Thursday, June 18, 2009

GREETINGS FROM LAS VEGAS

We just got back from lounging by the pool with Pavel and our good friend Leadership. It was Versteeg's turn to be drink boy, and he makes some damn fine bloody marys.
Earlier this afternoon Steve Mason showed us a mirrored elevator in the hotel in a way that only Steve Mason could. We feared for a few moments that we would end up like so many dead hookers at the bottom of the Ohio, but then he had to cut us loose to catch up with his live blog and be with his wicked hot girlfriend.
All in all, we're having a fabulous time.

While we know the red carpet is already laid out for the awards ceremony this evening, do you really trust these fuckers at the NHL to make any decisions that are even mildly worthwhile? We're not so sure that we do. After all, they only do this once a year. We give out awards for nearly every game of the season. We're kind of experts at determining who deserves what.

If we were you, we'd trust us. But luckily we aren't you. If we were, we wouldn't have laceration marks so lovingly given to us in the hotel elevator by Mister Mason. Just saying. We're old pros at this whole award show game. Trust us.


Now, while the drinks are still cold and we still haven't spent every last cent at the poker tables, let's get on to the award show.

WELCOME TO BEAUTIFUL LAS VEGAS
AND THE FIRST ANNUAL
PUCK HUFFERS AWARDS NIGHT
WITH YOUR CHARMING HOSTS
KIM AND ZOE!


We'll begin this show with a musical performance, by an artist who also happens to be the recipient of our very first award of the night.

Surrounded by other musical artists who accomplished so much this season, such as Joe Esposito on that hard night in late January, Lightnin' Hopkins on that fateful night in Washington, and the many efforts put forth by Beulah on do-or-die occasions, this artist really had to put forth a huge effort to be worthy of starting out the awards show this evening. We think the proof is self-evident, and that there will be no arguments against the chosen performer.

Without further adieu, we present to you:

MOST GOALS SAVED BY A MUSICAL ARTIST
presented to
JAMIROQUAI
and his hit single
CANNED HEAT


Another stunning performance.

Moving on, this next award goes to a very special man that we all know and love. Those of us gently easing out of the summer blues by finding foreign feeds of the pre-season witnessed a terrible event that could have had the Penguins down and out for the season. Working through injury to come back and be on top of his game just in time to help put life back into a wilting team, this man aided greatly in the turnaround of a lifetime for the Pittsburgh Penguins. He also takes the task upon him to shadow a young superstar, making sure he is keeping level headed and doing his best. He ended his heroic season by playing two playoff games with a torn MCL, because that is just how pimps do.
A father of two, a strong mentor, and a fucking beast on the point, we humbly offer
THE PURPLE HEART AWARD
to the irreplaceable
SERGEI GONCHAR.

This next award goes to the same person every year and has since the beginning of time. If we could, we would just give him the trophy permanently in order to avoid any further mix-ups. A gentleman named Darren Helm showed up at PH Las Vegas Headquarters here at the Bellagio this morning, interrupting our morning fruit buffet, demanding to know why he hadn't been nominated. While our peace offering of grapefruit and sparkling wine on the balcony at 10AM seemed to alleviate his concerns, we're indignant that anyone even told him he was eligible. We could sit here and point fingers some more, or we could just get down to business. Let's just do the latter, shall we?
We proudly present
THE FASTEST MAN ALIVE TROPHY
to its only deserving holder
PRESIDENT T. KENNEDY

Now for an award that goes to an individual who never ceases to provide wonderful tales from the south side. Be it on weekends, after games, or a midday excursion, this man always provides plenty of rumors to be brought back home from Carson Street. Although unwilling to pose in your photos for obvious reasons, whether hanging off of the VIP balcony screaming the words to Journey songs or getting trashed at the wine bar, he'll always send you home with something hilarious to tell your friends.
We admit that he has a bit of an unfair advantage, what with "watching the grass grow" a seriously-considered pass time of his youth, but we refuse to let that take away from this young man's glory. We happily present the
UNDERAGE AND LOVING IT AWARD
to the world's most lovable lush
JORDAN STAAL

