Wednesday, December 23, 2009

sex for christmas

If the Sens were the bargain-basement Canadian hockey club that they were last year, this game is hard as hell for us and we probably lose it in overtime after pouring on the Hope and letting ourselves down. But no, the Sens are (barely) in playoff position and we just turned ourselves into a doormat for Fattie Brodeur and Captain Fetal Pig, so by Curry, we were going to work for this.
We shouldn't be surprised by this necessarily.
Comparing the Sens lineup to the largely intact Penguins championship lineup is kind of laughable. But if we know anything as the defending champions, it's that the name on the back of the jersey doesn't mean shit if you don't play to your potential.
We played well enough to win all-around.
The Sens also kind of sucked.
Combine the two, and you have an 8-2 hockey game.
Well, we'll take it, yes sir.

THE GOAL YOU PROBABLY WOULD HAVE TAKEN AS-IS
Within a few minutes the Pens have a PP and you're not really going to get up any hope.
The Sens have put an assload of bodies in front of the net so there's no way that Crosby is going to make that cross-crease pass to Malkin without it getting broke--
1-0 business
Sup power play, you be lookin' fine.
This is such a nice first date that we're not even going to demand you take your pants off, are we?

THE "WHAT THE FUCK USUALLY YOU SAVE THAT MANY SHOTS ALL GAME" AWARD
Meanwhile the Sens are busy trying to put up 24 shots on Fleury.
Staying alive, staying alive.
Oh, except for that one shot by Volchenkov.
It sucks but it feels whatevs.
23 saves in one period is a lot to ask of anybody, not that they were exactly quality shots, but okay.
Fleury is in a zone that is beyond the manliness of our usual whiskey innuendo.
His balls are enormous.

Craig Adams lands a clean shoulder check on Captain Alfredsson, who goes to the locker room before the second to get a jumpstart on his daily semen bath.
Malkin gets a second goal that is immediately taken away thanks to some ridiculous interference penalty.
Period winds down.
Shit could get difficult.

WHERE WHISKEY INNUENDO COUNTS
Early PP in the second.
We didn't get our hopes up. . .
But apparently Billy G did.
Goal. 2-1.

Of course things start getting nasty. But whatevs.

REASON #48902348 WHY JSTAAL IS A SERIOUS ASSET TO THE TEAM
Uncle Jordy starts some unreal play in the defensive zone, and takes MaxTal and Fedotenko all the way up-ice and sets up the play for Feds to bury it.
The Senators' coverage in the defensive zone is like, horrifying. Okay. 3-1.
No photos exist. Apparently the goal was too easy. But. . .I mean, we know it happened.

BTW FLEURY
you know what we mean.

THE NEXT GOAL THAT NOBODY EXPECTED
Guerin threw it at the net and Kunitz redirected it like a pro.
This is getting too easy. 4-1.
No photos exist of this one, either, but we'll get over it.

BEST PENALTY EVER
Donovan goes for the gold.
And before the PP can expire, Ottawa gives extraordinarily uncaring coverage again, and Guerin buries another. 5-1. Really?

THE "WE CLEARLY DO NOT PLAY DEVILS HOCKEY" AWARD
If you don't care about the game of hockey, your strategy for the rest of the game is to chip the out and bore the shit out of everyone in attendance.
But Malkin wants another goal and so Malkin and Kunitz go and get another goal.
6-1. Well, okay.
The third probably can't get much more exciting than that. . .

THE DIRTIEST PERIOD IN RECENT MEMORY
Rupp and Neil fight immediately to start the third.
Then Craigsy and Carkner fight, too. It's amazing.
Then Gonchar finally buries the one he deserved from the slot.
Everyone is pregnant.
It's 7-1.
About time to set Guerin up for that hattie, right?

Well, we'll keep trying.

Meanwhile, Malkin and Crosby get a two-on-none on Elliot and Crosby goes all Leadership on us and gives it to Malks on a platter for the hat trick.

blingee city by [AmyB]

8-1
Still not playing Devils hockey.
Eat your heart out Uncle Dad.
Oh wait Sens score again.
8-2

PENS STILL WIN
PUT THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SMOKE IT ALL NIGHT LONG

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

HAPPIEST BOYS ON THE BLOCK
SexyFace JStaal and Happy Evgeni

MOST MAN
Enough said.

