We'll be starting the Twilight liveblog here in a little bit.
Btw, the awesome dudes at the KISS Morning Freakshow mentioned us and posted our drinking game on their blog. They said they might mention us again on Monday to get everyone in a drinkin' mood. Either way you should listen. Because we will. Because who needs sleep on a Monday morning the day of an Eastern Conference Finals game in Pittsburgh? NOT US.
Should we take a shot already?
Bella's lookin' angsty.
Uhhh. Go Pens?
We'll be back.
Keep this page up and refresh it! Just like the good old days.
10:31PM - Can we just point out? The opening menu sparkles. And we're not really going to follow any rules particularly, because that would just suck. It's why we're mixing vodka with Faygo Redpop and pink lemonade instead of doing shots. Srsly.
10:33PM - The movie has started. Bella is dying. Something about a deer. Everything should sparkle, actually. . .so we can't drink when something that "shouldn't" does. Blingee has taught us this.
10:35 - The town is Forks? Whatever. Her dad's name is Charlie...and has a wicked stache. Someone call Adam and Derek from tPB, copyright infringement for sure.
10:38PM - Bella's truck is so damn fly. Just like her acting. She is apparently more of the "suffer in silence" type. What a winner!
10:40 - Who the fuck are these people? "I got your back baby." Something about teen drinking. What? Who said that? They are srsly talking about dick size. FIRST VAMPIRE SIGHTING. FROM ALASKA.
10:42PM - EDWARD CULLEN HAS ARRIVED. Don't waste your time, Bella. THEY HAVE THEIR OWN LUNCH TABLE. YOU COULD GET LYNCHED.
10:44 My goodness, Bella, you happened to step just in front of that fan, whipping your hair around your perfect face every which way. What a coincidence. She is eating a garden burger with Pensblog Charlie. Everything is so symbolic, too. It's so deep. SO. DEEP. Like the Caps forwards. So, so deep.
10:47 OMFG VAMPIRES ARE EVIL AND EDWARD IS SKIPPING SCHOOL BECAUSE BELLA CARRIES THE STENCH OF DEATH OR WEREWOLF OR SOMETHING. THEY ARE ANIMALS. THEY KILL EVERYONE.
10:50 - Thanks for the tires? How 'bout thanks for the truck, which you never thanked Pensblog Charlie for, you ungrateful bitch. We like how if Bella can't have Cullen friends she won't have any friends! Edward Cullen has the most amazing "Hello" we have EVER heard. We would so fuck ANYONE who says HELLO like that during a lesson about MITOSIS.
10:56 - Bella and Edward Cullen just had the mos earth shattering conversation about the weather. For like, six full minutes. And then he was like HAI I JUST MET YOU BUT PLEASE TELL ME EVERY DETAIL ABOUT YOUR SHATTERED FAMILY. So she did. And then his eyes changed color. It was the fluorescents. Best-person-in-the-world ANDY just arrived to watch it with with us. As 23 year old man, he has of course read the books. Total awww moment: he read it so he could bond with his 11-year-old sister. Anyway, his playoff beard is amazing, so it's all cool. This movie is obviously changing our lives, btw. It is so amazing and the dialogue is so realistic.
11:01 Edward just saved Bella's life with his hands. By stopping a van. With his hand. DOCTOR CULLEN HAS ARRIVED. WHAT A BANGIN' VAMPIRE.
11:04 "WELL I HOPE YOU ENJOY DISAPPOINTMENT." Pensblog Charlie has an orange backpack. Edward Cullen should watch her sleep more often. It's kind of sexy. It's not creepy AT FUCKING ALL. Never. These lines in this movie? Amazing. I really like this blonde-haired kid who is incredibly awkward and terrible. Edward is staring at Bella all slack-jawed and this adorable kid is getting shut the fuck down. Bella hates normal people. Bella is all about the vampire. Like, this PRECIOUS boy just asked her to prom and she said no. He is PRECIOUS. Listen. We're talking BILLY THOMAS precious. But he's not a vampire, so he is obviously a worthless shell of a being not worth Bella's time. Not in this life, or the next.
