Monday, April 27, 2009

west fail, russian beards, covert caps agents. just another monday.

Our third favorite team got shown the door tonight. We're about as sad as we should be for watching our third favorite team lose. Which is moderately to not very. Sure, we wanted them to win, but we also wanted Whits to see a good playoff run, so it all balances out.

Our favorite boys on the team will always have one another.
It's not gay, because Nabby is an ugly lesbian. Which almost makes less sense. But we stand by our word.

Zoe's fifth favorite team showed my fifth favorite team to the door tonight. Clearly that means we're going to have to throw down.
Zoe, I hereby challenge you.
May 15th, 11 PM.
The Junior High parking lot.
You can borrow my Blawkhawks shirt. I'll find something red to wear. We will fight for the honor of these teams that are obviously so extremely fucking important to us. I'LL SEE YOU THERE.

The Hawks can choke on it.

In other news, the playoffs mean that press is required by law to show up for everything, which is both a blessing and a curse.
Sure, we don't have to worry about missing a goal celebration for recaps, but we also have to spend our downtime cruising practice photos and wondering what the hell made Mr. Captain so happy.

Rags and Caps play tomorrow, here's hoping we get what we want. Today someone stopped me in the street after seeing my Pens shirt to get a high five, thanking me for knocking out the Flyers because he hated them. Upon asking, I found that he was a Caps fan. A polite, friendly, good-looking hockey fan in the streets of Philadelphia? Be careful. The Caps may be sending these agents to all NHL cities to weaken our resolve. We can't let them get to us. Stay strong.

Canes and Devils go at it tomorrow as well. You know how we feel about this. The Canes haven't even sent any undercover agents to try to make nice. Not even an effort.

A fantastic article about Brooks Orpik came out in the past few hours.
It's pretty heartwarming, weirdly enough.

"As much as you hate to say it, there are guys who only play for the checks," Orpik said. "If they have to be at practice at 9:15, they show up at 9:15. Then, as soon as practice is over, they're gone.
"That's what I mean when I say it's different here. Guys want to come early and they stay late. The trainers get mad because we stay so long. They have to kick us out so they can go home."

Not to mention a few words on Bugsy:

"A guy like Ryan Malone, if he had to do it all over again, he'd take a lot less to stay here," Orpik said. "I know at the trade deadline, he was begging to come back here.
"A lot of the guys who have left feel that way. The older guys -- Gary Roberts, Darryl Sydor, Mark Recchi -- used to tell me we have something special here. I think the commitment level -- the camaraderie level -- that this group of guys has is unique in sports."

Obviously worth reading. Check it out.

MAF looking sassy to break up text.

And in case you missed it, Malkin addressed the topic of Sykora being out. It was, as anything from Malkin is expected to be, adorable.

"Little bit surprised because 'Sykie' good player and good shot, but maybe he need couple days rest," Malkin said, then displayed a bit of the devilish side of his personality that previously was hidden by his language barrier.
"We play three years, maybe Sykie tired of playing with me," he said, laughing.
"It's little bit rest now. Maybe we play together next series and play better."

Also, important fucking news, Malkin plans on growing a playoff beard this season.

Penguins center Evgeni Malkin had a good postseason a year ago, getting 10 goals and 22 points, and he would like to do everything he can to help the team take the one possible step beyond being the Stanley Cup runner-up.
So, after being a holdout last year, this time he is growing a playoff beard.
"To change a little bit my luck," he said.

Oh man, Penguins get a +1 for disastrous facial hair. This should be glorious. If Sid stands close enough to a beard-ridden Geno, he might actually look like he's hit puberty. We're pumped.

All that and Max Talbot being censored for saying the word "ass" here.

Oh, about the shirt contest:
We understand that we overlooked a demographic of people in our contest plans, and those are the people who are as poor as we are. We love PSR. We strongly encourage you to buy their shit. But if you can't afford it, don't feel like you can't send us something anyway.

Our email inbox looks like someone ate a bag of glitter and threw up on a hyperactive eight-year-old's spin art. The whole Blingee thing might be verging on harmful to our health. Please, keep them coming.