This next award goes to a man who really knows how to display his physicality in a variety of ways. When he's not beating the shit out of dudes on the ice, he can be found fingerpainting with terminally ill small children and putting shaving cream in the faces of rookie goaltenders. He also has that weird open-mouthed grin, like that one kid you knew in high school--is he high or is he just goofy? We assure you that this man is not high. Unless it's on painkillers after breaking his hands. Would you trust him to babysit? To defend your superstar in a line brawl? What about for a roll in the hay? Perhaps all three?
We're pleased to present
THE MOST BEAUTIFUL HUMAN AWARD
to the very sexy
ERIC GODARD

Now, we come to an award that is close to our hearts. Throughout this season, many people have unwittingly fought for this honor right here in the comments and e-mails of Puck Huffers. Through many rallies and calls to action, the Blingee power of this site has grown more and more pronounced. Although it is hard to select just one person to receive this honor, we have made our choice. Through a fantastic display of the understanding of glitter, flashing text, and obnoxious graphics, this individual has proven their worth to us again and again. We are honored to present the
CHAMPION OF BLINGEES AWARD
to the seizure-inducing
TP

Next we have an award that we have slowly been offering for the better part of half of the season. If we had a time machine here at PH, we would go back in time to gently stroke the hair of the person receiving this award, tell them that things would be okay, and that everything wrong would soon be righted. Alas, we do not have that technology, so we must settle for occasional trips to Delaware to profess our guilt for not being as prophetic as we wish to be. We can trace the beginnings of this award all the way back to January 30th, 2009. May that day live on forever in history. It brings a tear to our eye to offer the
MOST REDEMPTIVE MAN ALIVE AWARD
to the awe-inspiring
MARK EATON

Now, there are a lot of guys in the NHL who might be mistaken for lesbians. Scott Hartnell after he has brushed his hair out nicely. Chris Kunitz, even, is just called The Lesbian by the Hockey Junkies. But this year, we discovered something about another very famous NHL man. And that's that with that ass and those thighs and oddly effeminate Kazakh ways, he might not have to dress up too much to get some attention at ladies' night at your local gay bar.
We love him dearly and wish he and his team would stop choking in the playoffs for Christ's sake, but we have to present
THE UGLIEST LESBIAN AWARD
to he of the tree-trunk thighs
EVGENI NABOKOV

This next award is goes to a man we've all grown to respect, love, and fear. From that little smirk he gives someone before their last moments alive, to the vicious hits at center ice, to the blood that always finds its way onto his jersey by the end of the game, to his perpetual back eye, to the glare he gave to Helm in the seventh game of the series, this man has killed billions and hasn't even blinked. Well...he never does actually blink. We crouch in fear as we hand over the
HIGHEST BODY COUNT AWARD
to the dangerously sexy
BROOKS ORPIK

While we are a little miffed by the fact that our next award recipient hasn't jumped at our repeated offers of a threesome, he is still one of the strongest acquisitions that our team managed to make this year. Through his guidance, Sidney Crosby became less of a robot and the team stormed its way to the top of the food chain. While we sat back, hoping for just one ass-slap, just one morning on the back patio in robes, fetching drinks and cooking steak for the man, he was too concerned with making sure the team knew what was up. We're okay with that. We understand that throwing in some last minute veterans at the trade deadline is a tried and true technique to kicking a young team into gear. But now as summer sets in, we hope that we can offer even more than the
OLDEST TRICK IN THE BOOK AWARD
to the oh-so fetching
BILL GUERIN

Now for an award that goes to a man who has been deeply missed by approximately 10 PH readers. If you count your charming hosts. Through many nights of boredom where no worthwhile teams were playing hockey, one man kept us entertained while we curled up in our apartments, staving off hockey withdraw. Even now, as he sulks around our executive suite asking why HE wasn't invited backstage to the awards, admiring the complimentary robes and the view of the beautiful Nevada sunset, this man makes us laugh, makes us cry, and makes us want to make plans for a designer clothing line with him. If he would stop talking about the $5.99 all-you-can-eat ribs for just ten seconds, we will happily present the
MOST ADORED FINN IN NET
to the highly-confused
VESA TOSKALA