11:07 Bella keeps falling, we keep drinking. "I'm sorry I'm being rude all the time, I just think it's the best way." Edward is so good at wooing the ladies. He is telling Bella that they shouldn't be friends. Some points: 1) we weren't aware that they were friends. 2) She is like "uh, okay" and he keeps following her, making sure that she KNOWS they shouldn't be friends. Obviously the best tactic for not-friend-being. All of these real people want to be friends with her and they are kind of awesome and she is blowing them off for Edward, but really, WHY IS HE STILL FOLLOWING HER IF THEY SHOULDN'T BE FRIENDS. HE IS FOLLOWING HER AND TELLING HER TO STAY AWAY, CONTINUOUSLY. This prom-boy is fucking adorable. We love him most.
11:11 Prom-boy is named Eric. These people who want to be her friends are fucking awesome. And Jacob goes to school on the reservation. He's cute too. They are all cute and normal and Bella invited Edward to this awesome beach to be with awesome people. Like she is social or some shit. And they are thoughtfully eating twizzlers like heroes.
11:14 This is Andy. While watching this movie I was completely taken aback by the. . .apparently. . .very scary ROPE CHASE. It was in there for TWO SECONDS. But it's probably going to be the BEST PART OF THIS MOVIE. WE ARE ALL LAUGHING SO HARD THAT WE CAN'T BREATHE AND HAD TO REWIND IT. WHO CHASES SOMEONE WITH A ROPE? EVEN IF IT'S WET! THAT'S STILL NOT SCARY!
11:21PM - Bella knows that Google answers all burning questions.
11:27 So when you are about to rape a girl, you ask her if she wants to play beer pong, right? Because I think you do. These guys in this movie do. Edward drives a sweet Volvo. And is apparently drunk driving. No one knows. ZOE SPILLED REDPOP FUCKING EVERYWHERE. She also said that my cat, which is her cat's sister, is more "commercial" while her fatass retard beast is more "couture." Whatevs, hobag.
11:31 LOL, OMG, MizzPenz, WE LOVE YOU. As we were posting about Edward's sweet Volvo, M commented about working with Volvo and how this movie changed everything. Amazing. Welcome to the comment section. <333
11:37 So, it's no secret that we know a fuckton about True Blood. We like, love True Blood. And Sookie is fascinated by Bill because she can't read Bill's mind. Apparently Edward likes Bella because he can't read her mind. What a fucking concept. And then they had this moment in Edward's amazing Volvo where they both reached for some dial on the dashboard and they like GASPED at each other like it was the most meaningful thing to ever happen in the history of humanity. Like, seriously. SERIOUSLY. Detroit sucks cock btw. We just wanted to tell you. Go Blackhawks. Bella is like the Eric Staal of Twilight. She sees Godzilla everywhere.
11:40 Maggie it's awesome you remembered your login. Thanks for sharing.
11:44 Bella was just touching herself.
11:49 So Edward and Bella just had this amazing moment in the woods where she reveals that he is a vampire and she reveals her fearlessness. It's like realizing that Petr Sykora is a one-dimensional offensive player, or that Vesa Toskala is a subpar goaltender, or that your childhood heroes like Alexei Kovalev are all old and won't have sex with you. (Kim is crying now because I wrote that.) Like, we have no words for the extreme crushing quality of this epic revelation. We feel cheated. By the Universe. By Bella. By Edward. By Curry. By everyone. YOU WON'T HURT ME, says bella. Quoth Andy, "LET THE RAPE SCENE COMMENCE!!!"
11:53 EDWARD CULLEN IS A BLINGEE.
11:58 Okay. Let's have a moment here, you and me. Kim and reader. Listen to me. Bella and Edward just had a moment. They are in the woods. There is soft piano music. It's misty. Edward becomes a blingee. He tells Bella that she is his "own personal brand of heroin." It doesn't get more romantic than this moment. He has her pinned against a tree. The camera pans away. And now they are sitting in a field of flowers. No sex. No kissing. I am ENRAGED. Like, WHAT?! No. No. I refuse. I refuse this movie. I refuse these books. Anyway. We are now all sharing a sandwich. It is amazing and making this pathetic film experience almost tolerable. It is like...our own personal brand of heroin. Look forward to the overuse of this phrase in the future.
