Saturday, September 26, 2009

I Have a Dream

Hey everyone, the bitches here. We know it's been a while since you've actually heard from us, but we promise that we'll be back on Sunday for the game. Stop bitching and listen to the Intern. We chose her for all of the right reasons and you should have faith in us and our selections. Note: Just because we haven't selected your application this time around doesn't mean we don't still have it. You may still be contacted in the future, as this is an internship, not a FOREVER AND EVER staff position. Along those same lines, all of you can still feel free to send in applications whenever you like. For now, let's give Intern Ann the stage:

That is definitely what I look like....

Five score hours ago, a great blogger, in whose shadow I write today, texted me the SOS of a game recap. This momentous decree came as a great beacon of hope to pretty much just me, who had been seared in the flames of withering hockey-lessness. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of an uncertain hockey season.

In a sense I've come to this blog to cash a check. When the architects of the Canadian Hockey Media wrote the dastardly words that hockey would never make it in the desert, they were signing a promissory note to which I was to fall heir. This note was a promise that all men, yes, bitches as well as men, would be guaranteed the "unalienable Rights" of "Life, Liberty and the pursuit of a legit team." It is obvious today that Gretzky has defaulted on this promissory note, insofar as the citizens of Arizona are concerned. Instead of honoring this sacred obligation, Bettman has given the people a bad check; a check that has come back marked "insufficient fans."

But I refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt. I refuse to believe that there are insufficient fans in the great vaults of Hockey in this nation. And so, I have come to Puck Huffers to cash this check, a check that will give upon demand the riches of freedom and the security of having people to bitch about games with at least 82 times a season.

In summary:

Hi. My name is Intern Ann and I'm a Penguins fan in a Coyotes state, which really isn’t a Coyotes state because those fuckers keep trying to jack our shit right off the ice. I'm pleased as punch to be blogging for you fine fellow members of Pens Nation. I'm pretty sure les Bitches chose me because I really, really like pancakes and I'm ok with that. Also, mothers frequently cover their children's ears when I walk by on the street. I'm ok with that, too. Oh, and they picked me because I'm a Penguins nuthugger and think they're gods. So I'm here to entertain, amuse, and hopefully sick you out sometimes. To celebrate my arrival, pour a little out for Brooks Orpik, cuz he got a little older today.

Note: Martin Luther King, Jr. did not endorse this post, but if he wasn’t dead, he sure as shit would have.


AmyB said...

Note: Martin Luther King, Jr. did not endorse this post, but if he wasn’t dead, he sure as shit would have.

I lol'd. I've been ridiculously busy (hence why I'm awake right now. yaay all nighters), but I did read your first post, which was excellent. I think a proper PH welcome involves a blingee.
those are totally therapeutic for when school is ruining your life btw.

Kevin said...

The summary was full of win

Julia said...

AWESOME POST...glad your the intern ann!!

Candy Man Fan said...

I appreciate the Brooks birthday mention but you forgot Kuni! he turned the big 3-0 yesterday

Ashferddd said...

@ Candy Man Fan - Kuny <3

Pip said...

Welcome grasshopper! You bear well! Your first post contains spitting vitriol, insolent threats of violence and more nerd drops than a comic book convention.

Please continue to uphold PH's glorious tradition of disrespectin' the shit out of opposing teams and manic cheering at our boys crunching another man's face directly into glass and thrusting away. It's what we're here for.

JSt11 said...

From tPB:
Max is the only man who could get laid in that shirt.

Ashferddd said...

@ JSt11 - that's because Superstar gets away with ANYTHING.

TP said...

Poor Chris. His birthday didn't get as much attention.

Caitlin said...

omg TP i love that Kuni blingee! such a hot pic of him! i feel bad i totally didn't even realize it was his bday. me = fail. bad fan.

Allison's Mouth Full of Tang said...

holy shit, i have not been here in forever... fuck real life :(

from last post...@ 1wingangel regarding Parker Lucas Staal - ummmm... so i totally ran into Marc Staal the other night, and umm, was pretty drunk, and kinda almost knocked down a table while speaking to him, but I should just tell everyone that I congratulated him on becoming an uncle. He looked pretty taken aback, but was so freaken sweet. My friend actually bought MStaal and Co a round of drinks, so it was like insane justice for me to be part of contributing to MStaal's drinking instead of vice versa. (oh, those other dudes he was with are vinny prospal [awesome man!], mike delzotto, and brian boyle.)

ANYWAY, a warm welcome to Ann, this was a great recap. I can't wait for my life to settle down, and for hockey to start, so everything can seem normal again.

Annie S said...

Woooooow Allison, those pics are AWESOME. I'm incredibly jealous, even if they are Rangers. ;P

mer said...

Intern Ann.
Welcome. MLK says yo from beyond the grave.

Is Del Zotto not the most adorable piece of cute this side of the great wall of China? I met him last year and nearly squeeeed myself even though he's about... oh JAILBAIT years younger than me (or was at the time). Also, are you just really short, or is MStaal a freaking giant?

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