Sunday, August 30, 2009

hail the victorious dead

Well, they're not dead, but any excuse we have to quote King Théoden is a good one. This post is a last hurrah for certain gentlemen who have played their last games as Pittsburgh Penguins. And there is no better way to do that than by spamming you with pictures.

Today we found the holy fucking grail of Petr Sykora pictures, the kind we wish we'd had for our Father's Day post, Crash My Net Friday, and in frames on our bedside tables when the news came down that he wasn't coming back no matter how much we begged.

Remember the voucher system of NHL photography? Petr Sykora opted out of it. He looks good when he pleases and bad when he pleases. Gary Bettman was understandably flabbergasted on draft day in 1995 when he approached young Petey with an entry-level packet of photo vouchers, only to have them pushed laughingly back in his face. Commissioner Bettman was even more shocked when Petr posed for his draft picture shortly thereafter.

(Note: Gary himself is made of synthetic material and he's well-aware that vouchers have no effect on the undead.)
"Kid, seriously. You look greasy and pale and awkward and like you spent prom night jerking into a tissue and reading Kafka. Are you sure you don't want one of these?"

"Fuck off."

For awhile, it seemed like the voucher program would remain in complete control of hockey-related photography league-wide. As Bettman expanded the program, he bribed all foreign media sources to adopt a similar system. Vouchers became endorsed for use outside of the USA and Canada during tournaments, events, and offseason activities, and are not accepted without the Commissioner's official stamp of validity, which all sports photographers are trained to recognize.

To this day Bettman is mystified as to how that bastard Sykora is able to circumvent the voucher program. When Petey took his team photo for Anaheim, the Commissioner thought he was in the clear--for who would adopt a hairstyle such as that and not try to turn in a voucher to give it a little more class and polish?
Uhhhh.

However, shortly thereafter, Petr Sykora started doing the unexplainable.
And this is where we come to the photo directories of that nasty Czech tabloid, AHA.
Um. Yeah.
You could Photoshop a used tampon over the Stanley Cup and this would still look like the embodiment of swagger.
He signed autographs and shared the Cup with tons of fans in the Czech Republic this past week, and this is what they give us?
It's called assault, Mr. Sykora. Assault.

How does he get by without his annual voucher packet?
It's been going on for years now.
Really the hair couldn't even be explained away by the voucher program.
That's something innate and powerful.

This summer, while his foot was broken, he also thought it would be a really awesome idea to let the Czech media photograph him playing ball hockey with his 2-year-old son.
Bettman fought a losing battle to keep the photographs from being released until he figures out what the hell is preventing Petr from becoming dependent on vouchers.

Sure, he takes the occasional bad picture. You can't be "on" all the time.



Sometimes Bettman wonders if the magic is wearing off and tries to get Petr on a global video conference call to deliver threatening ultimatums.

OH EXCUSE ME COMMISSIONER I HAVE TO PUT THIS HELMET ON MY SON WOULDN'T WANT HIM TO FALL AND HURT HIMSELF
NOW WHAT DID YOU SAY? SOMETHING ABOUT MY POLO?
I AGREE THAT BLUE IS MY COLOR--ONE OF MANY OF MY COLORS, ACTUALLY
NO I DIDN'T INTENTIONALLY TOUSLE MY HAIR BEFORE THE PHOTOGRAPHERS CAME. YOU'RE CRAZY.

By the way, readers, have you ever felt an overwhelming need for a 1600-pixel wide image of Petr Sykora in a pink polo shirt with a Ferrari that's worth more than your life, your parents' lives, and the island territory of Guam? No? Well, shit, we're sure you'll find one.
Click for full experience.

This saga will probably continue until someone dies.
For now, Petr Sykora is still a two-time Stanley Cup champion and more man than we'll ever know what to do with.
Aaaaaaand. . .game.

Oh, and you may (or may not, depending on your level of sanity at this point in the post) remember that we began this post by use of "they" and "gentlemen." Meaning that there's more than one man we have to address here.

Who else could we mean but Harold Priestley Gill III?

Hal Gill and the Stanley Cup recently had a party on the USS Constitution in Boston.
No photos of it have surfaced, though the Boston Herald teased us by putting Hal in a very nice polo of his own. Evidently, the party was very befitting of his nickname, and other nautical vibes that surround his mystique.


This is the USS Constitution.
Now that's a great boat.

Here's what you can do. You have from this moment forward until September 15 when the puck drops at preseason:
- Photoshop Hal Gill onto the USS Constitution. Use any pictures you like.
- Blingee it.
- Send it to puckhuffers@gmail.com with the subject line "ON A BOAT" (uncreative, but easy to sort).

Best one wins a Penguins keychain.

Shit, son.
Go Pens.

57 comments:

Candy Man Fan said...

I can't handle all these pictures of Sykie. my heart hurts. what a handsome little Czech he is

1wingangel said...

