Sunday, September 27, 2009

it's not worth losing sleep.

No one went into this game really caring, did they?
Both teams were missing their key components, in a show of who could care less about this game. The Penguins stood on the sidelines shaking their heads saying "Nope, we won this game and we're done playing" while the Wings stared right back saying "Well we aren't afraid of you and we've got nothing to prove either."
Meanwhile the collective hockey media stood by screaming "GROINGROINGROINGROIN!"
Yeah, okay, we get it. Sidney Crosby has a minor injury.
This is all possibly a conspiracy to keep Cappy out as long as possible by riding his dick until his actually dies from groin related injuries.
We're just throwing around ideas at this point.

It's preseason.
Had we won we would have cared just as little.
This isn't where you prove yourself, kiddies.
We save our shit for the real show.
But least this was entertaining.

Opening faceoff is like last call on dollar draft night at the shady bar down the street that doesn't card. Everyone lunges for the puck, and it takes a second before anyone even knows where it is. Bodies scatter. No one knows who won. Someone falls.

I'm sorry, is this professional ice hockey? Can we please not show up reeking of liquor and five dollar cologne?

Pascal Dupuis manages to throw a puck near the net despite the double vision. Nothing happens. You start screaming about alcoholism not being an excuse to not know how to finish. You're still convincing yourself that the preseason isn't worth the broken furniture of a full-fledged hockey freakout when Dupes tries it again. Throws the puck. It gets blocked, slides back across the ice like a gift from baby Jesus himself, and Pascal Dupuis, the man that finishes less than Bob Dole without Viagra, actually picks up his own trash and throws it back in like it's nothing.

To celebrate, all hell breaks loose. Mattie Cooke and Draper. Some dramz in front of MAF to take care of a small snow job situation. Ahhh, so it's going to be THIS kind of game.

Meanwhile, back on the Sod farm, Jordan Staal is doing everything in this game. Just...not actually getting anything done. But doing some REALLY EXCITING LOOKING THINGS that don't end in actual production. Whatever. It was fun to watch. Preseason. Not complaining.

Uncle Jordy's doing his thing making things look good when he gets on a killer breakaway. There's some debate as to if he was actually hooked or not, but we're going to put out our obvious "Well no shit he was hooked, he's a Penguin and the offender in question is a Red Wing, what are you, retarded?"

The refs agree.
Always fun.
Failblog, but whatevs.
He's fresh off his 21st. I figure if I was still hungover at gametime, Jordy had to be as well.

Franzen, who is a piece of shit, scores at some point.
We'd prefer to not talk about it.
Quoth the intern: "He just had like 12 interviews during the game and his oily face was blinding and his eyebrows looked like they were dipped in doughnut powder."
In fact, hold on.
I would like to compose an open letter to Franzen right now.
Excuse me sir,
You are the worst person alive.
No, seriously, there are people out there who murder kittens. There are people who think that the holocaust never occurred. There's Pierre McGuire. But you, sir, you with your powdered eyebrows and old gingerness and awful, awful, existence, you really take the cake. I hope your engine blows up during rush hour on your birthday, and that Christmas gets canceled just for you. Please go straight to hell.
PH Staff and the Intern

The announcers know what our lives are like here at PH, and want us to have another great excuse to drink, so they start offering up Staal lore. Brothers, everyone. They are brothers. BROTHERSSODBROTHERSSODOMGOMG.
You can officially blame them being brothers on this partial drunkblog.
Or are they brothers because I'm drunk?
It raises some really great (awful) questions.

The game wears on. MAF is making unreal saves left and right.
Sometimes it doesn't work.
The Red Wings rack up some points.
We're talking about boats and trying to not think about it.
The conversation is something like
"Yes, yes, and tug boats too."
"Ah, I forgot about tug boats. And barges."
"Barges are a good point."
The answer was acid, but you can't win 'em all. His efforts might be forgotten by many, but we'll remember some wicked saves from this game. And one really unbelievable poke check.

