Monday, September 7, 2009

WELCOME TO THE FUTURE

Have you missed us?
Well, you'll be happy to know that we're kind of back.
Day-to-day posting is on the horizon. Not quite here, but approaching. Does that get you pumped? It should.

Today, in the traditionally epic fashion that has made Puck Huffers an international success, the responsible party for the 1994 suspension of the UN's Trusteeship Council and first blog to be translated in over 54 different languages*, we intend to let you know what you should look for this year. Look no further, we mean everywhere. In the world.

*bullshit

WELCOME TO THE GLORIOUS SEASON THAT THE GODS SHALL CALL
NHL 2010


First up on the menu:
THE PITTSBURGH PENGUINS
DID YOU KNOW?
In 2010 all hockey happens in space.

Brooks Orpik
In desperate need of some killer instincts, the Penguins will climb the highest mountains in the Andes in search of Brooks Orpik, who has been living in a straw-and-mud hut and raising alpacas, valuable both as beasts of burden and as sweaters. Brooks has been teaching them commands in Quechua and while they have become both his livelihood and his best friends, the Great City calls him back to fight. After turning the alpaca business over to native children (with untranslatable words of wisdom) he returns to share his personal hell with all those who dare to cross him, displaying their bloodstains on his jersey for eight more glorious months.

Evgeni Malkin
Malkin, freshly back from burning a small village in the Pitcairn Islands, takes the NHL into his hands and turns it into a relentlessly obedient army for when he plans to take over the world. He misses two games all season, one due to a head cold, and one to kill a man in Reno for reasons we can't quite understand.
He breaks every NHL record ever set, and then some MLB records just for the lulz.

Sidney Crosby
Replaces his hockey stick with a lightsaber. Game, set, match. Bring it, Ovie.

Tyler Kennedy
The President is very busy with political issues this year, tending to his very serious stance on the rights of ponies and hot bitches remaining equal to those of champions. His busy schedule will not, however, prevent him from burying 35 goals shooting from the goal line. If it does for some reason, the stats will be adjusted by a House committee after the season is over.

Pens vs. Toronto Maple Leafs Sun. Dec 27th, 2009
This game will prove to be the most memorable of the 2009 side of the season.
In an uncharacteristic display of effort, the Maple Leafs head into this game on a three game streak after ripping through the Sabres, Isles and Habs in an almost heroic fashion. Vesa Toskala has his promise ring on securely and isn't spreading his legs for anyone. Luke Schenn is a man on fire, beating the shit out of anyone who gives him so much as a sidelong glance. Don Cherry is in a strawberry print suit.
The game starts with Jiri Tlusty getting a natural hat trick in the first 10 minutes of play. Second period begins 0-3, and Mellon Arena is deadly silent.
Cupcake Jay jumps from the bench to begin his shift, scoring on a Malkin-esque spin move, eyes closed for dramatic effect. Seconds later, MalTal buries it from the defensive zone after shooting backwards between his legs. Billy G literally kicks a puck into the Leafs net in the last seconds of the period, but McCreary was too busy grooming his finely trimmed mustache to make the call.
The third period begins 3-3 and no one knows what to expect.
Having equally dominated a period each, the third period of play is a neck and neck race between the Leafs and Pens. It is one of those "next point wins" situations, but the next point never comes.
Overtime, nothing. Shootout.
In a display of courage and faith, Danny B puts Gonch in the shootout lineup. Gonch skates directly into Vesa's crease, laughs, explains 18th century Gustavian period of Finnish art for a few moments, and then taps the puck across the goal line.
Pens win, 4-3.
Write it down.