We wish we had more exciting things to say, but it's 3 AM and we're delirious and just hanging out until the Pens play again. We'll come up with something marvelous for you. Maybe. Hopefully.

Go Pens.


Allison said...


3AM posts are what I live for!

And Brooks, I love you. But I'm kinda mad that you had to make me tear up about Ryan Malone. Seriously, I think I borderline need therapy to get over that loss. Although, I suppose if I have made it this long without therapy for Colby, I'll survive.

Annie S said...

Jesus-fucking-Christ-on a bike. This might be the most eventful, exciting off-day PH post ever.

I'm trepidatiously hopeful about the Wings-Ducks series. Get it done, Ducks. Weirder things have happened.

Personally I'm happy that Babyface Toews and his crew advanced. I like Calgary too, but there's something about the Hawks that reminds me a little of the Pens.

That Orpik article was wonderful. I really like in-depth interviews with players and staff since it gives such great insight to what goes on off the ice. This has made me love Brooksie even more than before, and made me miss Ryan all over again. Who knows what'll happen in the offseason... I haven't given up hope yet. What Brooks had to say about team camaraderie was cheesetastic, but epic and heartrending at the same time.

There are no words to describe how stoked I am at the prospect of Geno growing a beard. It's gonna end lives and solve world hunger at the same time. And Mario is growing one too! Can't wait to see how that progresses. I'm guessing it's for the Beardathon.

Finally, I'm hoping to spark my creativity by making some Blingees and signs, but I found a hockey slash fanfiction community on Livejournal and can't tear myself away. There's this unreal one I'm halfway through already that's Brooks/Max. It's actually really, really good. I need help.

wrap around curl said...

It's ok Annie. There have been times where I too have been trapped in a hole of hockey slash fics. My best friend blocked me on AIM so I'd stop sending him choice excerpts. I recall once saying about a slash fic story, "it's really well written if you forget it's incest."

I need to take my pic for the contest. I got my Malkin Militia shirt the other day. It's amazing.

I can't wait to see all the blingees.

Annie S said...

wrap around curl - Haha, yeah there's something to be said about those Eric/Jordan Staal fics. I know just what you mean.

Kimberlass said...

Annie, check your email at once.

nightsky73144 said...

"Oh man, Penguins get a +1 for disastrous facial hair. This should be glorious. If Sid stands close enough to a beard-ridden Geno, he might actually look like he's hit puberty. We're pumped."

LOL - inDEED! - somehow I doubt that Geno is gonna be any threat to Max and Dupuis...
plus, Mario w the playoff beard?!? - his was always pretty scraggly as well
(I love it, though, that both Geno and Mario are gonna be competing w/ Sid and Flower for weak playoff stubble)

"Our email inbox looks like someone ate a bag of glitter and threw up on a hyperactive eight-year-old's spin art."

...I can't wait...

great 3AM post! - I'm glad that I am still up to see it - wonderful story on Brooks - I remember him saying when he signed that Roberts had advised him that, over the long run, a little less money doesn't matter as much as enjoying what you have and where you are, and getting the chance to play for the Cup

Annie S said...

BWAHAHAHA! Hockey slash fiction is like crack. I'm not sleeping tonight.

SteveThePirate said...

"Zoe, I hereby challenge you.
May 15th, 11 PM.
The Junior High parking lot."
I got $10 on Kim, but Zoe, I won't let her pee on you while you're down. That's just disrespectful.
Those articles made my week, a good pick-me-up after the madness over at TPB. Go Pens, bring on round 2 already!

Candy Man Fan said...

wooo let's go Ducks! Ryan Whitney's fight was a thing of beauty, especially since my friend and I are cooler than most people and had a Ryan Whitney party last night. we celebrated his fight by eating cake.

also that Brooks article has so many great quotes, such as "Orpik grinned, his electric blue eyes dancing even more than usual." and "He apologized to me in the handshake line," Orpik said, all but giggling."
it makes me happy when articles like that make people love Brooks. and it makes me happy when his eyes dance and he giggles <3

Pens_Addict said...

