Saturday, January 31, 2009

upgrade or downgrade?

Okay, I want you all to put yourselves in a scenario. It's late on a cold January night, you're about half-drunk coming home from a friend's place, and you need to drive through McDonald's. Bad. You get the dollar menu double cheeseburgers that you so desperately want. You get the small fries. You remember to ask for ketchup. Everything is going pretty well. I mean, it's McDonald's, but you couldn't have asked for anything more. Just got to eat this shit so you can go home and pass out. You're driving, smiling to yourself, and you reach towards the center console--

Fuck.

You didn't get a Coke. By the time you make it home these burgers won't even taste good anymore.

That's kind of how this felt. Everything was about to be okay, we were about to get back in it. Little did we realize that Jason Blake was lurking and Luke Schenn was determined to stick his cock up the team's collective ass and thrust away.

Vesa got the win? Maybe his fans don't hate him after this? It's the only thing we can positively take away from this.

Well, actually there are many things we'd like to assess for you. You're familiar with our awards-show style format, which is often adopted by celebrity/pop culture blogs that thrive on discussing trashy shit. If you've ever read a trashy gossip mag, you're also familiar with the idea of "upgrade or downgrade." Perhaps some whore has a new boyfriend and the world of journalism has taken it upon themselves to decide whether or not he's better than her last one.

We will take it upon ourselves to be judgmental bitches about everything that happened tonight. Is it better than the last time we last thought about it?

When you forgot to order a Coke, that was a serious DOWNGRADE. You were forced to eat the burgers alone in the dark in your kitchen, cold as they were, with flat ginger ale that you found in the back of the fridge. What the fuck is wrong with you?

Let's get started here.

STEIGGY AND ERREY

UPGRADE
Rare form tonight.
Bob Errey discussed himself in the third person.
Steigerwald called Mats Sundin a hypocrite.
They were willing to call out the team throughout the game when they weren't performing, and they were obviously not impressed with Garon and not afraid to say it. Thank you, gentlemen. But is there ever really a downgrade possible when it's Bob Errey and Paul Steigerwald? I mean, yeah, we all want Mike Lange back. But we're being realistic here. At least we don't have that joke from Tampa Bay radio. Remember him? I bet you're sorry I even mentioned it.

MAXIME TALBOT AND MIROSLAV SATAN
Talbot played balls out. He's back to his old self and isn't playing like he's hurt anymore. He had a +2 tonight, probably just so he could laugh in the face of everyone who is accusing him of being shit. Assisted on that goal by Miroslav Satan. Miroslav Satan = has a slapshot? Who knew? Seriously. Not to mention that sick backhander he flipped in front shortly after the Blake goal. He wanted it. UPGRADE

MATHIEU GARON

This is hard. We're not sure.
It's hard to say what kind of night this would have been if Dany Sabourin were in net. No one really knows. We almost feel like Sabu was never even here. Marc-André Fleury, however, probably would have gotten the win. And John Curry? Probably would have looked like he cared more. Sorry, Mathieu. We didn't know what to expect and there was some soff shit happening around you all night. DOWNGRADE for the time being. I know it was hard to start on the road, having never played for this team before, feeling like all eyes were on you, but there were some things you should have done to make it better. The Ponikarovsky goal comes to mind. What the Jesus fucking Christ was that? Then again, you didn't have a lot of help, because. . .

THE PENGUINS DEFENSE
Just when we thought you couldn't care less.
DOWNGRADE
Where the fuck were Orpik and Scuderi on that Stajan goal?
Luke Schenn waltzed in like he was the only man on the ice to get it towards Garon.
Brooksie, when you see a man walking in on your goaltender, you pressure him. You don't just watch him. Speaking of which. . .

LUKE SCHENN

Could have picked a better night for his fucking bildungsroman.
What a player.
UPGRADE for the Leafs.
This picture might not tell the whole story, but President Tyler Kennedy feels no pain. None whatsoever. What a player.

MARK EATON
Isn't actually involved in this defensive breakdown.
He was still playing his game, during which he was blocking shots, throwing his body around, and generally not fucking up.
Seeing Eaton show up like this is making us weep insatiably.
WHERE IS EVERYONE ELSE
Mark thought it was time for that oft-mentioned "playoff push." He brought pizza and a case of beer. He's ready for the party. Why haven't you fuckers showed up?
UPGRADE, Mark Eaton. We love you so hard right now.

VESA TOSKALA

Leafs fans really don't like Vesa Toskala. They get drunk just thinking about the poor man.
Tyler Kennedy's slapshot eluded him for what should have been an easy save.
But he was also standing tall in the first period when his team was bitching out.
Their team has won two straight. We pray for that every game.
UPGRADE

EVGENI MALKIN
On a completely different level than everyone else, as always. UPGRADE

BILLY THOMAS

Hugest UPGRADE in a long ass time. Michael Zigomanis, Jr.

THE PENGUINS ON ANY TYPE OF SPECIAL TEAMS SITUATION
Mike Yeo should have been rotting at the bottom of the Mon weeks ago.
Not even commenting.

THE THIRD PERIOD
You watched the game, you know the Pens were having one of those third periods destined for the history books. They scored three times--they didn't even notice when Matt Stajan tried to collectively ride them like bitches off into the sunset. They even did a good job staying out of the box. Cooke's ability to battle for positioning and possession led to Crosby's goal--the tripping call kind of cancels him out. But wasn't he fucking trying? What a human. What a player. What a man. What a fucking individual.

