The Blackhawks had our boys dead to rights for twenty straight minutes.
The way they looked combined with how horrific Pittsburgh's special teams were, the Penguins had absolutely no right to come out of this with two points.
United Center knows this. They gave two of their three stars to Blackhawks. Malkin got the #2 despite being invisible for nearly the entire game, except for those three or so shifts where he was taking over the world, but Malkin could have those if you to blindfolded him and put him on a line with Rico Fata.
You'll notice that our Bylsma radar has been "business" for awhile.
It'll be like that until the Pens settle into a playoff position.
Tonight, while a roller coaster of love, is no cause for celebration.
Letting yourself get ruined by Jonathan Toews like that is unacceptable.
Where's Herb Brooks when you need him to make you skate suicides?
What a rollicking awards show we have for you. What a way to start a road trip.
WORST PERFORMANCE BY QUICKTIME
The good people at Yahoo were running a feed of this game.
As far as we understand, the good people at ATDHE were bogarting it.
We learn the starting line is Kunitz-Staalsy-President TK.
Blahblahblah no idea what's going on everyone looks like a smudge and I keep losing my audio.
I am greeted by a frozen image on my screen:
WELL HELLO THERE JSTAAL
The replay lets us know what really happens. Long shot by Gonchar and Huet has never seen a hockey puck before in his life. He drops it to Jordan Staal on the doorstep. WHOOPS.
Thanks Quicktime. I didn't even get to see it for real.
THE LONELIEST LITTLE PENALTY KILL
Fedotenko gets a penalty for shooting the puck out of play.
The Hawks power play is clearly not a joke despite its recent struggles, but the Pens are everywhere.
Hal Gill is singlehandedly preventing their unit from carrying the puck past the blueline.
JStaal gets it deep, feeds Dupes from the goal line, and Huet remembers that he's a goaltender in time to make the save.
Only shot on the Hawks PP was by the Penguins.
We could get used to this.
Unfortunately, no one thought to ask this killer PK out on a second date.
Oh yeah, and when did we call up Tim Wallace?
I had no fucking idea.
ALASKAN STORM COME HOME.
THE "WELCOME TO PITTSBURGH" AWARD
JStaal shoots it wide. Bounces off the boards to. . .
#14 Chris Kunitz
Kunitz actually goes to the fucking net and knows how to finish.
What an acquisition.
The period isn't even half over and Staalsy and Kunitz have a goal and an assist each. With each other.
Sometimes, chemistry happens when you least expect it.
LEAST WORRYING MOMENTUM SHIFT
Fleury actually starts having to make some real saves.
Malkin gets about a year and a half to walk in on Huet, but you can't expect a French whore to give it up every time.
President Kennedy hooks someone up.
Instant shot from the center point by Cam Barker. Toews gets the deflection.
Bay of Pigs: maybe it wasn't Ryan Whitney's fault?
The Pens need the period end so they can regroup, because Chicago is looking like a machine. Time ticks down. Get it back, boys.
BEST JSTAAL FACE OF THE EVENING
Just when I thought the still frame given to me by Quicktime was the best performance by Thunder Bay's finest, I catch Jordan doing this:
CUTEST FLUFFY INTERVIEW ON THE BLOCK
I apparently saved this as "poor kitten.jpg."
Because Kunitz filmed a Potash segment and was fucking endearing.
He was traded on his wife's birthday.
His wife is pregnant and he doesn't get to go home.
The fact that he is being such a good sport about this is pretty incredible.
We can't imagine what he's going through.
Thank you, Chris Kunitz.
THE CHANCES YOU SHOULD HAVE CAPITALIZED ON
Satan takes his sweet time setting up a shot wide open in front of Huet.
Fleury made an unreal pass up-ice to Sykora, who could have had a goal if he wasn't trying to feed Talbot. Fleury would have had the primary assist. Beast. Unfortunately nothing happened.
Talbot makes up for Sykie's mistake by drawing an interference penalty, but we're more likely to score without it.
Gonchar with the holding penalty.
Toews shows up.
The Pens get a power play and are going crazy, but Huet says no.
Letang drew the hooking penalty and was being fucking absurdly amazing on that power play.
It would have been a poetic justice if he'd buried it.
We're just going to throw this picture in here because we have no idea when this happened or what was going on.
BEST ROUGHING EVER
We're pretty sure every time Godard gets on the ice he takes a penalty.
Again, this time he managed to sit in the box without fighting.
We'd say he's a liability but this was just too hilarious.
