Monday, May 25, 2009

across the endless sands through the fields of our despair

Never has a song described a day more perfectly.
Listen as you read.
That is not a suggestion. It is a command.

Guess what we found?!?!

What did you do today? We ate dead animal with our bare hands and watched the '91 Cup victory, and the '06 Pens-Flyers game in which Crosby had a six point night. Allison got trashed as fuck.

Omg idk what I was saying... Iuust opened my internet to see hthat I had writetn thatbeforews... Hahaha. Doyinz see what the nhk is doing to me... Uif there was hockey I woulkd not be this drunks. Hahaha. Go penguinzzzzzzz$

It's like an old Evgeni text message, '$' and all. We're pleased with her efforts. We hope you were all as successful as she was. Or as we were, because we love dead animals and hockey. The two go hand in hand.

If you were wondering, it was a deer leg. We marinated it in a cooler with some old Coors Light. Like, seriously old. And various spices. Needless to say, we don't mind if Bambi is an orphan. Fuck it. Mmmmm.

Oh, also, today is the anniversary of the Cup game that we watched, so really, why weren't YOU watching it? We want good excuses. What did you all do today? Tell us about it. Sensually.

Offdays were pretty great. Brooks's hair was less fugz than usual, and JStaal disingenuously said his brother would "break out" next game. Like, we're talking some serious lying. Mom and Dad would recognize that little move from a mile away; hopefully they've sworn off watching offdays. Wouldn't want Uncle Jordy to get grounded.

Tomorrow is enormous. If we lose, WE MAY NOT ADVANCE YOU NEVER KNOW. We must crush them like bugs. Kill and marinate them like deer thigh. Et cetera. The Canes know what Dragonforce was saying in that song.

We don't know how to address this next photo, only that you need to still be listening to that Dragonforce song when you click it to full view. We're...horrified. Everyone else should be, too.

Seriously, read these lyrics. It's like our Cup rally song. We're moved.

Should we make it to the SCF, that is the song that will guide us on our epic quest, much like our epic quest to Target today to find Hint of Lime Tostitos. We were victorious. So shall be the Pens.

This was a weirdly intimate look into our daily life as fucking crazy people, we know. But really, it's a holiday, what can you expect from us? We miss hockey. We get a little sketchy without it.

Not like...Petey heading towards you with a rope and a grin sketchy....but sketchy nonetheless. (Zoe is crying now. That's what she gets for saying Kovie is too old to fuck me like ten posts ago.)

Go Pens.


wrap around curl said...

HoL Tostitos taste like victory.

I ate a steak. And drank lots of sweet tea and vodka.

wrap around curl said...

Shit that wasn't sensual. Just read what I did while listening to some Barry White.

Allison's Mouth Full of Tang said...

like im not ereally sure what is sogin t on klin life

i thiniki just saw my nanme in there hin mnot realy sure

i wanna fuckfgffasdfja s idk what inm talking about hahahaha

i gtootta go im sure ill regerret this later a hahahaha

i loove ynince

AmyB said...

I was cooking, shopping, and doing homework. Vomit.

utterfrivolity said...

I really shouldn't have checked PH before going to bed. That picture is going to give me nightmares.

nu said...

In honor, and just because:

"The Met Center crowd
was boisterous and loud
For the North Stars,
they turned out to yell.
While the Penguins' fans
could fill two Chevy vans
and perhaps, a Toyota Tercel.
The Stars thought the din
would help them to win
But alas, one maxim holds true:
Though they swing and they sway,
The fans do not play.They just watch
The people who do.

Faceoff is loose, Samuelsson's ready --
"Oh no, Eddy Spaghetti!"Two minutes in, one-nothing the score,
Penguins on top and driving for more.
The valiant Lemieux takes the goalie to school...
"Heeeeeeeeee beat Casey like a rented mule!Made it look easy, should be a crime.
"Yeah, that was a pretty big goal at the time."...Now let us digress from this stunning success --
The Pens were down two games to one!
Back pains for Lemieux?
It seemed they were through.
The North Stars thought they were done...
They did little things like measure for rings.
Oh, the plans that they made!
A trip to D.C. for a Rose Garden tea
And of course, a victory parade.