Score was tied. This was our time to shine. UPGRADE

JASON BLAKE

HUGLAGHUAGLAHAGUAHALGUALAHAG
HUALAGLAHAGHALAHAG
HLAGLAHAH
HUAGLAHAGHAHAGHAHAGHAHGHAGHAHFAHFBG
HFHAHGHJDKFLKSFJKLDJKLJLKFJLKJDLNSFKLVJ
Ten minutes should be enough for a team to score and get the big tie, but then again, maybe not.
DOWNGRADE

Mathieu Garon should have looked better than Vesa Toskala tonight. He probably should have been pulled after the third goal. We hate to be like that, but it's gone through our minds.

You are required by law to watch this video.




Sometimes we're not sure if the Pens even deserve to make the playoffs.
But if they can find a way to battle back, to not let this game affect them, Joe Esposito will probably have something to say on the matter.

Nothing is ever easy in the NHL, or at least it shouldn't be. That's why it's a big deal.

Think back to that failed McDonald's trip.
You pass out on the couch to City Confidential after throwing half of the fries away.
The next morning, it's sunny out, an infomercial for the SlapChop is blaring at you from the television, and someone's put the coffee on.
It's going to be a fun day.
Shake it off.

Here's the attitude we want to see:
Steiggy and Errey thought back to Jordan Staal's first NHL career hat trick, which took place versus the Leafs in February 2007.


They said that something different was going on back then. All the young players. All the energy.
We agree.
Back then, the Pens could play differently because no one expected them to do anything.
When you're the underdog, you feel invisible. You go into a building and everyone is like, "Who are these jokes?" You proceed to stun them and laugh maniacally while doing so. Every shift is an opportunity to prove yourself. Every little thing you do right is an improvement.
The Pittsburgh Penguins went from being the underdog to one of the best in the entire world way too quickly, and simply couldn't handle it. It's like growing up too fast. Something awkward gets stuck in your heart. You don't believe in anything anymore. Your joy is manufactured, your imagination is shot.
We want to see the Pens be those kids again. The Stanley Cup Finals last season obviously aged them beyond their years, got them jaded and confused.
It's time to fall so hard so many times that it stops hurting.

There's no such thing as "right" and "wrong" anymore.
You don't get consistency by just saying you need it.
When the offense is good the defense is bad, when the defense is good the offense is bad, yada yada yada.
No rules, no explanations, and, most of all, no expectations.
Throw them all away.
If you don't know who you are as a team, a long string of letdowns like this is where you might find out.
You might not find out until you miss the playoffs. You might not find out next year.
Time to find the grace in losing, that surge of energy you need when you're pushed into a corner.
Sometimes you need to downgrade before you can upgrade.
We say this because we probably care about this team and its players more than is healthy. Sometimes when you love someone you have to let them fuck up.

This is all rhetoric.
Whatever.
Tomorrow is Why This Week Didn't Suck. We'll spell it all out for you.

Pens vs. Leafs

I really don't have much to tell you.
Last night was a heartbreaker.
A win tonight would help ease the pain.

Here are some things you probably know already:

- Goligoski is playing fourth line wing in place of Biz Nasty, which made me very angry at first, jumpin' on the "fire HCMT" bandwagon n'at, but then it kind of made sense. Goligoski has been sitting the past few games and the coach probably knows he's a quality player and wants him out there. We have a serious dearth of defensemen and a trade of one of them seems likely. When you're trading a guy who isn't a proven veteran (i.e. almost every man on the Pens' defensive squad) you have to show him off before you can trade him. A lot of Pens fans are calling for Whitney's head. We're not on this particular train--we love Whitney. But it's clearly a possibility and Gogo is a solid player who doesn't deserve to sit. If fourth line wing is the only way he can skate, maybe it's an okay idea to keep him in the team mentality and make sure he doesn't get cold, so to speak. We love the kid. Dearly. Hopefully he can see some power play time, too.

- Harold Priestley is in. Boucher out. Epic puck-clearing abilities ahoy.

- GARON TIME, BITCHES.

- If Sykora doesn't skate more than 16-17 minutes, we will personally meet the Pens in Montreal and punch some people in the fucking face.

So, that's the news from the Pens front. On the Maple Leafs front?


These are two boys we hate to root against.
But for the time being, we're going to have to pretend that Vesa is Cam Ward and Luke is Chris Pronger. In other words, tonight we have to hate them.
Because we need these points and they have to go down.
Sorry, gentlemen. It's just business.

Go Pens.

Friday, January 30, 2009

throw a parade in wilmington fucking delaware.

EXCUSE ME EVERYONE IN ATTENDANCE TONIGHT.
CAN YOU FUCKING BELIEVE THIS?
NEITHER CAN WE.

You know, normally we sit here and tell you how Brooks Orpik is the manliest fuck on the planet, how virtuous Scuds is, how Whits is just a saving fucking grace, and then we gripe a lot about Mark Eaton.

Not today. Oh no, not after the defensive meltdown of two-thousand-fucking-nine happened out there on the ice today. Eaton appeared out of nowhere and took over and almost managed to save us despite all of the tomfoolery.

MAF should get to punch these guys in the balls for ruining his awesome, show-stopping game.

We love you boys, but we are livid.
These awards...
Fucking take them and don't look us in the eyes.

THE MOMENT YOU WERE PROBABLY BITCHING ABOUT TOO MUCH
We had the New Jersey broadcast of this shit, but it all started out the same way. Doc Emrick was being honored for some shit and you were probably too busy being a dickhead to pay attention to the amazing ceremony. Seriously. It was fantastic. Thinking about is calming my anger for like ten seconds.
First of all, this haircut got to take the stage for a minute:Those of us paying attention got to meet Joyceann, Mary, brother Dan and Ryan Salt. If you didn't appreciate that cast of characters you're out of your fucking mind.
Then Doc talked for like ten seconds and thanked both teams because he's a class act. And then he got some prizes we would kill for like this amazing etched glass:
LOOK HOW ENVIOUS EVERYONE IS.

