Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Pens vs Devils

Up until very recently the Devils had managed a solid season. Everything was going fine, Daddy Brodeur was having a pimp season, and they were seconds away from ensuring the division was their bitch.
And then...
Failboat.
We're not saying it was Daddy's fault, he just takes the most dramatic game photos.

Now is not the time to pull a reverse-Penguins and totally plummet at the end of the season. We want the Flyers to clinch the division like we want Chad LaRose to proposition us in a dark alley. No sir, not today. While it is technically still possible for the Penguins to claim the division title, we're not going to demand you have the same crazy aspirations as we do. And in the case that someone else gets the glory, please Curry just don't let it be the Flyers. Yes, it is a spite thing.

That being said, we still have to take two points from these guys and extend their losing streak even further. It won't be easy. Sometimes a team being disgusted with themselves is enough to fuel a win. Remember that? It was the every Penguins win in December.

...and January.
Christ it's been a long season.

We need to see to it that we don't allow their self-hate to overcome our pure bliss of being good at hockey again. It could be hit or miss. I was talking to my good friend Jamie Langenbrunner tonight and he claimed that the Pens can do it.

Oh, wait, sorry. Let me clarify.

I was dissecting my fetal pig that Zoe suggested I name Jamie Langenbrunner in bio class tonight, and the waves of formaldehyde fumes gave me giddy visions of a 12-0 win tomorrow night.
Jamie?
Jamie says "Go Pens."


Speaking of fetal pigs, the Skates and Plates dinner happened last night and there are some photos to prove it. Which actually has nothing to do with fetal pigs. We just thought we'd redeem ourselves.

Geno looks inappropriately desirous of that salad.
He still doesn't know English for "I demand my fifteen minute break or I'm calling the union" so he spent the night working hard. And starving.

This picture of Crosby is too much for us to handle.

"DON'T LOOK HIM IN THE EYES, SON.
Promise me son...never in the eyes.
"

JStaal, after realizing no one was keeping tabs on the wine stock.

No pictures of Max "I received the biggest tip" Talbot. Let's be honest, he spent most of the night in the coat room with some girl in a sequins muumuu or something equally as tasteful.

It's been a long day.
Tomorrow ends in hockey, so we're optimistic that it'll go quickly.
Woooo!
Go Pens.

I FEEL SO MUCH ALREADY IT'S HARD TO PUT IN WORDS

First of all.
Wrong shutout, douchebags.
Way to make Daddy Brodeur sad.
Our trust of New Jersey as a team has gone out the window.
3-0 Rangers

Also, you need to know this now.
Pensblog has hit playoff form in this
COMPLETELY EPIC JOBBING
of Puck Daddy and the band that apparently wrote and cares about a "Crosby sucks" anthem.
There are many reasons we don't jump on these kinds of stories. Mainly, it's the fact that we stay away from Puck Daddy like the plague unless they're generating quality content. Typically, that comes from the Russian dude who interviews the Russian players and occasionally Wysh hooking the world up with sick drinking games *coughcough*.
Um, but, more or less, the way Puck Daddy is obsessed with Sidney Crosby is reaching an entirely disconcerting level.
We love Sid, he's our captain, we respect him, we understand why others aren't fans of him, etc. etc. etc.

What we find interesting, from a completely unbiased perspective, is that hating Crosby has become so popular that it may soon go out of style.
Time for Sid to start letting everyone know what he's really like. Like, "Losing sucks and losing is not what I'm about. I will exact my revenge swiftly." And, "Anyone wanna go to a grindcore concert later?" and "Could you pass the salt? Thanks."

Seriously, that boy takes way too much shit from everyone.
And when a guy who calls himself Lord Jupiter thinks he's got a soapbox on the issue, you really have to wonder, if you haven't already, what is going wrong in America these days.

Jesus.

Monday, March 30, 2009

starting to notice a theme here

Yesterday, Kim brought you the glorious, optimistic insight of her drunkenness. As idealistic as she sounded, a sober Zoë over here is inclined to agree. Now that you're probably more familiar than you want to be with our unadulterated and pure love for the Pittsburgh Penguins and their Stanley Cup aspirations, we figure it's time to switch gears a little and show you how drunkenness has affected other hockey fans.

Here, then, is an epic tale of the Staal Brothers Drinking Game in practice during the Pens/Rangers game on Saturday night. The game is probably the thing that we at PH are best known for, and drunkblogging has happened more than once since we started writing, so to see it enacted in such faithful dedication brings warmth to our hearts. Kimberly is a Rangers fan and she was watching the MSG broadcast with her friends. Suffice it to say that they were bombed by the time Talbot scored.