Dustin Byfuglien fell down as he was skating with the puck.
Godard hit him anyway.
He is such a thugmonster.
Pens actually kill it.
FAKEST HATTIE (SORRY)
Fedo shoots it over the glass. Again.
Toews is a deflection machine. High sticks aren't allowed, though.
War room says "sorry, Jonny, you're gonna have to get it some other way."
If we were Chicago fans, we would have been like "WHATEVER BITCHES WE'RE STILL WINNING."
The people in the red jerseys in the stands do not seem so confident.
Just wait til the third, everyone!
We thought Tenk's penalty would never end, but somehow it does.
Matt Cooke and someone else go off for roughing.
Then Pens get another power play, but you know they're not scoring.
Just as the clock runs out on the PP, Fedo forces a turnover, passes to Satan, who shovels it into a wide open net.
Talbot needs less than thirty seconds to pass it to Cam Barker's skate and give Cristobal the clap.
Most arenas don't give #1 stars to defensemen who deflect the puck into their own goalie's five hole. . .believe us, we know.
Are you there, God? It's me, Max, and I'm scoring garbage goals again like I'm in the best shape of my life.
Why does Talbot always have to make these faces?
How demoralizing for Toews.
THE PERIOD THE PENS SHOULD HAVE LOST IN REGULATION
Hawks put in some Finnish kid to start the third because Huet is obviously a sieve.
He's Finnish and he's a goalie, so we probably like him.
Incidentally, there is also a Finnish footballer named Antti Niemi who plays goal. But he's not the one we're looking for. Finally, a Google search for "Antti Niemi hockey" gives up the goods:
Niemi and his hair only have to make four saves the entire period.
Meanwhile, Fleury manages to stop 18 of 20.
20 shots allowed in a single period?
Tazer right off the bat with his first career hattie after Satan takes a retarded penalty.
Let's be honest, the boy has earned it.
Fucking ice sluts.
No one likes an ice slut.
People should really start telling their daughters that.
Errey wonders aloud if "the new rules under Obama" will allow Chris Kunitz to claim his fetus on tax day.
We're not kidding.
We have to start wondering about an anti-American plot emerging from the seedy underbelly of Chicago.
Tyler Kennedy is "sick" and will not be seen for the rest of the game.
Is this a poisoning? Some old-school Roman attempt at an assassination? Will they start making Kris Letang taste all of his food?
Rob Scuderi shoots the puck over the glass and that's delay of game.
We somehow kill it.
Oh wait, Bolland.
Havlat tries to put it home but gets tag-teamed by Gonchar and Eaton in a back alley.
Havlat and Gonchar go off for roughing at some point.
During the 4-on-4 Versteeg decides to go straight trippin'.
Period ends. Overtime power play.
THE "WE TOTALLY SAW IT COMING. . .NO, REALLY" AWARD
Antti Niemi makes his shocking fifth save of the night on Kunitz.
After the manpower-strength-how-many-fuckers-are-supposed-to-be-on-this-ice-surface?! situation gets sorted out with the penalties expiring and Versteeg still dropping acid in the box, Pens set up shop for a 4-on-3 power play. Gonchar's presence is felt.
Somehow the Pens maintain possession in their own zone without looking like the fucking ECHL. Gonchar gets the puck, and oh boy does he wait.
His patience is like a blanket over the city of Chicago. He tucks it in and kisses it goodnight.
Feeds Malkin. Slapshot. Niemi decided it was a great time to go butterfly.
Oh Mother Russia. How good you've been to us.
WHY AREN'T YOU DEAD
We really like Yeo as a person.
But if he's going to keep running this same PP and expecting Gonchar to take minute-long shifts and save the team every single fucking night, I think it's pretty obvious that he needs to die.
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Jordan Staal
Probably his most complete game in a long, long time. Perhaps the most complete of his career.
2 points, +3, over 21 minutes of ice time, and 4 shots.
2. Marc-André Fleury - Can't knock 91%. GAA reflects more on the team in front of a goalie than the goalie himself when he's above .900. Fleury was unfuckingreal in the third period. Don't you forget it.
3. Harold Priestley Gill, III
Because Troy Brouwer will never recover from this moment.
Honorable mention to the press photography at United Center.
If the new Pens arena can get photography angles like this, we might miss Mellon about 1/10 less.
So. Many. Pictures.
btw, we think Adam Burish played about as much as Sidney Crosby tonight.
Friday, February 27, 2009
The Blackhawks had our boys dead to rights for twenty straight minutes.