He even got this amazing painting.
The resemblance is fucking uncanny.


MOST REPRESENTATIVE MOMENT OF THE ENTIRE GAME
From the first five minutes you could tell the entire mood of the game. Fleury is already making enormous saves. The man is on fire. Maxime and Pascal are acting like Crosby and Malkin, looking hungry and alive. They are tearing down the ice for any shit that they can see. It's clear that they are not taking this lightly. Eaton is after the puck like it's what made him suck the past few seasons and he wants some revenge.

Our forwards are like fucking velociraptors ganging up on any stray shit. When it gets through, MAF is doing his best impersonation of a net filled with cinder blocks. It is clear that we are just not letting this shit happen tonight.

Minard gets some lame delay of game shit. Not like we care. Not like we're going to let anything happen.

GOAL YOU BARELY NOTICED BECAUSE YOU WERE STILL SCREAMING ABOUT THE ONE BEFORE IT
Whits sends the puck flying from the point and Talbot meets it halfway. He takes it to a seedy motel and makes sweet, sweet love to it. Completely inspired, it leaves straight for the net.

You haven't even stopped talking about it when Malkin, Sykora and Crosby make some magic happen.

It's 2-0 and you have no clue what's going on.
But you know it's good.

BEST FORESHADOWING THAT YOU DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE
Holik answers one of the goals pretty quickly.

You don't care. Our boys have fire in their eyes.
You watch the replay.
Was that...
No...that wasn't Whits being soff on his guy.
Was it?
No.
But...
Maybe?

You put it into the back of your mind and resolve not to worry about it ever again.
Minard takes your mind off of it by almost getting one in but John Madden saves it on the line in a way reminiscent of Eaton's famous toe catch.

Brooksy gets called for interference shortly after.
Whits fucking up behind the net flashes in your mind.
No, no. It's all just a coincidence.

FORWARD ACTION WE'VE MOST DESPERATELY MISSED

The Devils' PP is more ridiculous than we could have imagined. To start it off Talbot makes you think he's going to get the shortie breakaway we call him getting every game. We're pissed when he leaves us wanting more. Little did we know it was just foreplay.

Then Dupuis takes it into Devils' territory, maneuvering around what seemed like the entire team. It's Dupuis versus the fucking world for a few seconds. He makes it look easy. When the Devils finally decide to throw something at the net, MAF is a fucking wall. The period ends with the shots at 18-7 but the score at 2-1. Eat it.

MOST IMPRESSIVE START TO A PERIOD YOU'VE SEEN SINCE TWENTY MINUTES AGO

The second period starts out like you want it to. The Devils do some great work around the net that really just serves as good PR for Fleury, who is fucking relentless. In case you weren't impressed he threw in a diving poke check for shits and giggles and highlight reels.

Billy Thomas finally gets it out and you could mistake him for Crosby, tearing down the ice through a screen of opposition like that.

You learn that Shane Doan is apparently the new Petr Sykora as far as two goal games go. Sorry Shane Doan, we really don't feel anything for you. You should be happy with two goals in a game. Don't bitch to us about it...wait a second...
...did MAF just check Clarkson? What? Devils television refers to MAF's puck handling as "mysterious." We have other words for it but we won't talk about it. Man had an unreal game.

Brooks Orpik gets crosschecked and we have a chance to widen the gap. Do it, boys.

MOST REDEEMING MOMENTS OF THE BROADCAST
Sorry, anyone watching FSN. You got to hear Bob Errey and Steiggy. We didn't. So we don't feel that bad that you had to miss possibly the greatest moments
in sports broadcasting history.

Take a long, hard look at that photo. We had to. For a very, very long time that was all that was visible on our screen.
Those are Doc's newest dogs.
One is totally uninspired and we don't care about it.
The other one?
The other one is named JoyBells.
We're both naming our first born after it.

Somewhere in a faraway land, hockey is being played. Allegedly the Devils keep us to the outside and kill the PP pretty well. Really? Is that so? Can we take a look?
No? Okay.
We're laughing too hard about JoyBells to care anyway.

Eventually we part ways with JoyBells to see Mike Lange compliment Doc for a second. We can handle that. We will take any opportunity to gaze lovingly at Mike Lange.

When we get back to hockey, TK is being a beast and MAF is standing tall.
Nothing different from before we took our JoyBells break, really.

WORST PENALTY ALL SEASON NOT CALLED ON MATT COOKE

Can someone explain this to us?
Even the Devils announcers were baffled.
Crosby viciously attacks the air, and the refs aren't fucking taking that shit, no way no how. You can't just attack the FUCKING AIR LIKE THAT WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.

Crosby's lucky they didn't throw him the fuck out. Hell, SUSPENSION COULD BE JUST AROUND THE CORNER. The league has got to crack down on this shit. AND THEN HE HAS THE NERVE TO FUCKING COMPLAIN ABOUT IT.

You are so ashamed of him. What a pussy ass whiner.

MAF kills the first half of the Devils PP. Intermission is close behind to help out.

MOMENT THAT MADE YOU CRINGE UNCOMFORTABLY AND PROBABLY CRY

After the intermission break MAF easily finishes off the rest of the PK despite some of our defensemen's best efforts for the Devils cause. He's not worried about shit. He's on fire. we get the puck onto their ice, they send it back, we exchange Christmas cards, nothing much gets done.