In a totally inspired stroke of genius, she tried to buy sod for the party as well:
My brother and I are making our way to the garden department searching for some sod. It doesn't look very promising. We split up to look. I see a Home Depot employee and figure I might as well ask him. He tells me that they actually don't have sod because it is really difficult to get it fresh and apparently if it’s not done right you are basically wasting your money. He suggested that if I purchase some I need to get it imported (At this point I wondering if the Staal family would send me a patch from Canada). You think he would stop talking then... NO. So then he goes on about much do I want and I tell him I want just a little patch. He goes into this entire demonstration about how I need to line it up perfectly and basically showing me how to do it if I don't want to fuck up my lawn. I didn't realize that I looked like such a serious sod customer.

Like, seriously. What a story.
Click the link for full details, you won't be disappointed.
Also included is Staal trivia and a nice nod to the power of Max's mustache.

IN OTHER NEWS
The Devils are drunk. Seriously. Brodeur has certainly come down to earth after his last 35-save shutout of Team Cal. His team is on a four-game losing streak during which Brodeur is only .900 if you squint and round up. He was pretty brilliant last night against the Hurricanes but apparently the entire team forgot that the third period is still twenty minutes long like the other ones.
The Rangers play the Devils tonight and, frankly we have a few words for Marty & Company: FUCKING. STOP. IT.
Everyone was bitching at the Pens when they couldn't beat teams below them in the standings. Just because the Devils have clinched their playoff spot doesn't exclude them from this standard.
While it would be really funny if in a few years Brodeur took a page out of Turco's book and made sure he was never further than 10 feet away from liquor, we cannot afford this tomfoolery.
New Jersey, keep the Eastern Conference in check for us. For just a few more weeks. Please.
We'll make you cupcakes and everything.

IF YOU'RE BORED
PATRICK HONEY YOUR STICK DOES NOT GO THERE
Sharks@Flames tonight is probably the most interesting thing going on. No offense to hardcore Atlantic Division rivalries, but we'd rather watch Calgary and San Jose than anything involving the fucking New York Rangers. Unless the Pens are also involved. In which case, as you must have learned by now, we can drink.

GAWWWW

Evgeni off-day features bring smiles to the faces of women and children everywhere.

What a Monday.
Go Pens.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

WHY THIS WEEK DIDN'T SUCK


Time isn't wasted when you gettin' wasted. I danced my face off tonight. You heard me. I'm drunk on a Sunday. And it doesn't matter because you're here at Puck Huffers just like me. I'm here to tell you why this week doesn't suck and who is more qualified to tell you than some drunk bitch? I'm here for you. Let's go, people. The Pens are the best thing in your life and you know it. Let's talk about it.

If you have a drink, would you please put it in the air?

1) The Pens are the fucking best team in the NHL and you fucking know it. You know, we might not win the cup this year. If we don't, are you going to be pissed? I'm not. We learned so much this season. This is something so important for us as fans and someting important for our young players. Sidney Crosby needed to see a loss. He needed to see what it's like when it's hard and when you're fighting for pride and for your dignity. That's what this is about. Hockey is about character and learning how it is when it's hard for your city and your team. Losing won't matter, because our lesson has been learned. We did well despite sucking for a large majority of the season. We rebounded. We can do this even if we have everything working against us. Doesn't that make you proud? It should. Our team knows how to come back when it's most important. We saved our pride. They are our heroes and they know it. What does that have to do with this week? Everything. It's a dogfight right now and it's a dogfight because we made it that way. Be proud. You have a team that worked to be contenders. If they didn't, this would just be a depressing week played for no fucking reason other than to waste time until golf season.

2) We can win the Cup. Do you understand how hard we have worked to come back to this point? That hard work could very well carry on until we have that 35 lbs. of cold metal in our hands. It's a far stretch, but really, are you ready to count it out? No, you aren't. And neither are our boys. They've been through enough to know what it takes to get there and don't you think for a second they aren't ready to work that hard again. They're ready to sit in the dressing room through third overtime with IV fluid and pizza again, but this time they won't let it slip through their fingers. We have more hope than any team that we will go up against. We've been so close, and we want to get that close again. It's so possible we can taste that sweet glory again. We have the hope. We have the talent. We have everything working for us. It's possible, and we all know it.

3) We ruined the Rags. Yeah, it feels fucking good to get that out there, doesn't it? Beating those bitches feels awesome.

4) Summer is so close. You can feel the heat in the air. It's so close to the point where we can just look back on the season and, good or bad, talk about what was wrong and what was right, and how much more awesome we can be next season. While summer is hard without hockey to distract us from real life problems, it also gives us a break from the emotional torment that is hockey. Maybe we'll be attending parades and meeting up with Cup celebrations, and maybe we'll just be talking about what could have been. Either way, it's a break for reflection and fun.

