Friday, October 23, 2009

stairway to heaven.

What?
Like, seriously, WHAT?
This game was the most bizarre, confusing, emotional wreck of an event ever. We're glad we escaped with our lives, let alone two points.
If ever we need a single game from this season to remind us of the entirety of last season? This is the leading candidate thus far. The hopeful beginning. The quick meltdown. The over-thinking every play. The multiple chances for a turnaround failed. The despair. The rebound. The return of the hunger. The comeback. The epic finish.
Do you see it? We do.

The press, however, did not see the game at all.
This should be fun.

Let's roll out the awards.

MOST AWKWARD NEW FSN FEATURE THAT WE DON'T APPRECIATE AT ALL
We'll accept "Defy Ordinary" because we know we have to.
We'll even look the other way when the "New Pittsburgh" commercials come on, and just pretend nothing ever happened. All because we love FSN and our organization and we're willing to let them make mistakes.
But these starting lineup introductions have got to stop. Never have the boys looked more awkward staring into the camera, wondering why they didn't read their contract clauses a little bit more carefully. For the first few games, okay, maybe. But it's getting to be too late in the season for you to be acting like I don't know where my boys are from. It's the job of the major networks to offend our hockey knowledge, boys. Let Versus spoon feed us information and rules, you just keep making weird references and searching for the blunt you dropped under the broadcasting table.
Although, we must say, the shameful grin Brent Johnson gives when declaring he hails from Detroit, like he knows he's done something wrong, is somewhat precious.

MOST IGNORED WARNING SIGNS
The Penguins start out looking pretty good. Not their best, but not so bad that it's suspicious. You just figure that they're warming up.
Gogo and TK try to make something happening, but some overpassing makes it fail. At this point you're still fine with that, you think it's cute that they are trying. You can see Alex and Tyler hanging out after the game talking about it, giggling about puppies and weaving friendship bracelets into the night. It's not a sign that they overpassed - it's a sign that they were trying to make something happen!
Oh how naive we all were.
Skoula - who is a cutie and doesn't quite understand the famed Danny Potash interview just yet - gets off a great shot on his first shift.
My notes read "Sid and Kuney try something fancy. No dice. Vokoun looks good."
How little I knew back then.

MOMENTS YOU BARELY REMEMBERED BY THE END OF THE FIRST PERIOD
It wasn't all bad news. Skoula may or may not have interfered, we're not really clear on what went down in those moments. No matter. Brent Johnson, our little Michigan boy, stones David Booth, in another display of foreshadowing.
Seriously, this game could be an eighth grade literature lesson.
Staal covers about ten yards of ice when he goes down to block a shot.
The penalty is killed, the Pens have the best third line in hockey, Feds is throwing shit around, Pascal is blocking shots...it's kind of lovely. Our penalty kill is looking supurb.
Oh, wait...

THE BEGINNING OF THE FALL AWARD
Gogo gets called for crosschecking.
Fuckfuckfuck.
We hold it down for a little bit.
Not long enough.

We'll get ours, kitties. You just wait.
WAIT WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE SCORING AGAIN ASEFJHADSFJ

At least Bob Errey talked about waffles. Nothing soothes the pain of failure like breakfast food.
They Kitties trap up the rest of the period.
We look hungry for the last minute, but you assume correctly that's it's probably just all of that talk about waffles.

MOST NOTABLY ABSENT
The period starts and it's clear the Penguins are trying a little bit harder this time around.
Brooks gets a hooking call out of Booth. The hook happened, yes, but Brooksie threw in a little production number to make sure it got noticed. We love watching that man throw a fit.
We try to generate something on the PP, but something just isn't right.
"Life without Sergei Gonchar is not so good so far."
Truer words have rarely come from the mouth of Sir Robert Errey.
The PP is tragic without Sarge. It burns us to look.
Come back, Sarge.

