Saturday, May 30, 2009

on the wrong boat

Blahblahblah.

Here are some things we want to remind you of:
1.) Bounces are the worst thing in hockey when they don't go your way, and the best when they do. It's one of many reasons to love the game. Its unpredictability, its momentum shifts. There's a short turnaround period for the next game. Someone will benefit. We like to think that it'll be us.
2.) We're winning tomorrow.
3.) Everyone on that entire team is a fucking turd.
4.) Osgood is the fattest turd.
5.) Oh, did we mention that we're winning?

If they stop getting ridic bounces and we start finishing, this series is going to be a crazily even-matched six or seven games of terror.

Our executive decision for the Stanley Cup Finals is that we're not doing any more awards shows.
They're playing for something else now. Our awards are totally meaningless in the face of the Stanley Cup Final.
Instead, we're going to do our best to amuse, entertain, and provide perspective for you.
What better way than with the glories of math?
(Stay with us here.)
We stole this idea from bwe.tv because we don't get paid to do this shit.

DELICIOUS APPLE TURNOVER
÷
JOY
+
SOME BEARDED GREMLIN
×
SIR MIX-A-LOT
=
DETROIT'S FIRST GOAL

BIRTHDAYS
+
CHRISTMAS
+
ALL OF KIM'S SEXUAL FANTASIES (minus Hal Gill)
=
BROOKSIE'S HIT ON MARIAN HOSSA

HYDRALICIOUS BY HERBAL ESSENCES
×
THE LAUNCHING OF SPUTNIK 1
×
FAT
=
RUSLAN'S SEX GOAL, ASSISTED BY MALKS

JOE LOUIS ARENA A FUCKING BOUNCY CASTLE
÷
SOME KIDS DOING SPEED IN THE SHEETZ PARKING LOT

THEIR TRICKED OUT DODGE NEONS WITH TRUNKS FULL OF FAYGO
=
FURTHER GOALS, BY SOME OLD GINGER AND A KITTEN NO ONE CARES ABOUT

THE EXXON VALDEZ

ALL YOUR ZOË'S DREAMS OF MAX BEING A HERO
=
DETROIT FAILING AT THE EMPTY NET 580458435794 TIMES BUT WINNING ANYWAY

PENS LOSE
3-1
STILL BETTER THAN LAST YEAR
IT'S CALLED A BEST OF SEVEN, DIPSHITS

In conclusion, we'd like to leave you with the best moment of the game (save for the fact that no one buried it):
IT'S STUCK IN MY BLOWHOLE OH NOESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Also, a Blingee for your troubles:

(here's the original image in case you needed it)

Game tomorrow. Seriously. In like. . .eighteen hours.
Hope the boys sleep more than we do.

GO PENS.

22 comments:

MadMax84 said...

PH, I really wish you had been my math teachers in high school. I would've killed.

Game 2=Do It. That's all there is to say about that. Pens Version 2.0 is looking much better in Game 1 '09 than '08, in my opinion. I'm bucklin' up for a series.

Would anyone care to join me in an "active stick" drinking game? Because I need another reason besides homicidal mania to be blowing past these whiskey creams every time Penishead McGuire praises one of the gingers' "active sticks." Methinks it's code for "Bang me behind Joe Louis Arena after the game, boys."

Moments like the puck kamikaze-ing onto Osgood's back fat make me happy I'm a PH reader. I immediately guffawed, thought of PH, guffawed some more, and then flipped out that Zetterberg cupped it with his hand. Live puck, bitches. Really wish Max or Sid could've tee'ed off on that fucker.

Boards at the Joe=Pinball. And way to wax eloquent on that beast of hockeyness, the good bounce/bad bounce. Indeed.

Brooks and Sid's hits tonight=Hint of Lime good (if I may be so bold).

Another game in like, ten hours? Color me excited.

Kat said...

I seriously LOL'ed for like 5 minutes at the faygo reference..oh, late 90's....

Pensational said...

The boys were flat. I was not expecting that. I was expecting Crosby and Malkin to take over the world, with a good helping of secondary scoring. But I'm also not worried. As much as I hate the Red Wings, they are a good defensive team. Something we hadn't really seen thus far. Good offensive team too, but they didn't have much going on tonight, which is encouraging (damn bounces). The Pens didn't go through the last three series without learning something. Tomorrow will be better. We are winning.

Annie S said...

Holy fuck. First of all, I'm taking that picture of Brooksie to bed with me. Sweet jeebus, what a man.

Secondly, I'm all for an Active Stick drinking game. He must have used the phrase ten times. Also, that puck landing on Elroy's back made me remember Edzo going fucking insane: "DID YOU SEE THAT WHEN HE FELT THE PUCK ON HIS BACK HE TURNED AWAY FROM THE NET NOT TOWARDS IT!!! SEE LOOK AT THAT HE ROLLED AWAY!!!

Thirdly, I'm liking this new form of recap. And I ain't worried. This less-than-24-hours-between-games thing benefits us more than them. They'll bring it tomorrow. How long has it been since MAF had two soff games in a row?

Also, Kim and Zoe, check your email plz. :D

Allison's Mouth Full of Tang said...

Joly fuck... Not sure hats going on with yinz, buts last times I chscked, tuis shit I'd a 7 game series. I mightme really ficked up, bit I knows my hockleyu hsits. Img. So drunkin penn station, alone at 330 am. Sooooooo. Bad. Oh welll... Sorrow shots of whikpskey tonight, so for motivation tomorrow for the win whichs we goona get. Woooooo go penguingggggggggg sssssss

Aubrey said...

@Annie - No one could survive an "active sticks" drinking game!

Did anyone understand what Olcyzk was saying about the "invisible cylinder" that kept a penalty shot from being awarded?