5) Alcohol is always the answer. If it all goes wrong and we failboat out of the playoffs early, Ketel One is here to comfort you. And if we take it all across the board? Booze is going to help you celebrate the win. It's all okay when you're drunk. I should know, I'm wasted. I promise alcohol is here to comfort you.

We're done here.
Disclaimer: I'm wasted on hope and vodka.
Drunk posts don't happen that often, but this is one of them.
Feel free to admire my drunken typing abilities.
Go Pens.
WOOOOO!

Saturday, March 28, 2009

"i was confused there for a minute"

Retarded afternoon games fuck everything up.
If you're like me, you have two papers to write this weekend.
But the unwritten rule of being from the Pittsburgh area is that sports always come first.
So, join me as I recap this game instead of doing my homework, because hockey is better than 20-page research papers on Soviet photography.
The Ukraine contingent agrees with me. Fedotenko--what a game.

Do your pimp strut into the awards show tonight, boys. You're on a roll.

MOMENTS YOU KNEW WE WEREN'T LETTING THIS SHIT GET AWAY FROM US
The boys are on fire to start everything off. Guerin-Crosby-Kunitz is as hungry for goals as you've ever seen a top line. Bylsma puts the fourth line out just to fuck with the Rangers' defense. Talbot is fu manchu city, always a good sign.


Then Tyler Kennedy goes batshit on Sean Avery.
The referee attempts to subdue Avery as he is enthusiastically ejaculating.
TK Thunder is pimp city, and there's no way we're ever losing again.

THE MOMENT THAT FOR SOME OF US WAS CLOUDED BY ALCOHOL
Reader Kim was having a Staal Brothers Drinking Game party at her house this afternoon with the fine broadcasting team at MSG, and, by all accounts, everyone in attendance is too bombed to even be aware of this recap. However, if you were watching FSN Pittsburgh, you got your shots in as well. Steiggy is forced to specify which Staal he's talking about, and you're still trying to find some chips to chase that orange Smirnoff when Fedotenko sends Max off to the fucking races.
Henrik is struck by the sudden realization how enormous his five hole just was.

I KNOW RIGHT FEDS IT MUST BE THE MUSTACHE AGAIN OR MAYBE IT'S MY SOUL PATCH WHATEVER IT IS I'M FUCKING HOT RIGHT NOW HUH? OH YOU TOO MAN YOU TOO. DON'T HATE.

BEST EFFORTS BY MSG TO FUCK YOU UP
My Lan was watching the New York feed and was sober enough to provide us with the evidence.
You know the rules: that's a doubleshot.

NET CRASHING 101
Matt Cooke may or may not be aware that he's already been part of CMNF this season. Nor Evgeni, nor Talbot. They must be playing for pride or something at this point. Evgeni gets the puck to the net, Talbot whacks at it, Cooke backhands it, and then does a nifty little slip to the forehand to poke it past Lundqvist.
Henrik looks over his shoulder to Dubinsky, blames him instantly for the goal, kind of like someone just busted a load all over his back.
Malkin is lurking somewhere, probably fucking bitches in the stands, upon achieving a career high 107 points on the season.

Mattie is glowing like he just won the Nobel Prize over here.

"THAT'S VERY INTERESTING, HAL GILL"
The Rangers PP is awful, their PK is apparently Jesus, and the Pens PK isn't bad either, which means that any time either team ran a power play, you were just expecting a whole lot of nothing.
On the PK, MAFer has to make some huge save.
We finally get it out.
Harold Priestley joins the shorthanded rush, almost makes something happen.
If you haven't had to go to the bathroom yet with all that liquor in your system, you definitely have to go now.
Please Hal. . .feel free to do that to us more often.

THE ONLY FACEOFF THAT MATTERED
Max is feeling like a serious pimp and batting 100% on his faceoffs.
In the heat of the moment, he ends up losing a defensive zone draw to Gomez.
Gomez finds Avery, finds Callahan, finds some open space. Goal.
An old friend joins the Rangers for their celebration.
Avery dispels any doubts that he has a huge fucking mouth.
2-1

THE HONORARY DANY SABOURIN WRAPAROUND AWARD
Remember Sabu getting jobbed on bad wraparounds?
Fleury usually makes wraparounds look easy to stop. It's usually like trying to come around the corner of a giant brick building.
Dubinsky prayed to Curry that he might be able to stuff this one in with four seconds left, and Curry decided to give us all a karma lesson. Don't fuck with your goalies.
2-2

BEST MOTIVATIONAL FACES
Bob Errey has very specific feelings about the last few minutes of that period.

Trying as hard as he can to be mature, Max tells America the boys plan to "refocus and come back harder."

We don't quite have this one in the bag, do we?
Time to not disappoint.