Somewhere behind the play Malkin is crumpled on the ice in pain. A clean hit at an awkward angle left him dry heaving and looking like he was about to fucking die. While kind of relieved that he wasn't clutching at an arm, you were just praying that he didn't have a collapsed lung. Jesus.

He manages his way to the bench, still looking like he is in an incredible amount of pain. Anyone who has ever played any sort of sport competitively felt his pain. That shit sucks.

BEST REVENGE FOR SHIT THAT SUCKS
No matter how crippling the it is initially, the pain of a hard chest hit goes away pretty quickly. And leaves you pissed. Malkin turned it into gold.

100th goal, bitches.

MOST CURIOSITY PROVOKING PENALTY
Sykie allegedly hooks Zajac. Upon review, we're not convinced. Upon even further review we find out he's getting unsportsmanlike conduct added to the laundry list of fucking horrible calls. We made a call to check up on the FSN opinion on why the fuck this was going down, and still no one knows.

Apparently Petr said a bad, bad thing.
We're not surprised. We just assume it was something like "I WILL FUCKING TIE YOU TO THE HEADBOARD."
...Not that we've thought about this before.
OKAY FINE PETR WE WON'T MAKE YOU ASK TWICE BUT PLEASE STOP LOOKING AT US LIKE THAT, JESUS.

MOMENT IT ALL WENT TO HELL AND YOU CLAWED YOUR FUCKING EYES OUT
Right away Shanny tosses one in over MAF's head. You're kind of nervous again, but the clock is winding down and you have A FEELING that we are getting this one. I mean, our forwards are fucking vicious, MAF is on fire, Eaton is suddenly the best defenseman in the NHL...

CHOKECHOKECHOKE
DEFENSIVE BREAK DOWN

Thirty fucking seconds. Srsly.

THE TOTAL VOMIT AWARD
Our forwards fucking wanted those two points. MAF was a beast.
Hockey sucks when you only have one defenseman.
PENS LOSE
4-3
OT

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

EXCUSE ME CAN YOU PLEASE FUCKING SHOW UP NEXT TIME KTHX



ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1.Marc-Andre Fleury- Was unreal. Just...unreal. Our defensemen owe him countless steak dinners for taking this game away from him.

2.Mark Eaton- We're done fucking with him for the whole season. Currently he's the best thing to every come out of Wilmington, Delaware. He actually gave a shit about this game. We can't speak enough about how happy we are with him.

3.Steve Mason- For shutting out Ottawa tonight.


Letting fans down as a whole is one thing. A small group of people fucking up the stellar performances of the rest of the group? That's just terrible. We understand that people have bad nights. Scuds can't always be perfect. Brooks was just back from an injury. Whits...well, we don't really fucking know. That was just kind of ugly. It happens, though.

Just don't let it happen again.
Please?

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Pens vs. Devils


Playing the Devils is like buying a grab bag at the dollar store. You can end up with some awesome fake mustaches and fun dip, or you can get fucked over and get some sort of pork rinds and a Tweety Bird figurine. It's all a toss up.

The Devils got a serious advantage with the addition of Shanny. We're all kind of jealous about that, don't lie. They haven't lost since he started playing, and they were winning before that too. They're at six in a row right now, something that we can hardly imagine at this point. We're fighting balls out for every win right now, we aren't even wasting time thinking about streaks. It'll probably be like that until the playoffs. It's a dog fight every game. It was a dog fight last time we played them.

We came out on top.

The Devils are playing the Bruins tonight. Maybe that'll break their streak, because everyone is still pretending like the Bruins can beat them. If so, we can kick them when they are down. If not, fuck it, we'll kick them on a seven game streak. We're in a mental position to win for the first time since November. We need to keep that edge.

As you know, we pride ourselves in being the #1 source for all of your Cal Clutterbuck needs. Which are so very, very plentiful. So if you haven't ventured over to Puck Daddy to see this gem you need to get on it now.

While we are avid in our Goligoski for Calder campaign and wouldn't mind if Steve Mason went home with the award, this Cal campaign beats us on slogan alone.It's true.
YOU CAN'T SPELL CALDER WITHOUT CAL.

Unreal.

There were some really great articles today. In case you missed them as they were posted on tPB, we'll hook you up. Sidney Crosby Has Become So Overrated He's Now Underrated
and Tough-Guy Reputation May Haunt Flyers. Both are fantastic articles. Also, make sure you read this one: Otter Tours Scotland in Postbag. Life changing.

Anyway, it's Thursday night and there's no Pens game. It's your chance to watch The Office and go get drunk. See ya out there.

Oh, and by the way, if you didn't notice we added a "best of" sidebar tool, which will directly link you to our more popular posts and includes links to all specific Crash My Net Fridays and Why He Is A Man features.

All for you, bitches.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

fuck da haterz

Everyone knew this game was important.
The Penguins needed these points.
The phrase "Our playoffs start today" rung in the ears of every Pens fan who tuned in.
Maybe you were playing the Staal Brothers drinking game to dull the pain.
But like any good drunken slut, the New York Rangers showed up at the party looking good and eventually ended up wasted and with their panties halfway down their thighs in the bathroom, vomiting profusely.

These awards have been a long time coming. Fuck the All-Star Game. Sorry if my skills are a little rusty.

MOMENT THAT YOU BARELY REMEMBERED BY THE END OF THE GAME
Colton Orr and Godard drop 'em three seconds in.

It was frankly looking like a stalemate until Godard threw a gigantic right.
Yeah, this totally set the tone. It's what the Pens have needed to do all season. Just show the other assholes you mean fucking business before you let them start playing their imaginary hockey game.
Colton Orr goes down. Godard is a hero. Play continues. The momentum will shift so many times throughout this game that we can't even keep track--but this started everything.

