Thursday, August 20, 2009

lovin' america, pbr style.

While we love the country we live in, we rarely express it with the zeal those in the south do. We were sort of creeped out by the cult-like love of 'merica at the professional bull riding event taking place at the Predators arena. But we've recently started to consider that maybe...just maybe...they had some idea of what was going on.
(Excuse the watermarks, Getty wants us to cry.)
Rocking the USA jersey and working the props.

Smiling with the eyes.

And now with the srs face.

Needless to say, Tyra and noted fashion photographer Nigel Barker are pleased.
The rest of the American hockey team looks tragic. Why is it that certain players look really great only at certain times? We have an answer, but you're not going to like it.

At the beginning of every season, Gary Bettman hands out vouchers to all of the players. They are all good for one good night of press photography. The players are told to use them wisely and given a power point presentation on how to redeem them. During this presentation, Mister Bettman obviously slips a few extras under the table to Sidney Crosby as a token of his love and appreciation for going along with his diabolical plans to rig the NHL.

Players can use these vouchers at any time, but once they are gone, they are gone.
Sidney uses his vouchers as carefully as he can, given the amount of press he has to put up with. He saves them for nights he plans on striking poses that will go down in sports photography history, and for various awards and honors.

For example, Cappy can look relatively normal (albeit like a wax statue) when receiving his Order of Nova Scotia medal:

But if he gets too many honors throughout the year, he starts looking more like this:
It is a hard decision for many players, what games to spend them on. Should you use them before the end of the season and avoid assuming that you will be battling for the Cup and needing them for summer coverage as well? Or do you save them all up in hopes of looking fly should you win? (Keep in mind, these vouchers do not roll over to the next season. Weren't you watching the power point?)

Should you spend them all and win the Cup, you risk pulling one of these over:
And that's on your living room wall. Forever.
But if you don't make it, that means you're just wasting vouchers and looking at an ugly season. And it's not like anyone cares about your summer.

Moving on, another policy we have learned is that if you need some extra help, you can double up your vouchers for certain nights of awesome. How do you think Malks got by at the award show at the ASG photo shoots? His general adorable goofiness was suddenly replace by a suave, polished look. If you still don't believe in the voucher program, let's compare:
Double Voucher

Single Voucher


On the other hand, you have Alexander Ovechkin who just thinks that the vouchers are drink tickets and thus never uses them.
"Excuse me sir, but this does not buy you a vodka rocks."
"Well fuck. I guess I'll just throw them away."

So, the logical conclusion is that while other team USA photos look like something stolen from a late 80's yearbook or boy band's CD jacket sleeves:
Brooks had plenty of vouchers left over. The assumption is that he never uses them, just goes with the total badassery that he exudes in photos year round. But we figure around times like these his mother steps in and kindly asks he use one so that she has something to put on her mantel. And this is why Brooks Orpik owns America.

Work the camera, Brooks, work it.

Also, thanks to the comments section for bringing up this fabulous PSAMP post. It turned our attention to several youtube videos, including this one where Eric Godard gets beat up by his niece Morgan:

Clearly this post was all bullshit to bide time until we can organize something that is real.
Between the road trip, Zoe's job and Kim's recently successful fight for a job, we've been a little busy as of late. But we're getting pumped for the new season, and we hope that you are too.
We're about to kick this shit back into gear.

We're guessing you can.

Go Pens.


Annie S said...

This might just be the best PH post of the offseason! I know I say that a lot, but you bitches just keep getting better. Brooks does things to me that I'm ashamed to think about. Not literally, however I might wish it to be so. I'm hoping against hope he'll make the squad. Visions of an Orpik USA jersey around Christmastime are dancing in my head...

RE those videos - wow! There may be nothing more heinously adorable in the world than tough guys playing with cute little girls. Remember the paint shoes?

And ugh, Whits, are there any good pictures of you that exist out there? I sadly noticed that Scuds' were nothing special either.

Ashferddd said...

I LOVE PICTURES. Free Candy looks like a badass like usual. Epic post, bitches. I love it. Let's have a Blingee expo with all those goodies. And seeing Brooksie in that team USA jersey makes me want to buy one now. . .

ANovak017 said...

golden..per usual.
on a side note, our beloved columbus blue jackets have teamed up with the cleveland indians in a promotion deal. on sept. 6, steve mason will be throwing out the first pitch. I have, hopefully, convinced my friend to drive all the way up to cleveland the day after we move in at OU to go to this game and stalk the shit out of him.
just thought i'd share this little tid bit of info.

go pens!

Allison's Mouth Full of Tang said...

you know what....
Brooksie looks fucking good there. like, woah good. i did not think he was capable of woah good. i am pleasently surprised. way to make the USA jersey hot. i guess being a stanley cup cham really changes everything.

and, just checking... goon, are you alive?