What to say about this next award recipient? Only that somehow, he's managed to overcome a lot of handicaps in his life. After captaining a QMJHL team to back-to-back championships, you thought his career would be off to a rolling start. But instead he was drafted in the eighth round, spent three years of his life drunk, and lost a lot of fights. His first NHL goal came from clearing the puck from center ice past a sleeping Antero Niittymäki--no skill required. Rarely has anything he's ever done looked pretty--from his house and facial hair and unreal shirts to his now-famed "bad hands" and goofy skating just to keep up with everyone else in the NHL who is taller than he is. He played a good portion of this season injured and it showed on the scoresheet--the numbers didn't quite add up. But take the playoffs. His relentless attitude towards every game proved to be life-changing. When you have eight goals in the playoffs and four of those came during the Stanley Cup Final and two of those were the only goals for your team, including the game-winner, in a deciding Game 7 on enemy ice, we at PH think it's fair to say you've arrived. Fuck as many bitches as you please, sweetie. Enjoy the scotch.
We present with the misty eyes of proud parents
THE COMPLETELY ABSURD AND HEROIC EXISTENCE AWARD
to the extremely tasteful
MAXIME TALBOT

Every once in awhile we have to take time to acknowledge the wholeheartedly dick moves accomplished by any one stunningly uncaring individual. The winner of this award has proven to be so very high-and-mighty that we wish we could give it to him twice. In a certain code of respect, players are to acknowledge their fans. Especially when it is raining outside. Especially when you are an AHL call up who is lucky to have people who even know who the fuck you are. Engineer of his own bad reputation, fairly fantastic player, and total asshole, we present this
LEAST LIKELY TO FIST PUMP IN THE RAIN AWARD
to the classless dick
DUSTIN JEFFREY

Now, here is a man who is deserving of an award. Through his many odd personality quirks, his grooming techniques, and overall strangeness, this individual has made it oh-so-simple for us to bestow hilarious and vastly varied titles upon him. As writers always looking for ways to freshen things up, if we felt a little dusty we could always just throw in a "Le____" joke, and feel a little better about ourselves. From LeSwoon to LeHair to LeUnicorn, we feel that we have no other option than to give the
MOST EASILY NICKNAMED AWARD
to the always-charming
KRIS LETANG

He knew he was receiving this award before we even decided we were doing an awards show tonight. We thought of some other prominent figures who might be eligible, but then things started happening. The champagne wasn't perfectly chilled as per our request. The deluxe plate of truffles was delivered to the wrong room. The slot machines only paid out hundreds of dollars to our godlike hands 75% of the time. We knew what we had to do, and that was acknowledge the man who got us through our own Pittsburgh Penguins backup goaltending controversy, the man who pulls all the strings in heaven, the man to whom we pray when we see weird bounces off the endboards or a deer charging out in front of our cars at two in the morning.
Cross yourselves and pray, we are presenting
THE PIMPEST DEITY AWARD
to the omnipresent and omnipotent
JOHN CURRY

Throughout the examining the game of hockey, your charming hosts are obviously sometimes distracted by the *ahem* finer qualities of certain players. While our players of choice cycle through, we will always have our tried-and-true favorites. Others will always present us with qualities that we can't avoid commending. This award was created just this morning while Kim was enjoying being taken to breakfast by Zdeno Chara (6'9") where they enjoyed cherries that he picked himself, during which she realized that expressing gratitude towards such individuals is paramount. As we have pointed out over a series of CMNF features, the tall make us happy people. So when you combine tallness with being completely ripped and a defensive genius? It's hard for us to not fall in love and give the
THANK YOU FOR BEING SO FUCKING HUGE AWARD
to the impressively enormous
HAL GILL

We don't claim to be particularly close to this next recipient. We've only known him for a short time. There are others who have been blessed with his presence before. He won the Cup three years ago on another team, and then found himself placed on waivers as the Chicago Blackhawks saw no need for him anymore. He contemplated leaving the NHL. But no Stanley Cup Champion should have to leave the world of hockey. A grinder and penalty killer such as he is an integral part to any winning team, but he might get it once in a lifetime. Two Stanley Cup rings on this man's hand is a very special thing. And let's not forget that he was born in Brunei and went to Harvard. It's akin to the images we have of imperialist conquests in the early 19th century: a highly-educated aristocrat sitting on a rhinoceros that he just slay in the jungle, drinking brandy from his glass without a care in the goddamned world. He might look out of place, but he doesn't give a fuck. He's a champion.
We have to present
THE MOST UNLIKELY PEDIGREE AWARD
to the classiest fourth-liner around
CRAIG ADAMS


