Saturday, April 25, 2009

this anger's heaven sent.

When the day comes that the collective dick touchers of the world (Pierre, get out from the Flyers changing room and look at us when we're speaking to you) unite and try to say that fighting needs to leave this divine sport that we all love, we will force them to leave their nipple clamps and ball gags on the sidelines and rewatch this game over and over. And over. And over.

From the date April 25th, 2009 forward, you will not be able to purchase a dictionary that doesn't have Max Talbot's manly, broken, bruised, cocky, wonderful face printed under the word "redemption."

Even online versions are currently being revised.


Awards are in order.
So are many, many other things.
We know you boys were looking for a handshake tonight, but Curry knows we're willing to give you so much more.

MOST OPTIMISTIC
Penguins fans go into this game feeling pretty good in general. Tanger is back, Pierre is too busy whispering sweet nothings in the Flyers locker room to commentate, and we are so not losing to the Flyers two games in a row. It just isn't happening. Right? Right.

The game starts off looking as hopeful as we want it to, really. We get to see a wicked three on two, Robert Scuderi reminds us he's an American Hero - as though we could ever forget - Malkin gets stoned by a goal post. We even hear the Mark Eaton is from Delaware! They leave out some important details about him but it's cool. The press came through with the details.

You're pleased. Let's just keep it going, okay?

OUR FAVORITE NATURALLY OCCURRING PHENOMENON
Apparently Craig Adams's birthday is tomorrow.
That means you can drink for him TONIGHT. How exciting is that?
We don't know when exactly it started, its occurrence is a beautiful and mystical thing in the likes of the aurora borealis, but on many nights around midnight and on, the PH comments section becomes the go-to location for drunk bitches worldwide.

We don't know how or why, we just know it's beautiful.
Just...unrivaled beauty.

THE MOMENT YOUR STOMACH JUMPED FROM A TEN STORY BUILDING
Richards skates up behind Max Talbot and asks "Oh, hello Maxime, may I borrow this?"
Max Talbot's brain is currently looping the Meow Mix theme song, so he doesn't notice when Richards takes the puck anyway. You hold your breath and hope to Curry that MAF sees this shit coming.
Exhale, he does.
Knuble stops in front of Marc-Andre's house at 4 AM, picks up his trash, and throws the cans into the middle of the fucking driveway.
What an asshole of a civil servant.

In my notes I write the words
"Max Talbot Fail"

MOMENT YOU JUMPED FROM A TEN STORY BUILDING
Oh fuck...not this again.

Malkin draws a penalty, but intermission still came roughly one minute and twenty-one seconds too late. You're fashioning your shoelaces into a noose and trying to search the kitchen for bleach to go with that freshly poured whiskey. Intermission snakebites the PP. It's going to be a long fucking night.

THE MOMENT YOU HIT THE PAVEMENT
And it's goodbye second round security. Worst day of your life.

THE PIMPEST PIMP TO EVER WIELD A HOCKEY STICK
Maxime Talbot- despite being a tasteless, cocky, womanizing ass - is the heart and soul of the Pittsburgh Penguins. We love him in spite of, and probably because of, all of his numerous character flaws. When the team is backed into a corner, you can bet that the one who will step up and get his ass kicked for the good of the team is going to be good 'ol Max.
Max puts the hope back into the team. This is redemption. He then tells the Flyers crowd to kindly shut the fuck up if they know what is best for them.

What a stone cold pimp.
The fans apparently do not know what is best for them.
Their bad.

Back at the ranch, I am still being a whiny bitch about it all. I spent intermission looking for veiled hats just in case I had to look mournful yet fashionable any time soon. I'm starting to wonder how many classes I can skip before failing out of college, as to avoid the masses of Flyers fans I shit talk daily. Allison chose this moment to remind me what PH is all about.
Try not to look towards the right of that photo. The pure leadership is bad for your corneas.
The goal was declared a Feds goal and ended in a huge scrum. Do we feel some pressure? The hope is creeping back into our veins. Blame Max and Allison.

MOMENT YOU CAME BACK TO LIFE

3-1 is still a mountain and we all know it. We feel a little bit more comfortable watching this game knowing that the Penguins are at least pushing forward. But it isn't enough. Thirty Dicks agrees.
The comeback has begun. We all know how this goes. Everything is different. Everything has changed. It's like Max Talbot's 25th birthday all over again, just with fewer hookers and much, much less booze.

THE CROWD SILENCING AWARD
The Flyers fans are starting to realize that maybe they should have shut the fuck up way back in the day when Max Talbot politely told them to. Now their chants are getting a little weak. We have to turn up the volume to catch what message it is they are feebly trying trying to convey.

