Saturday, October 31, 2009

halloween, bitches.

Yesterday was Halloween.
Or, you know, according to the backdate of this post, today is Halloween.
Happy Halloween, bitches. We hope you all got laid in your most likely hockey-based costumes. Allison really got it all right when she went out of the house dressed as a puckbunny, setting the course for an entirely new world of ironically slutty hockey-wear. All of that drinking gets ideas into her head, and sometimes they are amazing. Other times they are along the lines of "HEY GUYS LET'S STOP AT THIS BAR, I NEED ANOTHER SHOT AND I SWEAR WE WON'T MISS THE TRAIN OUT OF BROOKLYN."
What did you go as?
We'll forgive you if it wasn't as awesome.

The Pens played the Wild.
Petr was a dick.
Cal was...Cal.
The Pens played well but couldn't get it done when push came to shove. You can't win 'em all, even though sometimes it looks like we really are that immaculate.
We're not depressed. Fuck. Are we ever?
Awards show doesn't seem fitting. Let's talk costumes.

Legends of the Hidden Temple Contestant
Alex Goligoski
Little Alex sure does want to prove us wrong. He overheard us bitching about his contract back in the day and he is yet to forget it. 23 shifts, and the kid's plus/minus is making ladies' periods later than this post.
Left the house as a Green Monkey contestant. Not cocky enough to be a Silver Snake, he's one of the kids who cleverly cheats my using his knees on the slide challenge, and seems to know the hidden location of every temple guard. We root for him only after we realize our original pick was a shitting idea, and tell our friends we were always REALLY rooting green. Fucking Purple Parrots.
We were always on your side, little Alex.
Keep it up.

The Token Slut Costume
Petr Sykora
Now now, Petey, we miss you too. But we don't show it by acting all enraged whenever you come around. This always happens. A favorite leaves on possibly bad terms, comes back and acts kind of like an ass. He tried to main Tanger's pretty face, and while we understand that maybe that felt like the right thing to do at the time, long term this is not the message you want to send to the Penguins.
Petey was, of course, a very sexy French maid this Halloween. Everyone hates that fucking bitch that parades around in next to nothing because she couldn't think of anything more clever to rock than her own cleavage. But in the end, that's the drunk bitch that gets the party started by dancing on the bar and needing her stomach pumped by 11 p.m. And she's kind of hot. What can you do? We love you, Petey. Now put on some pants.

Ryan Whitney
Chris Borque
We can thank Chris for giving us a new reason to roll around on the ground screaming "WHY, PENS ORGANIZATION?" Caused WWII, the holocaust, and pancreatic cancer. He is why smoking is bad for you and the reason you didn't get laid on prom night.
Thank you very fucking much, sir.

Popeye
Sidney Crosby
Cappy, oh Cappy, how you make us proud. What with your rapidly increasing faceoff percentage, learning when it is and isn't okay to embellish a hit, and generally proving to everyone that you are better than them and they can go fuck off.
Clearly he's a sailor man.

Missing
Puck Huffers Staff
Forgive our absence. We love you more than all those we are rutting in sin with. We doubt you expect our full sobriety on holidays regardless, but still. Sometimes we feel guilty. Here is our formal apology, notarized by all the necessary officials.

Forgot His Costume
Eric Godard
No one realized. Won best costume. Always brings his pimp suit.


So the Pens lost.
It happens.
THAT DOES NOT MEAN WE LIKE IT OR CONDONE IT, DO YOU HEAR US?
Now stop that shit.

As always, your comment ideas will be better than anything we can do.
What were the boys wearing?
Do it.

Go Pens.

9 comments:

Annie S said...

Petr was kind of a dick, but it's still impossible for me not to love him. I'd like to know what he and Tanger were saying to each other. Dramadramadrama.

I also wonder how the Crosby Hate Brigade will pick apart that fight and make it all proof that Sid's a whiny, divey, immature, bratty child. *Pfft*

If I didn't have shitloads of homework this week, I'd suggest getting together for a sleepover where we can all stay up late, watch the west coast games, and play the FSN Drinking Game. I've still got all that booze in my cupboard...

CrackerLilo said...

It must've just been a good weekend for people who don't normally fight to drop the gloves. I got into my first bar fight in *years* in a country bar in Florida on Friday. I may need to ask Orpik how best to get blood out of suede cowgirl boots. And I wasn't even drinking or dressed in costume!

Crosby learned how to really fight, though! There are tons of videos of that on YouTube. Good to see.

What's this about Letang and Sykora? Someone elaborate, please. I don't think there's nearly as much video of that.

I was on Bourque's side just because his becoming a Penguin pissed off Caps fans so much, but that's no longer enough. OTOH, Goligoski's just plain impressed me.

Sorry I don't have any costume ideas for the guys.

Allison's Mouth Full of Tang said...

OMG
stunned

but yea, being a puckbunny was the most fun halloween costume.
you can witness it, in all its glory, plus the requisite bottle of booze in hand here

"Everyone hates that fucking bitch that parades around in next to nothing because she couldn't think of anything more clever to rock than her own cleavage." -AMEN. seriously.

i missed this game, and it sounds like i didn't miss anything worthwhile...although I am about to youtube Cappy's fight and Petr trying to harm Tanger's perfect face.

Allison's Mouth Full of Tang said...

oh, and what saddens me is that some Pittsburgh natives informed me that they have seen basically that exact outfit at penguins home games. Vomit.

Ashferddd said...

Such an epic post. Epic game, too, even though our boys lost. and Annie, FSN drinking game is on again for next weekend, bitch! I have vodka and Hint of Lime Tostitos. I played it last night and it was a success. Let's do this.

mer said...

I was a puckbunny for Hallowe'en. I rocked my Sens jersey and a red tartan mini in 3-inch stilettos.

Number of guys who got it without me having to explain: 1.

Number of guys who hit on me with hockey-related pick up lines regardless of getting it: 11.

Number of guy who took it upon themselves to tell me my team sucks: ~25, but irrelevant since the teams I cheer for have been in the SCF for three year running and their teams had not.

ANovak017 said...

I went as the Stanley Cup, but no one really got it b/c I took this year as my obligatory shitty costume year. Next year will be epic, we're already planning it out. For those of you who say it's insane, you have to when you go to Ohio University.

I was getting text updates throughout the game. Not too disappointed I missed the game. I did however go to the Jackets game and call Chris Bourque a piece of shit...all in front of two little kids.

MadMax84 said...

Epic post. Legends of the Hidden Temple reference? Be still, my heart. Although poor Ryan Whitney, still being used (albeit in a different context) as our excuse for all that is wrong with the world. I never hated on Whitter as much as I do Bourque. He just ... ARGH.

Gogo went as a stone-cold pimp. Man, is that stache fly. Plus, he's putting up minutes like Mike Green puts his heels up every time he's in the defensive zone.

I STILL don't understand what happened with Petr/Tanger. Errey was all, "Aww, love taps!" and I agreed. But the second time they clashed, that was some hate. Or at least discourteous usage of sticks. Color me confused. Although Kaitlin's Petr-crotch-grab made my day. Some things never change.

I went as a 7/8ths skate hollow. My Curry, Errey provides me with the most amazing hockey knowledge. And then proceeds to hammer it home with illustrations for the next 10 minutes.

MadMax84 said...

I totally referenced Kaitlin's Petr crotch-grab from the other post. Apologies. Backdating's got me all a-twitter.

 
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