Sunday, November 29, 2009

like you needed us to tell you.

This win was the sort of win you just needed to soak in as you lounged about the house eating leftover turkey, laughing to yourself about the misfortunes of other, less talented hockey clubs.
Yeah, we know that we let you marinate in it a little bit too long, but you try being stuck on a Philadelphia runway for three hours and then come talk to me about duties to those fortunate enough to be chilling in the City of Champions. Yinz can suck it.

Let's just talk about this goal by goal.
Only Pens goals.
I think that provides enough material for, oh, a short novella.

Cappycakes and Malks are both on the ice, they boys are down one, and we are maybe not the most assured fans in all of the NHL. The puck is everywhere. Behind the net. Sid grabs it, tosses it to Malkin. It's almost a garbage goal but garbage doesn't look that good.

Gogo just keeps the puck in as Sid trails off the bench. Those in attendance say that the Rags defense seemed to be distracted by large, floating, green objects, "Like a fuckin' huge green pepper" says one witness. We have no part in this. Cappy picks the puck up at the blue line in his van, drops it off at school just in time for morning announcements.
And we've got a tied game.

Cappy plays matchmaker and sees some srs chemistry between Max Talbot and the puck. They haven't spoken in a while, but quickly realized what they had seen in one another before. They consummate their reunion, Eric Godard stands nearby to watch.

Starting the second period 3-1 isn't unheard of. It could still be a normal game. The Rags bring it up 3-2, and you know, things have been known to stagnate at points like this.
That is, until Orpik gets a shot and Adams almost picks up the trash. Then things are different.
And then, in if in some sort of fairytale land Mark Eaton takes it and slams it home from three zip codes away? You might be looking at a fuckin' special hockey game.

The Rags celebrate the beginning of the third period by scoring again, because that has really been working for them.
Valiquette, who has been a work of art as a goaltender for this game, we're talking some serious Mona Lisa shit, somehow ends up all out of sorts with Malkin and Crosby circling the net like hungry sharks. They smell the blood. Malkin attacks, doesn't quite finish, Cappy comes in and finishes the job.
Two goals, eh?
We'll see.

Dupes, what the fuck? How are you going to become an entirely different hockey player at this age? I mean, I guess we aren't complaining, but really, it's kind of conflicting now that the Pascal-right-into-the-logo-Dupuis is a serious danger around the net. We like it, we just have to deal with the change.
What a fucking man.

I don't know where you were when Sidney Crosby got his 4th career hat trick, but I was in a fuckin' bar outside of Pittsburgh. The only thing I could say as I stared at the screen, witnessing what seemed to be an unusually large celebratory display of hat throw-age, was "Musta been hat giveaway night."
It must be pretty satisfying to get a hattie on hat night. That was some serious lid action on the ice. You think maybe he had this all planned out? Nooooo....

The President, of course, always has the final say in matters. Steve Valiquette's liquor license goes the way of Cam Ward's.


Are you fucking kidding us?
8-3
Pens...obliterate the Rags?
Embarrass?
Rape?

Let's just go with the classic Pens Win.


Go Pens.

10 comments:

Ashferddd said...

So unreal. I was supposed to rush that. . .until the Pens sent me the text that the sucker was sold out. Oh well. I did see them in LI. . .without TK, LeSwoon, or Gogo Gadget AWIEGAUHSEROIUGHOISEU. Bahhhh. I'll get over it. I love this team.

By the way, anyone else catch the Erreyism, something about Sid should come late more often? Shot. I hope you bitches were drunk, because it was definitely an SBDG night.

ANovak017 said...

I know where I was when Sid got his 4th career hat trick. At work an hour after I was scheduled to leave.
Needless to say I was a bitch the rest of the night due to missing this amazingness.

CrackerLilo said...

Thanks for all the pictures! Sorry you had to be stuck in Philadelphia.

