Tuesday, May 26, 2009

a new day.

In the face of what is coming, it's hard to talk about what just happened. It's been looming for a while now, but we all just barely trusted ourselves to hope. We can say it now, though. The Penguins are going to the Stanley Cup Finals for the second year in a row. It took us until the very moment that the clock hit 00:00 to remember this feeling. Memory can't do things like this justice.

We don't know who we're facing yet.
Don't look at me like that, we don't.
It isn't over yet in the west. So we're not going to talk about it yet. We'll handle it when it comes.

We have plenty of time to talk about all of that, though. More time than any of us would have expected. Really, who saw this coming? The Canes were supposed to put up a fight. We were expecting a lot from them. We had planned on posting pictures of us burning our Cam Ward hockey cards after every loss...but our collections are still suspiciously large.

We can't complain, only shake our heads in wonder.
The end of the award shows are near, boys.
Only seven possible games left.
Do it.

CELEBRATION OF THE END OF AN ERA
Not even two minutes into the game Eric Staal realizes that while his lack of production has been giving Canes fans plenty to drink over, he was failing to give Penguins fans enough reasons to drink. He makes up for it by putting one behind Fleury.

The word "brothers" pokes its head out from the cave it has been hiding in.
Knowing precisely what was about to happen, you dig around in your cabinet for that dusty bottle of Jack. It tastes like broken furniture and bonfires. You're not concerned about the lead
This is about to get good.
Carolina fans enroll themselves in a 12-step program. They feel a wind of change.

MOMENT THE SOUP KITCHEN LET OUT AND ALLOWED A VAGRANT TO BANK AN ASSIST
Ruslan tips one in with the help of Boucher and that one other guy who looks kind of homeless for the tie up.

Said homeless guy was quoted as saying:
"I don't care how ugly or how hairy or how greasy I am. It's the playoffs. You have a reason to do it."

We'd like to point out the obvious misinformation that is the implication that he behaves any differently when it isn't the playoffs. We love you, Max. Just the way you are.

You're feeling pretty solid now that the Pens have stopped frolicking around Fleury seeming like they didn't have a care in the world and have moved on to actually making things happen.
Wait?
What was that?
BOTH STAALS ARE ON THE ICE?
Things are kind of awesome.

Malkin gets shown to the penalty box because he tries to grab LaRose's hand to guide him through this difficult time in his life. The refs are unsympathetic to LaRose's situation. Canes vomit.

OH GOD WHOSE BRIGHT IDEA WAS THIS
Before the period ends, Talbot buries the most absurd shot to ever happen.
Cam Ward was on acid, and not the good kind.
The puck spoke to him as it flew towards him.
ELLO, I CAN HAS ZEE NET? MERCI LOLOLOLOL
He formed a complex conspiracy theory on Marc-Andre brainwashing the pucks before each game, which he forgot as soon as he felt the gentle breeze of the puck sailing past his face.
Talbot walks into the lockerroom for intermission with a distinct pimp strut.
He stops at Crosby.

"Hey Captain, how many goals did you get in that period?"
"..."
"Yeah, that was a pretty sweet pair of points you logged."
"..."
"Oh, what? Oh, I guess that WAS me. Sorry, I got a little confused."
"..."
"Don't worry, when you're 25 you'll understand how I did it."

No one will ever hear the end of it. Ever.

The period ends with us leading.
Dare we even think it?
No...not yet.
But maybe that wind of change the Canes felt was really just the harsh wind of sobriety.

Malkin takes another penalty. You're surprisingly unconcerned heading into intermission. You wonder what is happening to you.

VERSUS' BEST ATTEMPTS AT GIVING YOU CIRRHOSIS

The beginning of the second period is a shit show. Not on Versus, not on the ice, but in your living room.
The drinking game is back with a vengeance.
Linda and Henry are mentioned.
Both Staals on the ice.
Compared at length, by anyone's standards.
Mentions of Marc Staal.
The sod farm

The only thing left out was Fat Jared. But he'll find his way into the shot-fest soon. If not, at least the Staals know who to eat first if it's a particularly harsh winter in the wilds of Thunder Bay.

MOST GRATEFUL
Guerin absolutely stuns Cam Ward with this shot, making the lead 3-1.

