Friday, November 27, 2009

neither rhyme nor reason

We remember when a game against the Islanders meant that we were playing the worst team in the League and therefore any difficulties could be chalked up to lack of effort, lack of finish, goaltending heroics, or some fluke perpetuated by the hockey gods.

Fun fact: the Islanders aren't a completely awful team anymore. And seeing as we haven't been having a lot of our usual Atlantic Division shit-kicking lately, we probably should have been competitive, nasty, ready to take some division points and show them that we still mean business.

But, no. It wasn't meant to be. Blame injuries or the early start time or team mentality, but whatevs. We lost this one. And that's a shame, because our favorite thing about Nassau Coliseum is the copious-ass press photography. So, gather 'round everyone, it's picture time and awards night rolled into one.

THE GAME IN MICROCOSM
First thing that happens is that Jackman and Engelland decide to fight. Engelland looks pumped to be there for a little while but Jackman is landing more punches and eventually it just has to end before something shitty happens. We've gotta say that Engelland's hair looks pretty good in this picture. He's got a very striking profile when he's being punched in the head.

MOST POWERFUL MUSTACHE
Then: Bill McCreary makes some bizarre diving call on Malkin.
Isles don't do much, and out of the box Malkin is a playmaking machine, but no dice.
Eventually McCreary sends Brooks to the box for eating one too many souls.
We like to imagine Bill McCreary alone at home trimming his mustache and thinking about his next move.
Whatevs.

THE MOMENT YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN COMING
Josh Bailey
1-0
This blue unis on the road thing is really bizarre, by the way. If another team were doing this we'd probably make fun of them or call them divas. So can we stop being divas? Please?
We blame the fact that we are divas for the goal.


BEST EFFORT FOR THE PENS BY BOY CANADA
John Tavares commits some egregious turnover to JStaal, who understands the meaning of teamwork and draws a penalty.
Nothing really happens but the Isles do get a shorthanded shot away, thank fucking goodness.
(See? Games at Nassau, you remember an event sequence, and can actually find a photo of that exact event sequence to fit into your recap/event description. We don't know why there are so many photos coming out of Nassau Coliseum, though we might speculate that the good folks from Getty and the Associated Press did it over the past several years to stave off feelings of suicide.)
The overwhelming amount of nothing causes Mike Lange and Phil Bourque to start telling anecdotes about the Oakland Seals or some shit.
Malkin has had enough.
1-1 bitches.
Perfectly placed shot. Crazy-ass backhand. Godard's first point of the season (what a beast). Oh, things feel good right about now.

During intermission Mike Lange recounts some unfuckingreal story about Malkin comforting a sobbing 6-year-old girl. So we like him even more.

BEST PERFORMANCE BY TOP 40 HITS TO SAVE THE TEAM
Early in the second, Brent Johnson has to save the team for awhile. Ugh.
McCreary's mustache hands out another bizarre penalty, this time on Craig Adams for unsportsmanlike conduct, and then evens it up once McCreary himself gets involved in an internal monologue about life and fairness. God, these two need their own psychological thriller.
Nassau Coliseum then has the gumption and gauche to play Lady Gaga's "Poker Face."
Penguins emerge from this stoppage and score a goal. No, we don't understand it, either.
Matt Cooke, you quality human, you. 2-1

LORD JESUS CAN'T WE DO ANYTHING RIGHT
First, Hillen interferes with Crosby. Okay.
Then, Malkin gets high-sticked, and is not pleased.
Photographic evidence of displeasure.
Which means we have this really glittery and delicious man-advantage situation that we should take advantage of.

But maybe they thought it was a good idea to let Brent strut his stuff some more. Huge poke-check on Hillen, and then, in this epic moment of war photography, Frans Nielsen fires it wide of an open cage.
In McCreary's psychological thriller, this is the moment when his worldview becomes overwhelmed with darkness, and his only choice is to kill again.

But we still have a PP.
Chris Bourque is out there, really?
jfksdjfksdjruto4itfjksdpaj;gjsklfjsdl
Fail.

BIGGEST FAIL BY THE PRESS
Not much going on to start the third. Fedotenko tries to wraparound, but Roloson says no. Roloson then has skate problems to lure us all into a false sense of security.
Sean Bergenheim scores and it is the only picture of this game that we can't find. Annoying at best.
You're on notice, Nassau Coliseum.
2-2

THE ONLY MESSAGE WE HAD LEFT TO SEND
This is a very unhappy JStaal. He didn't want Nate Thompson thinking he could mess around with Skoula. Okay, so, don't fuck with Skoula. But what about the rest of the team?

The whole deal is frankly confusing.
We then take a too many men. Just for shits and giggles.

MOMENTS WE COULD HAVE BEEN DOWN BY EIGHT INSTEAD OF TIED
A lot of them.
But Brent has our backs.
The question remains: do we have his?

MOST EMPHATIC ANSWER TO THAT QUESTION
I mean really, it's not even this goal. The shot total for the period was 17-4, which is just embarrassing, no matter which team you play for.
It's just that much more special that it was Johnny T. I mean, he is saving the franchise after all. We know what all of this is like. We have to sigh and accept his existence.
But not the 17-4 shot total. Or the power play fails.

*SIGH*

We have plenty of time to tie it, and even try a lot, but Roloson is up to the challenge.
Okay.

PENS LOSE
3-2
We sort of tried.

