Sunday, June 28, 2009

if you know what's good for you

So, the draft party in Columbus was quite the experience for PH and crew.
Huge thanks to The Hockey Junkies for carting our asses to Ohio and buying Timbits for everyone.
Without them, we wouldn't have had the opportunity to be on a locker room tour and just randomly turn around to see Steve Mason all up in our business trying to get away from the legions of men congratulating him on his Calder.
If we are ever that close to Steve Mason again we'll probably experience massive heart attacks and die.
He really shouldn't sneak up on people like that.

R.J. Umberger was there. So was Jared Boll. All were creeping around the arena wearing gay flip flops. It was great.

However, we'd like to present a brief open letter to the Blue Jackets organization:

Just because your team moved up from #26 to #21 after blowing your chance at #16 doesn't mean that you should kick everyone out of the arena before the fucking round is over.
And by "everyone" we mean the 10 people who stayed that the radio announcers called the "diehards." Srsly. We had a draft to watch.
PH Staff

Other than that, though, we have nothing but great words for the people at Nationwide. The locker room tours were a great idea and the nifty little draft sheets that they provided for people to fill out were really fun.
And we got Timbits.

As you all know, we drafted defenseman Simon Despres. He's considered a good positional defenseman and is smart with the puck.
We also enjoy how French he is. And his awkward little crooked smile.
Also acquired are Ulf Samuelsson's kid, Philip (D), and Andy Bathgate's grandson, Andy Bathgate, a centerman who plays for Belleville.
Not to leave out Alex Velischek, son of Randy Velischek, also a defenseman.
Other kittens:
Ben Hanowski, RW
Nick Petersen, RW
Viktor Ekbom, D
Look them up. We're retarded.

Some photos have surfaced of the Red Wings cleaning out their locker room on June 15.
Oh, shit. That last one just snuck in there. It's what the Penguins were doing on June 15. We apologize for the inconvenience.
(Sorry, sorry. It hasn't gotten old yet.)

The Flyers got Chris Pronger yesterday and gave up Joffrey Lupul, Luca Sbisa, and some picks/kittens.
They're just stocking up on crazy motherfuckers in case the arena needs protection during a nuclear holocaust.
Like. . .Chris Pronger in our division.
We don't know what this means, but it can't be good.

We're still confident about keeping Rob Scuderi. This article helps.

Conkblock won't be a Wing next season. Should he sign with the Flyers to back up Ray Emery and play in the Winter Classic?

The Isles sold $79,000 worth of NEW season ticket packages and $15,000 worth of Tavares merchandise in the hour after Tavares was drafted. Boy Canada is a very greasy little commodity. 6 times a year. Playing against Johnny and and the very lovely Kyle Okposo might actually make Isles games interesting. They might be a playoff team one day, which means someone in the Atlantic is going down. The Rangers might implode or something. This could be fun!

Other than that. . .things are pretty quiet.
Counting down the days to Wednesday.

btw, we thought we were Team Jacob, until we found out he's in league with the Red Wings.
what the fuck, man?


EDIT: RIP Billy Mays, via tPB. More than Farrah and MJ does he deserve your respect. Pittsburgh pride over here.


Ashley said...

You lucky bitches. You ran into Steve Mason. I love MAF with all of my heart and soul, but I cannot deny my jealously. And Timbits are surely delicious, especially when consumed in Canada (like I had the joy of doing once).

And Tavares may be good one day. Maybe he'll do for the Islanders what our youngins did for the 'burgh - keep them where they belong. Besides, I really want to go to a game on Long Island because it's cheap and not to far away from my hometown :) Road trip Xmas Break '09!

Allison's Mouth Full of Tang said...

So glad to hear you both made it out alive after running into Steve Mason. You had me worried.

And, despite the fact that the two of you have different styles or whatever, I can never tell who wrote a post till I get to the bottom. (This is prob cause you write them together so often). But today, I knew Zoe had this one upon reading "the very lovely Kyle Okposo" <3

Thanks for the link about that Islanders stuff. Glad to hear it. Go Tavares! Save that franchise, please.

And, my vote for implosion of a team in the Atlantic devision goes to New Jersey. What the hell are they doing over there? Uncle Daddy isn't gonna be around forever.

Ashley said...

I'm with ya, Allison. Jersey has no fan base, and Uncle Marty's career started to tank during the Carolina series. The Rangers still have King Henrik (for now), although he doesn't have a cup like some sexy goalie named Marc-Andre :p

debrisslide said...

Saw a truck at Eat'n Park last night that was tricked out with Devils stickers, license plate frame, and a towing hitch with the logo on it and everything. PA license plate. It was weird. So, they at least have one fan. In Uniontown.

anovak017 said...

words cannot describe how jealous i am of you bitches. my music prof. from last quarter met umberger..and jealously also ensued.
glad to hear you enjoyed timbits while taking in hockey all day.

and you go john t. save the islanders..god knows somebody has to.

utterfrivolity said...

Very lame to be kicked out before the end of the night. Hope you made it to a sports bar or something before the Pens' pick.

No picture of Viktor Ekbom? Maybe it's just my thing for Swedes, but that kid has put some horribly inappropriate thoughts into my head. He's well legal, I guess, but I still feel a bit dirty.