"Crofadkf Sdskjfd"
"I'm sorry, what was that?"
"Crossfk Suckfkfafsdf"
"Once more, we still didn't quite catch that."
"Crosby Sucks."
"WAIT SAY THAT AGAIN BITCH"

Tie game. And you know where it's going.
God damn it's a beautiful day outside.
Anyone feel like frolicking through the fields with us?
Or, better yet, up and down the streets of Philly?

"What doesn't that guy do, Mike Richards?"
Wait, hold on a second NBC, we're not open for questions just yet. We'll handle that one after intermission.

SERIOUS EMOTIONAL OVERDRIVE TIME

Two minutes and nineteen seconds home, Sarge puts the lead where it belongs. We're wiping our palms on our jeans in anticipation of that sweet, sweet handshake.

AND JUST IN CASE ANYONE FORGOT
Crosby Sucks, Crosby Sucks,Crosby Sucks.

PENS 5 FLYERS 3
PENS WIN
FLYERS = DEAD

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

THANK YOU FOR NOT BEING RETARDED

We din't even notice the refs until a questionable call in the second period. They had a few bad moments, but for the most part they just let the game happen. Way to go.

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
This game, like all others, only had one Supa Sta.
Like we give a shit what the homers in Philly said.

STAR OF THE GAME
Us? No, don't be modest, Maxime Talbot. YOU saved this game.

Oh Flyers, how we won't miss you in the later rounds of the playoffs. How we won't miss your players or your fans. How I won't miss your city when I escape in a couple of weeks.
It's been great.
Oh, wait, no, it hasn't.

Look at the bright side, Jerk City was made for you today.


Round two, here we come.
What a magnificent day.

Go Pens.

32 comments:

Amy said...

Yaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyy!I love when Max gets his ass beat for the team. That's leadership. Crosby sucks.

jovi said...

geez, no comment yet? everyone must have passed out away from there computers.

this at 10, Pittsburgh hospitals filled with drunken chick bloggers. 5000 stomachs have been pumped so far.

jovi said...

geez amy u just beat me.

Pensational said...

Awesome recap.

I was keeping the faith like Bon Jovi (and Allison). Weird calmness about this game. The boys will only put up with some much shit... "orange crush", the media saying the Flyers have been the better team, etc. before Talbot will fuck a bitch (Philadelphia) up.

Crosby putting the last one home and a huge game by Malkin... oh it was beautiful.

jovi said...

also, the only person more pimp than Talbot is our HEAD coach Bylsma.

Allison said...

Max is such a fucking man.

Jesus, just looks at Feds' hair in that "Leadership" photo... it's other worldly.

So glad Mr. Unicorn was back in tonight.

And that little conglomeration of PHers drunken comments.... omg <3

Allison said...

@Pensational- Not only was I keepin the faith, I really just felt it. Like you said, a weird calmness. It was just one of those days where you just know things.

(and wooooo Bon Jovi reference!)

Amy said...

Did you guys see when there was that big melee? Tang was doing fisticuffs with some one and his hair was out! It was beautiful. Seeing my drunk confession of French Canadian love on a PH pic was amazing. I knew good things would come of my drunk interneting.

1wingangel said...

"Crofadkf Sdskjfd"
"I'm sorry, what was that?"
"Crossfk Suckfkfafsdf"
"Once more, we still didn't quite catch that."
"Crosby Sucks."
"WAIT SAY THAT AGAIN BITCH"
Exactly. PH gold.

I agree with Pensational and Allison. The 0-3 deficit had me bummed, but I couldn't help but feel that the Pens wouldn't just die like that. I knew they'd catch a spark at some point, but I had no idea how huge that turned out to be. Go Pens.

x-materialize-x said...

I would have loved to have seen that Max interview. What a pimp. Anyone have a link?

katepghfan said...

wonderful recap, Kim

and, an amazing game - I have to admit, to my shame, that I was ready to stick a fork in the Pens after that third Filth goal - I should have known better

Tortorella is suspended a game, after ignoring his own speech on staying disciplined

and, I have to root for the Ducks, if only to get bigmouth JR out of the playoffs - has anyone talked so much shit and done so little over the course of his career

I am betting that that screenshot of Max shushing the crowd at the Waaaaachovia Center is going to end up as a lot of people's backgrounds in the next few days

Let's go, Pens!!!!!

...12 to go

wmh said...

i felt the weirdness to this game too. like even when they scored to make it 3-1 i was like meh. whatevs.


maxime talbot is my fucking hero!!!!!!!!

Allison said...

@ x-materialize-x0 if the interview you're refering to is the one in which he points at us, that was something I saw on NHL.com. I had on the Sidney Crosby Iso cam of NBC's and after the game, they player like 45 mins of behind the scenes shit, and that interview was on there.

I HIGHLY suggest that everyone have on that iso cam for the next NBC game (i think they're the ones who do it). SO worth it. Like, you get to see what goes on during the commercials, and on the bench. It's fun. And the after game festivities are great, all the live editing. Quite comical.

