Thursday, April 23, 2009

i was on my bad luck, kept gambling just the same

So, I was trying to get a good screenshot of Buries It because he looked like he was growing a playoff beard of some kind and investigation was necessary.
Fun graphic by FSN:
Ouch.

No one expected the Penguins to lose this game.
Not the way they did.
Certainly not after the first 20.
First goal won the game.
After that, it was just try not to go down too hard.

I was contemplating bitching out on you all and not having an awards show.
I really was.
Bob Errey convinced me otherwise.
IF YOU DON'T DO IT, ZOË, NO ONE WILL
TEAM MORALE HANGS IN THE BALANCE


Yes, Bobby. Yes it does.
The boys being on a flight to Philadelphia in the near future does not leave a good taste in our mouths.
We'd rather have rum ganache cupcakes with saffron for Christ's sake.
Can the Penguins be the team to finish off the Flyers on Saturday?
It will be at 3PM. NBC will be watching. Pierre McGuire and Mike Richards will be whispering furtive promises to one another underneath the sheets. The fans won't be united at the big screen, but in front of their televisions at home with lonely cans of beer.
If the Flyers tie this series, we're burning down a major building.
Luckily, however, we don't have to worry about becoming arsonists, right?
Saturday's another day.
We know we can win in that building. We, like, just did it.
We need the fight and determination, the will to not be embarrassed by them again.
It is time.
There are 16 victories to a Stanley Cup, but before we even think about that, we're going to get to 4.

THE PERIOD YOU KNEW WE WERE WINNING
The Flyers come out with a little bit of pressure. They almost beat Fleury.
Then Coach Danny calmly puts the third line on the ice. They ruin lives.
"The Flyers will be gone very shortly in this series if the Carter unit cannot handle the Staal unit," says Bob Errey.
Thanks, Bobby, for the jinx.
Crosby undresses Timonen and takes over the world, but Biron is there.
Ugh.

Staalsy gets called for roughing somehow.
Flyers don't register a shot, WOOOO!
Everyone on the team, pretty much, is the definition of unfuckingreal. TK, Malkin, Crosby, everyone.
Kunitz continues his beautiful yet tumultuous love affair with Kimmo Timonen. This love affair usually takes the form of planting Kimmo's face into the glass with no regards for his safety and skating away.
It's a very sweet relationship.

Period ends with the shots 15-5. Flyers didn't register a shot since before their power play began eight and a half minutes into the game.
Oh yeah, Philly.
Better start picking out which polo shirts to wear to the golf course.
Right? Right.

MOST CONFLICTING EMOTIONS
Early in the second, we learn that Fattie Nash has scored his first career playoff goal in Columbus to cut the Wings' lead to 3-2 in Game 4.
THIS IS THE SHIT WE LIKE TO SEE

Kunitz almost gets a breakaway. Really, not much is happening in this game. Players falling over each other. Shots getting blocked. Pucks getting dumped. Yada yada yada. Flyers take possibly their second shot of the entire evening.

ARRON ASHAM WHAT THE FUCK NO ONE INVITED YOU
99 times out of 100, Fleury has that shot in his glove and doesn't give a fuck who Arron Asham is.

This goal was assisted by Carcillo, who has been regrettably more visible on the ice lately than Mike Richards.
Just get Daniel Carcillo the fucking Conn Smythe already.

Are we as happy for Rick Nash as we are pissed at Arron Asham?
Probably not.

MOMENT THAT MADE YOU CRINGE UNCOMFORTABLY AND PROBABLY CRY
This award has been on the shelf for awhile, hasn't it?
Fedotenko and Talbot take beatings in the corner to maintain possession and get the puck to Gonchar.
Malkin gets a rebound from Gonch's slapshot, tries to kick it up to his stick. It goes into the net instead. No one knows if his stick ever touched the puck because Biron's arm was being fat. Did we ever see an overhead view of this? We're not jobbing Toronto, we're just wondering. Due to the FSN blackout we were watching Versus and they didn't show one.
Christine Simpson probably had something to do with it.

The goal is taken back.
Still 1-0.
Corpse Boy takes a penalty for roughing.
Boucher makes Hartnell his bitch.
Nothing happens.
This game needs to be calmed down, and it needs to be calmed down fast.
Thankfully TV timeouts and intermission make it easier than it might have been.

Columbus is in a 5-3 hole in the 2nd.

BEST INTERMISSION EVER


If the Jackets are tied at 5 with the Wings, there's gotta be something left in our tanks.
Go boys go.

THE MOMENT IT COULD HAVE BEEN SAVED
Fleury makes another amazing, highlight reel save with that left-to-right push.
We were pregnant with triplets, but then miscarried when Claude Giroux showed up.
John Stevens calls for the celebratory champagne to be delivered to Mike Richards and his leadership.
The waiter reminds him that this is not a Stanley Cup Finals game.