I haven't had Timbits in forever. I may need to run out and correct that right now...

HockeyHicks said...

We saw that Jacob is rooting for the wrong team... how disappointing... :(

JSt11 said...

AWESOME! Sorry yins got kicked out, but still. Sounded like fun. I too am remaining confident that Scuds will be a Penguin.

@utterfrivolity, your love for Swedes can be accounted for being a Red Wings fan over the years. I have a thing for those French Canadians. Welcome, Mr. Despres.

Candy Man Fan said...

glad to hear you had a good draft day in Columbus. I also enjoyed the pictures of the Wings cleaning their lockers and how Sid and Fleury just stumbled in.

p.s. great banner :)

Aubrey said...

They kicked you out before it was over?! *Sigh* Further proof that Columbus doesn't deserve a hockey team.

(Really though, let's keep them. Please? Have a heart people! I don't mind paying a little extra for my liquor.)

Kimberlass said...

oh nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

where is zoe?

i am smashed

oh noes

Allison's Mouth Full of Tang said...

oh lord.... kimBERLY.... go to sleep

and, just because I can... I am giving a birthday shout out to a very special THEO FLEURY. for thoes of you that don't already know, I am completly obsessed with Theo, and I wish him all the sucess and sobriety in the world.

1wingangel said...

Theo Fleury's birthday is today? Unreal. Mine is, too. Happy Birthday to us.

Candy Man Fan said...

Craig fucking Adams wooooo!

LouLou said...

And now Billy Fucking Guerin!
Wooooo times two!

JSt11 said...



Mullets and Peanut Butter said...

Drafting Phillip Samuelsson made my day. There's some awesome footage of him with daddy Ulf at
2:45 of the 1992-93 Pens season video.

@Allison oh boy Theo Fleury... I want to write a letter to Theo to see if he will visit my friend who just had a nasty bout with Crohn's, which he also has. I had to promise my friend that I wouldn't let Theo do cocaine in her bathroom. Maybe I can get him to concrete my driveway while he's here.

If any of you bitches are interested, my dek hockey team (Tuesday nights in Bridgeville) needs some more girls. Let me know if you're's free

Mullets and Peanut Butter said...

Oops I forgot to mention...if you go to 9:35 of the same 1992-93 Pens video you will find a unreal clip of a certain special someone. Note the shirt and choice of automobile.

Allison's Mouth Full of Tang said...

@Mullets- oh man... I have written a 7 page plus essays on why i love theo fleury, just on my leisure time. I really love him. That would be awesome if he could visit your friend. AND HE'S CLEAN AND SOBER NOW!!!!! So no worries about lines of cocaine in the bathroom.

I already have plans of him concreting my entire house and plot of land when I'm older. His concrete and Staal Sod should make for a happy abode.

AmyB said...

@mullets and peanut butter : Do you guys play at the Rollerplex? I'd be interested but I've never played before. I would need to learn and shit first. Plus I can't figure out how to stop on skates. Hahaa.

Also, I love coming here and just seeing where the comments go. Theo Fleury doing cocaine, Jagr's Camaro. Hahahaaha. Gold.

Victor Hedman is the most gorgeous Swede evar. Too bad he's going to play for the Lightning.

JSt11 said...

@Mullets and Peanut Butter, I'm definitely interested but I have slow pitch games on Tuesdays. My slow pitch season ends in July. I'm not good or anything at hockey. I only started a little here and there since last summer, but I have been working on my shot a little. It's on foot, right?

Awesome find on the video. Dare I say it? Ulf with his little baby is quite DILFy. And I lol'ed pretty hard at Jagr being called a teenage heart throb. Man, that hair. It would have knocked my socks right off.

Mullets and Peanut Butter said...

We play at the Rollerplex, but no skating involved; it's all on foot. We also have a few players on the team who haven't played before.

Ulf Samuelsson is a total DILF. I love when he's saying GO TO BED to his kid with the megaphone...

I don't know if Theo Fleury has kids, but he can be a DILF too. I think I might have to add a square or two about Theo Fleury to my Pens Game of Life I'm making this summer.

My neighbor and I mailed kit kats to Jaromir Jagr in the early 90s. I bet he had fattie time right in the middle of his living room with them.

Allison's Mouth Full of Tang said...

yes, he has at least one son...

As I'm thinking about this, I'm getting unhealthy visions of the Penguins drafting Fleury's son one day. I am so mentally unhealthy. I don't even know if the kid plays hockey.

I'm not sure I would put him in the dilf category, but I admire him so much.

JSt11 said...

A DILF to me is anyone who has kids and does anything on the ice (or arena/stadium depending on the sport) that would be preggers inducing. Or just a really hot older guy.

@Mullets and Peanut Butter, it makes me sad to say it, but I was too young to appreciate or comprehend what was going on in 1991 and 1992. My main concerns were coloring and not peeing the bed. It warms my heart to watch those kinds of videos. I do love the part with the megaphone. Great parenting. Maybe if I do that with my kids, they'll grow up to be badass hockey players.

How long does your dek hockey season go?

JSt11 said...


definition #7: A fine foxy daddy, preferably with a wife and three kids. Ripped to the max from carrying all those baby carriages,idolized by mature teenage girls.


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