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Uncle Jordy
Face shield master.

2. Chris Kunitz - Assist master.

3. Alexei Kovalev - Clearly shot into the logo on purpose all night.

. . .Well, we sure beat the shit out of them.
Not much else to say.
Keep it up.

GO PENS.

9 comments:

Megs said...

To say the very least, Christmas came early tonight for us fans and the team!

This posting is so great and the game was so awesome, I just don't have much to say. Except for one thing, did anyone see the post-game interview Billy G. gave with Dan Potash? I about hit the floor laughing when Billy said to Dan "Merry Christmas, buddy!" and he's shaking his hand while saying this!

And finally, I'd like to wish everyone a Merry Christmas! And to anyone who's Jewish, I hope you had an awesome Hanukkah.

Terri said...

Remember before the trade deadline last year when some people in this city thought the Pens should trade Staal to get a winger for Crosby? Yeah... I love laughing at those people now. He played great as did the whole team. Nice little win before Christmas break

Now we can all get drunk on Christmas eve for the right right reasons instead of out of depression. GO PENS!

bluzdude said...

Also, remember when we traded for Guerin and people wondered what we were going to do with an old man so past his prime?

Suckahs!

The Goon Blogger said...

tGB am pleased. Fuck Yeah, Craig Adams! is a total beast and I love him every game. Doing the Shiner Line proud.

Merry Christmas, bitches.

Need Ice In Phoenix said...

@The Goon

"The Shiner Line" - That's beautiful! LOL!


I just listened to Geno's post game interview and I could have sworn he said, "Sid gives good puck."

Well said!

CrackerLilo said...

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I so needed this! I was over at Joe Louis last night, totally suffering through the Blackhawks' shutout of the Wings with my favorite Wings fan. Normally I'd be quite happy about the Hawks' win in that matchup. I could not believe the text messages I was getting with Penguins/Senators score updates.

Four point night for Guerin and a hat trick for Malkin! Staal playing and smiling with his patched-together nose! Two fights! The highlight videos were so amazing. Your words just complete the picture, though. You express how the game felt to watch.

My brother was favorably impressed by Malkin when he first watched the Penguins, so I was going to name a cocktail he made at my house after Geno. It's time.

Merry Christmas to all y'all who celebrate it, a good weekend to all y'all who don't, and let's hope the Pens kick Maple Leaf ass, too!

@ Terri + Bluzdude: Don't you love it when certain people are proven wrong?!?!

Genosgirl71 said...

i was at the game last night an it was a hell of a time. I think it was the best gave i have ever been to. everyone was having a blast an the guys sure as hell were i mean come one leading the game by at least 5 to 6 points that is great!!!

Becky said...

Ok are you ladies trying to kill me? Seriously I LOVE CRAIG ADAMS..and then you have pictures of him all bloody after being rough and tumble. My ovaries can't handle this!!!!!

MouthGuard said...

Ho ho ho ho's -

Yeah the outcome of this game was on my Santa wish list, for sure. I don't know about you ho-ho's, but as far as I'm concerned, Bill Guerin is Fucking Santa. He's better than Santa, dammit. He delivers what I want when I want it, he belts down the absinthe toddy and gobbles up the Jo Louis I have left him by the tree to get him started on his business, and he's got Gen X snark to spare and a Grim Reaperish je ne sais crois that fucking flicks my Bic. You go, Sir. YOU. GO.

Staal needs some black stick tape to cover that noseplug-shaped scarification on his noggin. He could rock a noseplug-shaped/black stick tape themed tattoo there, as well. Now, that would be kewl. He'd be channelling Revenge of the Nerds for all of eternity. All he needs are a pair of Dahmer-frame glasses and voila!

Happy Ho-lidays, Freeks. Keep it freekay in 2010, won't you? I need the continued titillation. I know I can count on Santa Bill, but even the best titillator needs some help from freekish elves like you all. As George Jefferson used to say: BYE!

 
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Puck Huffers by Kimberly Davidson and Zoƫ Hayden is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.