One of our favorite awards we will give this night pays homage to a little place that we both know and love. Maybe you're not familiar, but that's okay. This award is given in the spirit of Fayette County, where the people work hard, speak strangely, and love to sit in the garage and drink a cold beer. It's hard not to fall in love with the citizens, no matter how rough-around-the-edges they may appear. We've been in the FC for a long time, and we believe we're expert enough to present the
HONORARY FAYETTE COUNTY CITIZENSHIP AWARD
to the humble and hardworking
MATT COOKE

This award is given with just a hint of disgust, as we are never prepared for the horror that unfolds before our eyes when this man decides to parade his children around in front of us. As contenders for the most heinously adorable creations on Curry's Green Earth, we need written notification at least three days in advance if we are expected to not fall to our knees and start putting needle holes in our entire condom collection when seeing these children paraded around by their loving father. Please, sir, will you at least make an effort to protect our mental well being if we say that the
MOST ADORABLE NHL FATHER AROUND
is mercilessly won by
PASCAL DUPUIS

BREAKING NEWS
Leadership Richards is currently live on the red carpet.
We're staying in the hotel until the last possible moment.
We're not risking running into Carrie Milbank.
We elect Alyonka and Katie for all further interviews from here on out.
Can we do that?
Roberto Luongo is being adorable.

Back to the awards show.

Our next award goes to someone who deserves so much more than he gets. He was drafted in the fifth round in 1998 and since then has built a legacy. He is the individual you want when you're killing a 5-on-3 situation. He is the individual you want down low, blocking shots, helping the goalie out. On top of his amazing defensive play, he is also an incredible human being, who has married Courtney, the most beautiful woman in the world, en route to having adorable children, all of whom are undoubtedly virtuous. This is a man who works hard for what he gets, and has for a long time been the NHL's best-kept secret. After two consecutive Stanley Cup Finals appearances in which his genius was placed on a pedestal, some believe that the rest of the league has finally realized what an amazing person he actually is. We certainly hope he gets the recognition he deserves, and if Ray Shero knows what's good for the team, he'll make every valiant effort to keep this man on our roster. However, we will never forget what he did for us, nor the years of work he put in with a Penguins crest on his uniform in order to reach this shining moment in his career.
We have to present, with all due respect,
THE "FUCK YOU WE HAD HIM FIRST" AWARD
to ROBERT SCUDERI, AMERICAN HERO

This next man deserves recognition for many things this season. Starting at the top, his hair. His adorable peach-fuzz attempt at a playoff beard. His hand, ruined by Colbs's face. His amazing mid-season comeback that helped rescue the team. The way he walks amongst the fans after games, as though he is Jesus and we are his disciples. This man has stunned and amazed us this season, and while we never thought we would get that close to him, he has proven us wrong. We'd like to present the
GROWN ON US LIKE FUNGUS AWARD
to the one and only
RUSLAN FEDOTENKO

This next award makes us feel a little uncomfortable. Have you ever woken up inside your house and felt oddly not alone? Like someone was about to come up behind you at the counter while you were making coffee? Ask you what you were doing sleeping so late before giving you a swift jerk of the arm and throwing you onto the kitchen island?
. . .
Us neither.
Anyway.
This is for the man who has felt like a Penguin ever since he got here. Whose goal celebration hugs to his teammates might be mistaken for photographs of soldiers and their sweethearts reuniting on a dock after WWII. Who spent the latter part of the season as well as the playoffs injured and not putting up the numbers we're used to seeing him put up. But between telling Marc-André Fleury that he was still winning the series and that he loved him, and laying his body down to block a shot in his six minutes of ice time in the Stanley Cup Final, he still made his mark on the playoffs.
It might be enough for him to stay. It might not.
Either way, we're thankful of all those mornings we've woken up with bruises.
We are pleased to present
THE MOST ADORABLE PERSON EVER AWARD
to the walking sex machine that is
PETR SYKORA

Of course this next award is all-important to the lot of you. We received a lot of REALLY FANTASTIC entries to the t-shirt contest. Sadly we can only pick one. Which means that...we actually picked two. We're not sure what the runner-up prize is just yet, but we'll figure it out soon.