THE MOMENT YOU STARTED DRINKING
We'll keep you up with a shot count as the recap continues. It's all Rangers after the fight, unfortunately, and we are reminded that the Staals are brothers. That is ONE SHOT, everyone.


Whits realizes that Zherdev has arrived at the party.
WHY IS HE HERE WITH VOROS
HE LOOKS SO FAT IN THAT DRESS
I WOULD LOOK SO MUCH BETTER IN THAT DRESS
I SHOULD TELL EVERYONE HE'S BULIMIC

You think about mixing yourself a Robitussin cocktail. This could get bad.

YOUR FIRST INTENSE TEMPERATURE OF THE EVENING
Maybe you feel a little warm about the face with all this drinking. The Rangers are doing fucking everything. Then Minard shows everyone why he's such a goddamn warrior. He throws a bad angle shot at the net, to surprise Lundqvist, to get the goddamn rebound. Petr fucking Sykora knows where he needs to be.

We notice a little something different in Petr's goal celebration.
He's like FUCKING FUCKING YES BITCHES. I OWN YOUR FUCKING SWEDISH PRETTY BOY.
Boucher is celebrating along because he found Nikolai passed out on the lawn without his bra on. We won't have to worry about that bitch stealing our thunder.
You've got the Fever.

MOST EPIC PENALTY KILL
Crosby was destroying the lives of everyone on the entire team when Mara decides to put himself in the position of Dupuis' stick. Huge power play for the Rangers to really deflate us.
Fleury says no.
The puck won't get out.
This will be a recurring theme.
But Billy Thomas is everywhere. Cleared and killed.
Pittsburgh's favorite son. Move over, Ryan Malone.

THE MOMENT YOU KNEW MALKIN WAS GOING TO HAVE TO GET HIS POINTS QUIETLY AGAIN
Malkin rushes ahead leading a 4-on-2, but it's offside.
Then Malkin manages one of the more beautiful passes of the night to Dupuis, who can't bang it past Lundqvist.
He'll manage an assist later on and all to keep the Art Ross quest rolling, but really. We just wanted to see one of those things connect. Instant pregnancy.

The Rangers realize they're probably going to be outplayed and try to get away with the worst offside so far this season.
Period winds down.
THAT WAS FAST.
Back at the party, the keg hasn't even arrived yet.

BEST PROGNOSTICATOR IN THE NHL

Has a tendency to make shit happen.
He tells Potash during intermission that the Penguins are going to win.
Petr = saw the third period in a vision.
The second period wasn't invited.

BEST ATTEMPTS TO GET YOU DRUNK
You need to down two more shots to start the second when Jordan is referred to as the "sour Staal brother" for not being involved in the All-Star weekend and Thunder Bay makes a riveting appearance. That's THREE SHOTS.

Tyler Kennedy tries to get your attention back by having a Jesuslike shift with Satan.


BEST ATTEMPTS TO GET YOU SUICIDAL
Talbot goes hard to the net looking for a rebound, and Nigel Dawes thinks it's prime time to shove Max into Henrik. Max goes to the box for charging. Terrible call. Killed.

Then the Pens get stuck on a bad shift in the defensive zone with their penalty killers still on the ice. Malkin tries to clear it. Talbot tries to lift it past the Rangers defensemen. . .but it goes out. Delay of game penalty. No one knows what's going on.

Well, maybe not so bullshit if you, like us, got ahold of the alternate NHL rulebook that is occasionally used without warning. A sample:

Damn you, Iceburgh.
Almost a good idea that Matt Cooke wasn't playing tonight.

Killed faster than Marc-André Fleury's groin flexion.

Pens want it. Chances are everywhere. Nothing going in, though.

We are reminded as the period ends that the Staals are one of the most durable families in the NHL. If you're counting and haven't downed an entire bottle of Jack by now, that's FOUR SHOTS.

MOST HILARIOUS GOAL OF THE NIGHT (AND THERE WERE A LOT TO CHOOSE FROM)
Early in the third, J.Staal throws it in front and. . .it's in?

Honorary shot for the existence of this photograph. That's FIVE SHOTS.
Marc went off for holding like right after this happened.
STAALS STAALS STAALS

MOMENT WHEN THE PARTY STARTED GETTING REALLY UGLY
The Rangers defense starts doing Jagerbombs in the basement shortly after Marc Staal's penalty expires.
Letang walks into the living room and notices Lundqvist's girlfriend passed out under the pong table.

He just snapped it in. Effortless shit.
Suddenly it's 3-1.


"Kris, if you get the legs I'll pick her up under the arms and we can get her to my van."

BEST WEED
Errey is upstairs in some kid's bedroom and let's be honest, the quality of this shit is good. The bowl is going around and Errey lets the world know he wouldn't be surprised if Letang scored again.

It almost happens. You want some of that weed. But you're too busy trying to see if Malkin took any cell phone pictures of Henrik's girlfriend topless.

Penguins end up on the good side of a 5-on-3 because Redden and Kalinin are getting really, really drunk.
There's Sykora. No surprise there. One of those patented Sykora wristers that no one will ever be able to save. Ever.

Petr Fucking Fever, cunts.
4-1.

BIGGEST WHORE
Zherdev tried to dance with TK and Biz at the same time.
He better not do that if he doesn't want to get tag-teamed.
The "GO HOME RANGERS" chant makes an appearance, and Gomez and Naslund start leading a rush for a change.
"Hey Marc, have you seen the rest of our offense?" Scotty calls. "We're trying to get out of here sooner rather than later. This is getting fucking ugly. Did you see Nikolai? We think everyone found out about his eating disorder."
"Naw man," says Marc. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Um, give the puck to Staalsy, Gomez, we need to get out of this dump," Naslund says.
The defense has to pick up the slack.
4-2.