Pens vs. Florida Panthers Mon. Nov 23rd 2009

The Penguins' first foray into Florida for the 2009-10 season will be a night of incredibly epic proportions. We're not necessarily at liberty to discuss how exactly it will change your life, but we can tell you that the final score will be 10-4 and that midway through the second period, hellfire will begin to rain down upon the Earth as several plagues are sent down in an effort to cleanse humanity of its wrongs. BankAtlantic Center will physically move five miles, riding on a solid swarm of copulating locusts. Vermin will flood the arena; all in attendance will be seized with the urge to speak in tongues. The plagues and mania will cease at the final horn and one of the most amazing hockey games of the century so far will come to a dramatic end. The planet will have been purged of all of its major evils, though the Detroit Red Wings franchise will remain, as, like Tolkien's Gollum, they will still have a part to play, for better or worse, before the saga is over. (Read: we have to wait until January 31st to kick their asses again.)

Assorted

-Tony Granato will eat someone this season. The league will enact no suspension or penalty.
-The world water supply will run out and Penguins bottled water will save the population of Pittsburgh from certain death.
-Never losing again.

Now that we have that all cleared up, we'll open up the range of topics.
LEAGUE WIDE

The San Jose Sharks
For once in their existence, the San Jose Sharks won't choke in the playoffs. In fact, they will knock out Detroit in the first round with a solid shutout sweep. Detroit never even sees the Sharks net. Rather than unceremoniously choking out, the Sharks' will make it to the Western Conference finals where they will meet heartbreaking defeat at the hands of-

The Phoenix Coyotes
The Louisiana MuskratsAfter PH staff purchases the Phoenix Coyotes, relocates them to New Orleans, and changes their name to the Muskrats, they will become a Western team to be reckoned with. Trust us, we know what we're doing here. Bryz looks awesome in this shit.
The Muskrats will make it to the SCF with little problem, and then lose to the Penguins in a hard-fought game seven, after which the Captain of the Muskrats commits honorable suicide at center ice, a franchise tradition.
This same match up happens for the next 5 years, until PH staff decides to sell the Muskrats to Damon Albarn, because we feel like he can maintain the awesome of anything and should be rewarded for providing the hockey world with the services of Blur.

The New York Rangers
Will implode.

The LA Kings

Give Peter Harrold to the Preds, where he wins the award for Best Defenseman Ever, which they invent just for him. Dany Heatley is sold to the Kings. Heatley and Rob Scuderi on the same team would sound like a recipe for awesome, but without Peter Harrold the team falls apart.

And now, to reveal the unhealthy obsessions that developed towards the end of last season and over the summer, and prepare you for odd interests to come-
PUCK HUFFERS WATCH

The Phoenix Coyotes

Our interest in the Coyotes is at maximum capacity right now, just because despite the deal having not yet gone through, they are already our very own Louisiana Muskrats in our hearts. That said, they have several players on our watch.
-Bryz. Because Bryz is always on our watch, always has been on our watch, and always will be on our watch.
-Álvaro "Al" Montoya - Being a third string goalie automatically makes us love you, but it helps that he is the first Cuban-American player in the NHL. We love trend setters.
That, and he's kind of dreamy.
-Vernon Fiddler Looks like the mug shot of a disgruntled hobbit. His name is literally Vernon Fiddler. The NHL creates people like this just to torture us.
Speaking of -

CAL CLUTTERBUCK
Cal, like Bryz, is always on our watch list. Another record breaking year in store for Cal, and another wonderful year for all us Calbunnies.

THE MONTREAL CANADIENS AND THE OTTAWA SENATORS
The teams that we shouldn't like, haven't liked, but are kind of starting to get soft around the edges for.

PETER HARROLD
An irrational love we've developed in the past 6 or so months. Watch out for him. He's kind of awesome.

IN CONCLUSION
This season is going to be another season of awesomeness. Ups, downs, hope, fear, faith, praying to Curry, blanket forts, three AM celebrations, drunkblogging et cetera. That's hockey, it's why we're here. No matter where this season takes us, and no matter how the hell we end up getting there, we're with the Penguins.
And the Penguins have an enormous chance to repeat.
We're talking legendary shit here, folks.
Prepare yourselves for it. We're just a few weeks away from those sweet sounds of blades on ice, Gonch slapshots, and Cappy giggling like a little girl before destroying the lives of others.
As always, it's going to be the time of our lives.

