Thursday, October 22, 2009

EVERYDAY TASKS WITH THE PENS

This week featuring
GROCERY SHOPPING WITH ERIC GODARD

"What time is it?" Eric answers the door clad in gym shorts and a white tee. His hair is askew. We get the impression that he just woke up.
The crew puts their cameras down. "Fuck, are we early again?"
"No...no. We're twenty minutes late. Eric, honey, it's 3:52. Were you asleep?"
"No...ahhh...come in. I was just playing Halo. We're grocery shopping, right? Right." He nods to himself before disappearing into the house. We follow behind. "The house is a little messy. Usually, uhh, Bella takes care of that. She's on vacation right now." We move aside the empty pizza boxes, soda cans, and unidentifiable food on grease-soaked paper plates to find a place to sit on the couch. Most of the crew elects to stand. The television screen is paused on Master Chief poised for attack.

"Okay, let's go." He comes back out, nothing changed but his shirt.

In the car on the way to the store, Eric gets on the phone.
"Just one second, I have to call the store." We look at one another, confused, as he talks to someone on the phone. When he hangs up, he looks around at our confused faces. "You know. Just to let them know I'm, uhh, that I'm coming."

Upon arrival at the store, we are greeted at the doors by a man wearing a white smock. "Mister Godard! So pleased to see you!" He looks nervous. "Please, come back into the kitchen and see if everything is correct. We follow him as far as the doors into the kitchen, and he then gives us the one-minute signal. We wait about fifteen minutes before he comes back out. "Okay. They're loading my truck." He starts to walk but feels us hesitate. "Uhh, I need them to deliver it. Separately. I like the guy who butchers here, so I use him for uhh, most of my beef. I get my bacon and stuff from, uhh, another guy downtown. That truck comes on Mondays. I can't have them all come at once, so I split it up."
"So, uhh, mostly that's it. I get a few other things while I'm here." We follow him through the aisles as he grabs various things from the shelves. "Gushers. I eat a lot of those. And pop-tarts. Those are my favorites."
He grabs some A1 steak sauce from the shelf and turns around with purpose to address us. "A good steak doesn't need steak sauce. But I have to get some. Sometimes I get distracted by, uhh, the x-box. And then things get a little weird and I need this. But normally this is off limits."
He grabs some canned vegetables and an unusual amount of beans with no explanation. He throws two jars of peanut butter into the cart with an eye roll. "Me? I like peanut butter right out of the jar. With my fingers. Sid comes over sometimes. Parties and things. He's afraid to eat the steak because I won't cook it the way he wants it. He ruins steak. So he eats, uhh, peanut butter sandwiches. But he won't use jars I put my fingers in." He rolls his eyes again. We nod our heads understandingly. We too have been subject to Cappy's love of peanut butter sandwiches.
With that, we proceed to the checkout line. The woman at the register called out to us. "Mister Godard! you can go to register number 5!" Register number 5 opens immediately. He moves forward. The total almost makes us faint, but he dismisses it with a wave. "This is an easy week. Usually we're looking at double this, but I'm not expecting company this week."
"This is a weekly trip?!" A crew member asks. We elbow him in the ribs to shut him up.
Eric shrugs. He swipes the card and moves on. "So uhhh, do you guys need to see like, uhh, me put this shit in the freezer when the truck gets to my house?"
We shake our heads, fearful of what emptying the trucks would look like.
"Uhh, okay Eric. I guess we'll...uhh...catch you later."
"Yeah, uhh, okay. Awesome. I'll see you guys later. Let me know if you need anything."
"Yes, Eric. Of course." And with that we ran from the store, not sure if we should fear for our lives or not.

And thus concludes grocery shopping with Eric Godard.

Go Pens.

30 comments:

SinBinRegular said...

Uh....I apparently have the same diet as Eric Godard...fuck

Sarah said...

pop-tarts and gushers and peanut butter straight from the jar? I think every 4th grader could say the same.

Olivia said...

I totally do the peanut butter straight from the jar thing, except I use a spoon. I guess that Godard shares my hate of doing dishes.

wispensfan said...

Now I understand why he gets along with little kids so well despite ending lives for a living. My seven year old son lives on pop tarts and peanut butter.

utterfrivolity said...

I am weirdly charmed that he changed nothing but his shirt. But the Gushers just gross me out. In any case, highly entertaining.

Catch-up from last post:

TP, I am once again in awe of your skill as a Blingeer. I love the hearts & rainbow best, but "Badass" is almost tasteful, within the context of the ultra-tacky. Kudos.

My own humble contribution:

Another get well Blingee

mer said...

I..... I am just home from work (at a pub where I had a number of drinks on the house after we signed out.... lost count at 4... don't drink with Austrian football players; they're deadly)

This just made my night THAT much better.

CrackerLilo said...

Awww, Godard's a big, scary kid! I'd be disappointed if his real-life diet were much different. I laughed out loud and couldn't explain why when a nearby Rangers fan (my office is full of those) asked. Thanks--keep 'em coming!