Allison's Mouth Full of Tang said...

omg
THAT APPLES TURNOVER LOKE EXACTLY LIKE THGRILLED CHEESE I ATE AT 7 AM THE DAY I WALKEDS YOU INTO THE CITY ZOE!!!!!!!! LIKE, THAT MIGHT JUST BE THE PICTURE AHHHHHHH... APPLES AND GRILLED CHEESE.

LETS JSUT AY I THINK WE SHOUL D SEVERLY POISEN THE SUPPLY OF DETROIT BANANNAS FOR THAT FAT FAT FAT FUCK OSGOOD.
AND LIKE omg SCREEN SHOT OF MAX POINTING AT OUT SOULD THAT I TOOK SO LONG AGO!!!!!!! I REALLY THINK THAT THE DIFFERENCE IN THIS SERIES WIL COME DOWN TO THAT VERY MAN.

Allison's Mouth Full of Tang said...

omg. the fact that i am home alove in one peice, able to log in, able to fucking html in bold, i thihnik i want to hug myself. alnd, i have no idea why thats in all capss at allool

debrisslide said...

Pensational--while mistakes were made and some shitty things happened, I think "flat" is the last word that comes to mind when thinking about last night's game. It was a solid, all-out effort and that's what you need to beat Detroit. Their defense isn't going to let Sid and Geno run wild and it would be crazy to think so. Surely we can expect great things from them that we didn't see last night, but "flat"? Seriously? C'mon.

crmzak said...

@Allison, you need to adopt the buddy system right quick.

@MadMax, "tee'ed off on that fucker" haha And Elroy's backfat? FTew.

Thank you for the photos, PH. I'm feeling a little brain dead after that loss. Red Wings hockey makes me stupid.

It's kinda like how whenever I'm at a casino, it's supposed to be all FUN! and CRAZY! and EXCITING X-TREME NIGHTLIFE! But, honestly, the constant hum of all those stupid machines and their lame-ass bells-n-whistles just lull me to sleep.

People are calling out our D. However, I don't recall one "oh shit" moment where they really had time to set up. There was what, like one or two tic-tack moments? And I don't think I ever had to yell "knock him on his ass!" to one of our d-men cuz someone was in our crease. Ok, maybe once.

Did anyone else think Osgood was on the verge of saying, "Yeah. I'm kind of a big deal." during his interview? What a prick.

crmzak said...

Bad bounces, turnovers, mishandles... YES. But, I don't think I would refer them as flat.

Although I suppose standing next to Osgood and his blubbery man tits all night could make it seeeem like our boys couldn't fill out an A cup.

If that's the case, prepare to get slapped in the face with their augmentation tonight.

Candy Man Fan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Candy Man Fan said...

not worried after last night's game. our boys can do it.

what I am concerned about, however, is finding more pictures and/or a video of Brooks from media day. God damn. someone plz help a girl out

Kimberlass said...

We capped it from his media day video. The Pens website didn't post it, it was only on NHL tv.

It's here.Also, for some reason the Pens tv doesn't always post his gamedays on the front page with the others. I think they have something against him. So every once in a while, just go there and search "Brooks Orpik" to see if they are trying to keep secrets from you. His best off-day ever was never posted on the front page a month or so ago. I shudder to think I could have missed it.

Julia said...

we are going to do this i know we will osgood=fat ass, the beached whale pic made my day, I love this blog it is because of you ladies that i am not crying over this lost.

Julia said...

we are going to do this i know we will osgood=fat ass, the beached whale pic made my day, I love this blog it is because of you ladies that i am not crying over this lost.

Pensational said...

I disagree and stand by my comment that the boys were flat. I didn't see the same fire that I saw against Washington or Carolina. Especially in the first, they were really tentative. I recognize that Detroit's defence is an entire level above Carolina's, but I just didn't see the same speed and aggressive play.

Like I said though, they will win tonight.

MadMax84 said...

@crmzak: I completely agree with you on the Pens' defense. The only time I cringed visibly for our D was Gill's non-clear that lead to the first horrible pinball goal off MAF. If we don't outlet soff passes against these guys, it'll be grand.

(@ Zoe, Pensational) : But _ and this is not being a homer and a PH suck-up, as far as I can tell, I truly believe this _ the boys didn't look flat. They looked stifled. Big difference, in my book. They had some great chances, and the lines all looked good (although I'm a wee bit nervous about Disco pulling a Therrien with the shuffling). The Red Wings just did what they do best: clamped down like an anaconda and squeezed. Or, if that mental image doesn't work, Osgood got the Pens between his big, porker thighs, and squeezed.

@Kim: PensTV is normally my savior. But to hear of embargoed Brooks vids like the one you capped makes my heart sink. To war! ... Or NHL.com.

AmyB said...

Do I dazzle you?

Candy Man Fan said...

Kim, you are my hero. that video is made of amazingness. Brooks, pass out some free candy tonight and call me when you get back to Pittsburgh if you're up for a passion-filled rendezvous

Candy Man Fan said...

my inspiration thrown out into the universe...hate for Osgood and love for Ruuuuslaaan at the same time.

less than an hour til game time...do it boys!!

JSt11 said...

@MadMax84, I agree that stifled is the best word for last night. It's what Detroit does best. Defense wins games, offense sells tickets. Just ask Washington. There's a team that relied solely on offense all season. It's gonna be hard, but the Pens can do it. I also agree that the Pens defense was not that bad. The Pens had more shots on goal than Detroit.

With all of the verbal fellatio on Osgood last year, I thought Detroit's defense was better. He was 3 for 4 in the 3rd period when Mad Max tied it up in game 5.

Let's go Pens, 2 more periods. DO IT.

 
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