Joey Mullen moves in with a burning desire.
"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeee shoots and scores! Oh, Great Balls of Fire!"A scrum at the net, Bob Errey comes through...
"Oh, buy Sam a drink and get his dog one, too!"Ron Francis gets loose.
This game's getting funky...
"Oh, she wants to sell my monkey!"Mullen fires a shot like a loaded Beretta.
"Heeeeeeeeeeeeee shoots and scores! Oh, look out, Loretta!"Good gracious, the Penguins are eating them up.
"It's a great feeling, win a Cup."...Now I don't mean to scoff,
but you'd better call off
That appointment to measure for rings.
Though, once you get paid,
You can have a few made
That the real things.
And that flight to the President's
Washington residence?
Looks like you'll just have to drive.
Though you'll do fine if you just get in line...
(Public tours are from 9 until 5.)

A brand-new Penguin leads the attack.
"He shoots and scores, Jimmy Paek!"One final lick, Murph does the trick.
"Oh, call Arnold Slick from Turtle Crick!"The Stars fans are *stunned*...
Their heroes are wilting.
"Ladies and gentlemen, Elvis has just left the building!!!"Twenty-four years of laughter and jeers,
Erased, in the blink of an eye.
The Cup on the ice,
That sure do look nice.
Who says that Penguins can't fly?

In KD Country, where the Penguins are hot,
I'm Dave Crawley.
(Hey, freeze that last shot.)

...okay, so the actual thing is far more entertaining but I think I've memorized it! So see what I got wrong. ;)

nu said...

Gahhhhhh, fucking preview not looking like the real thing. **>_<**

JSt11 said...

Fucking Dragonforce. For the sake of the Pens though, I'll approve of it. Not that it matters. Sorry, I just have this weird dislike for them for being the favorite band of every nerd I work with or have classes with. But I'll suck it up. The lyrics do go with Sid's expression, I must say.

I was with family, cleaning, and shopping today. I wish I had a cooler story than that.

Kimberlass said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kimberlass said...

Dragonforce is the most amazing band ever. EVER.

nu said...

Oh - in other news of the day, guess who the newest inductees into the Pens' HOF sometime next season when the Canes are in town are?

St. Ronnie Francis and Tommy B. !!!! (because Ronnie will make him come. And speak, with any luck...) :D

I've only been wondering about this all season....*rolls eyes*

Finally!! (Paul Coffey and Joey Mullen and Ulf Samuelsson are already in there, for crissake!)

Annie S said...

I had to work all day. Fuck Victoria's Secret.

Quest metal music is the greatest shit ever, next to Hint of Lime tortilla chips.

Sid is impossible to be stopped. Look at his face. How many of his teammates have said he has the fire in his eyes like he won't be denied? I have serious fucking chills thinking about the Finals. I don't ever remember feeling this level of confidence before. Sid and Geno and the Pens are unstoppable. Fuck me. Think about the storyline of our season. You can't write this shit.

And why can I picture Petey coming towards me with a rope so clearly, looking at me with an expression like this? My brain may never be the same, thanks guys.

Oh and Allison, I love you, but that goes without saying. Please don't die.

Candy Man Fan said...

today being a holiday would've been a great excuse to get drunk, hell. instead I went shopping. tomorrow though, rumblog.

Candy Man Fan said...

oh and Sid in that picture? might've been what Eric Staal is always on the lookout for, not Godzilla

JSt11 said...

@Kim- LOL

AmyB said...

Can we fork all of Detroit?
Oh and Petey can come at me with a rope and that expression anyday.

MadMax84 said...

Not only did I have to work today, but I had a salad on my dinner break. I just realized how epic fail that is. I'm going to Ponderosa Steakhouse tomorrow to make amends.

That Sid picture is the scariest thing I've seen in awhile. It must be that "Zorro-esque" mustache, as the guys described it in the P-G yesterday. It's a fun read, except for this sad fact: Tenk can't grow facial hair because of the fallout from the Chernobyl nuke disaster. Man, if that doesn't kill the good will in a playoff beard article, I don't know what does.

Jordan has been epic supporting his bro. Henry and Linda should be proud. Well, at least of Jordan (ooo, ouch).

Allison: Your comments light up my life. Just as PH off-day posts light up my life (read: deer leg).

Also, in off-day interviews and otherwise, I demand an answer as to why Big Hal Gill hasn't been interviewed. I'm in a 6'7'' vat of withdrawal.

The Goon Blogger said...

DragonForce in PH...


MizzPenz said...

Holy Shit... I found the Tostitos today. I had to beat down my father in law at our Memorial Day picnic so that I could have the rest of the bag. WTF? He doesn't know jack shit about sports let alone the Pens.. but when I told him give it up in the name of Curry, he bowed down and slithered away.