And now...

THE RUNNER UP
Sent to us by the ever-wonderful Rach.
It's a Blingee, it's a haiku, it's a sod farm, it's pepper...could we really ask for more? God...to beat this, it's almost like someone would have to find a fucking mountain and climb it...
wait...
wait...
THE WINNER
Good job, Mer.
We'll be in touch with you bitches about prizes shortly.

So, this next award recipient has dealt with enough crap. We traded Darryl Sydor to Dallas to get him, and what else could you ask for in a seventh defenseman? He killed penalties, his shot is a fucking bullet, and when he has to get nasty he gets nasty. Nobody's perfect. He played solid. However, when the team isn't playing great as a whole, it's easy to latch on to the new kid as whipping boy. The regular season was a very long, hard road and a lot of people got thrown under the bus. But we can't think of a less offensive person to throw under the bus. We repeat: he was solid. And he finally got a Stanley Cup. He played on enough good teams to deserve it. He added experience to a locker room of younger defensemen when Sarge was down and out. We hope you're through whining.
We gladly present with a pat on the back
THE VETERAN PRESENCE AWARD
to the very responsible
PHILIPPE BOUCHER

This next award goes to a man that Kim can't talk about for all that long, lest she start screaming at passers by and hitting the whiskey a little too heavily. When we learned that he was not invited to the show tonight, we called him and asked if he wanted to share a bed in our suite with Vesa. He curiously declined. A man of talent, beauty and many amazing, countless other unreal qualities, we can't help but give the
MOST PERFECT MAN ALIVE AWARD
to the most perfect man alive,
JEFF TAFFE

And now for a man who has been absent for far too long from our lives. While sitting out this season he has happily participated in every charity event we could throw at him, and has only sung his praises of the sweetness that is Pittsburgh. His absence in the faceoff circle has been mourned almost every game, and we can only hope that he gets to hang around for another season with the Pens to show us what he can do over a full season of play. For now, we give the
WISH YOU WERE HERE AWARD
to the very missed
MIKE ZIGOMANIS

We can't forget those who have provided silent support throughout the season, and this man has been yet another veteran presence that has done us well. When looking at a horrifyingly devastating game against the Red Wings, this man stepped in and saw to it that the situation didn't get any worse. Providing a strong support system to a young goaltender is an important task, and this is a guy who has filled the role well. While we don't see him much on the ice, we give him our respect for all that he does. We're honored to give the
GUIDANCE OF THE FLOWER AWARD
to the charmingly supportive
MATHIEU GARON

There are some players that even we at PH threw under the bus. This is a guy who spent most of the regular season playing soft and leaving most people scratching their heads wondering whether or not he actually wanted to be there. At the trade deadline, we sent him down to the AHL to make cap space, and that last regular season game he played at Tampa Bay was his most balls-out performance of the season. And then, when he was called back up to replace Petr Sykora, there were no hard feelings whatsoever. He played fucking well. He was playing for the Cup, and you know what? He got it.
For these acts of valiance, we have
THE CLASS ACT AWARD
presented to the not-very-evil-at-all
MIROSLAV SATAN

This next award is for a man who we plan to grow closer to in the coming years. A sweet pickup before the trade deadline in exchange for Whits, we got more than we hoped for out of this guy. He was clearly a little homesick for his old team, but played like hell for ours. We think that his coming time being harassed by guys like Godard and Mattie Cooke will loosen him up and make him seem like a little bit more of a fit in the Penguins locker room. We look forward to getting to know more, and are happy to present this
LET'S BE FRIENDS AWARD
to the very shy
CHRIS KUNITZ