MOST RAGE
Mike Richards shoots harmlessly at Marc-André Fleury's pad. Big ol' rebound. Mike Knuble makes his first appearance on the ice all series.
Pierre McGuire, obviously watching along at home, runs out of old t-shirts with which to wipe up his semen.
fjslkfjalksdfjkldsjfklsjfaklsdjffhjsdkh

Penguins take some penalties.
They aren't Flyers-esque penalties, but they show our frustration nevertheless.
We could have taken the shutout away. We could have at least done that.
Or not.
We outshot them, outhit them, and did a better job in the faceoff circle. Altogether, we played pretty well.
But stats are meaningless. We didn't do what we meant to do. Biron took the momentum and our sanity. We didn't test him like we should have and he made a couple of good saves along the way.
As always in the playoffs, our work is never, ever done.

PENS LOSE
3-0


Going back to Philly is like going to the doctor to get the results of an STD test.

OH YEAH AND JOHAN FRANZEN SCORED WITH 47 SECONDS LEFT IN THE THIRD TO BREAK THE 5-5 TIE.
Jackets got swept.
We didn't want to believe it would happen, but after game 1, deep down, we knew it might.
Our thoughts and prayers are with you, Jackets fans.
Look heavenward to Curry.
There's always next season.

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

PERSON LEAST LIKELY TO GIVE A FUCK WHAT YOU SAY
Sidney Crosby is bound to crack one of these days and just tell one of those smarmy female reporters to eat his dick.

PERSON MOST IN NEED OF A LONG CARIBBEAN CRUISE AND SOME LONG, PASSIONATE SEX
Poor Harold Priestley

MOST PIMPIN'
"No one said it was going to be easy."

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. This is like, some robot with heat-seeking missiles in its eyes sent by the Flyers organization to infiltrate the whiteout.
Or something.

2. Brooks Orpik - 9 hits. Thirsts for blood.

3. Tyler Kennedy - For at least attempting to bury his wraparound. Poor thing.

Satan played tonight in place of Sykora and it was okay. No noticeable difference. He missed the net a few times. We want Petey back. He was probably raping the entire Flyers organization in a men's room between periods. Without staining his gabardine suit.

Tanger is probably injured. Boucher was a physical presence. People will complain about him being a -2. So was Sidney Crosby. SCRATCH HIM.

There really aren't words for this, as I'm sure you understand.
But we believe.

GO PENS.

24 comments:

nightsky73144 said...

yes...believe!

worthy recap, Zoe, of a depressing game

my day started off shitty, and got no better - so, maybe I should have expected this

the first period was the killer - it always happens when you go all out and outplay and greatly outshoot the other team...and have zilch to show for it
...then, second and third were largely meh

one of the few bright moments (other than hoping that Malkin got his stick on that puck before it crossed the line) was near the end of the second when Geno checked someone behind the net and Captain Leader tried to kill Geno with a run from about 30 feet away, and Geno sidestepped and Richards just got to eat the glass - plus the play of TK, who was all over the place (what HAS he been on?)

time to end this shit on Saturday! (I swear that somehow the bitches at NBC fixed this one - they want that game)

Let's go, Pens!!!!

Allison said...

"Christine Simpson probably had something to do with it."_ im in love with kim and zowe

and o,mg , i didnrt see this gamem but oh man, it sunds so depressing...


shirts t wipe up semes? you two BITCHES really make everything better.

poor tanger,... i think i waw texting abou thim to anyone that would listen tonight .... oh noy..... maybe 19yearlolds arent allowed to drink for a reason.


ps- this toolk me 4 times to login

Allison said...

oh, and btw, i feel bad abut comombus... like, not on ly do i not want the red wings to see sucess, but i really have liked fattie nash since he was drafted, and i wanted to esee them have sucess... im quite proud of them this year, and i hope they keep getting in the playofss

Kat said...

Drunk Allison? YAY! Good lord, after this game then being stuck in the god awful Honda center watching the Sharks completely shit the bed, makes for an extremely depressing day.

Lori said...

Sidney Crosby is bound to crack one of these days and just tell one of those smarmy female reporters to eat his dick.

Would you like to take bets on when this will happen? I think when it does happen, I'll be too giddy to properly distribute money to the winner.

Jess said...

Biron did what Fleury did to them in game 4. It happens. The good news is, the Pens are still up. It's very unlikely that Philly can beat the Pens twice in a row. Although Biron has been better than usual, it's also very unlikely that Biron can do that in back to back games.

Last year, the Pens swept the Sens, beat the Rags and Philly in 5, and lost in 6 to the Wangs. Perhaps a lot of fans were getting used to completely annihilating the competition with these quick series in recent history? As PH would say, Let's not get greedy, bitches.