A Reminder:
You have from this moment forward until September 15 when the puck drops at preseason:
- Photoshop Hal Gill onto the USS Constitution. Use any pictures you like.
- Blingee it.
- Send it to puckhuffers@gmail.com with the subject line "ON A BOAT" (uncreative, but easy to sort).
- Win shit if you do it well. Or better than the others. Or more tackily than the others.

As always, our hearts are in this for the Penguins.
Season 2010? Not a problem.
We're looking forward to spending another season with you fine folks.
Go Pens.

24 comments:

Ashferddd said...

Damn I missed you bitches. Epic as always. As you said, "Bring it, Ovie"

Julia said...

so glad you bitches are back!!! :)

coffeytalk said...

i feel tingly all over.

ANovak017 said...

so glad you updated. and as for drunk posts..there will be some courtesy of my RD who said we can drink in the dorms as long as we have our doors shut and she won't give a shit. =)
and cappy's giggles will never cease to bring a smile to my face.
sept. 24..in columbus..cannot come sooner.

JSt11 said...

YAYY!!! Moar unfuckingreal PH. Don't worry, I'll be all over the tacky aspect in the PS contest like Semin on Ovie.

mer said...

With this and the news (seriously, SECOND ITEM ON NHL.com TODAY) of Stefan Legein's imminent AHL superstardom, I am on cloud nine.

The Goon Blogger said...

I go from reading the Fountainhead to this.

Puck Huffers just told Ayn Rand to shut the fuck up and spell Ann correctly.

Ms. Conduct said...

Haha! Calbunnies. Win.

laurrrabeth said...

yesterday was pretty sweet. the pens' site showed videos of geno and sid delivering season tickets and pensblog had a pretty unreal photoshop of disco. anddddd preseason in 1 WEEK?! i'm one happy camper. =)

laurrrabeth said...

...not to mention this post!! i missed you bitches. i'm so excited for what you guys have in store for us this year <3

PittsburghMorgan said...

Sorta kinda newish PH. But thus far, I'm lovin this blog. Also, Me and my sister have been in love with Cal Clutterbuck since before I found out about this site. And then I see him brought up in a few post, and I knew that this was going to be an epic blog.

agood_badhabit said...

oh gonch, what a hero <3 i fucking love it.

so excited for another season of you biznatches.

Ashferddd said...

bring me hockey. and bring it to me NOW

JSt11 said...

The PH audience loves DILFS, Crosby loves GILFS.

Simona said...

Vernon Fiddler joke made me lol pretty good, as did everything else. I have missed this blog. Hockey is soon. Wish it would hurry the fuck up.

Ashferddd said...

@ JStll - I saw that and I couldn't help but laugh

DRAGON said...

@JSt11: I literally peed in my pants over that article!

Candy Man Fan said...

I'm assuming you've all seen the season ticket delivery videos. they're such a cock tease. they're sooo good but leave me wanting so, so much more

AmyB said...

Next jersey purchase is a Muskrats, fershur. I'm sure tomorrow the judge will be ruling in favor of PH, and Bettman will just have to deal.

Annie Searle said...

Happy 21st to Jordy!

Ashferddd said...

So I think everyone needs to check out the pictures on the Pensblog from today's meeting with the Prez, because our men looked mighty fine

Annie S said...

Only just at this moment realizing I commented above using my university blogger name. Now everyone will be out to get me.

0_o

nightsky73144 said...

I think that the Louisiana Muskrats would be an absolutely inspired franchise. I like the jerseys, the logo, the whole concept. I think that ice hockey is just what Louisiana needs, actually.

Oh, and, I watched a couple of the videos of the White House visit...and, Geno makes my day...
He is hysterical.

And, the boys clean up nicely, don't they?

Annie S said...

fuuuuck halp im in troubljre again! almost [positgive i saw katie omalley in northside tonight after teh game. woooo stillers amnd i dont even like football!

was there ever a team as goddam badass as our pens? i think not/.

 
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