THE FAILED COMEBACK AWARD
In the depths of last season we thought every game we won was the start of a comeback we were wrong all but one time. Sometimes it just isn't the moment that you are looking at.
TK manages some heroic moves; Vokoun is a beast.
Cappy and Billy G go ape shit in front of the net and can't get anything in.
Then before you know it, Kunitz is dropping the gloves with Ballard. They even drop the lids like good boys do. Kuney gets in some swift ones before going down. We'll take it.
Johnson takes down a 3 on 1 opportunity and is holding up his end of the bargain, meanwhile the boys are still overpassing. Huglugluglug.
The period ends with Cappy falling on the blue line like a drunkard, Jordy MIA, and us feeling hopeless again despite the sudden upward spike.

MOMENT THAT MADE YOU CRY WITH JOY AND HUG THE STRANGERS ON EITHER SIDE OF YOU
We start the period with a fake PP. We don't really care what the refs are smoking at this point, we'll take what we can get.
Billy G and Malks try to make magic, but it's not happening.
We almost score, but it's on the delayed penalty which spells out awesome. The 5 on 3 looks like it might be ugly for way too long, until an amazing keep play is made and Gogo throws it at the Captain, who proceeds to finally introduce the puck to the back of the Kitties' net.
You would have given up your first born for that goal.
Luckily you can keep them for bartering away in more important games now.

MOST FAMILIAR BROADCAST
FSN, we almost forgot how bad it really gets back there in the press box.
Errey starts talking about Johnson's mask and Led Zeppelin. Johnson proceeds to get out of the net on a weird bounce, and makes it back just in time not only to block the goal, but to get an interference call against the Kitties. Errey screams "LED ZEPPELIN, BABY!"
Minutes later he's making Dazed and Confused references left and right.
There hasn't been this much pot in Mellon arena since...well, several games last season. But still. We feel like the season is truly under way now.

BEST HOCKEY PLAYER EVER
Booth has been scary in this game. He's been everywhere, all the time, and it's starting to get really annoying. He looses his stick at some point in play and heads to the bench...but then the puck comes his way.
So what does he do?
He grabs the puck and throws it.
Wut. Hold on. One more time.
HE GRABS THE PUCK AND HE FUCKING THROWS IT OMG ASKFJHADKFJSH
Errey is in hysterics. "He lost his stick and then he lost his mind." More Dazed and Confused references thrown around.
We wish we could have scored on the following PP, but really, this penalty was a treat in itself.
Is he FUCKING RETARDED?
Dumbest thing we've seen in a game of hockey in forever. It was great.

BEST BAD NEWS
Things happen, blahblah, goal gets called off, blahblah.
Brooks Orpik gets a penalty.
We're silently cursing him out of anger, having no idea moments later Cappy would be thanking him for it.
First short handed goal of his career.
What a man.

MOST WORTHLESS FIVE MINUTES FOLLOWED BY WIN
OT gets on our nerves anymore.
But the shootout proves exciting, if only because Errey and Steiggy keep talking about Finnish people and how they can finish. All this Finn talk is getting us excited.
Not nearly as excited as Cappy's lone goal.
Well, didn't someone eat their peanut butter sandwich this morning?
He's our leader for a reason, folks.

KITTIES 2
PENS 3
PENS WIN

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

GAYEST PRESS PHOTO EVER WHICH IS ALSO KIND OF EPIC. BUT STILL REALLY GAY.


ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS

1. Johnson The arena was way too filled with marijuana tonight, and the proof is that this boy didn't get a real star. As Brooks said, the man deserved the win.

They call him Johnny. Tee-hee.

2. TK - Still the fastest man alive. On the best line ever. We're sort of in love with him. And we're hiring him out to punch Jordy in the face for worrying us by missing way too much of the game.

3. Gonch - Make more pretty Russian babies while you are away. We love you.

We made it out alive.
We're kind of surprised.
Whatevs. Best October ever.
...literally.

Go Pens.

11 comments:

CrackerLilo said...

I bit my nails down to the quick! Do you think Staal will pay for the new acrylics I now desperately need if I ask? (There's a promotion idea in this someplace.)

Boy, Crosby looks pleased with himself in that picture after the shorthanded goal. Well, I'm pleased with him, too. I'm glad he was good and motivated by the no-goal call, though I always laugh when he tries to talk his goals-that-aren't legal. His gesturing at the bench was almost as hilarious as Booth throwing that puck--I'm still thinking, "What the *hell*?" And, of course, the Led Zeppelin thing had me feeling about the same way.

