For 57 minutes, you probably thought this was our reckoning.
The moment the hockey gods were going to be like "whoops, guys, we didn't MEAN that" and show us how easily we can be dismantled by a few injuries and a hardworking, fast, physical opposition.
The Penguins were exposed. . .
As those inimitable, reckless fucking bastards that we know they are, the ones that cause us to scream when we're not supposed to when others are sleeping, the ones that make us jump up and down with zero regard for propriety.
Boys will be boys.
We have to give them awards anyway.
MOMENT MOST INDICATIVE OF THE ENTIRE GAME
Early on, the Penguins get a power play.
Kris Letang is working the left point. He gets a pass. And just falls down for no apparent reason.
We should have known from that point onward that shit was going to be good.
The Jackets got some PP, too, but nothing actually happened.
We could go on like this all goddamned night.
Rick Nash is dancing around like he's been offered cake for entertaining us.
Our PK blocks like nine million shots and clear. You can hear the Pens fans cheering at the arena for the puck clear. It's a good sound, but there's something hollow for it, too.
ANGRIEST BROOKS ORPIK EVER
Some more ridiculous fooling about ensues.
You see an actual coherent play and realize it's Crosby's line. Duh on the coherence. You didn't think Chris Bourque was out there, did you?
Jackets are working their asses off, just like PH staff knows they do.
But Johnson is holding the fort. Nationwide breaks out the theme song to the X-Files. Bizarre moment.
Then it happens. Rick Nash trips Brooks, our new man in the A. A few seconds later, however, he is assessed a penalty for tripping somebody else.
We had asked the question about Rick Nash's blood. We'll drop by Brooksie's place sometime soon to see if any of it comes out.
Fattie we know we can't trust you, damn it. You and your beautiful truck.
This is in the middle of a power play that Columbus definitely shouldn't have had, so the refs make up for it by not calling the Pens after they did something totally illegal to Voracek.
Next thing you know, they score.
Well thank god we used up our blatant no-call right before a goal was scored.
MOST MURDER WE'VE EVER SEEN
Then Derek Dorsett mistakes Brooks for a lesser man and pushes him into Johnson.
And for some reason Brooks is going to the box again after Johnson was basically fucking hurt.
Brooks FLIPS SHIT AT THE REF.
Soooo much blood.
Somehow we get a PP out of it.
Letang with an amazing shot, but Mason holds it down.
We get in one final shot at the buzzer, but if you thought Stevey was going to let that up you were sadly mistaken.
MOST BEAUTIFUL STATISTIC
At intermission, we talk about how big Rick Nash is on his knees.
Then we are treated to a surprising graphic:
Boy's moving up in the world.
MOMENT THAT MADE YOU CRINGE UNCOMFORTABLY AND PROBABLY CRY
Early second period, Sid gets ruined by Vermette and is quite clearly injured. Vermette doesn't seem to have really meant it, but do we give a shit?
Nice. Just what we need. Another man down.
Injury-talk leads inevitably to a great Marian Gaborik joke.
Conner is everywhere. Maybe upset about the Great Captain going down.
Crosby's back, though. He seems okay. Thank you, Curry.
Bob Errey says "shutout" for Stevey's benefit.
Errey and Steiggy talk about how Sid clearly can't be feeling well. Thanks, just keep telling us that.
MOMENT YOU RETRACTED STATEMENTS OF LOVE AND WENT TO CRY IN A CORNER
Commodore with some amazing keep that shouldn't have happened.
And as a result of that keep, we poop in our own mouths.
No forwards down low, as astutely pointed out by Errey.
What the fuckkk?
Rick Nash buries it. 2-0.
Goligoski blocks a shot. Is basically saving the team.
Steiggy is all doom-and-gloom like somebody's Catholic grandmother visiting friends in the cancer ward.
So, let's call a penalty on the Penguins.
Chris Bourque PUT THE 40'S DOWN WE ARE PLAYING HOCKEY THIS EVENING
MOMENT YOU CONSIDERED JOINING PEOPLE ON THE BRIDGE
Pens get called for another penalty--this time a hook.
Not much going on, except Goligoski being a hero and Johnson making saves.