Billy will tell us a hundred times a day how happy he is to be here, but even still, we think we're just as pleased to have him as he is to be here.

Everyone is trying not to think "nail in the coffin." Talbot it just praying they don't score again so he can boast the GWG. But with nearly a period and a half of play left yet, we're thinking it won't be an issue. Right? ...RIGHT?!

MOMENT VERSUS MADE EVEN US SMILE
Versus spends a good three minutes talking about how Robert "American Hero, Virtuous Human Being, Husband of Courtney, Man of the Year" Scuderi is 'grossly underrated', he is compared to Lidstrom. He is said to "always be in the right place."

Can someone please alert the press? No photos of him in this series really even happened. Rob Scuderi should be followed by paparazzi twenty-four hours a day, just so that American citizens can model their lives to be more like his.

The third period comes with little hassle.
Victory...is that you?
Shhh, don't be too loud, my parents might hear you.
Just hang on, they're going to bed soon.


MOMENT YOU REALIZED YOU WERE ROOTING FOR A MONSTER

The third period spends a lot of time in the Pens defensive zone. At first you are considering being nervous about all of that puck movement around Fleury, but then a sense of calm washes over you. You hardly care when LaRose douches Staal, leading to a 5 on 3 that we failboat. The Pens pick up the pieces faster than LaRose can get us to run screaming from a dark alley.

After that, the Penguins look like a pack of velociraptors. They aren't letting anything happen, and in between shutting everything down, they are jumping forward with some swift offensive chances. You're just going with it. You hardly even know what is happening.
The transformation, it has commenced.

You are just cheering like usual when you are stopped in your tracks by something small. A TV time out. A stoppage of play. Your cat puking on the carpet. And you have that moment to think it over...

Curry. At some point the pieces snapped into place. Chad LaRose poured oil all over our gears. Sensually. We are a machine.

If the Canes thought hope existed for a comeback, Crosby killed it when he handed Craig Adams the puck for an empty net.

Game.
Series
Eastern Conference Playoffs.

PENS 4 CANES 1
Sweeeeeeeeeep.



INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

BEST PIMP SLAP TO HISTORY

Mario touched the ECF trophy both years they won the Cup.
It's like saying TO HELL WITH LUCK, I GOT SKILLZ.
We support the touching, caressing, and dick-rubbing of the Prince of Wales trophy. Do whatever you want, you earned that shit. Show it who's boss.
A photo for the ages.

PHOTOGRAPH THAT LEAST DESCRIBES THIS SERIES BUT IS TOO HILARIOUS NOT TO INCLUDE
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS

1. Max Talbot-
"Hey, Sid, that was an awesome GWG. And, hey, Geno. Nice +2. Oh...wait...wait...am I looking at the game summary right? Sorry, this grid hurts my eyes sometimes. Marc, will you come tell me if this column is Sid or Geno's? What? MINE?!"

UPDATE.

Sidney Crosby: "..."
I AGREE WITH SID.
Zoe is crying.
This video ruined our night.

2. Bobby Scuds- Finally getting the much-deserved recognition.

3. The Staal Family-
For everything.

There's so much to talk about.
There's so much to think about.
But we can't do it all right now. It's coming.
But tonight, let's bask in the glory of all we've done.
Four months ago the world was talking about draft picks.

We've never been at a loss for hope.
Let's keep it coming.

It's been real, East.

Go Pens.


28 comments:

x_materialize_x said...

"ELLO, I CAN HAS ZEE NET? MERCI LOLOLOLOL"

Jesus christ I lol'd so hard at that.

I have class tomorrow but there's no fucking way I'll be getting to sleep any time soon.

PS: WOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Simona said...

First, the French-Canadian puck thing made me laugh for a solid two minutes. Second, when Beninati started praising Scuds, I seriously started yelling, "FUCKING RIGHT" at the TV. And like you guys said, if Bing and the team want to touch the trophy, they'll touch the fucking trophy.

Plus, what a gentleman Bing is, letting Adams get the ENG. Just. What a team. Fucking incredible.

Also, when Godzilla Boy scored his goal and they showed his smug little face on the screen, I screamed, "THAT'S THE ONLY ONE YOU GET". Wooooo.

Allison's Mouth Full of Tang said...