Speaking of which, my ex-boyfriend poisoned me against Zep, but Johnson convinced me that guys who like that band don't all suck.

Thanks for the recap--you captured all the emotions in that game, and there were so damn many!

MadMax84 said...

Total fail on the press' part. But I digress.

Re. "Let Versus spoon feed us information and rules, you just keep making weird references and searching for the blunt you dropped under the broadcasting table." -- Oh my god, PH, could you be more awesome?

Did anyone else hear one of the boys yell encouragement to "Kuney" as he dropped the gloves? Love it. I'd like to think Billy G dropped some words of wisdom on him before he skated off to let Kunitz ... well, be tackled by Ballard, but that's besides the point.

The pic of Sid's goal needs to be blown up, poster-size. Geno gives great celebrations.

And speaking of the diving, master of the blue line keep-in -- this video would have helped soothe the wounds I was beginning to imagine appearing after a 2-0 loss to the Kitties. A 3-2 shootout win on the heels of "Johnny's" greatness and Sid's majesty make the shirtless wonder oh so much better. He finishes interviews when he freaking FEELS like it, okay? Pimp.

Ashferddd said...

Thank you for honoring mine (and Annie's) wishes. Epic post. Unreal game. Time to take down Uncle Daddy Fatty Tonight!

And I highly recommend drunkblog for future FSN broadcasts. No regrets whatsoever.

Ashferddd said...

And, oh yes, as we promised, Annie S and I will have the FSN drinking game posted for you bitches soon.

Annie S said...

YES - drunkblog makes everything better. Though we'd recommend working on double whiskey sours instead of shots, so you don't die.

1 shot every time FSN misses a play = death.
1 shot every time Potash calls someone "dude" = death.
2 shots for every Erreyism = DEATH.

bluzdude said...

Re: Kunitz fight,

I much prefer the fights that occur through the flow of events, rather than the pre-arranged during the face-off bouts between the designated tough-guys.

Just something about a dude getting all pissed off and wanting to whale on someone... Or even seeking vengance for a perceived transgression.

Need Ice In Phoenix said...

@MadMax84

Geno's postgame interview was classic! I think he intimidates the media. He’s a master!
And it was nice of him to cover for Flower with the obligatory shirtless postgame interview.

ANovak017 said...

Kind of happy I missed this game. I was seeing Where the Wild Things Are reliving my childhood.
Thank you for the recap..much appreciated. The only thing I regret about missing it is Pauly and Bobby.

MadMax84 said...

@ Need Ice in Phoenix: As TK would say, Fersher! All we need to do is get him a big silver chain to wear around his neck and a backwards cap and, frankly, I wouldn't be able to tell the difference.

@bluzdude: Agreed. There just happens to be an element of whoops-a-daisy with the real fights that always tickles me.

@ANovak017: I too missed the game, though for reasons far inferior to seeing Where the Wild Things Are. Got to see some AHL hockey (Albany River Rats -- aka the worst team ever EVER ever -- vs. Rochester Americans). Highlight? One Mr. JEFF TAFFE being on Rochester. And, as per bluzdude above, there was a staged, post-face-off fight, and it's a yawner compared to a good, ole-fashioned, "You ran my goalie? Now you DIE" fight.

Tap of the stick to Ashferddd and Annie S for being awesome drunk bloggers. Form a consortium with Allison and let the games begin!

csstriker said...

I was at a pinball party last night, and we had the live feed on the flat screen in the den...the damn thing kept going out, but we all sat around it eagerly waiting for something to happen...we didn't get to see that much of the game, but in the end, we hopped on around midnight to check out your blog for the news and of course, the lulz

what a game....freaking nuts

mer said...

Bossman: Crosby sucks!

Mer: Yeahyeah, Crosby sucks, PENS WIN!

Bossman: He shouldn't be captain! They only made him captain because he's a fricken golden boy. What has he ever done?

Mer: Remind me again? When was the last time your team won the Cup? Oh, THAT'S RIGHT! NEVER.


Bossman is a Canucks fan. He is still sore from Chicago whooping Van in the 2nd round last May. This conversation resulted in me being called a "not a puck bunny but, like, a puck... porcupine"

 
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