Ashferddd said...

Eric Godard and I could be friends. We both love peanut butter a little too much.

25superstar said...

speechless.
overcome by the awesome.

crmzak said...

I have a feeling that all day today I'll be envisioning Godard with bedhead.*

So I literally just got off the phone after leaving a message that my kid's friend could sleep over tomorrow night, because I knew we were playing the Panthers tonight. As per Crmzak Family Rule #66, everything is scheduled around Pens games. Totally forgot about the Devils. Shitfuck.

::bows down in respect to the Blingees and Blingee-masters::

*After I typed that, Ice Cube's "Damn It Was a Good Day" popped into my head as the internal soundtrack for that image of Eric. Weird. Maybe your post incited that selection?

Megs said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Megs said...

Nice to know that Eric has the same bad habit as Puck from the Real World San Fransisco!

As for the A1, it's true that you don't use it unless the steak sucks or it has no flavor (which also sucks). I hope he marinades properly.

@CrackerLilo - I was being a dork looking up on google if Sidney Crosby really does like P-butter sandwiches and I found this article about Eric Godard's diet lmao. Trust me, it's amusing. Here's the link:http://www.post-gazette.com/pg/08335/931702-61.stm

@crmzak - great song selection! I was kind of thinking "Damn It Feels Good To Be A Gangsta" by Geto Boys, but Ice Cube is just as good.

Finally, one last thing, bigups to the mad Blingee skills.

CrackerLilo said...

@ Megs: That's awesome. Godard may actually be a big, scary kid! I love the story about Lemieux, too.

Don't know about Crosby, but I'm vegetarian, work in an office with two gross microwaves, and can't afford takeout all the time. I owe my continued existence to peanut butter sandwiches! (Not fried with banana, though!)

Hand of Godard said...

All this time I thought I was the only one who thought a good steak has no need for sauce.

MadMax84 said...

I love the continuity involved with these masterpieces. We go from Brooks Orpik washing blood off his jerseys to Eric Godard loading a shitton of raw meat into his house.

They are MEN. My heart skips a beat when I think of what PH has in store for Cupcake. Or 30 Dicks, for that matter.

Brilliance.

PS: Is it wrong that I can't stop watching J. Toews get demolished by Mitchell? Is that ... how do we say, uncouth?

Annie S said...

This is brilliant. I for one can't wait to see what an everyday task with Tanger will be. We all know TK's will be grooming his many ponies on his ranch with hot bitches.

The Goon Blogger said...

Eric Godard is an amazing human being.

Need Ice In Phoenix said...

I automatically assumed that Godard only eats a portion of the meat he has delivered . . . the rest he uses for "practice."

Think about it. Punching a big piece of "partially thawed meat and bone" would be just like "decking" a Flyer or a Cap right?

AmyB said...

HHAAHAHA. Captain's peanut butter sandwiches made me lol. As did the gratuitous depiction of meat. Gushers and pop-tarts omg. It inspired me.

Annie S said...

Ashferddd and I are currently developing a drinking game for this game. We're halfway sloshed already. Details will follow...

Annie S said...

We're calling a 3rd period comvack. We're also slightly drunk, so take that as you will.

AmyB said...

LETS GO PENS
I'm really jealous of all drunk bitches right now.

Annie S said...

Errey: "He lost his mind."

Take a shot.

Annie S said...

WE CALLED THAT SHIT!!!! SID'S FIRST REGULAR SEASON SHORTY IN HIS CAREEER!!!! FSDA;LFSDAJ;LFSDA;JKLFSDA

Annie S said...

SIDNEY BE THE FATHER OF OUR CHILDREN!!!

utterfrivolity said...

Ok, the Pens' record is just getting kinda ridiculous now.

Annie S said...

We called it! Comeback City!!! Best fuciking scart in Octover ever, bitches. We need a monument made for us, right now. Drunkblog - we love SIDDDD! Asferddd would like to make it known that she wants his children. TAKE A SHOT! 3RD PERIOD TEAM, BISHES! And nice haircut, Sid. Will you live with us and let su be your herem? Fuuuuuuck, our team fucking ROCKS. Thank you, goodnight!

Need Ice In Phoenix said...

HAIRCUTS FOR EVERYONE!!!!!!

WHOOOOO HOOOOOO PENSSSSSSS!!!!

Annie S said...

hey this is Ashferddd. Annie S and I are super duper goneeeeee and yes we love Doofy and hockey and Tostitos with Hint of Lime and THE PENGUINS OMFG COMEBACK CITYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Annie S said...

On behalf of Ashferddd and myself, we'd like to say:

1) Drunkblog is sweeeet.
2) Bing is on drugs
3) Gogo si rockin the pornshashe
4) Yay, tim hortons in 1 week! (for Ashferddd, not me.) >:(
5) Fattie Uncle Daddy is going to hell tomorrow.
6) yay pens!

 
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