Friday, September 25, 2009

No More Bus Rides


Kim, Zoe and Allison are all off being drunken whores or having lives and jobs and relationships or something important like that. So, Blue Jackets are what interns are for, and this is where I come in. I'm your friendly neighborhood intern. More news on me later. For now, there's hockey:

The dramz here is that Crosby left the game with a groin strain after 3 shifts.
OMG.
I'm listened to this game on Jackets Radio for reasons too complicated to explain.
So, back up a minute:


Pre-show:

The Jackets announcers declare that Goligoski is extremely calm and confident. We already know this though, from that photo on the bus where he is staring thoughtfully like he's Bob Dylan traveling cross-country.

Malkin and Crosby are on the ice together to start, which causes the announcers to note that Bylsma must want to score. No way!


First Period:

Staal got bizzay early, but some kid named Blunden scores on a rebound. Announcers assert with glee that the Penguins will not miss the net for the rest of the game. They're fans.

1-0 Jackets

One of the Jackets announcers takes this opportunity to note that MAF "has not had a strong camp". The smart one counters with a blistering, "So what?"
So what, indeed, bitches.

Malkin scores 4 seconds off the faceoff cuz he's tired from the bus ride and wants to peace out early.

1-1

These sharp pencils correctly assess that Crosby has been missing for a hot minute. They note that although he is "the biggest weapon, he is not the only weapon for the team". Malkin flips them the bird, in Russian.

Jackets interview a writer, who announces that he is tired of typing the word "groin" as well as "flexor" and "stretcher". His Mom is proud. The Hemmingway then notes that Crosby has left the game with a groin strain.

Jackets Announcer: "Apparently you are tired of typing groin but not of saying it, you've said it twice now."
Writer: "I'll be groin now."
Announcer: "Hahahaha see you l8ter."

Can't make that shit up. He'll be here all week, and try the fish.


Second Period:

Basically they skip discussing the game and discuss Crosby's groin a bunch.

Nash attempts to decapitate LeTang on a PP. It wasn't a full guillotine so Nash only gets 2 minutes.

Biz Nasty and Dorsett get it on. Dorsett's throwing lefts, the words "pile drive" and "clothesline" are used, which leads me to believe that they were both oiled up in spanky pants with folding chairs. Love the radio.

Nash went in, got all over his own rebound, and Brassard finished it off. This led the Penguins to collectively blink and then Nash scored on a powerplay. Balls.

3-1 Jackets

Guenin scores, thank Curry! This was inevitable due to the death stare he was rockin on the bus ride to Columbus.

3-2 Jackets


3rd Period:

Kennedy slugs Moore and they go down. General discontent at center ice. Kunitz goes away with Dorsett for penalties. Advantage Jackets.

There is brief elation when the announcers declare that Crosby was on the ice with Staal, but a quick check showed that they were hallucinating.

Mackenzie puts a puck through Connor's legs to score and the announcers collectively jizz in their pants.

Good Lord. Fleury's glove-side. Unassisted, some guy named… Oh, who the fuck cares.

5-2 Jackets

Rupp and Roy go at it, but Dorsett decides to show them how it's done and throws everything but the kitchen sink at McKee. McKee is described as a "rag doll". The Penguins are likened to the Charlestown Chiefs. Engelland is not a fan of this and shows his displeasure by starting it with Liffiton. Thug life. Wooo!

Pens Lose. Nothing to riot about.

Fuck the bus. Fly first class.

15 comments:

ANovak017 said...

the game just turned into complete bullshit. i was there and the pens just didn't give a shit anymore and said fuck it..if we're gonna lose might as while beat some hoes while we're at it.

and derick brassard is a fine looking man..totally pussed out on saying hi to him today. he looked at my shirt and i swear gave me a scowl..well fuck you too sir.
it's been a long day.

Candy Man Fan said...

didn't see or listen to the game...and I'm glad after hearing how it turned out. granted I would've loved to have seen Biz doing his thang but life goes on. is it October 2 yet?

p.s. good job, intern. whoever you are. ~mystery person~

Ashferddd said...

just give me october 2nd plz

JSt11 said...

Honestly, I haven't been watching the preseason games except the two home games I went to. Good to have PH and the mystery intern to fill me in. The picture of Andy Sandberg is gonna give me nightmares for days. I'm sure that's what you were going for.

laurrrabeth said...

pensblog says crosby strained his groin banging mike richards' girlfriend woooooo

yeah i listened to most of it until 'the office' came on at nine. one week until life makes sense again. section D22. do itttt.

well done, intern. andy sandberg for the win

Julia said...

good post intern... oct 2nd = <3

laurrrabeth said...

ohh and hey sid. if you need help with that groin thing in any way, shape, or form...i would be willing to help you. ifyouknowwhati'msayin.

okay. done.

ANovak017 said...

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=111376&id=631148084&saved

pictures from last night. i stopped when it turned into a shit show.

utterfrivolity said...

The intern wrote this? There is just too much talent on this site. It's not fair to the rest of the Internet.

It's kinda comforting to hear about someone else's shitty pre-season. Nice to know I'm not the only one suffering the pain of listening to my team lose on an opposing team's radio station. And the Wings have two more games between now and Sunday, when they have to face the well-rested Pens. October 2nd really can't come quickly enough.

1wingangel said...

If you haven't already heard, our beloved JStaal can officially be called "Uncle Jordy."

Parker Lucas Staal was born on Tuesday and leads the way into the next generation of Staal Brother Drinking Games.

It's a boy... Take a shot.

Caitlin said...

well done, intern, well done.

this last game was dreadful to listen to on the radio... maybe it's just Steve Mear's voice idk. doesn't do it for me. Hoping I can find a bar that will have NHL Network so i can watch the game vs. the red wings on sunday... damn them for being on at the same time as the steelers game... really?! haven't figured out how to watch both yet...

Caitlin said...

um ps- ANovak017, the pic of Letang in your FB album <333333!

Carol said...

anyone else have the impression that the Pens themselves are asking if it's October 2 yet?

Candy Man Fan said...

happy birthday to Brooksie today <3

ANovak017 said...

@Caitlin thank you! I had to crop it a little to make it look that good. =)

 
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