The report from MSG is that Marc Staal did an interview and was asked about playing againt JStaal 1.0. We'd be surprised if anyone playing the game remembers any events past the first period.

We learn, motivationally, which boys buy carbon credits because they care about the environment a la Andy Ference:
They best be riding the MBTA when they come to Boston.

BEST EFFORTS BY ERIC GODARD TO FUCK YOU UP
Drops the gloves with Orr.
Apparently the fact that TK fought Avery earlier distracted the attention away from hardcore goon purists, because this is the only fight between Godard and Orr this season that didn't get on YouTube within 10 seconds, nor was it photographed.
Needless to say, it was pretty much just like all the other ones.
Godard is still a beast.

HUGEST REASON TO RE-SIGN ROB SCUDERI
Some joke thought he had Fleury beat, but Bobby Scuds was there to chip it back out. How is Bobby Scuds always in position?
You're still crying at the beauty of the play when TK sends Staal and Fedotenko up on a 2-on-1. Derek Morris tries to take away Fedo's shooting lane, ends up giving Pittsburgh the gift of deflection.
Henrik flips out on his own defenseman like a classless bitch.
We smell a locker room cancer.

THE REASON BABY JESUS CRIES ABOUT EVEN-UPS
Cooke to the box for being Matt Cooke. Nothing blahblahblah.
Marc Staal gets penalized for throwing punches, which is apparently high sticking nowadays.
Guerin gets some bullshit interference call four seconds later and we have to play 4-on-4. Some people try to make dinner in Fleury's kitchen. 3-3.
Antropov should make a career out of scoring against the Penguins because we don't think he really does anything else.

Rangers take two straight penalties, nothing happens.
Period.

ANGRIEST JOHN TORTORELLA
Orpik gets sent to the box like 0.03 seconds into the third. Killed.
Then Colton Orr decides Mark Eaton isn't allowed to play defense anymore and smashes his face into the boards. The refs call a 5-minute major for interference, which means the Penguins get a power play that last for five minutes and doesn't even go away if they manage to bury it. But you think they'll probably need five minutes anyway. Orr is also given a game misconduct because he's a thug.

Just as Errey says "watch for the even-up" Marc Staal goes diving and we have to play more 4-on-4. Nothing.

When the Pens finally set up shop on the ensuing power play, it's a fucking joke. The best part is that the Rangers apparently didn't have anybody ready to come out of the box when it expired, so the Pens were still playing 5-on-4 and the Rangers couldn't get anyone new on until the whistle blew. Thank goodness they can ice it.
Torts flips shit. To no avail.
Clutch Beatles hoodie.

PASS THAT DIDN'T LEAD TO ANYTHING, BUT SHOULD BE EXAMINED ANYWAY
How did Crosby find Malkin coming down the right side from his fucking stomach between a defenseman's legs?
If Malkin manages to score on that, someone pees their pants.
Though apparently Marc Staal already shit himself. (Red pants = always look so grimy.)

MOMENT THAT HAPPENS EVERY SINGLE TIME THE PENS PLAY THE RANGERS
It's a Pittsburgh vs. NYR tradition. Stories are told to children as bedtime tales. Grown men get wistful looks in their eyes when they watch it. The women and girls bring their hands to their throats, unsure if they should cry or scream.
Every single game, at least once, Sidney Crosby absolutely fucking undresses Wade Redden for a good scoring chance.
Sometimes he buries it, sometimes he doesn't, but by this point it's written in the stars.
And, this time, it's 4-3.
Everyone stands and salutes, in honor of the fallen, Wade Redden the Pylon.
And hey, let's give credit here: Fedotenko with another perfect breakout pass.
WOOOOOOOO

BEST EFFORTS TO KEEP THIS A ONE-GOAL GAME
No one really gives a shit anymore, so Errey starts whipping out the clutch commentary.
"Did you say Korpikoski or cup of coffee? I was confused there for a minute!"
We fantasize about how one day Talbot will be someone's French Canadian Bob Errey running the color commentary like a stone-cold pimp.

Fleury does all the little things right. Makes some huge saves.

Pens end up with a 5-on-3 as the Rangers would rather take hooking and tripping penalties than let this goddamned game end already. Pens still can't get that empty netter. The empty net in the visitor's end at Mellon Arena has a better save percentage than Tim Thomas.

Thank god this game had no flow to it.
PENS WIN
4-3
FIFTH PLACE CITY

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

DRUNKEST
May have at one point been familiar with the Penguins roster. Now substitutes "pregame preparations" for "furtively sipping out of his hip flask."
Jesus Paul Alexander is annoying.