12:10AM Is Edward a fucking virgin or some shit? Is there dick in this movie?
12:13 Pensblog Charlie is back. Where's cute Eric? Can Bella just get with Eric or Jacob already and not live in Max Talbot's house? LIKE WE ARE FUCKING SERIOUS. THE VAMPIRES LIVE IN MAX TALBOT'S HOUSE. THE MOST BEAUTIFUL ARCHITECTURAL ACHIEVEMENT OF THE 20TH FUCKING CENTURY.
FROM THE FILM
THE MOST BEAUTIFUL HOME EVER
THE VAMPIRES HAVE MORE WINDOWS
BECAUSE THEY BECOME BLINGEES IN THE SUNSHINE
MAX DO YOU BECOME A BLINGEE IN THE SUNSHINE?
WE MUST KNOW.
12:25 Kim keeps waiting for this to become soft porn. It is not. Edward just started playing some fucking piano suite to her which means that we have to drink more, obviously. Like, seriously. This is the slowest fucking film ever. And like. . .as Andy just said, this movie shouldn't be called twilight it should be called Cocktease. Kim is mad at me because I keep self-correcting my typos and it apparently doesn't appear drunk enough but I CANNOT HELP IT IT IS AN INSTINCTIVE AUTOMATIC THING FDKJLJFKLDJFLKDJSLFJDLSJFLDKSJFLKDJFKDSLHGDSLK
12:28 EFFIN LESTAT ALL THE WAY. At least I think so. Kim. WHO KNOWS WHAT SZOETHINKS SHE IS A WHORE HWO CALLED MY CAT UGLY. tina the cat is beautiful. write it down.
12:30 Kim is a fraud. Tina eats the hair off of her own ass.
12:33 OKAY MAYBE SO. She has like, a mike green mohawk because shelicks all of her ass fur off. theres a strip in the middle where she cant reach because shes too fat. i am not kidding. anwya lestat is the man. BUT REALLY IS NO ONE AMAZED BY THE VAMPIRE VS. MAX HOUSE? FUCK ALL OF YOU. IT IS AMAZING. we hate you fro not commenting aboutthe houses. it was a brilliant compairson, so do it. MAX HAS A FUGZ HOUSE we said it.
12:39 Pensblog Charlie is dispensing life advice at this point. There was something about a horse. We wondered what kind. Perhaps a pony? If only we could be so lucky. Kim is "too lazy" to correct any of her typos. Tina will never work on the runway. Not in this country, not in Europe, not anywhere. Qwerty probably won't either. They're both far, far too fat. Edward Cullen can't hold a candle to the adorableness of Eric. We want to fuck Eric. He's so cute. And I think he sleeps and won't rape us.
12:542: someone finally mentions sex and it is BELLA S FUCKING MOTHER. Mom knows best. she askes if they are being siafe. little does she know that they havent even kissed yet because this movie is not the soft core porn that i want it to be. omgomgomgomg. why haven't they kissed yet. srsly. if this were porn, i would be down for it, but it isn't so i am wondering why i am investing so much time into it. bellas mom wnts some halfhuman grandkids. i agree. me too. lets do this. ....sorry. this movie is so fuckinf boring i want to die. and drink more. so i will. CURRY BLESS YOU ALL, mmmmmmmfffffff. here's zoe.
12:45 Kim doesn't even know what time it is.
12:50 EDWARD AND BELLA FINALLY KISSED. FINALLY. AND IT WAS LIKE ALL TENSE AND SHIT AND HE TOLD HER NOT TO MOVE AND IT WAS, LIKE, SRSLY INTENSE OR SOME SHIT. Or whatever. We don't know. Edward apparently likes watching her sleep and that is pretty unreal. I don't know what to say about that at all. Will he tie her to the headboard like Petey would? What would Petey do? In this situation? WWPD?