THE MOMENT IT ALL TURNED INTO A BITCHFIGHT
Letang steals the show as the game's scoringest defenseman as he splits the defense and does something fucking Crosbylike with the puck to beat Lundqvist. It's unreal. It's his first career two-goal game and you're like "daaaaaamn Tanger, mmmmmmmmm."
5-2. No complaints over here.
Shortly thereafter, Naslund attacks Ryan Whitney in protest of all offensive defensemen everywhere.
"THAT WAS MY FUCKING DEFENSEMAN RYAN WHY DO YOU GUYS ALWAYS HAVE TO GET ALL THE ATTENTION I CAN'T STAND THE DRAMA I THINK I NEED SOME NEW FRIENDS OKAY"
Both of them end up in the box.
The credits for Laguna Beach roll.

THE MOMENT THE PENS THREW IN JUST IN CASE YOU'D FORGOTTEN SIDNEY CROSBY
Turnaround backhander.

Whoa.

"I just played terrible. That's what happened," Lundqvist said. "I can't explain it. As a team we played great the first two (periods) and I played pretty good, I think, and I make a mistake on the second goal and then they get another one on the power play. I just lost my game in the third, totally, and that's definitely not good enough.

"I didn't stop the puck in the third. I'm upset with myself right now."


Voros leaves in a huff. He wishes he'd never showed up at the party with Zherdev. What a mistake.

PENGUINS WIN
6-2
SUCK IT

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

BEST LAY AT THE PARTY

We're starting to think Therrien gets more action in the back of Malkin's van than Malkin does.

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Rob Scuderi - Was fucking everywhere.
2. Miro Satan - Actually played.
3. Nikolai Zherdev - The first step to recovery is realizing that you have an illness, that you need help. Don't worry, there are support groups for this.

Let's not sell Fleury short here, though. His second period performance gave the Pens their chance to win.


All in all, an exciting night at the frat.

The Pens have accepted their bloodright to this fraternity of the realest men in the NHL.
We'll take whatever shit you have to throw at us because we're PI EPSILON NU, BITCHES.

. . .Lame joke, but we're in college.
Good job tonight, boys.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

wooooo!


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
LOOK AT WHAT A JOKE OSGOOD IS
HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA

We fucking love Columbus. You know that. So we're taking a moment to celebrate their 3-2 win in overtime against Detroit.

Rick Nash hattie. Beautiful.


We love the underdogs. This was our favorite CBJ game all season, save that OT win against the Sharks we got to watch. We really want to see them and their fans (who we also love) get to see the playoffs this year. Oh, and Stevey Mason was -as always- a man. He looks like he might be stuck playing WOW in his parents basement if he hadn't found hockey. Luckily he did. We love him.

In other hockey news, The Leafs got obliterated by Team Cal, 1-6.


This would hurt us more if Vesa were in the net, but as is it still doesn't please us. We actually have some sort of weird, abusive relationship with the Leafs.

Cal was on fire.
A goal, 4 shots and 5 hits.
He also tried to fight Luke Schenn. This raised more questions than answers.

Who did we want to win?
Do we ever want Cal to lose?
Why are we even Leafs fans?
Can we really even watch this game?
OMG IS THAT VESA IN A WHITE BEANIE ON THE BENCH OMG[wraparoundcurl for the win.]

OH WAIT WE'RE A PENGUINS BLOG, SORRY WE FORGOT

By this point in the day you've all seen this Petr Sykora interview.

We hate to say this...REALLY hate to say this...but if Petr is off the Therrien train, so are we. We leave some wiggle room for translation errors but this all just didn't sound too good.

We know everything is cool when you are winning and no one bitches about a coach's system and OMG JUST BECAUSE WE ARE LOSING YOU CAN'T BLAME THE COACH. We know. We've been on Therrien's side for a very long time. We still aren't completely off of his side. We're just saying that from the comments of some players (particularly Sykora and Taffe) we think it's time Therrien stop his immediate reward/punishment system and give the players some stability and time to work shit out.

On a lighter note, we think it's fucking adorable that Sykie calls Malkin Zhenya.

You know Mattie Cooke is out. You know it's bullshit.
But we can still smile about the fact that we can watch our real team tomorrow.
Not our favorite specific conference team.
Not our favorite underdog team.
Not our favorite team with a player with a ridiculous name.
No more of this bullshit.

Our favorite team.
GO PENS.

HAIKU CONTEST WINNERS

Yes, yes, the moment you've all been so desperately waiting for is finally here. We have selected our winner, and four runners-up. The runners-up will receive some special little prizes that we are having shipped hot and fresh from the Great North (it's a surprise, sorry), and the winner will receive this beautiful Chris Pronger hat, found miraculously in the Uniontown Ollie's:

To just think that this hat could be yours.
Is it everything you've dreamed of? Can you taste it?

IF YOU WON, WE NEED YOU TO E-MAIL US AT PUCKHUFFERS@GMAIL.COM. You'll have to include an address to which you want your prize to be shipped and some kind of name that we can call you by. I mean, you wouldn't want your brat sister/roommate/girlfriend/whatever to get their filthy paws on your Chris Pronger hat because it came in a suspicious unmarked package, would you? We didn't think so. Put "CHRIS PRONGER IS STILL MY FUCKING HERO" as the subject line, if you don't mind.

The order of the runners-up really doesn't mean anything, you're all getting the same prize.

We're doing this in reverse order because we like suspense.