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Max Talbot - He was flying. Good job, baby. As per some douche from some website, how much for mustache rides? More importantly, why wasn't Max in this video? (Big ups to Allison for the link.)
2. Brooks Orpik - Beast. 3 hits, assist city. Like many Penguins defensemen, has already hit a career high for points this season.
3. Wade Redden - When your defensive game amounts to standing still and trying to hook people, you know you're doing quite well.

Pens are off for about ten years so we'll try to think of other exciting things to entertain you.
WOOOOOOO.
What a game.

Oh, and by the way, the March portion of Comeback City has been completed. If you're running a portable computer version, feel free to use the auto-sum feature in your favorite spreadsheet program:
Damn straight, bitches.
Go Pens.

LATE EDIT
GODDAMN IT NEW JERSEY CAN'T WE FUCKING TRUST YOU
This should have been the game-winner. Brodeur was posting a shutout with 40+ saves until the latter half of the third when team EStaal turned him into a woman. Carolina wins, 2-1.

Philly and the Islanders are about to go to OT or something. Vomit.

Panthers suddenly on top of the Stars for no apparent reason (probably the Jack in Turco's water bottle).

CBJ currently losing to St. Louis.

And to think this all started out so well.

Friday, March 27, 2009

CRASH MY NET FRIDAY

It's amazing how rapidly seasons come to an end. One minute we're all screaming "It's only November!" and the next we're wondering how best to sell our bodies for playoff tickets.

There are no Friday night games left in the regular season, meaning that we'll have a couple of chances left to talk about who can and absolutely cannot crash our nets. If you've wondered what they're working their asses off for, it's the fact that the boys know there are only a few awards left before golf season and then it's one long, hot summer to think about what they did wrong to not earn one in 08/09.

Today we're letting one man off the hook. He can relax and enjoy his summer knowing he did what he was supposed to do.

HAL GILL CAN CRASH MY NET

Harold Priestly is a fucking beast. There's nothing quite like watching him try to play the new system, because he is a true defensive defenseman (even more so than Brooks Orpik) and that makes for hilarity when he is called to join offensive plays. The man is like a steam engine; it takes him roughly ten years to reach full speed, but once he gets going, ain't shit going to stop him.

This makes him great at standing in the way and blocking shit and generally making people wish the Penguins had 6'7, 250 pounds and one long stick fewer than they do currently. But somehow, and we really are still mystified, he seems to be thriving just as much as some of the other guys in this new system. He can handle having to apply offensive pressure, he can handle the quick pace, and as we fucking know now, he can handle jumping in on rushes. Not that we ever expected Hal Gill to let us down, we just didn't know he would amaze us like this.

Hal, baby, your place or mine?

BEST FEATURE
When searching for Skillzy's best feature, there's a lot of fucking territory to cover.
Holmstrom knows what we're talking about. That facial expression has "I don't even know where to begin" all over it.

But in the end, it came down to something a little different. We both solidly agree on what we find most sexy about Hal Gill.

That video accurately highlights our two favorite things about Hal. His voice, and that wicked scar on his right cheek. We think he fought a tiger. We fully appreciate manliness.

LAST SURGE OF DESIRE
We have to use this picture again.
Find us the person who took that photo. They get an assist on this net crashing.

THE WHOLESOMENESS PART OF IT

Lest you forget, it was Hal Gill's idea to visit the kids at the Pittsburgh Children's Hospital an extra time this past winter, a video that is still unacceptably adorable. This was nothing new for Hal, he also took charge of the Children's Hospital visits when he was a Bruin. There is nothing more heartwarming that a man who cares.
Or just a man with children in general.

WHAT HAPPENS THE MORNING AFTER
I KNOW, RIGHT?!


CONVERSELY, WHO IS NOT EVEN ALLOWED NEAR OUR NETS


HENRIK LUNDQVIST

Just in case we haven't said it enough.


SECONDARY ASSIST ON THE NET CRASHING
Several players are getting secondary assists. Shut the fuck up, we make the rules here.

ERIC GODARD

For doing unspeakably adorable and charitable things.
Find full coverage on how this event came to be - at least in the eyes of one of our favorite deranged individuals - here.

JASON CHIMERA
We know, we know, this is technically breaking some rules. But reader Jessica sent us an email with this story in it, and our hearts were ripped into a million pieces.

Warning, in that article you find such quotes as:
"If it wasn't for them, I don't think Ryan would be here today," his father said. "It's really one of the things he has been holding on to. He wants to go to a Blue Jackets' playoff game."

And this...

Chimera, who's nursing a groin injury, also has been a frequent guest at Salmons' bedside the past two weeks. He watched the first two periods of Tuesday night's game against Tampa Bay in Salmons' living room.

"Ryan has such a zest for life," Chimera said. "It's gotten to the point where I want to see him as much as I can and I've told my wife that. Anyone who can endure what he's had to endure and do it with a smile on his face is really special."