Is it just a chip? I thnk not!

mer said...

this may have been the best part of my day. it was not a holiday in Canada, which sucked. I am making apple crumble for midnight snack after an epic attempt to get apples (it took 2 hours). I should probably chase it with a lots of Brown Cows...

Nulpher said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Nulpher said...


I think the Chernobyl comment was meant as a joke. He was from Kiev, which was never really impacted by the fallout from Pripyat due to the winds.

Allison's Mouth Full of Tang said...


Oh. No.

Like an old Evgeni text indeed...
But, I am a champ, and up for work and on fucking time. Praise be to Curry.

And thanks for the saftey well wishes.

nu said...

The beard thing might be a bit of a joke (and he made it in the preseason too), but I'm not so sure Feds didn't get affected by Chernobyl... :/

Glad to see you made it, Allison!

Allison's Mouth Full of Tang said...

LOL- i just read my comments on the last post from last night, OH MAN. And to the discussion that followed: be very jealous of my mouthful of Tang ;-)

Kylie said...

@Annie S.
I work at Victoria's Secret, too! I spent Memorial Day working as well. Those whores own us.

I tried to drink myself into a lack-of-hockey-induced drunken depression, but I had two beers and went to bed early. Sad state of affairs.

Annie S said...

Kylie - I know! Amazing how a three billion dollar company can act like they're going bankrupt day in day out.

EVERY MANAGER, OVER HEADSET: Make sure each customer has at least $40 worth of merchandise in their hands! Get them to open credit cards!

/work rant

Kylie said...

OH GOOD GOD! That's hilarious, and terrifying at the same time. I feel I'm on the floor and just heard that in my ear....

I sometimes have nightmares about folding panties. No joke.

The dumbasses haven't caught on yet that I request off for every Pens game.

utterfrivolity said...

Not gonna lie, I would not have expected Puck Huffers to have such a close connection to Victoria's Secret. Very random and kinda awesome.

@Allison - Your comments last night were brilliant. I had to read a couple to my fiance. "I hatw the red wing as a team but I rwally like assome of their players as people" really warmed my heart. <3

crmzak said...

I spent yesterday hiking up to the top of a mountain, which had me cursing Puck Huffers, tPB and FB the entire climb for making my ass so huge.

Then, I spent the latter half of the day at the in-laws which ended up being very enjoyable. Welllll, truth be told, it's because the whole time everyone was talking all I did was picture Mario in that crisp black shirt and playoff beard. You know the shot, from the last game's VS coverage?mmmMariommmmmmm.

Let's go boys. No muffin lines tonight, k? FINISH THEM!!!

Stagerat said...

That is a seriously evil look from El Capitan. It bears the promise of much mayhem.... I like it....

Aubrey said...

Spent yesterday scanning pictures from when the World Cup of Hockey played pretournament games in Columbus in 2004. My sister and I went to the USA vs. Canada game and the USA and Russia practices. Good times! But I had to get them back in my sister's closet before she got back from vacation and found out I'd been going through her stuff!

Candy Man Fan said...

my new and adjusted rules to the Staal brothers drinking game (take a sip of your mixed drink every time the word Staal is said) may have me passed out before the end of the first period. bring it on. GO PENS

JSt11 said...

There were at least 2 comparative graphics of the Staals so far. Stupid VS couldn't do that on the weekend? AHoles.

I saw a Fedex truck delivering packages when I was driving home from work. I knew that was a good sign.

Pony Pimp is bound to score, just keep shooting. SUPERSTARRRRRRR

Candy Man Fan said...

if there was eever a shirt that said Ruslan Fedotenko is my hoemboy, I would buy it. i called his goal last game btu this game he jsut stunned me. Boucher to Russ? unreal. I'm in love

AmyB said...



Candy Man Fan said...


AmyB said...


GingerSnap said...

I swear to GOD, with about 9 minutes left in the 3rd period, I HEARD GODZILLA ROAR. I SWEAR.

And it was at that moment that I knew we were taking this shit.


mer said...

SCF City.
Do it Pens, do it.

Allison's Mouth Full of Tang said...

I am in awe of everything that went on tonight. Sid's hands all over that trophy...YEA BABY!


rach the h said...

Just spotted Lovejoy and Curry in the background of the Satan interview. We have indeed been blessed. SC FINALS. FUCK YES.

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Puck Huffers by Kimberly Davidson and Zoƫ Hayden is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.