The Announcers start talking about movies. They are inviting one another out on dates before we know what's going on. Just...make it stop.

Eric Godard punches the blood out of someone through a ref's body. It's artful. Guerin and Kunitz beat the shiiiiit our of Franzen. It's a beautiful thing, bodies are everywhere. Somewhere along the lines, Brooks gets into a fight as well.

And that is what it boiled down to.
Fists and pain and tears and alcohol, like any good Sunday should be.

I had actually forgotten and thought it was 5-1 at this point, so that was a nice surprise.

We can't wait to get back to real games and award shows.
But for now...sleep.

Go Pens.


Allison's Mouth Full of Tang said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Allison's Mouth Full of Tang said...

reposting from last post:
holy shit, i have not been here in forever... fuck real life :(

from last post...@ 1wingangel regarding Parker Lucas Staal - ummmm... so i totally ran into Marc Staal the other night, and umm, was pretty drunk, and kinda almost knocked down a table while speaking to him, but I should just tell everyone that I congratulated him on becoming an uncle. He looked pretty taken aback, but was so freaken sweet. My friend actually bought MStaal and Co a round of drinks, so it was like insane justice for me to be part of contributing to MStaal's drinking instead of vice versa. (oh, those other dudes he was with are vinny prospal [awesome man!], mike del zotto, and brian boyle.)

ANYWAY, a warm welcome to Ann, this was a great recap. I can't wait for my life to settle down, and for hockey to start, so everything can seem normal again.

also, @mer from last post... nah, i'm average height, mstaal is just really tall... if i had taken a picture with boyle, i would have looked like a shrimp, that man is hal gill sized...
and yea, del zotto is totally adorable, my friend and i decided that in person he basically looks like sid's younger brother. and, he's even younger than me! which just blows my mind that i have just hit the point in life where the players are gonna be younger.

Candy Man Fan said...

your description of Jordan doing REALLY EXCITING THINGS had me loling and maybe waking my brother up. I also 155% agree with your letter to Franzen.

MadMax84 said...

@Allison: Some serious awesomeness.

@PH & Intern: Some serious awesome preseason blogging. Good to be back. I had to keep telling myself it was preseason ... but I swear, seeing Billy Black and Kunitz beat the shit out of Franzen felt oh so very good. Bastard. Your description of him in your open letter made an angel get its wings.

Just not red wings.

Rebelheart87 said...

OMG, your letter to Franzen made my day! So glad that everyone else agrees that he's an effing douchebag!

Ashferddd said...

I love you bitches. The end.

Bring on the regular season.

crmzak said...

Man, I am diggin' this intern.
In Bitches we trust.

Am I the only one not looking forward to another season of Holmstrom backin dat ass up on goalies like some ferile cat in heat? GROSS.

I met Allison and her Mouth Full of Tang this weekend. I can now vouch that she is just as cute&kickass in person as she is online. Thanks again, it was so very awesome meeting you.

DISH Network better straighten out my Center Ice Package (which I paid for, but for some reason isn't working) before Friday or I'm going postal. Just an FYI.

Caitlin said...

I'd like to add my name to that open letter.. thanks.

and I too thought it ended up 5-1

is it friday yet?

Annie S said...


Ashferddd said...

Just to let ALL of you know, I will be at the watch party at the big screen on Friday. If you come find me, I will have Penguins cupcakes

Annie S said...

@Ashferddd I'll be there too! I'll probably have dragged my roomies and housemates along with me. What time are you getting there?

Ashferddd said...

@ Annie S - my friends and I will be in downtown Pittsburgh around 1:30ish, because we have this idea that we might catch Disco eating at Qdoba. We also want to try to flirt our way into getting free tickets, although it's rather unlikely. I'll be easy to find: white Kunitz jersey :)

Annie S said...


Bill Guerin is going to be naked!

Ahahahahahaha!!! I'm so conflicted...

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