It's mostly extremely soul crushing. You can watch the video with Chimera and Ryan here.


So, there you have it, one more net crashing award down, not very many to go. Like I'm going to do the math. The Isles are currently blanking DET 2-0, and we kind of hope it stays that way, because that would just be glorious.
We hope your Friday night is better than Colby Armstrong's, as he is not only dying alive in Atlanta, but also missing a BSpears concert. Poor Colbs. (Proof of love at 4:55)

Hockey tomorrow.
Thank Curry.
Go Pens.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

why do we care so much?

Whereas before we were dealing with like four Pens games every week, including back-to-backs and difficult weekends, we're being eased back into a much easier schedule. The Penguins play the Rangers in a 1:00PM game this Saturday. . .and then they're off until next Wednesday when Daddy Brodeur rolls into town (in his pimp stretch SUV, with spinning rims, and the shine of platinum and diamonds on each finger). What does all of this mean?



Well, we'll at least pretend that it means something in our epic quest to generate original content.

Points of interest today:

1. The MVP debate is getting crazier than ever. Suddenly people are pretending that Datsyuk is good for anything besides being soulless, wearing bowties, and winning the Lady Byng. Parise's name is being thrown around. You know who we think the best player in the world is. People who don't think Malkin saved this team (for the second fucking year running) just don't pay attention to the Penguins. We feel sorry for them. While we agree that many things have aided the Penguins (coaching change, the additions of Kunitz and Guerin), the Pens are also 16-4-3 since this happened:
He lit the fire, we believe the management and ownership responded.
If the team wasn't still showing heart, it might have made more sense to let them stumble around until the offseason, when the moves would be easier to make and the free agent pool was solidified. That's business.
But, like Sir Errey said, it was one of those games that can turn a season.
Malkin is pretty much the blood and guts of this team.
But we won't go off on this tangent again.
Malkin = a most deserved MVP candidate.

2. Sweet Cal is at it again. The buzz over the past few days has been the fact that Malkin made fucking jam pierogies with Alyonka Larionov, and then Kris Letang showed up in some unreal shirt, brought into your home by the glory of Pens TV. But if you really want some quality NHL video, we suggest you head over to Wild TV and look up Cal Clutterbuck. We recently discovered this gem from February as a result of a conversation with reader Allison, who apparently had yet to hear Cal's sweet voice. We went on the hunt for Cal video and were rewarded mightily:

The real star of the video, however, may be Barry Brust, who is apparently averse to pants.

Cal is also wont to make this face during pregame interviews:

We feel much closer to Cal after this afternoon.
Don't you?
Oh, Cal baby. Your sweet voice, sweet face, and knowing looks of great intensity.
There's just something about you.

3. CBJ vs. Calgary is the game to watch tonight.
If the Pens and Fleury can shut out the Calgary Flames after both teams played very decent games, winning on goals from their defensemen, we fully believe that Steve Mason and the Blue Jackets can embarrass them further.
If there's one thing we learned about Steve when the Pens lost to the Jackets earlier this month, it's that he's not fucking scared of anyone.
He was asked after the Pens/Jackets game "What kind of adrenaline rush do you get when you face shooters like that?" in regards to Crosby and Malkin.
Steve's answer? "I don't." His expression and tone: pure apathy.
Most people, we say things like, "Bullshit, you were shitting your goddamn pants, you coward." But, if you watch at 3:40, I'm sure you'll join us in believing him.
Therefore, keeping dudes like Cammalleri off the scoresheet shouldn't be a fucking problem.

4. Because the Pens' schedule is thinning out before the final big playoff push, you'd think that the other teams in the league would be able to start catching up and losing some games already. Well, maybe.
The Flyers particularly have three games in hand, and will still have a game in hand after Wednesday. They'll be caught up on Friday after a home-and-home with the Leafs.
If the Pens win both of their next two games and pull ahead to 92 points, that will be awesome. However, barring some heroics on the parts of the Isles, the Panthers, and Toronto, the Pens might have some trouble stealing the four spot. We're counting on Boston to beat them and we think the Panthers have a good chance. The Flyers getting six out of their ten available points over the next eight days kind of makes us want to puke, but we'll get over it if it happens. The Leafs taking one of those games would be phenomenal--and you know how we feel about the Leafs, right?
Gerber got himself suspended. It'd be nice to see Pogge get a win.

Rags pull even in the "Games Played" column tonight versus Team Colby. Go Atlanta.

Habs won't pull even until Tuesday. They'll probably lose a bunch. Lightning tonight, Sabres on Saturday, and Blackhawks next week. We're pretty sure they're not catching us anyway. But we'd hate to be stunned and wrong in a week's time.