Then Kunitz becomes seized with an unholy desire for glory. And rushes the fuck ahead. First, Stevey stones him. Nash gets inside the net to hide while Stevey is eating snow. Really just a very inglorious moment. But Kunitz. . .Kunitz buries it. Shorthanded. SUCK IT HATERS. 2-1
REQUISITE DRUNKEN INTERLUDE
We get a Staal Brothers picture for no apparent reason.
Entire bottle of Jack to yourselves, guys.
Johnson is a stud. Amazing saves.
Columbus is apparently outnumbering us in the corners.
MOMENT THAT YOU THOUGHT WE WERE TYING THIS SHIT
Finally the Jackets get called for something. This is our time. Remember? Remember us? Remember this?
Goligoski, Sid, and Billy go absolutely fucking insane. The way that Sid and Guerin and Gogo have been playing, you're in shock that the puck isn't in the net.
But of course: out of the box Sammy Pahlsson gives it to Dorsett and Dorsett and Johnson are alone on an island together where he can either backhand it or forehand it and he backhands it behind Johnson and we're down and out.
Penguins are angry. Bobby Errey knows it.
Period ends with another call on us. We're almost excited to hear them announced at this point!
PERIOD THAT SHOULD HAVE HURT A LOT LESS
Period starts and the Pens are killing this penalty.
We get the picture.
Kunitz is being the best player on the ice and wants nothing more than to fuck up some Blue Jackets, but nothing is going on.
And then they call a penalty on Sid. You know. Fun and games. We do like this.
We're killing it beautifully though. We could hang this PK in a museum.
Still down by 2 though, everyone.
Honestly, you've probably stopped caring. No one looks particularly excited to be there, and time is getting short.
With four minutes left, we don't quite look like we care yet.
As soon as the clock winds below three though, we look a-fucking-mazing.
The Bourque-Staal-Fedotenko line, like an awkward, ugly middle child, suddenly tries to accomplish something in the wake of its forebears.
Fedotenko has a wide-open net.
This, folks, is hockey.
MOST HOPE ACCOMPLISHED IN THE SHORTEST AMOUNT OF TIME
It's like suddenly we decide that not really clicking for 57 minutes didn't fucking matter.
Goligoski with an absolutely amazing shot from waaaaaaay out there.
Man of the fucking hour.
There is still over a minute left. Dangerous shit.
Rupp gets a shot off with like 7 seconds left. Mason the save. Steiggy giggles over it.
For some reason Bob Errey wants to tell us what the rules of NHL regular season overtime is.
Thanks Bobby, we didn't know.
He's also talking about Gogo's mustache. Because we're all in love with it. Don't ever shave it, Alex. You sexy man, you.
MOST FEVERISH OVERTIME
4-on-4 is always horrifying.
Crosby with some epic pokecheck on Nash as he's cutting to the middle. Oh god. Don't tease us.
Too many moments of almost to count, as overtime always is.
We're biting our tongues here.
Life is hard.
Life is so hard.
Mason with some amazing save on Ktang right in front. God.
Suddenly we have a 23 second power play. But it's cleared.
And then we fail to shoot it at an open net. And it's shootout time.
And now we have shootout rules on the screen because we started watching hockey four days ago.
Vermette = fail
Letang = post. no dice.
Rick Nash = missed the goal. nope.
Sid = Mason LOOKED like he made the save but then he just let the puck trickle over for no apparent reason. Stevey are you drunk?
WHOEVER WENT LAST = JOHNSON WITH A BEAUTIFUL GLOVE SAVE
LOLOL SORRY KRISTIAN
Somehow, we can play hockey for less than ten minutes and accomplish what takes other teams an entire game.
We can't keep doing this shit. We have to count our blessings. It's an 82-game season and we have men who need to come back and be their best.
We got heart and luck right now and not a ton else.
Still: Bring It.
INTERNATIONAL SPELLING BEE CHAMPIONSHIP
Your prize is in the mail.
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Gogo - how did he not get a real one? Scandalous.
2. Chris Bourque - for only having three 40's tonight
3. Jared Boll - Five shifts of glory.
We're pretty awesome.
Friday, October 30, 2009
For 57 minutes, you probably thought this was our reckoning.