Tuesday, September 22, 2009

didn't mean for it to go like this

Just when you think the insanity's about to stop and easy rest may come, you have to play the fucking Leafs again. It's inevitable.

You know it's going to be special when the Leafs top dressed forward is Jiri Tlusty.
Vesa Toskala in net. All video feeds of the game are conspiring against me, so it's Penguins radio for me.

Ryan Bayda makes the Vesa slut it up early.
1-0 Pens

Halfway through the first after some general thuggery, the Leafs get their first shot on goal.
With such fine radio commentary as "Carl Gunnarsson. . .one of the best names in hockey!" by the amazing Steve Mears, there's no reason why this can't be a real game.

The commentary of Toronto's power play is like listening to someone describe a Girl Scouts' baking competition.
Shortly thereafter, Chris Connor offers Vesa the cookies that are the fruits of their labors on a breakaway, and it's 2-0. But we know that any feeling of comfort would be misguided.

Bissonnette and Rosehill throw down.

Cupcake McKee has his own bakery and there ain't no Girl Scouts there. Shots = blocked.

105.9 HD2 is advertising Nemacolin Woodlands Resort and CalU for those of us who think there's much savory south of Pittsburgh.

We'd say Brent Johnson Stands Tall in honor of his Lord but really nothing big is happening anywhere near him.

The period flows away. The press is having a grand old time.
Well, hell.

The second starts with an epic Wayne Primeau sighting and actual play-by-play of Vesa drinking water.
McKee interferes with someone. Leafs power play is winning blue ribbons for its creative sprinkle decorations and moist cakeyness.
Then Tim Wallace mistakes Jamal Mayers for a bear. Bad fucking news. . .for Mayers anyway.

Somebody runs into Johnson, wide open net.
Stahlberg. 2-1. Saddest day of your life.
Thug goal if you've ever seen one.

Bourque and Steve Mears bet each other "an adult beverage" on whether or not Toronto will make the playoffs. Mears thinks they will. Bourque, indignant, wants the nation to know that his vote is Absolutely Not.
Goaltending is apparently the X Factor.
But wouldn't poor baby Vesa look good in his Leafs jersey with a Stanley Cup playoffs patch? It's shiny and could probably be bedazzled.

Pens get some ridic PP.
In an epic display of Mike Komisarek's long-known mental instability, he tries to fight Jordan Staal for no reason whatsoever. Staal puts him on his ass instantaneously. Matt Cooke is assigned a bizarre charging and/or unsportsmanlike conduct penalty. Altogether everyone seems to know exactly what's going on.

Witness the insanity in the eyes again, folks:
Seems like a cool guy until he takes some mescaline and starts talking about how the cheers of Toronto fans taste like creamsicle.

Mark Eaton then trips someone. Thank God.
Survival mode. But Brent Johnson does in fact stand tall.
Period goes out in nail-biting fashion.

For the third, Curry has risen.
Johnson is apparently forrealz hurt and is not on the bench.
Not that we hope for injuries, much less on our own team, but could this mean. . .?

Biz Nasty goes wrestling with Beauchemin after Beauchemin makes Timmy W go down.
Second fight of the night. Gotta love preseason.

Here is a beautiful photo to break up the text. Luke and Jordy are enjoying their dance together.

Bourque finally gets around to mentioning that Lovejoy isn't on the bench and we only have 5 defensemen. In the regular season, you get super worried.

Curry spends a lot of time being unfuckingreal to keep the score 2-1. But the Pens ice the puck repeatedly.
With Vesa-baby pulled, Nazem Kadri destroys all of your hopes and dreams.

Regulation pisses itself.
Leafs keep hitting the post. You have to think the Powers that Be want it to be our day. But is it?

6.7 seconds left is plenty of time to score after Beauchemin has a brain fart and ices it.
But. . .nope.

First round, Kadri has Curry's number. GOAL.
Staal goes in. Toskala with the pad save. NOPE.
Bozak skates in. Curry with the Holy Pokecheck. NOPE.
Chris Connor is next. Toskala is out of his mind. NOPE.
Stempniak can win it. And, well, fuck.

3-2 SO
Are you surprised?

Really, these are the same frustrating problems that often lose games for our boys.
Preseason games are always different. We had a great preseason last year, but that didn't prevent us from eating shit all winter.

Nothing like raising a Stanley Cup Champions banner on opening night to boost morale.
Hockey is here, but it's not the hockey we thirst for.
These are mere nuggets of the joy to come.

JC had a gameday today.
Witness the poise.

Also, if you're interested in complicating your life in the best way possible, you can be our slave.
We will still be getting back to you on our Blingee contest. We haven't forgotten. Rarely do we forget anything, just sometimes we lose it in a haze of Tostitos and inappropriateness.

Go Pens.


Ashferddd said...

I'm done with preseason. And those dirty Canadian teams. Bring on October 2nd pleasepleaseplease.

By the way, I <3 JC

Nulpher said...

I'm waiting for Roadtripblog on the 3rd.

Nulpher does Nassau. Do it.

mer said...

This game was semi-retarded and thank Curry it's only the pre-season. Had one of those moments where I was almost pissed about losing until I remembered that Toronto didn't get any points for Nazem Kadri's effing spectacle.

Oh and TSN was full of McGuire-vomit. Ew.

laurrrabeth said...

i hate preseason. games mean shit and everyone's at risk of getting hurt for nooo reason. october 2nd, get here fast.

eyebleaf said...

Staal puts him on his ass instantaneously.

Surely by instantaneously you mean after Komisarek landed right after right after right after right onto Staal's head.

Hopefully he learned his lesson. Matt Cooke isn't worth coming in and defending the honour of.

God, it's always a little more enjoyable when the Leafs beat the Pens.

Annie S said...

From somebody's Twitter - Eric Staal's wife had their baby last night - another boy in the family!

Ashferddd said...

@ Annie S - he better make the NHL so there will be the second generation of our favorite drinking game!

Annie S said...

@Ashferddd - I'm picturing twenty years from now, him on a line with Zachary Kunitz.

Annie S said...


Bus Trippin'

ANovak017 said...

anyone wanna help a sister out in where to stalk the shit out of them on their bus?

ANovak017 said...

i'm only kidding...slightly.

ANovak017 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ashferddd said...

@ Annie S - it will probably be an amazingly beastly line

Ashferddd said...

@ANovak017 - I'll help you stalk the shit outta the boys one day!

Ashferddd said...

Doofy has tightness in his groin. My bad. . .

Ashferddd said...

BTW NHLfailsatlife because this game deserves television coverage. My Curry!

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