Excellence. Petr with the Ferrari made me want to cry for some reason. Probably because that photo is now the meaning of life.

Ashferddd said...

I miss Sykie ahhhhhhh

DRAGON said...

Sykie is one beautiful man... Even with the frosted tipped mullet...

Juls said...

Petr with some car is now my desktop wallpaper.

Thank youuuuuuuuu very much.

Rage said...

Petr doesn't make me "tingle". Nor does Hal Gill, but getting gigantic, purple, poorly-written apologies in my mailbox does. When I say poorly-written, I mean written on paper while hanging upside-down, while drunk/driving/over-medicated...and after much discussion with Bob, we pretty much agree that the only way it could have been better was if it were written in crayola. We approve and accept and totally understand.

debrisslide said...

I can assure you that that was written very carefully and on a flat surface while completely sober. :(

Annie S said...

Lookie at this translated article:

Watch the video, especially, as Petr speaks in Czech.

There's something about listening to the players for whom English is their second language speaking in their own language that does something to me.

There's more pictures there, too. ;D

JSt11 said...

So...much...DILFyness...

Definitely was a great pick me up for the first day of classes.

laurrrabeth said...

@JSt11 agreeeeeed. mario is forever my hot dad fantasy, but sykie is giving him some competition.
@Annie S same with me. like when fucking letang did the weather on kdka in french. never fails

AmyB said...

OMGTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU. Petr fucking Sykora. What a man. His son is beyond precious. Whoever wins that contest gets infinite badass vouchers. Photoshop and a blingee? Insane.

Annie S said...

It's also worth mentioning that in Sykie's draft pic, he looks EXACTLY like this guy I went to college with. Like, they could be twins. Also that this guy's best friend looks EXACTLY like Matt Cooke, except he has all of his teeth.

Annie S said...

One more before I forget - is the Max Talbot coloring contest still going on? I sent my entry weeks ago but we haven't heard anything about it since. I don't even remember which post talks about it and am too lazy to look for it, but I was just wondering. ;D

Candy Man Fan said...

@Annie - after watching that video, I'm pretty sure I will never get over Petr Sykora. he's just too fucking cute

Pip said...

WTF bitches? WTF? Those two loud pops you heard from across the Atlantic were my ovaries.

Hand of Godard said...

So I'm still stuck at work and decided to look through a bunch of pictures from the Stanley Cup celebration when I ran into this and immediately thought of you bitches.

agood_badhabit said...

ahh i'm gettin all choked up.. peter can't leave *bawls hysterically* picture spam is not enough to commemorate our fever-inducing czech.

Allison's Mouth Full of Tang said...

@Annie S and laurrrabeth-

Ummm... This probably goes without saying, but I totalllly agree with the foreign language thing. Besides Tangers and his adorable frenchness, there is every russian ever born. And all thoes slavic languages actually could be described as tingleinducing.


And I CANNOT WAIT to shop skillzy onto that fucking boat.

ANovak017 said...

oh petr. man am I going to miss him. no one is allowed to take number 17..mainly b/c it will always be petey's number..and i'm number 17..and they probably won't live up to it.

Ashferddd said...

I wish I knew how to shop, just for Harold's sake. Bahhhh

Becky said...

yum...yes so much DILFyness.....

Rage said...

Debrisslide, it was beautifully written and we want you to know that your beautifullyness was fully appreciated by both me and tingly Bob. Srsly. Love.

Rage said...

Summa ya'll hoochies need to find a man...DAY-UMM. Head on down to the "toy store" ya herd? Shit.

wooooooooooooooo

Caitlin said...

"like when fucking letang did the weather on kdka in french. never fails"

word.

laurrrabeth said...

@Rage
word. woooooo

but for realsies. when life gives you lemons...watch an evgeni malkin interview.

"shoot puck. shoot everyone."

Annie S said...

Shiiiiiit... does anyone know if student rush is happening for both the preseason games vs Columbus on Tuesday and Toronto on Friday? Just realized I was looking at an August calender and Sept. 15 is a Tuesday, not a Saturday.

Also, how many hours beforehand is a good time to arrive for student rush?

debrisslide said...

In regards to the coloring contest, the MaxTal sheet wasn't a contest, it was just to get yer creative juices going. Sorry! :(

Annie S said...

Sooooo... that means I win? Wooo!

Anna. said...

immediately changed my background. all those Sykie pictures just made me realize how much i truly love that man.

such a DILF and his little boy is too cute for words.
i miss Petr dearly.

Allison's Mouth Full of Tang said...

ummmm drinkingish?

like, just myenoga....
tha means a little in russian.... THEGOOONBLOGGER TAUGHT ME THST TONIGHTTTT!!!!!


wooooooo


ok... i need hockey

laurrrabeth said...