12:56 Pensblog Charlie doesn't believe in baseball.
12:59 i would like to say that even when they attempt a bitchin vampire baseball montage, baseball is fucking lame as shitttttttttttttt. like, hockey is the most superior sport ever. cn you imagine VAMPIRE HOCKEY?!?!!?!?!?!?!??!?! i can't. i don't know why i said that. nothing has happened in this movie AT ALL. someone said something about the porn. can we liveblog twilight of virginity? we might. WE MIGHT. andy might leave because appaarently he can't hand;e THIS MUCH VAMP ACTION. here come some bad guys. this is unrealllll. why did we have this idea? i think we are just igging for excuses to drink when hockey isn't on. i realize how sad the universe is without hockey in it. i am depressed. does anyone know what cat disease would cause tina to lick off all of her fur? i am worried about her. google it. please. is she okay? where da hockey at? cat hockey? tina would be a star forward. quarty would be a fucking beched ass defenseman who never does shit because she's fat and worthless. APPARENTLY I DIDN'T SPELL THE CATS NAME RIGHT OKAY OMG IT IS QWERTY. whatevs. is it hockey yet?
1:08 The evil vampires are so fashionable and the fucking Cullens are in ghetto-ass baseball uniforms. What a bunch of fucking nerds. They're all virgins.
1:10 OH SNAP SOMEONE SMELLS BELLAFLESH MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
1:11 Kim is much more likely to fuck Edward now that he is driving a Jeep WRangler. They're taking the ferry to Vancouver or some shit. Will Roberto Luongo be there? Will he? Maybe they can catch a Canucks game?
1:19 if you are still reading this...you are an amazing human being. Or vampire? So much has happened. Not plot wise, lord knows. just in terms of amazingness. like...we don't actually remember what we were about to type. something amazing. we do not stalk max. mostly. we just know things. like vampires. and beautiful homes aroun pittsburgh. incuding his. he has a hot tub. take that to the bank and cash it. he has etched highball glasses. we're not going to say anymore. because we are SO MYSTERIOUS LIKE EDWARD CULLEN. okay, about petey...yes...sykora. we know...so little. and yet. so much. GET ON YOUR KNEES BITCH DON'T MAKE ME TELL YOU TWICE. we really hope no one is reading this right now. are you? we're so, so sorry. just think about cat hockey and tina's mike green asshawk.
1:25 Edward will do whatever it takes to make her safe. Do you realize how fucking irrational everyone is in this film? Like, her mom is awesome, her friends are awesome, cute Eric wanted to bang her in the backseat of his Buick after prom and ERIC IS FUCKING HOT OKAY and like. . .she blows everyone off to go to safe places with Edward and then the VAMPIRES ARE GOING TO EAT HER MOM AND IT'S ALL HER FUCKING FAULT. What a slut. What a cumguzzling whore. Bella, we are not friends. We don't want to be you. Tina's asshawk is more beautiful than your soul. Your soul is tainted.
Photo courtesy of Brando.
We knew it would come in handy.
BACK TO THE FILM
1:31 Bella is going to die to save her mother. We are not impress. They started the movie with these lines for some reason. I guess it's their way of being deep, like the Scarlet Caps website. Bella, if we smelled half as delicious as you do I bet we'd get laid far more often. Maybe we could fuck Eric.
1:34 zoe just learned a lesson in why soda that costs 55 cents costs that for a REASON. namely that it will explode when you least expect it to, like a freshman on prom night. tonight is our high school's prom night. we yearn for the days of proms and graduations, not the days of wondering what the hell twilight means. we don't understnad anything that is happening. nothing. we just do not know at all. do yous have any clue? i don't. zoe doesn't. it's like watching detroit beat the ducks in overtime. nothing is what we wanted it to be, and we just have so many questions. zetterberg may rock a slammin cardigan but like...hiller....you wanted us to go to prom with YOU. why didn't we say yes? we don't know, Bella is a dumb bitch. is this movie supposed to be what young girls want it to be? we disagree. we want hockey and probably some sex with sexy alexei. or maybe me? what? i'm druuuunk;.
