Thursday, October 15, 2009

brand fucking new

Today, readers, we are introducing a new feature that will be a Thursday/Friday occurrence as a sort of Crash My Net Friday replacement.
The goal of CMNF was to provide commentary about sexiness and manliness to the masses, as a reminder that we are females and we love men.
But we are also, in case you didn't know, batshit crazy. We think you know by now that we dig hockey smiles, fine ass, pretty eyes, donating time to charity, etc.
So we're going to change it up a bit.
Surely you understand.

We proudly present
EVERYDAY TASKS WITH THE PENGUINS

This week's presentation is entitled
LAUNDRY WITH BROOKS ORPIK

"You're early," Brooks says as he opens the door to his apartment and lets in the documentary film crew. "I don't really have everything together yet." He points to the middle of the living room floor, which has three separate piles, divided by lights, darks, and whites. This all primarily seems to consist of pastel-colored polo shirts and pleated khaki dress pants. Inexplicably, there are also several jerseys, both home and away, spread out on the living room couch. Something seems "off" about them, but the film crew knew better than to ask outright. Still, noticing the nervous looks on everybody's faces, Brooks volunteers an explanation.

"Sometimes I get done with a game and there's blood all over me. You know, sometimes this happens in my daily life, too. Really it's just normal. But some people, you know, they don't really understand."

He gives a sheepish look to the camera, and gathers first the load of darks into a wicker laundry basket and leads everyone on back to the laundry room. "I had to have my own washer-dryer," he says, matter-of-factly. "I'm way too picky about how I do this shit to share with anybody. There's a laundry room in the basement. I ignore it."

Brooks transfers the darks from the basket to the washer, adds Tide, and sets the washer to "cold." "When I was growing up my mom always told me to, uh, always wash dark clothes in cold water so the dye didn't run and, like, mess up the other clothes and stuff." The film crew nods, appreciatively. "There really isn't much I can do about the blood. Sometimes it comes out, sometimes it doesn't. I end up having to throw a lot of things away."

"I've tried the Windex method, the hydrogen peroxide method. . .honestly, it depends on the blood. Darren Helm's blood was a bitch to get rid of. Ovechkin's comes out like it's water. It's really a process of trial and error, and the more you experiment the luckier you'll get. Everything I just put in the washer has been pre-treated, you know. The black or navy stuff, it really doesn't matter, unless they're doing a forensic test on it or something, but I have, uh, an agreement with the Pittsburgh police."

Brooks asks the film crew if they want to stick around to watch him do the lights and whites. "Adding bleach is really fun," he adds. "But I warn you, I do have some appointments coming up so I might not be, you know, the most attentive host."

The crew nods.
They've seen what they need to see. They'll leave him to his devices for the rest of the afternoon.

We have been enlightened, haven't we?
Thank you, Brooks, for sharing your laundry with us.
GO PENS.

20 comments:

Candy Man Fan said...

since CMNF is gone, I will take this opportunity to make inappropriate comments

Brooks, I would gladly do your laundry. even your underwear. and wash the sheets after our all-night sexscapades I plan on having in your bed.

glad you picked Brooksie for the first one. I nominate Kuni for the next. go Pens.

AmyB said...

HAHAAH. Good stuff. Only Brooksie can make laundry terrifying. Though I will miss CMNF.

laurrrabeth said...

i like this. i loved cmnf, but there's so much you can do with this. i love your bat crazy asses.

brooooksie. favorite d man. life ruinerrr. wooo. i'm having flashbacks of the the scene in varsity blues where paul walker and his gf are hooking up in the laundry room. brooks, maybe you wanna watch it with me? let me know.

JUDGE

JUDGE.

DRAGON said...

So happy that Brooks was the first. I love that he makes doing laundry a creepy task. I second Candy Man Fan's vote for Kuni as round two, as he's effing adorable.

Caitlin said...

laundry never felt so dirty and hot at the same time... oh brooksie

Kristyyy said...

I've never, ever fantasized about doing laundry in my life, but this has completely changed that. I'll do his laundry any day.

Ashferddd said...

This seriously made my day. Oh Brooksie, give me your laundry.

bowlingpotatoes said...

Brooks makes doing the laundry a creepy yet very intriguing chore.

1wingangel said...

Beautiful. A wonderful start to a truly epic new addition to Puck Huffers lore.

I can't wait to find out which Penguin will be sealing cracks in the driveway.

CrackerLilo said...

Love this! Gave me a good laugh on a very early morning when I needed one. Having Orpik make laundry scary was absolutely inspired.

Can't wait to see what else you come up with! I like the idea of using Kunitz, too (maybe changing a diaper?), and for some reason, I think Crosby would have a hell of a time ordering a pizza.

CrackerLilo said...

Sorry, but I have one more completely unsolicited suggestion. If you're anything like me, you don't like too many reminders about Guerin's wife and kids, but....how about Bill Guerin as the coolest field trip chaperone ever?

utterfrivolity said...

Fucking brilliant new feature. Cannot wait for MAF. Also, gardening. Someone's gotta garden.

25superstar said...

"but I have, uh, an agreement with the Pittsburgh police"

i lost it. fucking hilarious.

ANovak017 said...

@crackerlilo brilliant suggestions...i kind of lost it when i got to sid ordering pizza. you could even substitute geno there for some more s&gs

Julia said...

I LOVE THIS NEW SEGMENT!!! kudos bitches!!

Need Ice In Phoenix said...

Batshit crazy doesn't begin to cover it! OUTSTANDING segment!!!!

If Brooksie's wash load is that freaky I'd hate to see what's in his dryer lint trap (teeth, bone fragments, something that looks like the end of a thumb, etc.)

My vote for the next segment is with CrackerLilo's suggestion . . . BillyG - Field Trip Chaperone.

JSt11 said...

Absolutely brilliant. It's like a fanfic, only not lame and it's not fiction.

Annie S said...

Super late on this, but I also LOVE this segment. Brooksie getting the blood out of his laundry is brilliant. It ALWAYS manages to get all over him by the end of every game, and probably by the end of every day.

Example 1

Example 2

Actually I think those are all from the same game, but you get the idea. Brooks is interchangeably terrifying and adorable, and I love it.

Megs said...

Brooks is obviously a badass when it comes to laundry. He doesn't give a fuck about stains. He just wants his clothes to smell good. (And who can resist a man that smells good? exactly!)

I really like the unsolicited ideas so far. I could totally see Billy G. being a kick ass field trip chaperon. As for Sidney Crosby, I think ordering a pizza is too bland. How about him sweeping the hardwood floors at Mario's house or him babysitting Mario's kids? (Seriously about the sweeping, when I sweep the floors at my house, I pretend I am playing hockey. It sounds silly but it takes a lot of skill to get dust and dog hair nicely concentrated into a pile for easy clean up lol)

While I know that suggestions are unsolicited, I have a two ideas to share...
1. Grocery shopping with Max Talbot
2. Kris Letang cleaning his room

EyeHeartCandy said...

Woooo shit...
I've never before been so turned on reading about someone doing laundry. I can think of a few things he and I could do on top of the dryer while we waited for the clothes to dry...

 
Creative Commons License
Puck Huffers by Kimberly Davidson and Zoƫ Hayden is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.