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

WE DON'T EVEN FUCKING KNOW


CLASSIEST OPPOSING MEDIA TEAM
Islanders Media gave Brent the #3 star which we think was really sweet of them and we're sure it makes Brent feel better and the rest of the team feel kind of shitty.

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Eric Godard - Master of offense.
2. Deryk Engelland - 5 blocked shots; nice, and also fought at a moment that sort of made sense.
3. Rick DiPietro - For his sweet cap hit.

Rangers tomorrow.
Let's show them what's up.

GO PENS.

13 comments:

CrackerLilo said...

Awesome recap of a not-so-awesome game. I hate it when the Pens get all complacent. Bad things happen when they do. I also hate that the defense doesn't help Johnson nearly as much as they help Fleury, even though Johnson's been really solid. Maybe they're like me and got poisoned against Led Zeppelin by an ex? Whatever the rest of the team's problem, they can give Johnson what he needs on the ice.

No, the Islanders don't suck nearly as bad as they used to, and everyone, including the Pens, needs to respect that. It's hard for me to hate them, though. The blue and orange uniforms remind me too much of the University of Florida Gators. (Lots of family/friend connections--my brother and SIL felt weird rooting against the blue and orange. I need to remember that I went to the University of Central Florida, where the Knights rock black and gold!) There are several Rangers fans at my office who hate the Isles for their continued existence, and they tend to be obnoxious about it. And, of course, they gave us Guerin.

Speaking of which, maybe y'all can replace the all too copious real images from Nassau, including the one of Malkin bleeding, with the mental images conjured up by Thankgiving with the whole team at the Guerin house.

My brother came up with a delicious chai tea latte cocktail that involves Aftershock schnapps and made me take back every mean thing I ever said about him this afternoon. However, I couldn't bring myself to name it after any Penguin today. There was nothing cocktail-worthy, and I think the guys had plenty at the Guerin house anyway. So I'll probably be posting it after tomorrow night, when they'll no doubt take the Rangers seriously and hand their asses to them (knocks on wood).

TP said...

Whatever the future holds for the Islanders and Nassau Colosseum, the epic photography must somehow survive.

TP said...

@CrackerLilo- Perhaps Johnson and the D-men got into the ol' John Bonham vs. Neil Peart debate.

The Goon Blogger said...

I think you bitches are just trying to get on my good side by pimping Eric Godard.

...It's working.

stoopidful said...

Thanks Deryk and Ben! You acquitted yourselves admirably! I love you guys, I really do, but you see you cannot ever, ever, ever compare to my greatest love! TANGER is back! Woooooooooooooo!

http://penguins.nhl.com/club/news.htm?id=507790&navid=DL|PIT|home

CrackerLilo said...

@ TP: I've seen that tear brothers apart. That must be it.

@ Stoopidful: Hell yeah!!!! And of course tonight will be a TiVo/smartphone kind of night for me, too.

By the way, had to share this. If you don't like my cocktails and have money to burn, how about Tactical Nuclear Penguin beer I think it may even beat Cobra Scorpion Whiskey.

stoopidful said...

Oh -- and by the way Happy Birthday to MAF, you smooth french vanilla flower, you!

Caitlin said...

playing the Staal Brothers drinking game tonight...... finally a saturday game where i can play- not at work.

Megs said...

Yesterday's game was miserable. I spent the rest of the night feeling crappy, but I was cheered up a little because a. I watched I Love You, Man and b. WVU beat Pitt. (Yeah I'm a Mountaineers fan!)

Anyhow...Great recap, Zoë! Is it bad that during the game, I kept on thinking about all these bands that I like who are from Long Island? I felt bad for daydreaming about Brand New...I think they're playing that arena tonight or something.


@Lilo - I predicted that the team would have thanksgiving over at the Guerin residence on Long Island. When I heard during the game yesterday, I was like "Yes!" lol.

Oh also, I checked out that link you posted about the beer. I've had a double before, and it only took a few sips to make me feel a bit buzzed. I can't imagine what that Penguins beer is like considering that it's a tripple.


ps- Fuck yeah Eric Godard, and I'm so happy to turn on the tv to see Tanger and TK out on the ice.

Need Ice In Phoenix said...

Epic WIN!

(nuff said)

ANovak017 said...

You would think being home for 7 weeks for winter break I would be able to watch these games, shitty or not.
No. I've been getting updates at work from my friends and wanting to either punch someone in the throat or adopt a kitten.

MadMax84 said...

Epic recap. Epic press photography. Epic win Saturday. Remember when Sidney Crosby was on a scoreless skid that apparently warranted signs of the apocalypse-style reporting? Yeah, I don't either.

Just wanted to add that I was at Nassau. Mud game, Bourque is a stain upon humanity, McCreary smoked waaaaay too many doobies, and JStaal looked so forlorn while in the box for what seemed like the entire third period, I wanted to hug him. Also, because I'm a crazed Penguin fan, when Geno got high-sticked, I immediately stood to my feet and shouted, "BLEED, GENO, BLEED!"

And yes, Boy Canada is pretty impressive in person. Although he got embarrassed trying to do a curl-and-drag. Which made me laugh hard and attract the glares of Long Islanders.

I'm thankful for having a nearly-full lineup again. The Great Turkey delivers.

GIANTS FAN said...

Great sports blog man! I have two myself. I was thinking that maybe we could do a link exchange so that we can spread some traffic around to each other.

Let me know.

Jason
SportsSoundOff.net
SPORTSMONARCH.com

 
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Puck Huffers by Kimberly Davidson and Zoë Hayden is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.