Panthers pull even tonight when they play their aforementioned game against the Flyers. Go Kitties, you deformed motherfuckers.

By the time we meet the Debbies next week, we'll have a game in hand on them. Sick. (We are indeed the kinds of fans that like to think in our spare time that the Pens will go undefeated for the rest of the year and that everyone else will failboat and we'll clinch the division. It's a little something called HOPE. But after the emotional roller coaster of this season, we'd still be satisfied with the eight spot. We're not greedy.)

Oh, and the Canes are going down, April 4th. Mark your calendars, highlight it "huge" on your Comeback City.
Time to wipe that smug look off of Pillow Lips Staal's face.

We hope this was an entertaining off-day for you.
We slept until 1PM and have no idea what's going on.
Go Pens.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

the streets are full of anything you want.

Unfuckingbelievable.
Are we making this up? We've been known to make up some amazing games.
But we really think that this one happened.

This is the type of game we've been aching for.
A small part of us has been so occupied by getting to and staying in the playoff rankings that we sometimes forget what comes after grabbing a spot in the top eight. A game like this snapped us back into reality. We are in the playoffs, that isn't the question anymore. The question is now how far we can go in the playoffs. And after this game, for the first time this season, our main thoughts are about pouring the brandy.

There's no denying that this win was something exciting. Calgary knows our new system, it's the one they've been using for much longer than we have. We were playing for the rights to say who played the system better. Tonight, that was the Penguins. And it was incredible.

These awards are the least we can do.

MOST THREATS TO MIIKKA KIPRUSOFF'S LIFE
We can't lie. We kind of like Miikka. Is it really any surprise? He's Finnish and a goalie, what would keep us away? If you've been around for even three posts, you know us too well to expect any more from us.
Luckily this doesn't cloud our vision any.
Miikka skates onto the ice.

You are still yelling at the bitch in the kitchen to fetch you a beer -be they male or female, just so long as you don't have to get your ass up- when Gonch hooks a bitch. You're having nightmares about a special teams show and then everyone reminds you how great Calgary is at the PP. Which isn't very. They're pleased to show us first hand.

We're watching Miikka just in case we have to catch a flight to Pittsburgh and tell him what the fuck is what in order to calm him down.

We're checking airfare prices when Sarich asks to see our power play.

FASTEST FLIGHT CANCELED
We're starting out on the power play and our fingers are poised and ready to click on that "purchase" button.
You might think that's a pretty expensive flight to get into Pittsburgh, but really, when you realize that you're actually paying to get out of Philadelphia, it all becomes quite a bargain.

What would we do when we got to Mellon? Kill Miikka? Kill Mike Yeo? Just yell at the people manning the doors who wouldn't let us in so heavily armed?

We don't have time to think about it. Kunitz and Crosby throw the puck around the net. Tanger sees what's going on, makes sure it gets finished.
It was amazing. MAF is so excited he can't even hang onto a stick for more than five seconds. He keeps throwing them off in celebration.

MOST AWKWARD PHOTO OF THE EVENING
We can't even bring ourselves to caption this. If you are a stronger person, send it our way.

THE MOMENT WE HAVE TO TALK ABOUT OR WE WOULDN'T BE OURSELVES
Talbot says what's up to the penalty box.
Moss gets fucking robbed by our goalpost. He'll have nightmares about that sound of metal for the rest of the week.
Feds gets a great chance out of the box from a penalty, nothing happens.
And then it starts. For some reason Crozier is brought up. Zoe was dying alive with TSN and I was doing Curry knows what when Bob Errey starts screaming about waffles.
Normally we know it's Steiggy and Errey who are high.
But sometimes they really make you wonder if you did anything unsavory in the past hour or so.
"DID YOU SEE WHAT HE WAS WEARING IT LOOKED JUST LIKE A WAFFLE. BUT IT WAS KINDA SQUARE, WAFFLES ARE ROUND NOW."

What. The. Fuck.
By the end of the period Max Talbot is so delirious from all of the breakfast food talk that he is trying to scale the wall into the press box, eyes unfocused, singing "Do You Like Waffles" in a voice that onlookers could only describe as deranged.

INTERMISSION UPDATE Tonight's infestation of penguins in our press comes from the zoo of Wuppertal. They don't even have names. North and South would kick their asses, inferior size be damned.

BACK TO THE AWARDS.

MOMENT VOMIT INDUCING YET GLEE INSPIRING SERIES OF EMOTIONS
We come out into the second look like we're hungry for it.
Everything is going pretty well.
And then Glencross and Moss take the puck to the net.
For a split second you feel sick.
You want to scream.
You might want to cry, but we won't make you admit it.
And then...
Maf reminds you that he's got this. You feel like you have a second lease on life. You will spend it watching hockey.