We always love a rookie. When a veteran goes down, it is often the chance for someone younger and inexperienced to prove himself. This guy did just that. When the power play was mud, he was just like "fuck it" and threw it to the back of the net from the blueline. Because he could. Of course he made rookie mistakes, but without those, he wouldn't have learned enough to become a top six guy in the near future. He's got a contract now, a nice big one. If he pulls a Mike Commodore and starts rolling around with money in his underwear, we won't complain.
With our favorite move (the pimp strut, that is) we present
THE PH ROOKIE OF THE YEAR AWARD
to the gorgeous
ALEX GOLIGOSKI

Again, we hate to be shallow bitches. But sometimes it's hard to separate sexual defense from the player himself. When this award recipient isn't scoring unassisted playoff goals at Nassau Coliseum (and impregnating everyone in attendance) or writing for his blog that he hasn't updated in millennia, he's busy more or less looking fine and charming us into puddles on the floor. We dare you not to have a crush on him.
Because this is, after all,
THE MOST FUCKABLE AHL CALL-UP AWARD
presented to the witty and wonderful
BENJAMIN LOVEJOY

Heroes come in many shapes and forms. We think we have found the ideal build, and that is 5'11", 213 lbs, and a beautiful face. Never has there ever been an individual whose voice we longed for more than this man's, never have we wanted to comply to the every whim of one human being. We don't even know what to say. We're blushing. We give this very-serious
SWEETEST NOTHINGS AWARD
to the very experienced lover,
CAL CLUTTERBUCK

This award recipient took the long road through hockey. From the ECHL to the AHL to his brief stints with the Penguins in the NHL, he recorded his first point and his first goal with Pittsburgh last season. This season, when the Penguins probably could have filled their own hospital with how many injuries we had, he was there again, grinding it out, looking like he'd been playing the game his entire life.
We gladly present
THE BEST HOCKEY SMILE AWARD
to the battered and bruised
CHRIS MINARD

What can you say about this final award recipient other than that he is fucking crazy? All of his miraculous achievements aside. You know, being a Stanley Cup winning goaltender. One of the few people who has ever stoned Alexander Ovechkin on a breakaway. He's had some tough moments too. Goals that shouldn't have gone in. Bad bounces. Some faulty instincts while playing the puck. But he's been through it all at this point. His flexibility and his athleticism always made people jealous, but there are other reasons to add to the list now. And might we add--his girlfriend is smokin'. If you don't want to do doughnuts in an icy parking lot with this man, we question your sense of fun.
It's our pleasure to present
THE "SILENCING THE HATERS" AWARD
to the ever-cheerful
MARC-ANDRÉ FLEURY

This award needs no introduction.
THE GOD OF HOCKEY
rightly owned by
SIR MARIO LEMIEUX

As our second-to-last award, this one proves very important. We here at PH have never been ones to sing constant approval of this particular player, but that has made our journey into respecting him all the more clear. Starting off as a young guy with a chip on his shoulder, he quickly grew up in the world of hockey and learned how to handle things diplomatically both on and off the ice. While maybe not as natural a talent as some other players, he worked his ass off for every inch, and earned everything he ever got. He didn't ask for the media. He just got it. And he has handled it well. Never has there been a player who respected the game more. Never has there been a player who deserved to win the Cup more. He has grown up for this, worked for this, has been on a mission for it his entire life. And now he has it. And don't you think for a second that this has quenched his thirst for glory. We humbly present the
THERE'S PLENTY MORE WHERE THAT CAME FROM AWARD
to the one and only
SIDNEY CROSBY

And last but certainly not least, the award that takes it all. League-wide, the man that not only racked up the most points, but the player that most improved the play of those on his team. Not playing for himself, but playing for a team, this man has proven to be the best player not only in the NHL, but in the world. Fuck what anyone else says. This is the truth, these are the facts, and this is the
MVP AWARD
rightfully bestowed upon
EVGENI MALKIN


That's all we have for you right now.
Enjoy the show.
We'll try not to get too drunk and pregnant all at once.

Thank you for coming out to the final award show of the season.
We'll be here later for some housecleaning and our thoughts on the 'other' awards show.

Go Pens.
Go Geno.

35 comments:

BehindTheBlueLine02 said...

That was awesome.

Oatmeal Love Affair said...

Woo! Time to reveal my identity: I am "TP." I won! Thank you PH and everyone who was blinded by my art.