25superstar said...

Max = pimpest pimp evah.

shush, bitches.

should have listened to the superstar. :]

Jess said...

NO. ALCOHOL. EVER. AGAIN.



...Until Wednesday. Happy Birthday Mr. Adams, but there's no way in hell I am drinking again tonight. 30 Dicks? Mr. Unicorn? I fucking love these nicknames. Moar plz kthxbai.

Eaton played dilftastically. So did Scuds, but he's the epitome of DILF. Didn't think anyone needs to be reminded of it.

Those Philly homers wouldn't give Sid a star, although he clearly deserved it. Whatev. Sid doesn't play for individual milestones.

1wingangel said...

JStaal is a sneaky little bastard. Flower likes it backdoor. Watch this video, it is incredible.

Jess said...

When I was too busy anticipating porcelain god worshiping that never happened (thank Curry), Amy was confessing our love for French Canadians. Good work. I want to eat croissants and drink Molson with them.

Crosby sucks. In case you weren't sure. 5 unanswered goals, get on your knees and suck on 30 Dicks, Philly. Have fun golfing.

wrap around curl said...

Max Tal, what a national hero. Seriously.

Allison said...

@wrap around curl-
I agree.... what a national hero.

mer said...

for a few brief moments at the beginning of the second period, approximately one minute before Max's life-altering fight, I had a minor heart attack as I realized that I don't actually remember what it's like to have the post-season end in April.

The last time the post-season ended in April for me was 2004. My Sens were knocked out by Toronto in 7 games. Then I cheered for Calgary because it was my only connection to the 'real world' when I was stuck in a remote Scottish town.

Fedotenko redeemed himself (slightly) today for scoring his first playoff goal since the game winner in the 2004 SCF. (There were waterworks. All of Scotland knew I was pissed that effing Tampa Bay beat Calgary.) I still can't forgive Feds completely, but giving us that first goal tonight?

3-1 baby, most dangerous lead in hockey for a reason. have fun golfing Richie!

Jess said...

So there was a president Adams as well. Is TK's name in jeopardy? Could draw more attention to the Sam Adams beer. Or the founding father thing. Or we could just call him Craig Adams until a good nickname comes about naturally.

Happy Birthday dude.

Annie S said...

OMG, 1wingangel, Steve Mason is A-D-O-R-A-B-L-E in that video. He looks like he's about 12. And Jordy's such a smartass.

Allison said...

Hey, Kim...I finally just realized what's been bothering me about this post all night... In the title... You're missing a capital T... I believe it should read "This Tanger's heaven sent."

=]

Lori said...

"Crofadkf Sdskjfd"
"I'm sorry, what was that?"
"Crossfk Suckfkfafsdf"
"Once more, we still didn't quite catch that."
"Crosby Sucks."

Best part ever.

Candy Man Fan said...

I was working yesterday and only saw a combined total of 5 minutes of the game, but in those 5 minutes I saw Max's fight and Sarge's goal...I should've known just from that that we'd win.

also, I just died watching that Cabbie video with Fleury and Jordan. someone plz put that on youtube so I can favorite it

mer said...

because of that video, Mase has been elevated to "let's you and me have a few pitchers of beer and see what hilarity ensues" status (which is now held by he, Mad Max and Army)

Jess said...

Allison, is Tanger using his stick as a unicorn horn?

Candy Man Fan said...

Jess -
I was just on the phone with my mom when I read your comment/looked at the picture again and I loled. oops. but yeah, I've been wondering what he was doing in that pic..your answer is the only reasonable explanation

Pensational said...

Allison, thanks for the tip about the iso cam. I will definitely check it out during the next NBC game.

That Cabbie video is hilarious. Have you guys seen the Cabbie vid about hockey sticks? Crosby is the only Pen to make an appearance but it is still really funny. Is it weird that I like Parros? "Mustache rides by invitation only."

1wingangel said...

Pensational, I love that Cabbie vid. Cabbie is awesome, every new video of his always manages to feature some awkward hockey innuendo. And saying that JStaal is his brother? Amazing.

Allison said...

@jess- omg, he is just so bizzare, and awkwardly adorable. It's why I love my little unicorn.

And ALL of cabbie's videos are spectacular. I have like 10 favorited on youtube, I'll link when I'm on a computer. Omg they're all so good. There's some with colby back when he was a penguin.

Jess said...

@Allison- I work with engineers all day. They're bizarre and awkward. But not in the cute way, just super awkward. They make the idea of being a cat lady (although I'm super allergic to cats) when I'm older seem like fun. Unless LeHair is into Dragonforce or World of Warcraft, I'd say he's probably a normal guy.

Flower style!!!!!! What a video.

 
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Puck Huffers by Kimberly Davidson and Zoƫ Hayden is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.