Pierre's song dedication to Richards: Tomorrow, tomorrow, I'll love ya tomorrow.

Jess said...

BTW, I'm shocked that a member of Good Charlotte was nominated for the Norris. I didn't realize those dudes played hockey.

25superstar said...

i'm just waiting to see Sid fly off the handle.

the CSN feed i was watching kept asserting that the goals "showed that Marc-Andre Fleury is human"...i was like, hm, thanks, Philly for giving us some love, but we all know that MAF is a diety.

anyway, great recap for a soul-sucking game.

Kate said...

"excuse me did you even watch the game why am i even speaking to you"

and

"sorry too busy pimping to respond to questions"

that's why PH is a big deal.

wrap around curl said...

I was screeching and hollering at my tv. I was making french toast for dinner and then found out the Jackets lost and then I said "oh for the fuck of shit..."

Fight Club just turned ten. Can you believe it?

I believe the Pens will get it done in filthy Philly.

Amy said...

Once Sid tells the reporter to eat his dick, I think she would probably happily oblige.

eyebleaf said...

Fuck Aaron Asham. What a bitch.

wmh said...

i was on the WBS pens website and there was this thing about bobbleheads so i clicked it and they said something about a colby armstrong bobblehead, so of course i had to go to google and search for colby armstrong, and i found a website about colby's wedding and he is getting married on june 20th!

anyway, i just have to say that i miss colby so much. i wish we hadn't traded him away last year, i know we had to but i wish we hadn't i miss him so much.

so ya, this game was meh but awesome recap as always.

Candy Man Fan said...

be sure to check out the guy and little kid behind Fleury's right shoulder

that's really my only comment. I can't watch the game tomorrow. I might not even have my phone on me. I will probably be nauseous all day

Raybin said...

Whenever life sucks and the Pens blow a game they should've won and you know the Pensblog staff will just be too depressed to do a recap....PuckHuffers FTW. What a performance

Re: the "wut?" picture...Nice to see Liam Neeson attended the game as Darkman.

Rangers, do something worthwhile for once in your life and finish the Caps tonigh, pls? thx.

pinkskittlesfun said...

This recap is helping me through the day just like a crapload of booze helped me through last night. Seriously, the names you give your photos are incredible.

MadMax84 said...

Man, Raybin, way to put it home. So true. I almost didn't want to turn on my laptop today, let alone read Pens blogs, because I had fire in my belly in a bad way. But PH just moved my emotions from burning frustration to steely resolve with a dash of HOLYSHITWECANTOTALLYDOTHISDON'GIVEUPTHEFAITHLET'SGOPENS.

Thank you Zoe and Kim.

Also, several random thoughts:
1. Drunk Allison=WOOO!
2. I'm giving all the CBJ fans, most of all our very own PH, a big ole Internet hug right now.
The only fact worse than getting blanked by f'ing French toast was the Mule scoring the go-ahead on Fattie Nash and co. Where's Gary Roberts when you need him to randomly punch Franzen in the head?
3. Buries It is the definition of steely resolve in that screen grab. I shall model mine after 66's.
4. Sid's screenshot is so illustrative of his 'thisclosetofreakingout' visage. Either that or someone just told him playoff players have to grow BEARDS, not sissy-boy lip-warmers.
5. Third-line=virility.
6. Though I'm by no means a Miro OR Boucher fan, they both did decent. Though No. 43's turnover didn't help matters any.
7. Tanger needs to get well ASAP. Sykkie just needs to do something. Now. My patience is wearing thinner than Sid's stache.

Have faith, lest Curry smite thee down. LET'S GO PENS!

MadMax84 said...

PS: Let's all get our game on for the Baby Pens tonight. DO IT!

Allison said...

Oh man...baby pens tonight as well? I have so much to drink to tonight, it being KTang's birthday and all.

Nysha said...

Thank you for the hope, PH. Thank you. And on that note, I'd like to say that as nice as it would be to close out the series at home, I think the guys really deserve some downtime in between series, because we all know the only reasonable outcome of the series: we fucking win.

PS> The third line rocks my world. Almost as much as the third line "hope" Blingee does.

Oatmeal Love Affair said...

What birthday is complete without an obnoxious blingee?

Happy birthday, Tanger

Annie S said...

Because there's still an hour and a half left of his birthday...

Annie S said...

Bah, Oatmeal Love Affair, you beat me to it!

I like yours better though. The fleur-de-lis flags are what make it.

Hept-Rossi said...

I have to disagree with you about Satan. I was at the game and thought he was actually one of only a few players who generated legitimate scoring chances. I actually thought he was an improvement over Sykora because Satan had more chances in this game than Sykora has had in the last month. I think Sykora is hurt and that is why he has played like shit so it makes sense to dress a healthy Satan.

 
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Puck Huffers by Kimberly Davidson and Zoë Hayden is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.