So, I had to rush out of my apartment this morning before I could check the update that I knew would be here. And I just finished reading it on my phone! And I almost got kicked out of class for laughing out loud when clearly I should've been listening to the incessant ramblings of my professor! Oh well, hopefully she doesn't see me texting this as well!
Great post! Can't wati to see what you crazies come up with next!

Jess said...

"Orpik grinned, his electric blue eyes dancing even more than usual."

I just shit my pants a little. I can only imagine what happened to the reporter.

25superstar said...

wow. what a post.

Hawks are my second fave team so i was pretty pumped last night...and as for the ducks, Jonas Hiller is incredible

Orpik article makes me grin :]

and, i'm a lot more excited for the Geno beard-growing than is probably healthy. haha, but if i wasn't, why would i be here?? lol

Jess said...

It's no longer interim head's HCDB, as in head coach DILF Bylsma.@wrap around curl -I hate fanfics, I think they're a little disturbing. But when I saw, "it's really well written if you forget it's incest," I couldn't stop laughing. Staal fanfics? Jesus. Must be good for some lulz.

Candy Man Fan said...

I am happier than maybe I should be to find out that Danny Balls is now HCDB...idk why I love him so much but I doooo.
get it, Disco Dan.

FDeuce said...

grats HCDB. i cant believe that there is actually a hockey fan in philly thats not an asshole, too bad hes a caps fan.

Nysha said...

OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD. Best off-day post ever. I'm crying, partly because of the cheesy sentimentality of Orpik and HCDB, partly because of how hard I'm laughing, but mostly because there is to much awesome on the screen for my poor brain to handle.

Giggling Orpik... Geno's beard... chick fight... and wtf did make Cap'n so happy? The only thing better than this post is the onslaught of great comments following this post.

@wrap around curl: By incest, you mean WINcest, no?

"...since my friend and I are cooler than most people and had a Ryan Whitney party last night. we celebrated his fight by eating cake."

I love all of you. For making me laugh again at all of the great things in this post, and for being so goddamn funny yourselves.

mer said...

i swear, my life is so much more worth living now than it was before reading this.

and congrats HCDB!

kellyn said...

I just wandered over to Empty Netters and saw the article about the 'interim' label being removed from Dan Bylsma's title as head coach. Congrats! I have to admit that I wasn't sure a coaching change in February would help the Penguins turn it around, but in going for 10th to 4th place in the East they've done that and so much more. Pens fans are lucky. They get a cool young coach who is a snappy dresser and uses buzz words like 'aggressive' and 'north/south' to describe his system of hockey. I get the gnome-like Brent Sutter who apparently has only one facial expression and bitches to the press about how much he misses his ranch an Red Deer fucking Alberta, prompting rampant speculation from the Canadian media that he will quit his job as head coach of the Devils and take a job working for the Flames to be closer to home. Good riddance. Like I give a fuck.

Amy said...

This post is amazing. So much good shit at once. I died a little reading about Malone wanting to come back. I have an unhealthy amount of love for that man considering he plays for the Lightning. Yesterday when Whitney's nose was bleeding I was all OH SHIT SHADES OF MALONE OMG. (Are players allowed to renegotiate contracts? I'm still holding out hope.)
I'm stunned about the incest fanfic. Me and Jess seen this one fanfic where some chick actually wrote about JStaal's girlfriend dying in a car crash. Scary. But gay incest fanfic would probably make me die laughing.
I made some blingees. I need to send them in still. Has Geno been growing his beard since the start of the playoffs? If so I think Mr. Captain may even have something on him.

MadMax84 said...

Head Coach Disco Dan Bylsma. Oh how sweet it is.

Favorite part of the Pens' announcement was Danny's quote: "The future is bright for hockey in Pittsburgh, and my family and I are happy to be a part of it.” Yessssssss.

I was kind of conflicted about the Ducks/Sharks game, but I'm starting to grow a thing for Jonas Hiller, having not seen him play for the majority of the season. I love me some young, amazing goalie action (MAF's right toe, anyone?), except when that goalie happens to go by the moniker of Cam "Rat Bastard" Ward.