OH MY GOD MAX WHAT A DICK!!!! I LOVE HIM SO MUCH (not as muuch as zoe)

WOOOOOO can't even read the whole post right now, I have lots of post game videos to watch, and I need to go watch Sidney Crosby caress the Prince of Whales one more time!!!

GingerSnap said...

Stellar. The one word to describe everything that has happened tonight.

And I still swear I heard Godzilla during the game. I even turned to the other people in the living room and said "GODZILLA SHOWED UP TONIGHT!"

Jesus, I love this team. GO PENS!

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Allison's Mouth Full of Tang said...

*Wales haha

wrap around curl said...

Max Tal is like the Michael Scott of the NHL.

nu said...

tonight the world is beautiful.

The Finals patch this year.....?Not quite so much, amirite?

ANovak017 said...

Simona: you calling Sid, Bing just makes me feel like I'm back at home instead of laying in my bed in my dorm room because my brother consistently refers to him as such and it rubs off from time to time and I catch myself calling him that. Thank you.

Epic post. Epic game. Love them. 4 more. Do it.

Chubs said...

We'd like to point out the obvious misinformation that is the implication that he behaves any differently when it isn't the playoffs.Nah, he just said that there was a reason for it in the playoffs. He just does it for the hell of it in the regular season.

Aubrey said...

Am I the only person in the whole world that is against the PoW trophy touching?

Annie S said...

Regarding that epic pic of all of them heading off to the dressing room w/ the trophy: The expression on Sid's face makes it seem like they are all taking it away to make sweet, sweeet love to it, and no one else but the players and DILFsma are invited. He's all like, "No, the rest of you can't come. Wait fifteen minutes until we're done."

This might be my favorite PH recap ever. The epicness of this whole thing has only just begun. You two, like our team, are on top of your fucking game. Brava.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to spend hours gazing at pics from daylife, yahoo, getty, etc. and basking in post-game videos.

Let's cherish this tonight. The hardest part is still yet to come.

Oh yeah, and I adore Max and his bastardy. What a stone-cold pimp.

Pens_Addict said...

Loved it!
That pic that meant nothing, but had to be shown... HILARIOUS!

I have a question though, did anyone else think that TK and Max kissed after Guerin's goal?!?! They were sitting on the bench and then they were hugging, and Adams was all over Max's back... and it looked a little questionable to me! I mean, I'm not judging, but bromances seem to run high with our men*

Max really did have a great game!

Four more wins to the Cup... This is what we've all been cheering so hard for right?

Pensational said...

I am so happy.

However, I won't lie awake tonight reliving the glory of this game. Instead, I will lie awake contemplating the same thing I contemplated last night, the night before that, and the night before that: how the hell did that carrot girl end up beside the Malkins in game two? This is seriously what I think about. Does anybody know?

I like Pillow Lips Staal and feel bad for the guy. I also like Cam Ward a whole lot. I live in his home town, maybe I'll see him around this summer and invite him on a picnic. His wife can come too.

(JStaal has a bit of a smirk on his face in the handshake line. Damn, that's cold uncle Jordy).

swissmiss said...

pensational- she slithered into that seat after the 1st or 2nd period, it was not by accident. apparently does that all the time (unfortunately she is talked about a lot on blogs and chat sites so i know this), i know people that spot her at games always going into the lower level empty seats after 1st period or so.

JSt11 said...

Wow some of these pics just scream slash. I love it. Especially the one of Pillow Lips caught in the middle of Free Candy and Sarge. It's like Night at the Roxberry.

If not, at least the Staals know who to eat first if it's a particularly harsh winter in the wilds of Thunder Bay.

^I love this blog^

Oh, and WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

JSt11 said...

Per Hockey Junkies: Talbot has been dabbing in Orpik's speed stash.

That's my explanation for Talbot's play last night. And I love Guerin interviews. He doesn't bullshit at all. Liam is his son, right? He wished him a happy birthday on national tv. Cute. Can we keep him? PLZ?

nu said...

as far as touching the conference trophy goes:

sez Ron Francis (in 2007):
"I remember in Pittsburgh when we won the conference championship and celebrating with it. We did the same thing in 2002. It was the thing to do because we had come so far. Now, it’s taboo and guys don’t want to touch it. In baseball, they celebrate everything. There is something to be said for that. This job is so hard and there is so much pressure on you to win and accomplish, to get to that point, when we won in the first round we were excited about it and we wanted to celebrate it. That didn’t take away from the fact that we knew we still had work to do. We knew we had to get back to business."And like everything else Ronnie Francis says, he's right.

