Retarded afternoon games fuck everything up.
If you're like me, you have two papers to write this weekend.
But the unwritten rule of being from the Pittsburgh area is that sports always come first.
So, join me as I recap this game instead of doing my homework, because hockey is better than 20-page research papers on Soviet photography.
The Ukraine contingent agrees with me. Fedotenko--what a game.
Do your pimp strut into the awards show tonight, boys. You're on a roll.
MOMENTS YOU KNEW WE WEREN'T LETTING THIS SHIT GET AWAY FROM US
The boys are on fire to start everything off. Guerin-Crosby-Kunitz is as hungry for goals as you've ever seen a top line. Bylsma puts the fourth line out just to fuck with the Rangers' defense. Talbot is fu manchu city, always a good sign.
Then Tyler Kennedy goes batshit on Sean Avery.
The referee attempts to subdue Avery as he is enthusiastically ejaculating.
TK Thunder is pimp city, and there's no way we're ever losing again.
THE MOMENT THAT FOR SOME OF US WAS CLOUDED BY ALCOHOL
Reader Kim was having a Staal Brothers Drinking Game party at her house this afternoon with the fine broadcasting team at MSG, and, by all accounts, everyone in attendance is too bombed to even be aware of this recap. However, if you were watching FSN Pittsburgh, you got your shots in as well. Steiggy is forced to specify which Staal he's talking about, and you're still trying to find some chips to chase that orange Smirnoff when Fedotenko sends Max off to the fucking races.
Henrik is struck by the sudden realization how enormous his five hole just was.
I KNOW RIGHT FEDS IT MUST BE THE MUSTACHE AGAIN OR MAYBE IT'S MY SOUL PATCH WHATEVER IT IS I'M FUCKING HOT RIGHT NOW HUH? OH YOU TOO MAN YOU TOO. DON'T HATE.
BEST EFFORTS BY MSG TO FUCK YOU UP
My Lan was watching the New York feed and was sober enough to provide us with the evidence.
You know the rules: that's a doubleshot.
NET CRASHING 101
Matt Cooke may or may not be aware that he's already been part of CMNF this season. Nor Evgeni, nor Talbot. They must be playing for pride or something at this point. Evgeni gets the puck to the net, Talbot whacks at it, Cooke backhands it, and then does a nifty little slip to the forehand to poke it past Lundqvist.
Henrik looks over his shoulder to Dubinsky, blames him instantly for the goal, kind of like someone just busted a load all over his back.
Malkin is lurking somewhere, probably fucking bitches in the stands, upon achieving a career high 107 points on the season.
Mattie is glowing like he just won the Nobel Prize over here.
"THAT'S VERY INTERESTING, HAL GILL"
The Rangers PP is awful, their PK is apparently Jesus, and the Pens PK isn't bad either, which means that any time either team ran a power play, you were just expecting a whole lot of nothing.
On the PK, MAFer has to make some huge save.
We finally get it out.
Harold Priestley joins the shorthanded rush, almost makes something happen.
If you haven't had to go to the bathroom yet with all that liquor in your system, you definitely have to go now.
Please Hal. . .feel free to do that to us more often.
THE ONLY FACEOFF THAT MATTERED
Max is feeling like a serious pimp and batting 100% on his faceoffs.
In the heat of the moment, he ends up losing a defensive zone draw to Gomez.
Gomez finds Avery, finds Callahan, finds some open space. Goal.
An old friend joins the Rangers for their celebration.
Avery dispels any doubts that he has a huge fucking mouth.
THE HONORARY DANY SABOURIN WRAPAROUND AWARD
Remember Sabu getting jobbed on bad wraparounds?
Fleury usually makes wraparounds look easy to stop. It's usually like trying to come around the corner of a giant brick building.
Dubinsky prayed to Curry that he might be able to stuff this one in with four seconds left, and Curry decided to give us all a karma lesson. Don't fuck with your goalies.
BEST MOTIVATIONAL FACES
Bob Errey has very specific feelings about the last few minutes of that period.
Trying as hard as he can to be mature, Max tells America the boys plan to "refocus and come back harder."
We don't quite have this one in the bag, do we?
Time to not disappoint.
The report from MSG is that Marc Staal did an interview and was asked about playing againt JStaal 1.0. We'd be surprised if anyone playing the game remembers any events past the first period.
We learn, motivationally, which boys buy carbon credits because they care about the environment a la Andy Ference:
They best be riding the MBTA when they come to Boston.
BEST EFFORTS BY ERIC GODARD TO FUCK YOU UP
Drops the gloves with Orr.
Apparently the fact that TK fought Avery earlier distracted the attention away from hardcore goon purists, because this is the only fight between Godard and Orr this season that didn't get on YouTube within 10 seconds, nor was it photographed.
Needless to say, it was pretty much just like all the other ones.
Godard is still a beast.
