Thursday, May 28, 2009

a note to the readership.

There are certain subjects that Zoë kindly asks me to avoid from time to time. If not avoid, then at least calm down a little and put my switchblade away before anyone gets too seriously injured. Sometimes my love of Jeff Taffe gets out of hand. My hate of Kočí. My feelings on the AHL, especially when drunk. And, of course, my hate of the Red Wings. However, this is not any other day. This is not any other series. This is one of the only times of the year that Zoë will allow me to roam the streets screaming, wielding that switchblade, innocent passersby be damned.

But before we start that, an important word on the state of affairs here at PH.
From here on out, our recaps will be a combined effort.
Usually we alternate, one of us writing diligently into the night while the other watches cartoons and occasionally says something worthwhile for the other to include.
Fun fact: as a general rule of tradition established by our laziness by the end of the post, the person not writing the recap tends to do the "Alternative Three Stars" awards.
Anyway, you needn't worry that our collaboration will change anything, as we've written a few things together and they turned out okay. Think Bill Guerin's Cobra Scorpian Whiskey Adventure and The Staal Brothers Drinking Game. Combined, we tend to be deadly. (If only through alcohol poisoning...)

Considering this, however, we decided that we need to include something of a series disclaimer.
It resides below this bolded text.
We hate the Wings. Vehemently. We're talking some ugly, claws out, mud slinging, no-sportsmanship-esque-respect, all out bitchy hate. Sometimes we try to suppress it for the sake of, well, sportsmanship. But we don't always succeed.
Let me be more specific.
I don't always succeed. Zoë's pretty good at staying level-headed.

We know that some of you can *cough* *gag* *cough* *ugh* TOLERATE the Wings. Because we can't imagine anyone doing anything other than 'tolerating' them. So, Wings fans, Pens fans who respect *cough* the Wings, anyone who doesn't think it'd be worth it to get convicted of a felony in the name of hockey and all that is holy at the expense of the Wings, this goes out to you: We are not going to be rational. We are not going to be unbiased in any way, shape, or form. We are going to be mean, terrible, awful people. You have every right to tell us we're wrong about something.
But to save you some time, we won't agree. And our minds won't be swayed.

So, in the coming days, please remember this.
We are about to become monsters.
We love you all, and we'll see you on the other side when this is all over.

If you get too mad, just remember how cute we are.

So, in the next few days we'll have a lot to say.
Some examples:
Everyone on the Wings is an old ginger. Seriously, they all look the same, it's like a fucking cult. If they're not old and ginger they have creepy, gremlinesque beards. And Chris Osgood is fat. And not the Rick Nash good fat. Not even Fatty Hartnell bad fat. Like...his own breed of horrid fat.

Just saying.

Anyway, this is essentially every sports movie ever written. I mean, this is the Ducks versus the Hawks, Iceland, and Varsity combined. If ever there were a story of Heart vs. pure, Curry-less evil, it is this.

Do Wings fans realize that they're rooting for Darth Vader in the face of Luke Skywalker? They're pulling for Sauron, Malvolio, Scar, the 1980 Soviet Union Olympic team? How do they sleep at night knowing that their only function in life is to destroy the hopes and dreams of those that are more deserving of the win, if only because they actually care? We have a theory that Wings fans and players both couldn't give a shit less about hockey, they only care about winning. Watch a game. It makes sense.

Luckily for the Pens, we have more than heart this year. We have the skill to back it up. And like the Ducks, once we get that down, we're taking them all down.

But really, that's all we've got for today.
Every day until Saturday is worthless.
But the time is coming.

Go Pens.
Finish it.


FDeuce said...

im down, dish it out. hard. hate runs deep.

AmyB said...

Hahhaahahahh. I am, ashamedly, somewhat of a Red Wang tolerater, sometimes, but not when the Pens are playing them. Bring on the hate.

Everyone on the wings is an old ginger. Seriously, they all look the same, it's like a fucking cult. If they're not old and ginger they have creepy, gremlinesque beards. And Chris Osgood is fat. And not the Rick Nash good fat. Not even Fatty Hartnell bad fat. Like...his own breed of horrid fat.

Pure fucking gold.

Aubrey said...

I am in tears! I tried to choose just one hilarious thing that got me this way, but I can't!

My sister is a Red Wings fan and Mom says I have to tone it down a bit and at least pretend to like her, so I'm glad I can drop in here to indulge my utter loathing of the D-bag Wings.

TheRangersFan said...

I think I transform my toleration of the Red Wings into pure hatred for 4-7 games. Plus, I would rather die than root for a team that in anyway resembles the 1980 Soviet Union team. I am extremely pumped for this series. Go Pens!

Annie S said...

I can't see how anyone can even tolerate the Wings. I've tried to like and respect certain players individually, but I just can't. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that I hate them more than the Flyers, and that's saying something. Someone needs to rescue Conks from there ASAP, as he's pretty much the only one I wouldn't murder in a dark alley.*

*For those who can't tell, that last sentence was tongue-in-cheek. Chill out.

Remember how well Hate worked earlier in the season when we were losing games? Now's a good time to bring that shit back.

Things are going to get epic real real soon. This is going to be legendary.

rach the h said...

Anyway, this is essentially every sports movie ever written. I mean, this is the Ducks versus the Hawks, Iceland, and Varsity combined.Legendary, indeed. That last line is fucking perfection. It's on.

rach the h said...

