Wednesday, April 29, 2009

tantalizingly seizure inducing.

Do you have any idea what it is like to wake up to this every morning?



It's kind of amazing, actually. We're not sure what exactly we are going to do with the volumes and volumes of Blingees that we have. As I typed that sentence, we just got another. We are impressed by your power and amazing skills. Please, continue to impress us. Open the gates of tackiness and let the Blingees flow forth into our inbox. The expo is on Friday. Prepare yourselves.

Speaking of us being pleased, haaaay there Malkin.
Congrats on the nomination. How do you feel?
That's what we thought.
That photograph should be printed on billboards worldwide, lest anyone forget the pure passion that kicked our season in the ass and made the Penguins a worthy team again.

We're ready to riot if he doesn't win. All of you are invited. Bring your own torches and pitchforks, we might not have enough to go around.

There isn't much news today in the world of hockey. Not much is really going on. For the next week we think the only news will be something along the lines of OMG OVIE VS. SID OMG OVIE VS. MALKS. It's already getting old and it's hardly started. The whole "Crosby-Ovechkin" tab on the NHL website is quite enough to make us want to vomit a little. It's going to be an onslaught of creating rivalries and cocksucking. When you're done preparing yourself for Blingees, start preparing yourselves for that.

Also, we'd like to take a moment to address one mister Simeon Aleksandrovich Varlamov. We are always kind of angry when Kovie suddenly becomes "Alex" because really how much harder is it to say "Alexei"?
Mr. Varlamov, however...we kind of agree with the Americanizing of his name.
And at the same time we don't.
Example one. Example two.
Thank you, European hockey sites, for staying true to the facts.
We...don't really have much else to say on the topic. It's all too obvious.
Thanks to meecrofilm.

Our feelings are still something along the lines of "show us what ya got, bitches" and we're not changing that opinion any time soon.

They've added Malkin to the list of headlining beard growers.
We're hoping he blows our mind and has a powerful man beard. Or wait...maybe we aren't.
We have no idea, actually.

All we know is that we aren't worried about anything.
It's all fantastic.
We're golden.

Go Pens.


jovi said...

malkin's beard will have more dicks than eaton. BANK.

GingerSnap said...

I'm so ready to see that beard. It will be the answer to all of our greatest will be the destroyer of Capitals will grow in little patches shaped like Lucky Charms...

kellyn said...

'Semen' Varlamov? Alexander Semin is so not impressed. He's ready to throw down, bongo-style, for the right to be the only 'Semen' on that team.

The Goon Blogger said...

Семён Варламов is the Cyrillic of his name, so technically the English pronunciation should be Sem-YON.

Way to not understand simple Russian, stupid jokes.

What's even more ridiculous is that Pierre McDouche had a dig at Varlamov for correcting people on how to say his fucking name. Emphasis should be played on the LA, not the VAR. Pierre McDouche said during Game 6 "VarLAmov, as he likes to be called now..." You could practically hear his eyes rolling. Prick city.

I like Varlamov, surprisingly. He's very cool under pressure and I had to begrudgingly respect him when he just adjusted his mask and went about his business after Sean Avery punched him in the face.

However Varlamov, the Penguin offense isn't the Rag offense, wooo!

utterfrivolity said...

That HUGS Blingee is truly awe-inspiring. Can't wait to see more.

Pens_Addict said...

I tihnk that there will be thousands on hand for the riot if the need arises! And I can't wait to see this beard either*

Tomorrow will be spent cropping and brightening photos to make a few more blingees to add to your stash in between my classes!

meecrofilm said...

If Geno, out of nowhere, ends up busting out a Russian mountain man beard, they could probably just shave it off, put it in a pair of skates, and that thing could pot 15 goals playing on his wing.

tGB, the douchey-ness of Pierre McDouche really does know no boundaries. Amazing.

katepghfan said...

GingerSnap..."it will grow in little patches shaped like Lucky Charms..."

wouldn't surprise me if it did - in fact, I will be less surprised to see that than I would be to see a full Russian mountain man beard - somehow, I just can't see Geno being the heavily-bearded type

and, I think that a person should be able to know the way his own name should be pronounced - what a moron Pierre is - thank God we only have the possibility of one NBC game this round

I've nothing against Varlamov - but, the Pens are NOT the Rangers - and, I will be quite happy to see Varlamov reduced to a pile of charred ash by this time next week

and, whoa, seizure-inducing is definitely my expectation for Friday - I'll be wearing my sunglasses at least when I come to PH then

Let's go, Pens!!!!!

now let's see if I can sign in under the right sn...

MadMax84 said...


Meecrofilm, not only do you bless us with the Simeon/Semen variation, but you deign to give us gems such as Geno's skating beard. I laughed, spit out a little beer, and then repeated. Genius.

PH: I almost feel like apologizing for sending my Disco Dan Blingee after seeing the works of brilliance done by Wraparoundcurl and TP. I thought I was being outlandish by having two DIFFERENT types of blinking hearts on there. Upping my game, I promise.

So is skanky Jose Theodore completely out of the playoffs?

Lastly, I think it's a tad unfair to have a sponsored Pens beard watch focus on such hairy men as Dupper and Talbot. I'd be much more entertained with a "Watch These Milky-Cheeked Lads Strain Their Cheek Muscles in the Hopes of Eking Out a Hair or Two," aka "The Sidney Crosby Challenge." Man is that "beard" getting worse by the day. I love it.