Candy Man Fan said...

umm those new pictures (and the presser on of Brooks made my day yesterday. like it was seriously Christmas in August. a belated birthday gift. something sent down from Curry. I've never been so proud to be an American.

Candy Man Fan said...

also I was too wrapped up in my thoughts of Brooks that I forgot to mention about Sid's wax statue picture. I'm glad you thought that too...that's the first thing I thought of when I saw it. my friend literally didn't know if it was him or wax when I sent it to her

The Goon Blogger said...

tGB is not available right now, as he has been shattered by videos of Eric Godard doing what Eric Godard does. There is no timetable from his return from injury, as the likelihood of his watching the videoes, and thereby starting the cycle all over again, are high.

Straight up Puck Bunnying over here.

25superstar said...

vouchers FTW.

Julia said...

i <3 this post...and i have to agree about the team usa pics. Sad to say this but i usually ignore orpik, but i shall not anymore hello hottie! And as for eric, the only thing cuter than that is the paint shoe video. (@Annie S OH YEAH i remembered haha)

makhsc said...

you guys never fail to crack me up... love this blog, every single post!!

can't wait to see what you have in store to prep us fans for the upcoming season...

crmzak said...

The Summer of '09 has been good to Brooksy. Will ya look at that face? I mean will you LOOK AT THAT GODDAMNED FACE!!! And I seriously mean that with the least amount of puckbunniness possible.

And Sid, looking all righteous and shit? Our babies are all growns up.

And this is why Brooks Orpik owns America.
Damn skippy!!!
For the record, that part certainly isn't bullshit.

Hand of Godard said...

Well fuck me for not checking this site before I left for work. Now I'm probably not going to get to see these videos of my hero getting his ass beat by a 2 year old girl until Saturday since the videos are blocked at work. Shame on me for six weeks.
I'm diggin the new Team USA sweaters.

crmzak said...

Bizarro Sid photos make my day. Bring on the Doofy!

TheRangersFan said...

The vouchers system explains a lot. Is it just me or did Orpik not look as intense at all moments in 2008? Because I remember really loving Orpik during the playoffs. He must have saved his vouchers for the playoffs that year.

Also, in my dream last night there was definitely like a PH convention hahaha

Oatmeal Love Affair said...

@Ashferddd: Let the Blingee expo begin.

Annie S said...

FWIW, AOL named Pittsburgh as one of the cities with the best original views, both from Mt. Washington and PNC Park.


Nofaves said...

If you want less obstructed Brooksie pics, try this:

There's still a watermark, but it's in a much better position.

Kimberlass said...

@nofaves - I am kind of in love with you right now.

Nofaves said...

Thanks, Kim! I'm still reeling from the loss of modsquad's sportsline gallery, so anywhere I can find good pics, I jump on.

BTW, for ovary-exploding goodness, do a Hal Gill search. *sighs*

Caitlin said...

i've said it before and i'll say it again. brooks looks precious in his Team USA jersey =) loved this post. omggggg yes, Ashferddd, let's have a blingee expo! haha

and i also thought sid looked like fake wax in that pic.

Susan said...

Well, this post certainly explains Ovenchicken. Really funny stuff today! I especially liked God of Thunder getting beat up by a girl.
Keep 'em comin'!

Ashferddd said...


YESSSSSSSSSSS. I'll have one done by the morning :)

nightsky73144 said...

Great post!

The vouchers program really explains a LOT about certain players. Thank you for clearing that up for me. Though, I think that Brooks generally looks good (though somewhat intense, shall we say, at times).

I loved the video of Godard - how cute is that? Wow.

soon soon soon
and it will be real hockey again


Annie S said...

Firstly, THANK YOU Nofaves for hooking us up with that site! Getty's watermarks depress the hell out of me, and Jamd seems like such a better alternative.

Secondly, there are times when Brooks being intense crosses over into FUCKING TERRIFYING. (Look at the blood splatters!) And conversely, when he forgets his vouchers at home or forgets to be intimidating, we'll occasionally get pics like this or this.

(Yes, I'm turning this into a Brooksie picspam and I don't care!)

laurrrabeth said...

miss j so wants brooksie. worrrk it work it. all jokes aside, he scares the living hell out of me. and i like it.

ps sid = mr. waxy mcwaxy pants

Ashferddd said...

ahhhhhh my Blingee attempts are failing miserably. They're works in progress. I promise I'll make a good enough one to post on here!

By the way, Eric Tangradi has a Twitter now (@EricTangradi) and he looks mighty fine!

Kat said...

YES! Team USA photos FTW. And I fully buy the voucher system. It's the excuse for some of these people...

AmyB said...

Why does Patrick Sharp get so many vouchers?

csstriker said...


those pictures were priceless

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