The Blingee you showcased is titled "Fiesta Gill."

I will make a Blingee (or Blingees) to honor this moment.

pittsburghsteelrocks.com said...

I say nice one (bruva) Kim and Zoe! Congratulations to Mer and Rach. We had nothing at all to do with any part of the contest, we've been MIA since the Staal vs Staal series as far as e-mails/advertising/making any attempt to run a business goes, but these PSR shirts have never looked so good. Puck Huffers is indeed wild. In the off season we'll work on -Not promising to make Rob Scuderi/Petr Fevr shirts and then never getting it to them. Please forgive, we're only human.

My favorite award goes to my favorite human being Sergei Gonchar. Any award that includes the word HEART goes to Gonch by default. He probably played guitar for the band HEART. Is he the Barracuda?

pittsburghsteelrocks.com said...

Also Congratulations TP. Fiesta Gill is truly the first great piece of art of the 21st Century.

AmyB said...

SO much fun to read. I love it. Congrats to Rach (Nice t-shirt BTW. That's the one I got), Mer and Oatmeal! I'm pretty excited about Gonch's award. I was so freakin happy to see that man win a Cup.

Matt Cooke sends my ovaries into a frenzy. He's had that effect on me ever since the Pens did Make a Wish for that little boy with cystic fibrosis, and Cookie picked him up and skated around the ice for him *melts*. And this? OMG he makes me want babies.

AmyB said...

Ovechkin just won the Hart. Malkin didn't notice because he had the Conn Smyth and the Stanley Cup in his ears, and he was banging Ovie's girlfriend.

debrisslide said...

AmyB--top 5 comments of all time.

Simona said...

Fuck the NHL Awards. The PH Awards are way better in that they're more entertaining, wittier and way less awkward. The only thing the NHL got right is giving Chara the Norris.

Congrats Mer and Rach. The sod farm, the mountain, epic pictures.

AmyB, your comment is spot on :)

Geno is and always will be the real MVP.

Mullets and Peanut Butter said...

If you're not careful, Vesa might go join the Cirque du Soleil show and perform some acrobatics that might make your uterus explode.

Fat Teddy is taking Alex Sheepy (I refuse to address him by the Russian version of his name...my Russian coworker tells me it translates loosely to Sheepy)to the Liberace Museum to celebrate.

I am quite happy to see that Matt Cooke was granted citizenship in Fayette. Can't you picture him calling bingo at the volunteer fire hall or cooking burgers for the church booth at the fair?

pittsburghsteelrocks.com said...

Ha, in Fayette I think Cooke calls the bingo games while Billy Geurin is on the grill.

captain badger said...

This post is the very definition of GLORIOUS. "COMPLETELY ABSURD AND HEROIC EXISTENCE" sums up Max 100%. And I bet Belleville, Ontario is totally the Fayette County of Canada.

captain badger said...

I have to ask, though: what about an award for Coach Disco, who was so unceremoniously snubbed for the Jack Adams?

Katherine said...

Absolutely loved this. Just awesome. I was so happy to see Lovejoy =D

Val said...

Awesome, excellent, wow, loved it, you rock puckhuffers!

anovak017 said...

http://cache.daylife.com/imageserve/091605HeFxfxS/610x.jpg

just because it's stevie...and i'm slightly upset his smokin' girlfriend isn't in that picture.
geno will always be mvp..after that flawless art ross speech i was preparing myself for a hart trophy speech..damn you writers.

Candy Man Fan said...

there were so many awards I was like "omg I need to comment about this" when I was reading and now I can't remember them all. Jeff Taffe might be my favorite. or Sykie. idk idk they're all great.

also I fail at life for never sending in a picture of my sign I made. and now I can't find the pictures I took. but it was the word "STAAL" made out of grass (aka) sod. like I glued grass in the shape of the letters. it was better in theory than in practice and I had grass glued to my hands when I was done but yeah. I'm glad the winner incorporated sod into her picture

JSt11 said...

Nice work. Way to commemorate a great season. Congrats to the winners and Mr. Mason.
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

"I skipped school!" Never gets old.

I'm an adult, and dammit, I demand more coloring pages for my drunk escapades this summer.