Allison said...

oh man.... im super stoked for Friday.

and thanks for that meecro, way to make my night! (and without letang this time :p )

and thanks for that clarification goon. glad someone else noticed Pierre being a dickwad.

and, this is what I got caught up with tonight while trying to write a paper.... I was holding down the fort until about 50 seconds in... then the dam burst. (ok so it was just light sobbing)

meecrofilm said...

Allison, that is one of the most emotional things I have ever laid eyes on. Seriously.

Allison said...

@meecro- fersher! Like, that video found a way to make me nostalgic for Jon Sim! (maybe only Zoe will fully understand the signifigance of that, so I should disclose how much I currently hate him.)

Candy Man Fan said...

TK was just on KISS with Mikey and Big Bob...talked about liking his stick, having a killer 'stache and his favorite Disney movie being Homeward Bound. no stories about his grandpa beating people up in a movie theater, though

Hand of Godard said...

I now have tickets to games 1,3, and 4 after getting shut out in the first round. I am fucking pumped!

Those blingees gave me the most amazing seizure ever. Looking forward to more Friday.

Jess said...

Wow those Blingees put mine to shame. That Max picture is definitely Blingee material. Good call.

Can't spell amuSEMENt with semen.

I try to avoid listening to Madden(because of the yelling into the microphone), but he brought up a great point yesterday. Out of all the goaltenders that are left, there's rat bastard Ward, Timmy Thomas, and Semen Jr. Who would you pick to face out of all of them? Semen Jr. has only seen the Rags so far. If the Pens make him crap the bed, Jose Theodore goes in. Pens make him crap his pants too. He also brought up Jim Carey. This guy skyrocketed as a rookie and even won the Vezina. but he only played 6 seasons in the NHL, and his last one was 4 games long. The 1995 and 1996 playoffs say everything you need to know about Carey. Despite being great in the regular season, he choked hardcore in playoffs. After the 1996 playoffs, this guy's career rode the failboat into retirement. Madden made some great comparisons of Semen Jr. to Liar Liar (both are/were rookies with success but also limited NHL experience). But you never know, maybe Varlamov makes the adjustments and doesn't failboat completely. It's just that I don't see it happening. That something that comes with experience at the NHL level.

debrisslide said...

Brendon, words cannot express my jealousy. Rest assured though, you're going to see some awesome games. Hopefully you don't have to be sad with your beer like during second intermission in Columbus. . .

I really wanted the B's second round because I would have maybe scraped together the cash to go to one of the games here at TD Banknorth Garden before I got back to Pittsburgh. Fucking Brodeur ruined everything.

debrisslide said...


Jess said...

Thanks :) Me and Amy made that sign a couple months ago during warmups at a Pens/Isles game. I actually thought about using it again for the contest, but I think it would take out the fun. Plus, everyone's seen it. It's not exactly creative now. The problem is, I'm still working on good ideas for a sign. I'm hoping for an epiphany in the near future.

crmzak said...

Those blingees are barftastic. And I mean that in a good way.

Speaking of reverse peristaalsis, can someone please come up with an Ovie vs Sid/Gino HYPEFEST drinking game? It might be the only way I can get through this series and said hoopla without punching somebody.

Amy said...

Good times making that sign. Remember that incredibly stinky guy in front of us? He was worse than the giant column blocking half the ice.
As of right now, has not one, but TWO Crosby-Ovechkin tabs. Barf. The hockey's gonna be fun to watch, but media-wise, its gonna be a long series.
What with all the Bettman conspiring between his two "golden boys", I wonder what the refs are gonna do.

crmzak said...

Oh and I'm kinda hoping the Pens will do to Varlamov what the Bruins did to Price last year. Price's meltdown came in Game 5, was it? I watched that game and after mishandling the puck - quintessential rookie mistake that it was - immediately led to a goal and it was downhill from there.

JAYZUS, the dazed look in that boy's eyes... *shudders* The dude looked like he simply had no clue where he was!

Jonathan Altman said...

I love this blog and your bitches writing, but if I see one more blingee, my face is going to melt, in the bad way. Plus it makes my phone run slow as hell when I try to read on the go.

1wingangel said...

Psyched for Friday. Unbelievably psyched for the torrential flood of sparkling, neon, flashing Blingees that will collectively evoke the Rage of Sidney Crosby, the Passion of Evgeni Malkin, and the general Dominance of the Boys in Black and Gold. DC is about to be taken over... by glitter and gifs. The world had best be ready.

Blingees have become a sort of addiction to me lately. I'm cranking out like two a day. Help.

debrisslide said...

Jonathan: sorry about what we're going to do tomorrow then. Huge Blingee post. You might want to stay away. . .

Pensational said...

I LOVE the idea of a Crosby - Ovechkin drinking game.

Rule ideas in the comments?

Every time Malkin hits Crosby or Crosby hits Malkin, and it is talked about for the next 10 minutes of play, DRINK.

Pensational said...

fuck I'm actually drunk right now. Obviously I meant Ovechkin. Jesus.

Candy Man Fan said...

pensational. i am drunk too. i'm glad i'm not the only one. also I'm about to make some long island iced tea inspired blinggees. GET IT

1wingangel said...

Is it Friday yet?? Can't waaait.

Allison said...

@Candy Man Fan-wooooooo for Long Island iced tea!!!! Can't wait to see blingees thoes drinks inspire.

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