I was taking my brother and SIL bar-crawling around Brooklyn Saturday night, of course. I get text updates because I know I can't see every period of every game. I am numeric-dyslexic. So I'm looking at the texts: "Okay...okay...well, *that* number can't be right! Hey, [SIL], tell me what that says."

"I think it says your Penguins beat the Rangers, by a lot," she replied. Then a dude nearby hollered out how much he hated Crosby and how bad Crosby sucked. Then Beloved texted, "U will want to see the pens game on tivo 2morro!" Not quite the famous Lemieux Game Seven text, but I liked it. What an awesome game to watch with breakfast!

I said I had a cocktail on deck for Crosby, just waiting for a night when he brought the awesome. This qualified, I think. So I posted the following at Pensburgh:

Crosby Sucks

2 ounces good Canadian whiskey

1 ounce cherry liqueur

About 6-8 ounces vanilla cola, regular or diet

Fill a tumbler halfway with ice. Shake whiskey and cherry liqueur with two ice cubes in cocktail shaker, then pour it, ice and all, into the glass. Fill glass with vanilla cola. Stir slowly.

I normally make it with bourbon, but the whiskey gives it the right amount of sandpaper for the occasion.

We got our team back!!! HELL YEAH!!! I know the Rangers will be out for Penguin blood tomorrow, I know Matt Cooke got himself suspended, but see if I care!!!

eyebleaf said...

I hope you bitches can admit that Matt Cooke is one disgusting mother fucker, who requires a severe, severe beating. Enough with the bullshit hits. Start respecting those who you play the game with.

Need Ice In Phoenix said...

I have CenterIce so I got the live game plus 4 replays. I watched 3 of the four replays including the one that started at 1:30A Phx time. I couldn't sleep because my mind was churning through all those goals. SWEEEEEET!!!!

@Ashferddd
I caught the Erreyism. Loved it! Did you by chance catch Max making love to the camera at the end of his interview? Most guys split as soon as Potash says thanks, but Max gave the camera a lingering glance with a dirty smirk. Lovin that man!

I hope the Pens go to MSG on Monday and "kick em while they're down!!!!"

Go Pens!

Annie S said...

Firstly, I am PISSED that Cookie was suspended. He deserved it, no doubt, but I'd like whoever made that decision to explain to me just how he got a suspension and Richards didn't for knocking Booth into the Stone Age, or OV for his hit on Kaleta or whoever it was. A month later, and Booth still can't watch TV without getting a headache and blurred vision. For fuck's sake, suspend one, suspend them all. I guarantee it's going to take a career or maybe life-ending injury before the league starts deciding to suspend everyone who deserves it.

Secondly, when Sid scored his fourth career hat trick, I was at a Springfield Falcons game behind their fucking bench, watching Beautiful Billy Thomas get two points and second star of the game.

(I also may or may not have taken photographs and a 10 minute video of the players on the bench shaking their booty's to the arena music...)

Ashferddd said...

@Need Ice in Phoenix - I did! It was so great. Oh, I love good ol' Maxy Talbot

And on the Cookie thing, he definitely deserved that suspension. There's no doubt. I just wish that when other players pull the same crap they would receive the same, or at least FAIR treatment. With that said, pray to Curry that the boys take care of Avery again. Bitch has some issuessssss.

Hopalong Cassidy said...

@Annie S - I was at the game where Richards hit Booth, right on the glass behind the Panthers bench. I don't think I've ever felt more anger coming from a team. I really agree with you, you can't pick and choose. Cooke deserved suspension, but not an ounce more than Richards did.

Kimberlass said...

OMG THAT WAS ME BUT MY IDIOT BOYFRIEND NEVER SIGNS OUT OF GMAIL CURRY DAMNIT.

Need Ice In Phoenix said...

This was my first attempt at making a Blingee. I just LOVE this photo!

Wack-A-DoucheBag

 
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Puck Huffers by Kimberly Davidson and Zoƫ Hayden is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.