Kim, Zoe and Allison are all off being drunken whores or having lives and jobs and relationships or something important like that. So, Blue Jackets are what interns are for, and this is where I come in. I'm your friendly neighborhood intern. More news on me later. For now, there's hockey:
The dramz here is that Crosby left the game with a groin strain after 3 shifts.
I'm listened to this game on Jackets Radio for reasons too complicated to explain.
So, back up a minute:
The Jackets announcers declare that Goligoski is extremely calm and confident. We already know this though, from that photo on the bus where he is staring thoughtfully like he's Bob Dylan traveling cross-country.
Malkin and Crosby are on the ice together to start, which causes the announcers to note that Bylsma must want to score. No way!
Staal got bizzay early, but some kid named Blunden scores on a rebound. Announcers assert with glee that the Penguins will not miss the net for the rest of the game. They're fans.
One of the Jackets announcers takes this opportunity to note that MAF "has not had a strong camp". The smart one counters with a blistering, "So what?"
So what, indeed, bitches.
Malkin scores 4 seconds off the faceoff cuz he's tired from the bus ride and wants to peace out early.
These sharp pencils correctly assess that Crosby has been missing for a hot minute. They note that although he is "the biggest weapon, he is not the only weapon for the team". Malkin flips them the bird, in Russian.
Jackets interview a writer, who announces that he is tired of typing the word "groin" as well as "flexor" and "stretcher". His Mom is proud. The Hemmingway then notes that Crosby has left the game with a groin strain.
Jackets Announcer: "Apparently you are tired of typing groin but not of saying it, you've said it twice now."
Writer: "I'll be groin now."
Announcer: "Hahahaha see you l8ter."
Can't make that shit up. He'll be here all week, and try the fish.
Basically they skip discussing the game and discuss Crosby's groin a bunch.
Nash attempts to decapitate LeTang on a PP. It wasn't a full guillotine so Nash only gets 2 minutes.
Biz Nasty and Dorsett get it on. Dorsett's throwing lefts, the words "pile drive" and "clothesline" are used, which leads me to believe that they were both oiled up in spanky pants with folding chairs. Love the radio.
Nash went in, got all over his own rebound, and Brassard finished it off. This led the Penguins to collectively blink and then Nash scored on a powerplay. Balls.
Guenin scores, thank Curry! This was inevitable due to the death stare he was rockin on the bus ride to Columbus.
Kennedy slugs Moore and they go down. General discontent at center ice. Kunitz goes away with Dorsett for penalties. Advantage Jackets.
There is brief elation when the announcers declare that Crosby was on the ice with Staal, but a quick check showed that they were hallucinating.
Mackenzie puts a puck through Connor's legs to score and the announcers collectively jizz in their pants.
Good Lord. Fleury's glove-side. Unassisted, some guy named… Oh, who the fuck cares.
Rupp and Roy go at it, but Dorsett decides to show them how it's done and throws everything but the kitchen sink at McKee. McKee is described as a "rag doll". The Penguins are likened to the Charlestown Chiefs. Engelland is not a fan of this and shows his displeasure by starting it with Liffiton. Thug life. Wooo!
Pens Lose. Nothing to riot about.
Fuck the bus. Fly first class.