Here are some things we want to remind you of:
1.) Bounces are the worst thing in hockey when they don't go your way, and the best when they do. It's one of many reasons to love the game. Its unpredictability, its momentum shifts. There's a short turnaround period for the next game. Someone will benefit. We like to think that it'll be us.
2.) We're winning tomorrow.
3.) Everyone on that entire team is a fucking turd.
4.) Osgood is the fattest turd.
5.) Oh, did we mention that we're winning?
If they stop getting ridic bounces and we start finishing, this series is going to be a crazily even-matched six or seven games of terror.
Our executive decision for the Stanley Cup Finals is that we're not doing any more awards shows.
They're playing for something else now. Our awards are totally meaningless in the face of the Stanley Cup Final.
Instead, we're going to do our best to amuse, entertain, and provide perspective for you.
What better way than with the glories of math?
(Stay with us here.)
We stole this idea from bwe.tv because we don't get paid to do this shit.
DELICIOUS APPLE TURNOVER
SOME BEARDED GREMLIN
DETROIT'S FIRST GOAL
ALL OF KIM'S SEXUAL FANTASIES (minus Hal Gill)
BROOKSIE'S HIT ON MARIAN HOSSA
HYDRALICIOUS BY HERBAL ESSENCES
THE LAUNCHING OF SPUTNIK 1
RUSLAN'S SEX GOAL, ASSISTED BY MALKS
JOE LOUIS ARENA A FUCKING BOUNCY CASTLE
SOME KIDS DOING SPEED IN THE SHEETZ PARKING LOT
THEIR TRICKED OUT DODGE NEONS WITH TRUNKS FULL OF FAYGO
FURTHER GOALS, BY SOME OLD GINGER AND A KITTEN NO ONE CARES ABOUT
THE EXXON VALDEZ
YOUR ZOË'S DREAMS OF MAX BEING A HERO
DETROIT FAILING AT THE EMPTY NET 580458435794 TIMES BUT WINNING ANYWAY
STILL BETTER THAN LAST YEAR
IT'S CALLED A BEST OF SEVEN, DIPSHITS
In conclusion, we'd like to leave you with the best moment of the game (save for the fact that no one buried it):
IT'S STUCK IN MY BLOWHOLE OH NOESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Also, a Blingee for your troubles:
(here's the original image in case you needed it)
Game tomorrow. Seriously. In like. . .eighteen hours.
Hope the boys sleep more than we do.
Saturday, May 30, 2009