FOURTH RUNNER-UP
The Staals are brothers
Raised in Thunder Bay, with sod
Staals Staals Staals Staals Staals
by 1wingangel

The last line of this one is what makes it sheer brilliance.

THIRD RUNNER-UP
Too many bonghits
Sad, despondent, dejected
Apple-bong ignored
by Brianna

You remembered Kris's apple bong! Really, that's just heartwarming.

SECOND RUNNER-UP
You can bruise his face
You can explode his pinky
you can't touch his jaw
by Jared

Haikus about Rob Scuderi's jaw are the way to any woman's heart. Seriously.

FIRST RUNNER-UP
Man Purse of Vesa
I really like it a lot
Bedazzle my shirt
by Kristen

Okay, maybe the order of this one does matter. IT'S FUCKING BRILLIANT. Vesa and his man purse and his bedazzled Mickey. . .oh. . .it just makes us blush thinking about how clueless and Finnish Vesa is. But Kristen understands. Film at 11.









Here it is for real. Sorry, we just hadn't done that in a long time.

OKAY OKAY OKAY

Who do you think won? Seriously. What do you think could top a haiku about an apple bong, Vesa Toskala, the sod farm, and the chiseled face of Rob Scuderi, American Hero?

Well, it is this.

OUR HAIKU CONTEST WINNER
scott hartnell, fat fuck
i hope you eat broken glass
you fat, fat, fat, fuck
by Jordan
(capitalization preserved from the original, because it's too beautiful to change)

I texted this to Kim as soon as I got it and she almost puked in class laughing at it.
It's brilliant. Much like the Staal poem, the last line pretty much makes it. It is so so so amazing. Jordan sent us a lot of haikus, but this one was obviously far, far ahead of any of them. It's truly poetic. It is deserving of a Chris Pronger St. Louis Blues baseball hat. Not many things are.

Well, thank you for joining us for our very first haiku contest. You have helped us make history. LISTEN THESE WERE SO HARD TO PICK OKAY. We got a lot of entries and many of them made us laugh out loud and type in all caps to each other and scream in delight. But there could only be so many winners. We invented the runners-up only because there were too many good ones to go unrewarded, and even with FOUR GODDAMN RUNNERS-UP we were still hopelessly torn. They were all so wonderful. Thank you so, so much for your skills. Your poetry. Your comic timing. YOUR ARTISTIC SENSITIVITY. We love you all.

Don't forget to e-mail us if you won.

WE LOVE YOU ALL, SRSLY. DON'T FORGET.

Rangers tomorrow but we'd be excited for a fucking Tampa Bay/New Jersey game or something. Like, any kind of hockey is good hockey after these All-Star shenanigans. Don't kill yourselves just yet, everyone.

EDIT BTW:
If you're about to start huffing used pucks or something, Detroit/CBJ is on tonight. Everyone knows that Detroit has been whining about Datsyuk and Lidstrom being forced to miss because they wouldn't show their faces at the ASG. Let's watch Steve Mason stone 'em.

Monday, January 26, 2009

JEFF TAFFE MONDAY

Anyone who has ever talked to me for fifteen minutes sober or fifteen seconds drunk knows I probably love Jeff Taffe a little too much. And my question is, why don't you? Can you ever really love Jeff Taffe too much?

Instead of trying to figure out what my very German Energy Physics professor - who has what I believe are felt eyebrows - meant when he said that I have a test due at 10 p.m. tonight, I'm going to tell you why you should probably love Mr. Taffe a little bit more.

MINNESOTA MR. HOCKEY


Jeff Taffe apparently gets some flack from the guys regarding his position as Minnesota Mr. Hockey in his senior year of high school. I know they are just being the ass-clowns that they are, but lest any of you homers take the title lightly, I will explain to you for a second what this means.

Are any of our readers from Minnesota? If so, let me take a moment to be on your side of this issue. High school hockey is hot shit. At least in Minnesota it is. Getting to the championships is every kid's dream growing up, often more so than hoisting the cup. Minnesota boys from the Miracle on Ice team had some things to say about beating the Soviet team not being as exciting as just participating in the Minnesota championships. I'm not saying I would agree, I'm just trying to say that high school hockey is clearly some serious shit to them. And Jeff Taffe was the best of them, or at least according to NHL scouts and division 1 coaches.

As homework reading, I assign to you Blades of Glory, because it's a fucking good book. About Minnesota high school hockey. DO IT.

CURRENTLY IN THE AHL

Jeffe Taffe currently leads the entire WBS team with 18 goals 30 assists, and 48 points in 41 games. He is fifth overall in the AHL with points. Did we mention the man is all business?

The first step is admitting you have a problem, right? Well, I became ready to admit my Jeff Taffe problem the moment I tried to save that picture and got this warning:

Absolutely fucking not.

AHLers play like they mean it. They are scrappy and vicious and filled with a runaway desire to prove that they are worth it. One of the reasons we love TK so much is the fact that he acts like it's his first game from a call up every single time he steps onto the ice.

Jeff Taffe is a man. He plays like a hero when we need him to but his contract keeps him from coming up as often as he should. If anyone ever steals him between teams I will pretty much be bed ridden for the rest of the season. DON'T LET IT HAPPEN.

BRIEF INTERLUDE
On the subject,
Ben Lovejoy has a +25, best in the AHL.
Chris Minard leads the league in PPG and is tied for the most game-winners (7)
Of the people Minard is tied with he's played as many as eleven fewer games.
Beasts.

JEFF TAFFE AS A DUDE

As a dude, Jeff Taffe is a superb human being. We want him to come over and drink a few beers with us and enjoy cold pizza from the back of the fridge while we watch Cops reruns on television. We're particularly fond of the Mardi Gras and Ho Ho Ho episodes. Here's an Inside Penguins Hockey video of Mr. Taffe alongside Jarkko. It makes you just want to hang out with the guy.