(Perhaps the hockey gods take offense if you *spurn* what they've already given you. And I bet you, the other team picks up the Campbell trophy now.)

JSt11 said...

You know, this win feels way to good to let Caps and Flyers fans still bitching about officiating and the NHL being rigged ruin this. And who gives a rat's ass about Cowher? Can the media not bring up football and Steeler related shit during an amazing Pens post-season? We hear about the Steelers every other fucking day of year. BREAKING NEWS: OMG BIG BEN JUST TOOK A SHIT!

eyebleaf said...

Mario touched the Conference trophies? Wow. Of this I was unaware. It makes my perma-boner for Lemieux grow that much more. And, good on Crosby.

Congrats on the win, bitches.

Here's to Hossa realizing that he made the biggest mistake of his life.

nu said...

eyebleaf:

Mario picked up the fucking trophy and skated it around the arena, at least the first time they won! :D

...of course, the Pens had never been to the third round at that point, let alone won it.

So, yeah, they were gonna celebrate their asses off. :) And rightly so!

(what do you think would happen if teh Leafs ever won it again? ...aside from t-dot going up in flames. :) Party, bitches. The "don't touch the conference trophy" thing is new. And stupid. Really stupid.

crmzak said...

Man, I love this place. What a recap. Is there a "Scuderi - American Hero" t-shirt available anywhere? Please tell me where I can get one. UN. REAL.

Funny you called the Pens a machine because I said last night that a rematch would feel like a Machine vs Heart throwdown, with us being the Heart. I say that because I get that same "sucking the life out of hockey" feeling watching the Red Wings play. Now that isn't to say that I don't acknowledge the magnitude of skill they have, but moreso their style of play.

It was nice to see us finish out on all cylinders last night, cot dayum!

crmzak said...

When Sid touched the trophy, I gasped and said "Wow, but he is sooo superstitious!" My daughter says, very matter-of-fact, "Don't worry, Mom. He knows what he's doing."

So, basically I was told to "get my mind right" by a little kid.

I felt a calmness come over me after she said that and then watching them celebrate with the trophy just made me think of Bylsma and his badass self.

crmzak said...

Just one more thing...
that Max video = unfuckinbelievable. Pure awesome.

And if there was any doubt that the drunken night at the hotel room really happened.. well, there's your answer.

Simona said...

ANovak17: Haha, glad I could make you feel at home. I like referring to Sid as Bing because it sounds awesome. I almost want to make a little "bing" noise after every time I say it.

swissmiss: When I saw her sitting next to the Malkins at Game 2, I was super confused. How do you score seats next to them?! What you said makes sense. The weird thing is, though, she seemed to be talking to Mama Malkin throughout the game.

crmzak: Little kids are great. They can be so wise sometimes.

JSt11 said...

@crmzak, that's a sweet t-shirt idea. Maybe give the suggestion to PSR? They might like it. I would wear it.

As for Carrot, blah. She's an attention whore. I have seen her waltzing around the Igloo before some games, and it is amusing seeing how orange she really is. Some of her signs are just as ridiculous at the "Be Mine Egno" one. Just the whole thing is worth a few good chuckles if you see Carrot and Unreal Shirt in real life.

The Canadian said...

AAAAAALLLLL OF THIS... *see my glove hand doing a large, circular, "wax on" motion* is fucking awesome.

PoW Trophy... http://twitpic.com/62dha 1) I like how is all "used" looking. 2) LOLs at the napkins...

Now that we ALL know how awesome the Pens are still, I'm preparing for the next round when they effin curb-stomp Chi or Det. It will be the end to an epic season.

Go Pens. and epic Puck Huffers recaps.

crmzak said...

@JSt11, I should check that out. And did "THE STAALS ARE BROTHERS = FACT" tees ever get made by anyone? I might be paraphrasing there.

@TheCanadian, PoW Trophy all buckled up for safety? OMG cute!

AmyB said...

Appropriate, no?

 
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Puck Huffers by Kimberly Davidson and Zoƫ Hayden is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.