HUGEST REASON TO RE-SIGN ROB SCUDERI
Some joke thought he had Fleury beat, but Bobby Scuds was there to chip it back out. How is Bobby Scuds always in position?
You're still crying at the beauty of the play when TK sends Staal and Fedotenko up on a 2-on-1. Derek Morris tries to take away Fedo's shooting lane, ends up giving Pittsburgh the gift of deflection.
Henrik flips out on his own defenseman like a classless bitch.
We smell a locker room cancer.
THE REASON BABY JESUS CRIES ABOUT EVEN-UPS
Cooke to the box for being Matt Cooke. Nothing blahblahblah.
Marc Staal gets penalized for throwing punches, which is apparently high sticking nowadays.
Guerin gets some bullshit interference call four seconds later and we have to play 4-on-4. Some people try to make dinner in Fleury's kitchen. 3-3.
Antropov should make a career out of scoring against the Penguins because we don't think he really does anything else.
Rangers take two straight penalties, nothing happens.
ANGRIEST JOHN TORTORELLA
Orpik gets sent to the box like 0.03 seconds into the third. Killed.
Then Colton Orr decides Mark Eaton isn't allowed to play defense anymore and smashes his face into the boards. The refs call a 5-minute major for interference, which means the Penguins get a power play that last for five minutes and doesn't even go away if they manage to bury it. But you think they'll probably need five minutes anyway. Orr is also given a game misconduct because he's a thug.
Just as Errey says "watch for the even-up" Marc Staal goes diving and we have to play more 4-on-4. Nothing.
When the Pens finally set up shop on the ensuing power play, it's a fucking joke. The best part is that the Rangers apparently didn't have anybody ready to come out of the box when it expired, so the Pens were still playing 5-on-4 and the Rangers couldn't get anyone new on until the whistle blew. Thank goodness they can ice it.
Torts flips shit. To no avail.
Clutch Beatles hoodie.
PASS THAT DIDN'T LEAD TO ANYTHING, BUT SHOULD BE EXAMINED ANYWAY
How did Crosby find Malkin coming down the right side from his fucking stomach between a defenseman's legs?
If Malkin manages to score on that, someone pees their pants.
Though apparently Marc Staal already shit himself. (Red pants = always look so grimy.)
MOMENT THAT HAPPENS EVERY SINGLE TIME THE PENS PLAY THE RANGERS
It's a Pittsburgh vs. NYR tradition. Stories are told to children as bedtime tales. Grown men get wistful looks in their eyes when they watch it. The women and girls bring their hands to their throats, unsure if they should cry or scream.
Every single game, at least once, Sidney Crosby absolutely fucking undresses Wade Redden for a good scoring chance.
Sometimes he buries it, sometimes he doesn't, but by this point it's written in the stars.
And, this time, it's 4-3.
Everyone stands and salutes, in honor of the fallen, Wade Redden the Pylon.
And hey, let's give credit here: Fedotenko with another perfect breakout pass.
BEST EFFORTS TO KEEP THIS A ONE-GOAL GAME
No one really gives a shit anymore, so Errey starts whipping out the clutch commentary.
"Did you say Korpikoski or cup of coffee? I was confused there for a minute!"
We fantasize about how one day Talbot will be someone's French Canadian Bob Errey running the color commentary like a stone-cold pimp.
Fleury does all the little things right. Makes some huge saves.
Pens end up with a 5-on-3 as the Rangers would rather take hooking and tripping penalties than let this goddamned game end already. Pens still can't get that empty netter. The empty net in the visitor's end at Mellon Arena has a better save percentage than Tim Thomas.
Thank god this game had no flow to it.
FIFTH PLACE CITY
May have at one point been familiar with the Penguins roster. Now substitutes "pregame preparations" for "furtively sipping out of his hip flask."
Jesus Paul Alexander is annoying.
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Max Talbot - He was flying. Good job, baby. As per some douche from some website, how much for mustache rides? More importantly, why wasn't Max in this video? (Big ups to Allison for the link.)
2. Brooks Orpik - Beast. 3 hits, assist city. Like many Penguins defensemen, has already hit a career high for points this season.
3. Wade Redden - When your defensive game amounts to standing still and trying to hook people, you know you're doing quite well.
Pens are off for about ten years so we'll try to think of other exciting things to entertain you.
What a game.
Oh, and by the way, the March portion of Comeback City has been completed. If you're running a portable computer version, feel free to use the auto-sum feature in your favorite spreadsheet program:
Damn straight, bitches.
GODDAMN IT NEW JERSEY CAN'T WE FUCKING TRUST YOU
This should have been the game-winner. Brodeur was posting a shutout with 40+ saves until the latter half of the third when team EStaal turned him into a woman. Carolina wins, 2-1.
Philly and the Islanders are about to go to OT or something. Vomit.
Panthers suddenly on top of the Stars for no apparent reason (probably the Jack in Turco's water bottle).
CBJ currently losing to St. Louis.
And to think this all started out so well.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Retarded afternoon games fuck everything up.