Like, seriously, you bring the Carlsberg and we'll bring some MST3K and we can all just get blasted and pass out on the futon. Best. Night. Ever.


OTHER SHIT
In other news, here is a video of Malkin being happy if you don't voyage over to Penstv that often:



Can I just say that if this mood and this confidence have been caused by Alexander Ovechkin in any capacity, I will personally give him a hug and merrily ride a segway with him into the mother fucking sunset. Seeing Malkin happy and outgoing with the media has for some reason made us conclude that after the All Star break the Penguins will be back with a vengeance.
Hell, we're probably going to win the cup.
But we've told you that one before.

Maybe we'll be a little nicer to the ASG next year.
We still doubt it.

Biz Nasty and Billy Thomas on their way up.
Orpik still not back.
Talbot and Dupuis are in.
Blahblahblah
Never losing again.

EDIT:
Jeff Taffe has scored on his first shot of the AHL All-Star Game late in the second period.
Pure beast.
Canadians are up 8-5.
Come on PlanetUSA! Third period team!
Sorry, Minard, but Lovejoy's on the other team, too. :(

EDIT AGAIN:
Taffe stepped it up in the third period. He has two goals, an assist, and a +3 for PlanetUSA as they work to come back from a one-goal deficit. The score is 11-10. Wooooo.

EDIT AGAIN:
TAFFE WITH THE HAT TRICK AND A +4
JANUARY 26 WILL FOREVER BE JEFF TAFFE DAY
KOVALEV OF THE AHL

EDIT x4:
PlanetUSA takes the lead.
Do it boys.

EDIT PART CINCO:
PlanetUSA wins it. Taffe got another assist. Final score was 11-14.
MVP given to Jared Ross.
TAFFE WAS ROBBED.

EDIT EDIT EDIT EDIT EDIT EDIT:
Jared Ross is a Philadelphia Phantom.
Joke.
This was Taffer's night.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

russians do it better


Malkin-Kovalev-a used menstrual pad found in the Moscow sewer = best line in hockey
You see players like this work together in a game that is largely meaningless, and you wonder what could happen if, in a perfect world, they could play together with the complete package of heart, passion, and camaraderie.
They're both sick as hell.
They're both Russian.
Kovalev on a breakaway may be one of the most dangerous things in the NHL.
If only. . .

Alas, this is about the ASG, not Alexei Kovalev.

Or maybe it is.

If this was going to be about the Montreal Canadiens, there really couldn't have been a better beneficiary than Kovalev. He deserved to have this, in front of the people who love him in Montreal.

None of the other Habs deserved to start this game, really. But Kovie did.

Anyway, here's some imaginary recap:

Before the game started, some bitch with a violin and some other dudes with Habs logos painted on themselves did god knows what.

Listen: French Canadians may enjoy the weirdest entertainment ever. Don't let the Japanese fool you--everyone and their mother thinks that Asian shit is so weird that it has officially become normal. But in small pockets of the world. . .
it thrives.
And it makes everyone uncomfortable.
Like, did I buy tickets for the wrong event?
Oh wait.
It's Montreal.
It kind of makes sense.
At least I'm not in Finland.

The first period was everything you expected it to be. Back and forth, nothing much happening except those unreal goals. We were right about Carey Price being scored on first, but the East players realized what a joke he was and worked on building their lead when the pickings were good.

Kovalev gets his first breakaway of the night on a great pass from Kaberle and makes it look easy.

Pat Marleau put it home late for the West to get the momentum rolling for the second.

Second period some scoring is going on, no one is really paying attention.

Versus decides to interview some egregious cocksucker who says the word "ass" and makes the interviewer very, very uncomfortable. He's still yapping when Malkin puts home one of the prettiest goals of the night.



As all of this is happening, we're wondering if an Eastern Conference All-Stars lead is safe like a lead is for the Pittsburgh Penguins. It isn't. The West just keeps on coming. I mean, I told you Milan Hejduk would be ready. The man is fucking Czech. They're always ready.

Kovalev goes in unassisted on his second breakaway of the evening. He knows what's up.

The third period is an exercise in "OH LORD CAN THE EAST TIE IT"

They can.

In overtime, Komisarek takes a penalty for hooking like the game actually matters. But it was a huge penalty kill for the East, who definitely didn't look like they were shorthanded in the least. Tim Thomas and Chas Tenenbaum are slamming the door.

It's okay though, because the East can always put Kovalev up on the shootout.
Luongo had no idea where the puck was. No idea what Kovie did to confuse him that bad.


Thank God this shit is over, right?
Back to normal hockey schedule, right?
Well, actually, the Penguins still have two days off.
Kim has a very, very special feature planned for you tomorrow.
THE WINNERS OF THE HAIKU CONTEST WILL BE ANNOUNCED ON TUESDAY
Also, if you're interested, the AHL is also having its All-Star fun tomorrow. Their skills competition was today and was whacked and I don't understand it in the least, but apparently Jeff Taffe did something for PlanetUSA.
WOOOOO JEFF TAFFE
There are three WBS boys in the game: Taffe, Minard, and Lovejoy will be there.
It's in Worcester, Mass. which is a brief train ride from my school in Boston, and tickets are cheap as shit compared to even a ballsack NHL regular season game last I checked, but I have class. Sucks to be me.
Go boys.
Go Russia.
Go Everyone.
[SHOOT EVERYONE]

Night, all.

 
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Puck Huffers by Kimberly Davidson and Zoë Hayden is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.