he hasn't updated in millennia, he's busy more or less looking fine and charming us into puddles on the floor. We dare you not to have a crush on him.
Because this is, after all,
THE MOST FUCKABLE AHL CALL-UP AWARD
presented to the witty and wonderful
BENJAMIN LOVEJOY

Heroes come in many shapes and forms. We think we have found the ideal build, and that is 5'11", 213 lbs, and a beautiful face. Never has there ever been an individual whose voice we longed for more than this man's, never have we wanted to comply to the every whim of one human being. We don't even know what to say. We're blushing. We give this very-serious
SWEETEST NOTHINGS AWARD
to the very experienced lover,
CAL CLUTTERBUCK

This award recipient took the long road through hockey. From the ECHL to the AHL to his brief stints with the Penguins in the NHL, he recorded his first point and his first goal with Pittsburgh last season. This season, when the Penguins probably could have filled their own hospital with how many injuries we had, he was there again, grinding it out, looking like he'd been playing the game his entire life.
We gladly present
THE BEST HOCKEY SMILE AWARD
to the battered and bruised
CHRIS MINARD

What can you say about this final award recipient other than that he is fucking crazy? All of his miraculous achievements aside. You know, being a Stanley Cup winning goaltender. One of the few people who has ever stoned Alexander Ovechkin on a breakaway. He's had some tough moments too. Goals that shouldn't have gone in. Bad bounces. Some faulty instincts while playing the puck. But he's been through it all at this point. His flexibility and his athleticism always made people jealous, but there are other reasons to add to the list now. And might we add--his girlfriend is smokin'. If you don't want to do doughnuts in an icy parking lot with this man, we question your sense of fun.
It's our pleasure to present
THE "SILENCING THE HATERS" AWARD
to the ever-cheerful
MARC-ANDRÉ FLEURY

This award needs no introduction.
THE GOD OF HOCKEY
rightly owned by
SIR MARIO LEMIEUX

As our second-to-last award, this one proves very important. We here at PH have never been ones to sing constant approval of this particular player, but that has made our journey into respecting him all the more clear. Starting off as a young guy with a chip on his shoulder, he quickly grew up in the world of hockey and learned how to handle things diplomatically both on and off the ice. While maybe not as natural a talent as some other players, he worked his ass off for every inch, and earned everything he ever got. He didn't ask for the media. He just got it. And he has handled it well. Never has there been a player who respected the game more. Never has there been a player who deserved to win the Cup more. He has grown up for this, worked for this, has been on a mission for it his entire life. And now he has it. And don't you think for a second that this has quenched his thirst for glory. We humbly present the
THERE'S PLENTY MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM AWARD
to the one and only
SIDNEY CROSBY

And last but certainly not least, the award that takes it all. League-wide, the man that not only racked up the most points, but the player that most improved the play of those on his team. Not playing for himself, but playing for a team, this man has proven to be the best player not only in the NHL, but in the world. Fuck what anyone else says. This is the truth, these are the facts, and this is the
MVP AWARD
rightfully bestowed upon
EVGENI MALKIN


That's all we have for you right now.
Enjoy the show.
We'll try not to get too drunk and pregnant all at once.

Thank you for coming out to the final award show of the season.
We'll be here later for some housecleaning and our thoughts on the 'other' awards show.

Go Pens.
Go Geno.

 
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Puck Huffers by Kimberly Davidson and Zoë Hayden is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.