1:40 utterfrivolity, that is the most important part of this post. It may be the most important thing we've ever posted on the Internet.
1:41 Okay, so, Edward is a lot less attractive when he is fighting for Bella's life. And why do they want her? And only her? Like, is she that fucking delicious? Everyone wants to eat her. Everyone. Like, aren't there any other edible bitches up in this piece? And why is there fire? And why is Bella writhing on the ground? Are they going to make her a vampire now? IS SHE FUCKING DELICIOUS OR WHAT
1:45 Now trying to figure out if bitch is a vampire or not. Her mom is awesome and she keeps blowing her off. What an ungrateful slut. If Petey were her dad she wouldn't be allowed out of the house.
1:51 We think it's almost over. We don't know what to do. Bella wore chucks and her broken-leg boot thing to prom because she's a fucking genius. Edward looks kinda hot. Like, we would get with that. Jacob is telling Bella to break up with Edward because the WEREWOLVES ARE WATCHING AND THEY DO NOT FUCKING APPROVE. This film, it is divine. How many Oscars is it going to win? Eight? Ten? All?
1:56 How weird is it that we were talking about our schhool's prom all effin day and didn't know this movie was so prom-centric?! We are baffled. We both want to do edward right now, but that has nothing to do with personality....because he has none. anyway...what? Bella is saying that she is dying and she gets closer every second. Venom or something? Why didn't we just watch Bill and Ted's excellent Adventure? We feel that the plots are similar. This is the best movie since Titanic. This is the best thing on our screen since...game five. WE SAID IT, MAF'S TOE SAVE TRANSLATES INTO BLINGEE VAMPIRES. They have only kissed once. That is so annoying. not enough dick. This is so unsatisfying. Like...the powerplay most of the season. Or the San Jose Sharks in the playoffs. Or Fuzzy Mike telling us he'd try to sweep the wings for us (we forgive you, fuzzy mike, just saying.) Like the Coyotes without Bryzgalov. Like...we don't even know. We're putting it back on to see if they kiss again. If they don't, we're going to my house to watch asshawk play with toy mice for the rest of the night.
2:05 Okay so. Edward kissed Bella's neck in some gorgeous lit-up gazebo at prom and it was totally unrealistic how much privacy they had in this fucking gazebo but it was HOTTTTTT okay? And like. . .then there was some bitch up in a window. And then the film rolled credits after TURNING THE COLOR TO BLACK AND WHITE. AND NOW WE SEE. AWESOME IMAGES. LIKE EDWARD'S EYES. and wolves. running packs of wolves. This is SOOOO UNREAL. It's as unreal as if we just walked into Ed Hardy and were told to buy everything in sight. Like Ktang shirts. Like. . .really? REALLY? This movie is the intellectual equivalent of Steve Madden pumps.
2:21 okay. so. I guess somewhere along the lines you guys stopped reading the liveblog and started talking amongst yourselves, which is great. Think about everything you have learned. Tonight has been a night for the ages. We know it, we just lived it. If you want proof, just read everything written above. And get yourself some $0.55 Faygo Redpop at Giant Eagle and get someone's brother to buy you $16 Smirnoff and move into an attic where the roof is falling apart and watch twilight on your laptop. Or just go to Talbot's house. It's the same goddamn thing.
He has a hot tub. Or so we hear. From vastly unreliable sources. Or perhaps the most reliable. We don't know.
Apologies to the Talbot estate for defamation.
We will reimburse you.
We will post a picture of Tina's asshawk tomorrow. Just so you know that we're not shitting you. We'll also post a picture of Qwerty. You can be the judge of who is more beautiful. Be Tyra, if you will.
We are so, so, so, so sorry for everything that just happened.
Friday, May 15, 2009
We'll be starting the Twilight liveblog here in a little bit.