@1wingangel i want to be your friend because of your fleury default pic. unreal

agood_badhabit said...

i thought i ought to share this. today someone was watching a soccer game in the break room at work, and this english joker from the away team, after scoring a goal, looks into the stands and gently puts his finger to his lips, shushing the rowdy fans.

ummm excuse me, dirty englishman, suck it because this is max talbot's move. it will not win you anything if you try it. but... i don't know whether to be upset or proud that max's suave-ness has floated across the sea.

Ashferddd said...

@ Annie S - it's preseason, so no more than two hours before gates opening should be fine. We can meet up, if you want. And they'll have rush for both games

1wingangel said...

@laurrrabeth - I know. It's amazing. As soon as I saw my beloved Fleury dressed like a rock star, I had to take a screenshot. I'll probably never change it unless he dresses up as something equally crazy and adorable.

Annie S said...

@Ashferddd - I have class from 3-5:50pm on Tuesday, which means I'd be cutting it really close. :( Not sure if I'll be able to make it that day, though I'm planning on going Friday vs the Leafs.

Ashferddd said...

@ Annie S - you should be able to make it. The bus from Pitt to the Igloo takes 10-15 minutes, and since it's preseason the rush line will be a joke, lolz

Annie S said...

@Ashferddd - well then I'll do my best to be there! Maybe my professor will let us out early...

Ashferddd said...

@ Annie S - I hope so! Nothing like skipping work or class (or leaving early) for a Pens game :)

mer said...

You will all hate me for what I am about to say, but...

Dear Petr-Gunn,
Please sign with the Sens. I'll buy your jersey (YES, ANOTHER ONE). I need something to live for.
lovelovelove,
Mer

Kimberlass said...

@mer - I'm not mad at all. I'm saying the same thing. Kovie and Petey on the same team? A thing of dreams for me.

Sure, I'd be upset it wasn't the Pens, but still...it'll never have a chance of happening ever again.

AmyB said...

Who's going to the CBJ game in Pittsburgh? JSt11 and I will be there! Hit us up!

Ashferddd said...

@ AmyB - I'll definitely be there! Hit me up!

Annie S said...

@AmyB - I'm going to try like hell to go! Maybe I can wrangle one or both of my roommates to come along too.

debrisslide said...

Annie, I sent you an e-mail, did you get it?

Annie S said...

Zoe, I did, I just replied back!

Annie S said...

From the Pensblog:

Phillipe Boucher is retiring.

:(

AmyB said...

Buries It has owned the Penguins for 10 years today. Wooooo!

Pants N at said...

Ummm, Annie... AMAZING video & article.

Best Petr Gunn quote of all: "What strikes midnight guard him pack up and go to sleep with him. "

I feel like that's going into my new work-email signature.

nightsky73144 said...

for the first time since I settled on a good Cup-winning montage for my desktop (back in June), I have changed the background...to "Petey_with_some_car" (I love the names you have for the photos you save, btw) oh, and, minus "some_bitch"

thank you thank you thank you

Nulpher said...

So I am hearing that Minnesota is possibly having a few cases of Petr Fever.

http://www.startribune.com/sports/wild/57431757.html?elr=KArksi8cyaiUBP7hUiD3aPc:_Yyc:aULPQL7PQLanchO7DiUr

I found this info on Empty Netters

Lizzie said...

Candy Man Fan! Unrelated, but if you also comment on the Pensblog under the same name, please email me! lizziev at gmail.

(I will explain, but won't bother here in case you're not the same person. haha.)

Annie S said...

talkin with some yinzer guy pans fan at matrix is fuuuuuun times, why do creepers hang out there. halp, dont know what's happenin and my foice is gone. i fuckin love tghis city like nothing else it's so baeutiful and i want to be here always! fuck schoolwork i'm such a looser, haha.

Candy Man Fan said...

@Annie S - there are always lots of creepers at Matrix. it's one of my friend's favorite places to go out...I don't really mind it but definitely some old ass dudes there. we usually end up in the 80s room

Annie S said...

i looooved the 80s room! they were playing don't stop believen which everyone subsituted Pittsburgh for detroit in the lyrics and bueller was on tv cept his bitch ass friend had a wings jersy on. u know your a pens fan when they play I'm on a Boat and you sing words to I' Won the Cup. (motherfucka!)

Candy Man Fan said...

hahaha last time I was at Bar Room (not my favorite place, btw. and the floor's always sticky?) they played I'm On A Boat and my friend and I screamed the words to I Won the Cup

Annie S said...

Uuuuuuh, yeah, apologies for drunkblog last night guys (I don't pretend to be as good at it as Allison!) Matrix was tons of fun but if we go out every week like my roomies want to I'll be in big trouble.

Hockey needs to get here, like, now.

Ashferddd said...

@ Annie S - I second that. Hockey plzplzplzzzzzzzzz

 
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