Oatmeal Love Affair said...

Blingee, like Letang, does not believe in plural nouns.


Woo!


Petr needs a little love.

pittsburghsteelrocks.com said...

Stanley Cup + Blingee makes so much sense. I think the NHL should do like Fox used to with the glowing puck on TV. Everytime they show the Stanley Cup it should just be blingeed. Anyone who touches it should instantly be blingeed aswell. Revolutionary.

Allison's Mouth Full of Tang said...

stunned

i can't even cohesivly comment

Noodles and Henrik said...

If Alex Goligoski decided to pull a "Mike Commodore" I better be in that picture with him, rolling around in my underwear with him and his money.

That is a dream of mine...sad, I know.

rach the h said...

Hahaha, thanks, guys. I call it "The Essence of PH." (aka, what happens when you don't have one good idea -- you throw all of your other ideas into one and hope it turns out) Kudos to Mer for scaling a fucking mountain and the tranquil simplicity of it all.

I have to say -- while the NHL Awards Show was sure to be a letdown, the PH Awards never fucking disappoint. What a display. My personal favorite? Dustin I-don't-give-a-fuck Jeffrey. Dick. And, uh, not to be biased or anything, but -- no Hometown Hero Award for Billy Thomas? :(

Ah well. I am now going to recommence staring at that puppy photo that Allison posted. I just can't stop.

rach the h said...

And holy shit. How is it that every Blingee ever posted is shinier, sparklier, and more blinding than its predecessor? Unreal.

nightsky73144 said...

ok - the random extra arm in the WOO blingee freaks me out (I mean, I know it belongs to one of the Pens - too lazy to go look at the photos to see whose arm it is)

PH awards >>>> NHL awards

my favorite was Petr - I just love that man - and am crushed at the probability of him leaving...

oh, favor, please?
I was unable to get to PH for a couple days - then, realized that I might try a search to find it again. I've caught up on posts, but think I may have missed a couple of your epic banners (and I want a whole set). I have Tanger, Max, JStaal, and Craig F Adams. Any way I could get a link to any others? Please?

MadMax84 said...

Rach, Oatmeal Love Affair/TP, and Mer=Unreal human beings.

The NHL Awards almost put me to sleep other than Geno/Max gettin' sexy with the Cup, and Baby-faced Mason getting some nods. BJs in '09-10 vs. Pens, do it.

Zoe. Kim. I wish I had a blog so I could bestow an award upon you both. You deserve it. This post= the most epic way to cap off a Cup-winning season (NHL, pay attention). If I had my druthers/blog, you two'd be getting MadMax84's "These Bitches Be Fly" Award for the 2008-2009 season. Congrats.

wrap around curl said...

Those awards were spot on and amazing.

Letang also wins an award for impregnating so many women with that out of control and amazing unicorn mane of hair.

Tangers, just put it in me.

mer said...

@kim & zoe - are you fucking serious??? I won??? wow.

also, the Petr award? one of the countless reasons I am thrilled to bits that I own a Sykora jersey.

@ captain badger - although I've never been to Fayette County, I've spent enough time in Belleville to agree that it has DEFINTELY got some potential in terms of it's equivalent.

eyebleaf said...

Wow.

Annie S said...

There are no words... only that you guys prove once again why Puck Huffers is my favorite blog in the history of ever, as much as or more than tPB. I can't even say which one of these is my favorite. I love this team. I love you all.

Also, Geno is fucking adorable. And I'd forgotten how good looking Max really is without that thing on his face.

Mullets and Peanut Butter said...

More blingees are on the way.

Geno's awards

Kimberlass said...

@nightsky73144- email us that same question and we'll send them to you.

Juls said...

I spit out my Diet Coke a couple of times during that post. Hilarious... I'm sending it to all my friends. :-)

25superstar said...

holy shitpuppies. that was just amazing. i love it. i love you!!! :]

AmyB said...

@PSR : Incredible ideas. Perhaps that would charm the elusive "casual fans" that the NHL tries to hard to court?

Jaredoflondon said...

you two are bat shit insane

dont ever change

 
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Puck Huffers by Kimberly Davidson and Zoë Hayden is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.