Steiggy and Errey start talking about Finnish goalies.
Excuse me, gentlemen.
Waffles and Finnish goalies?
We think we've found our prime market, and they're getting stoned in the press box.

MOST PREMATURE AWARDING OF STARS
We're watching Skillzy operate like he's a third line left winger with our jaws on the floor. It's suddenly like it doesn't take him as much time as a steam engine to gain momentum. He is jumping in on every rush. It's kind of beautiful.

Not caught up in the glory of pretending he's a forward, he's still being Hal Gill.
We're already talking about giving him an alternative star, meaning we weren't sold on the idea that they'd give him a real one. Oh, how the night would change us.

Fun fact. Hal Gill is our Andrew Murray.
When Lord Andrew scores for the Jackets, they win 100% of the time.
Hal Gill. Three goals, three wins.
We smell a new superstition.

MOST CHIVALROUS
Fleury ruins some hopes and dreams, and the Flames take the chance to start a scrum in front of the net. Someone takes down Gonch. Max Talbot is not pleased.
"Oh, hey there Jarome. Could you tell your sisters I said what's up for me? Yeah? Thanks."

Malks almost takes over the world on a play that would have made the career highlight reels, gets a penalty instead. Mamma Malkin didn't look pleased. We love her.

The period ends. Max Talbot knows everything about hockey and life and would love to tell us via Dan Potash. Even when he's making complete sense that boy just strikes us as completely retarded. We love him to death.

BEST PLAY ALL SEASON
We're just trying to send telepathic vibes to the boys to not fuck up. With a one goal lead we are fearful for our lives because as the mythological figure Michel Therrien(MFMT)once said, we are playing for life.

We start flipping out when we see the most artful poke check from Scuds we've seen in a while. We're so bleary eyed with delight we almost miss that the poke check CAUSED.

Hal Gill picks up the puck and shoots it forward to Malkin. You can see the wheels in his head turning. "Shit...this needs a follow up." He heads up alongside Malkin. Malkin know Skillzy's got it in him. Sends it back.
Best press capture all season.

You are still crying for joy.

MOST INSULTING TWO MINUTES TO GOALIES EVERYWHERE
Miikka heads off to the bench to give the Flames the extra attacker. Everyone takes some shots at the empty net from our own zone, even MAF tries his luck. But then we get it out of our own zone and into theirs. The following moments are a shit show.

We viciously attack the empty net like it is the most formidable opponent we've met all season. We can't get anything past that open ice. We want to nominate that net for the Vezina, please.

FSN shows us a shot of MAF as our boys are looking like douchebags in the offensive zone. He's laughing. He's wondering why goalies even exist at all. Actually...what the fuck is going on here? The boys are laughing too. What the hell has this become? It's like they all got so giddy imagining what they were going to do with the Cup when this game was over that they couldn't focus enough to sink one in.

Sorry boys, this wasn't game seven of the SCF. And you can't win the cup if you can't even fucking shoot an empty net.

Wait, what? Shut out?
Fine, we forgive you this time.

PENS 2 FLAMES 0
PENS WIN


INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

MOST DESERVING OF A LAME PHOTOSHOP JOKE

LEAST HELPFUL TO THE PENGUINS EFFORT
FOR CHRISTS SAKE ERIC THERE IS NOTHING FUCKING BEHIND ME NOW COULD YOU PLEASE JUST LOSE A GAME ALREADY?

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS

1. Sidney Crosby
We don't give Crosby a lot of excess love here at Puck Huffers. This is mostly because we like to treat him like we treat other players and not do what the rest of the world does, which is either make him a hero or a villain in some sort of drama fest. We're sure if you've been with us for a while you've picked up where we stand on Crosby issues, but we're not wasting our time making posts about it. But we will take this opportunity to give him an alternative star - we rarely have a chance to because even other arenas like to award him real stars in games he maybe didn't deserve them in - and note that he fucking worked hard tonight. We may not see things straight down the Penguins lines all the time in regards to the kid, and sometimes we feel like he gets more attention - both negative and positive - than is healthy, but that has nothing to do with him as a player or a person. As a player and a person, he is our captain, and we fucking respect that.

2. Tyler Kennedy
Wants it so bad he can taste it.

3. Miikka Kiprusoff- Tried hard. We will personally organize the memorial service. Word of advice - spell you name differently. What can you expect when "soff" is right in your title?


We played hard.
The boys worked their asses off and earned every inch. The Flames played a solid game of hockey. We just played a more solid one. The press was huge tonight. They've been unreal. Apparently when you start winning more cameras start showing up, which makes our job easier.

We've got a couple of days to relax before we have to take over the world again. We'll be here.

Go Pens.
 
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Puck Huffers by Kimberly Davidson and Zoë Hayden is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.