Thursday, December 24, 2009

EVERYDAY TASKS WITH THE PENS

Before we move on to the insanity PH is about to get real with yunz for a second.
Being home for the holidays, seeing one another, and feeling loved is perhaps the most surreal and wonderful feeling in the world.
We (Kim, Zoë, and Allison) are fucking insane. (Intern Ann is basically a paragon of stability, at least compared to us.) We're sorry this season has been so absurd with us so far and that we don't update and that we make multiple references to our lives of sin and rolling around on the floor making unintelligible noises. But we're just trying to be honest.
This holiday season, we thank all of you for the past year-plus of PH goodness. We do this for you and we love you more than words can express.
We wish you the best of holidays.

Meanwhile. . .let's spend
CHRISTMAS EVE WITH BILLY GUERIN
For this Everyday Tasks documentary, instead of invading Billy G's home, we invited him over for an evening of last-minute Christmas preparation. PH Documentary Film Crew was on-hand to watch Mr. Guerin roll up in an epically huge custom SUV that we think might be made by Mercedes. He parks it on the lawn and hops out wearing a dashing gray sweater and wonderful dark-wash jeans. Before we can ask, he says, "Ha ha girls, no threesome tonight; I have to get home to the wife." We pretend like we weren't going to ask anything of the sort by laughing nervously. He then asks, in his most charming tone, "So, ladies, what are we going to do tonight?"
Bill Guerin is allowed to call us "girls" and "ladies" by the way. He means it with all due respect.

"Well, Mr. Guerin," we say, showing him in to the living room from the blustery December night, "we need to arrange the presents under the tree and then bake some cookies to leave out for Santa."

"Damn, girls," he says, "you need me to help you out with that?"

". . .Yes."

Billy G sits on the floor with us and we get out the magic markers and put appropriate To-From tags on all of the gifts in PH-land.

Afterwards, we retreat to the kitchen, where Kimberly is beginning preparations for two kinds of Christmas confections: rum-and-bourbon balls and Nanaimo bars.

FOR RUM-AND-BOURBON BALLS
Mix 2 cups vanilla wafer (or other cookie, such as shortbread) crumbs with about 1 and a half cups of chopped nuts (pecans, hazelnuts, or almonds are ideal).
Add 1/2 cup confectioners' sugar and 2 tablespoons each of cocoa powder and light corn syrup.
Then add the fun stuff: between 1/4 and 1/2 cups (depending on how much punch you want these babies to have) of your favorite rum or bourbon.
If you use rum, a dark variety works best.
Mix together thoroughly until you get a sufficiently sticky paste.
Roll into balls of whatever size you would like.
Depending on the size, makes 30-50.
Roll the finished balls in confectioners' sugar or cocoa powder, or perhaps a fine mix of both.
Store for at least a day or so (perhaps even up to a week!) to allow the flavors to mix together.
Then eat a lot of them.
A lot.

The Nanaimo bars are a bit more complex, but with Billy's help we are able to get the butter and chocolate to melt in the saucepan just right for the topping and get the final presentation together.


We place whatever rum balls we haven't eaten and the Nanaimo bars on a large plate and then pour Santa a big glass of milk to match.
Billy gives us this look:
and says:
"Are you really just leaving Santa milk?"
He immediately takes the milk back to the kitchen to put it in a Collins glass and pour a finger of brandy in.
Zoë and Kim attempt to add a feminine/homey touch to this concoction and sprinkle some nutmeg and powdered sugar on top.
"Santa better get here soon," Billy says, "because this shit is about to curdle."
The three of us exchange meaningful looks.
"Fuck. I don't want Santa drunk driving tonight," he says before downing the delicious beverage.


To end the evening, we put a fire in the fireplace and sit on the couch.
We all have nightcaps and cigars and toast to a beautiful Christmas.


This video is cute, though we're very sadface at the lack of Penguins-in-holiday-sweaters telling us happy holidays in front of a janky tree (a la last year):


And in case you missed this:

Ruslan = business
and Cupcake is all kinds of adorable
and Fleury wants a ping pong table. . .clearly Sid told him to ask for this
People like this is why we love hockey.

And Billy G?
You are welcome back any time.
Consider the seat in front of the roaring fireplace permanently reserved.

Merry Christmas to everyone from PH Staff.
Much love,
Kim, Zoë, Allison, and Ann

P.S. The Hockey Junkies know more about the world than we do and they found this video which is what we imagine life would be like if we hung out in the Sharks locker room with an enormous bong every Christmas.

P.P.S. Also, Team Russia!

Go Pens and Happy Holidays.

12 comments:

ANovak017 said...

Merry Christmas!!
Thank you for the update, and as long as you bitches update with stuff like this, we can ignore all the missed recaps.
Christmas Eve with Billy G would be magical..but a three-some would make it spectacular.
Joe Thornton always makes me smile so that video is golden.
Russia is about to fuck shit up at the Olympics.

bluzdude said...

Merry Christmas to all you bitches. Stopping by here always makes my day. Too bad Billy G didn't bring his Cobra Scorpion Whiskey... would have made the evening complete.

BTW, last year's C-S Whiskey post is probably my favorite post about anything on any blog, ever.

Sooska said...

Merry Christmas! How did you miss this video with the Pens players and their janky tree?

docjeed said...

Merry Christmas, and thank you all!

--DocJeed

Need Ice In Phoenix said...

Bitches!

Love the hat, love the shoes, love the bag . . . love everything! You make the internet worthwhile.

Merry Christmas to all of you!

laurrrabeth said...

i don't play it like shaggy, you'll know it was me. cause the next time you see her she'll be like uhhh BILLY G


i love you bitches! happy you all got home safe. billy g is everything that is man. and team russia jesus christ

lets goooo pens woooo

CrackerLilo said...

Hell of a Christmas present there! Thank you! So much fantastic stuff all rolled up together, just like a threesome with Bil...I mean, those rum balls!

I'm with bluzdude--the Cobra Scorpion Whiskey post was absolutely amazing. I'm only sorry I didn't know about this blog when y'all first posted it. But I'm so glad I do now, and of course, now I know why that series ended as it did.

Hope y'all had a merry Christmas and have a great vacation!

ANovak017 said...

@sooska that video is last years edited in with the new guys..nice try penstv...

Sooska said...

oh really? I don't pay that close attention apparently

AmyB said...

Hahahahah. I looovvedd Christmas Eve with Billy G. So funny. Also, re. Cobra Whiskey: Billy G only pulls that shit out for srs bsns.

Megs said...

Awesome post! It made my Christmas to say the least. Guerin = Poppa Badass...yes I just thought of that one lol.

Also, the sharks video was hilarious. It's a shame the Pens didn't think of it first and had Max or Staal do the talking with the dummy lol.

Finally, out of curiousity, I looked up Guy LaFleur. I'll be honest, I don't know much about hockey before 1985 because it happened before I was born lol. But I found this to be highly interesting:

In 1979, Lafleur released an album called 'Lafleur'. The album consisted of Guy Lafleur reciting hockey instructions and singing, accompanied by disco music.

Caroline said...

Wow that was definitely the best every day tasks with the pens yet. Keep up the good work!

 
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