...and there WAS a whole line of space there after the quoted part. Thanks, Blogger.

MadMax84 said...

Epic. Seriously epic. And combined posts? Dude. DUDE.

Way to put eloquently what for me always comes out as "no fun" *expletive* "zetterberg=child toucher" *expletive* *EXPLETIVE* "OSGOOD" *EXPLETIVE* Truly, the only peeps on that team I don't hate passionately are Lidstrom (I just kinda sorta hate him) and Conklin (being a former Pen and all). Holstrom makes my internal organs bleed in places they're not supposed to.

Greying gingers should be the name of that team. Or the new name of their mascot. Or they should throw a greying ginger out on the ice every game, instead of an octopus. Brilliance. And I agree with tPb: Pens fans need to find something quick to throw on the Joe ice. Starfish? Squid? Giant squid?
This series is on like Donkey Kong. I've been playing a two-song playlist on repeat consisting of "Saturday Night" by the Bay City Rollers and "Saturday Night's Alright For Fighting" by Elton John. Anyone else have any kickass Saturday songs?

Oh, and this video has been getting me pumped for the series, for some reason. Not any of the inspirational vids, mind you. No, just Gary Roberts punching Franzen in the head. LOVE IT. Reading the comments in that video make me think we could power this country on the alternative energy that is the Wings-Pens fans' hatred of each other. DO IT.

mer said...

It's gonna get ugly. And we're just the viewers...

Kat said...

"Everyone on the Wings is an old ginger. Seriously, they all look the same, it's like a fucking cult."

DUDE. I'm saying....

wmh said...

Yes! Double-posts about hating the Red Wings! My life has just begun...

Ashley said...

Say all you want about the Wings, because guess what? I HATE 'EM! Then again, I hate a lot of teams.

And some time before tomorrow I expect a Blingee video of the Carolina series :)

AmyB said...

@MadMax84: Thanks for reminding everyone of that. That was lovely to watch.

25superstar said...

And Chris Osgood is fat. And not the Rick Nash good fat. Not even Fatty Hartnell bad fat. Like...his own breed of horrid fat.i love you. so much.

yay for no inhabitions in the name of civility. love is a battleground, but love is a war zone: LET'S GO PENS!

utterfrivolity said...

If I have the time and energy to read and get upset at your playoff posts, I will consider it a win. I'm in a parking lot right now, trying to schedule business trips around the playoff games. If it goes to Game 7, I'm going to have to find some way to tell my organization that I can't attend the portion of my training that takes place that night. As the training is across the country, "conflict with family plans" isn't going to fly.

Simona said...

GINGERS. Ahahahah brilliant.

The way the Red Wings play makes me want to hate hockey. Thus, I hate the Red Wings.

Tomorrow night seems so far away.

JSt11 said...

The picture of the penguins reminded me of FU Penguin. I love that blog. I read it at work when I'm waiting for computer programming shit to run.

@MadMax84, as soon as I saw "Gary Roberts punches" in the title, I was pumped to watch it.

@Annie, LOL at the * comment. Watch out.

Ticketmaster sucks ass. I tried to get tickets by obsessively hitting refresh, and I still wasn't quick enough. Tickets sold out by before 10:01 AM. Tickets on Ticket Exchange are going for $500 or more. Epic ass suckage. Probably going to the big screen for the games or trying to nab a last minute ticket.

JSt11 said...

30 Dicks article. He even attended DICKinson High School. Sorry about the bad joke, I couldn't help it. he was an honor student. AND he was good enough to play pro baseball apparently. Hockey and baseball, my 2 favorite sports =) He's like my fucking idol.

JSt11 said...

30 Dicks was a math major too. I love this man.

MadMax84 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
MadMax84 said...

Argh, first comment was wonky. Let's try that again:

@AmyB, JSt11: One of the shames of not having a Chi-Pitt final is not being able to show Gary Roberts' beatdown of Ben Eager, when Eager was on the Flyers. But yeah, that Franzen video does just nicely.

@JSt11: Our blue line makes me want to cry, they are so awesome. Hal Gill, Robert Scuderi/American Hero, Mark Eaton, Tanger (whose Game 4 against Carolina I thought was one of his best this postseason), Gonch, Brooks and Boucher=Dyn-OH-mite.

@utterfrivolity: Before it gets ugly, I want to reiterate that I admire both your fandom and your restraint on this commentblog. It is impressive and something to look up to. Here's hoping the tkts situation works out.
Oh, and your team is a bunch of lame gingers. :)

Carol said...

ever notice the truly eerie resemblance between the wings and the soviet hockey team? think about it: ruthless automatons that suck the fun out hockey... wearing bright red... completely evil...


utterfrivolity said...

Flights booked around games. Fucking off and refusing to do more work until tomorrow morning. Life is good.

I'm marrying a ginger kid, btw. Coincidence, or a frightening extension of my fandom? God only knows. Well, and my subconscious, I guess.

AmyB, I owe you some videos. I will get around to it, not least because I'll enjoy watching them myself.

Julia said...

"And Chris Osgood is fat. And not the Rick Nash good fat. Not even Fatty Hartnell bad fat. Like...his own breed of horrid fat."

best freaking line ever....screw red wings i am soo over all of them esp. osgood......can't wait.

Angie said...

I can't believe after all the Wings hating nobody mentioned that fucking traitor Hossa. If for no other reason (and there are PLENTY), win one to rub it in his fair weather face!!!

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