That being said, I must tastefully disagree with PH on the hopes for the Game 7s tonight. I want the Rags and Canes to win tonight. Only way we get home ice, and we can down the Canes. Plus, I want to see the Pens play the Bruins for the East. That's a marquee matchup, fersher, as TK would say.

P-G has such great features. Orpik is the Renaissance man of D-men. Every time I expect him to show up to an interview with blood dripping from his lips and various talismans in the form of opponents' heads slung over his shoulder, he comes up with a thoughtful analysis of the state of the Pens and hockey. Though he needn't bring up Bugsy. (Sniff).

Malkin playoff beard=Whoa nelly! P-G's feature on Mr. and Mrs. Malkin made my insides tingle. I want to be invited over to the Malkin casa for pierogies and borscht. Out of all the young'uns, my favorite playoff chin-warmer is TK's, by far. Teen Wolf, fersher.

Puck Huffers=Home of the Playoffs for MadMax. LET'S DO THIS!!!!

GingerSnap said...

I created an account for the sole purpose of commenting on this blog. When I stumbled upon it, it was like Jesus had taken me by the hand and said, "Here you go, GingerSnap, these people will understand your obsession. Go and be at peace."

Thank you, Puck Huffers. Thank you.

debrisslide said...

GingerSnap, we love you.

MadMax84 said...

Gingersnap: Indeed. The warm cyber embrace of PH is wide and calming.

Chubs said...

I honestly like to think that you both have a depth chart of your favorite teams ranking everyone in the NHL. Which means I'm looking forward to when one's 15th-favorite team loses to the other's 14th-favorite.

rach the h said...

Jesus. I should be writing a research proposal (that's due at 4:30 today...) instead of catching up on here. Now I must resist the urge to make Blingees while completely BSing this proposal. Thanks, guys. Thanks so much.

Kimberly said...

greatness as usual! I really wish Malone could make a guest appearance in the playoffs. Is it okay if I enter the sign contest and have to somehow relate to PH but not specifically Penguins? It just wouldn't sit good in my stomach to do a sign for another team during the playoffs. I will make it something ridiculous. I only have a few weeks before graduation and need a reason to do something like this haha

Also, the Rangers would appreciate all prays to Curry tonight. Yes, I am fully aware I am the only person left in this world who thinks they can win.

Kimberly said...

Feel free to make the PH-centric but not specifically Penguins-centric.

We're pulling for the Rangers tonight. Please tell your boys not to fail.

Kimberlass said...

Oh, and sorry for continuously stealing your username because I sign in under the wrong email account.

We're both Kimberly when I am so fail. I will try to stop stealing your thunder.

Molly[Talbot]5825 said...

"wondering what the hell made Mr. Captain so happy."
maybe it's that HCDB (yuppp no interim) is here to stay!!

or possibly that his playoff beard isn't as completely pathetic as we all thought it would be.

who know.

go rangers and devils! =]

Kimberly~TheRangersFan said...

We can't help both having an awesome name. I changed my username so we can tell the difference. I think this should clarify between the two. I had more creative names but they were obnoxiously long.

Amy said...

I'm with KimberlyTRF. I want to use my MAARRRTTTYY chant.

1wingangel said...

The new Dan Bylsma Radar is almost as sexy as he is. I was looking forward to the update.

katepghfan said...

sorry, KimberlyRangersFan - but, what a fail...

who the hell only gets 15 shots in a game 7?? - and, never even gets their goalie off the ice for an extra attacker? - I mean, it is not as if they are playing the defense of the Habs from the 70s...

that...was simply pitiful

so, it is down to either the Caps or the Bruins now...
kate (just in case I fail w the sign in thing AGAIN)

1wingangel said...

Omg, we can't trust Pillow Lips Staal. Pens vs Caps in Round 2. Uncle Daddy = fail.

1wingangel said...

...Who thinks of Brooks/Max, anyway? Random thought that I can't get out of my head. O_o

Amy said...

A sick, sick, individual. Ovechkin probably thought of it.

Can't wait til the Pens take those clowns out in the 2nd.

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