Tuesday, February 24, 2009

fat, slutty tuesday.

It's that time of year where, if there isn't hockey, we start to feel sorry for ourselves. Even the Blue Jackets game can't drag us out of our endless boredom inspired by the lack of Pens hockey.

We know it's bad when even Jerk City won't let us forget that hockey isn't on.
We don't even understand this strip. But we do know it made us stare longingly into the night.

What do you do on off days when you are just lounging in your home, apartment or dorm room? Do you watch television shows and envision the lead characters speaking like Malkin? Do you try to create some sort of bastardized version of hockey that you can play with your dog? Do you sit at your computer longingly refreshing Puck Huffers in hopes we will post more coloring pages? That mullet is magical.

It's hard to avoid the call of school work and life duties when there isn't hockey around to distract you. You might end up doing something terrible like paying bills or doing homework. We seriously discourage you setting down this dark path. Don't do anything rash, people. We're here for you.

The Lenten Fast is upon us. We've come to realize that whether or not someone actually gives up something for Lent has nothing to do with their religious affiliation. It's time for all people of assorted beliefs to come together and celebrate a feat of self control.

Last year my roommate gave up sex and it lasted twenty-one hours.
What are the Penguins giving up? Certainly not sex.
We have some serious guesses.

THE SACRIFICE OF THE PENGUINS

Sidney Crosby - Obsessively refreshing TSN to see if Colby is coming home and no one told him.

Tyler Kennedy - One third of his ponies and all of the bitches he pimps, save maybe one. You can't expect the man to give up his livelihood.

Brooks Orpik - Blinking. Once and for all.

Max Talbot - Blueberry-flavored syrup and modernist architecture.

Kris Letang - Giving us any hope that we might avoid accidentally thinking he's attractive in our weakest moments.
Mr. Letang, if you run your hand through your hair one more time, I swear...

Evgeni Malkin- Strawberry jam. Teaching J.Staal dirty phrases in Russian under the assumption that he is saying "please", "thank you", and "This is some delicious borscht, Mrs. Gonchar."

Eric Godard - Steak between the hours of 3 a.m. and 6 a.m.

Petr Sykora- Chapters 7 and 12 in "The Quintessential Kama Sutra".

Ryan Whitney- Fleece sweaters and bad jeans. We hope.

Jordan Staal
- His requisite yearly display of sex hair.

Marc-Andre Fleury- Temporarily relinquishing his position of leadership at the North American Soul Patch Conference.

Sergei Gonchar- His biweekly study at the Carnegie Museum of Art.

OTHERS


Rick Nash
- 85% dark chocolate, heavy cream when not in baked goods, juices comprised of more than 50% artificial flavoring.

John Curry- Omnipresence for 20 seconds out of every day "Just to see what weird shit happens."

Vesa Toskala- Herbal Essences shampoo. He will temporarily be using Garnier Fructis.

Cal Clutterbuck- Ain't givin' up shit.

If you have any other theories or suggestions, let us know. Remember, it has to be something they love dearly or it isn't a sacrifice.


A few minutes ago we were sent an e-mail by Brandon about something on Puck Daddy.
Scarlet Caps
(Give me a break, the Penguins browser theme was horrible)

Yes, this is what it looks like. It is the Caps organization reaching out to female fans. It's so offensive that we can't really even think about what to say. Apparently we've been looking at the male versions of NHL websites. Must be time to update my toolbar, because how on earth can I navigate the man's world of hockey without some help?

Included in the offensive materials on this site is the prominent "Hockey 101" feature, because if you have ovaries you obviously need to spoon fed the rules of the game. We are told: "Impress even the most hardcore hockey fans with your knowledge of the game. Go ahead, see if you can stump them with these fun and interesting factoids."

Also, we get amazing player profiles, complete with glamour shots of the Caps team. Why are so many players peering from under the collars of their jackets? Is that something we missed in "Being a Woman 101" while we were too busy watching hockey? Can we get a website with interesting facts like how we need to be more attracted to men because of high contrast and artistic lighting? We have so many questions for you, Capitals organization.

We're not going to comment. Well, actually, we will comment. As women and not as hockey fans. We don't understand the purpose of this website because the Caps don't even have any bangable players. Take that.

[edit] Wraparoundcurl feels us. She does some amazing Tyra-esque photo commentary here. "C’mon NHL, treat your dames better." Praise Curry.

If you requested a desktop background, it's coming.
Hope your Mardi Gras was aces.
Tomorrow is a must win.
Go Pens.

26 comments:

Kevin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
FDeuce said...

i was in the mood to color! tomorrows game is as doable as hilary duff. o man, too bad she wont be in attendance tomorrow and i cant mock comrie through my tv set. anyone else stoked tangalang is gracing us with his presence on the ice tomorrow?

Annie S said...

Mike Green is a FATTIE!





Yeah, I said it.

Annie S said...

The only halfway good-looking one is Fedorov, and he's old and kind of weird.

LouLou said...

Okay, now you made me want to go to the Pens site to find videos of Tanger running his hand through his hair...Oh, and Vesa Toskala should probably give up his Mickey shirt or his man-purse!

rach the h said...

Bill Thomas should give up intermission interviews.

Oh wait -- he's not playing? So no interviews every game? Never mind then.

25superstar said...

AO's giving up douche-y goal celebrations. or whores. he hasn't made a decision on that one yet.

Fedo decided to be a really Soviet and give up smiling. But then he heard Geno teaching JStaal Russian and broke his Lent.

Miro decided to give up being a creeper, but then he looked in the mirror...

it's late, and i'm in the throes of Pens withdrawl

katepghfan said...

Annie - your comment on Fedorov being old made me laugh - he is still a hell of a player - I always kind of liked him really - I think him coming to Washington really helped that team a lot - he adds a good defensive presence and leadership - and, while he may be 'old' he still has a nice smile - lol

and, Billy T just has to give up sitting in the press box for Lent, period

The Goon Blogger said...

Really though, it's gratuitously hard for a Russian hockey player to not look damn good.

Somehow Ovechkin pulls through and is weird and neanderthalish despite being a Russian hockey player.

Aleksey Morozov is the best looking Russian hockey player alone, just sayin'. His smile alone is worth a signing bonus.

jovi said...

they've freed Letang !!!!

I happy as balls! can't wait to get my tanger-on... to see him wet his hair and shove it into his helmet. the way he always ask Fluery if he saw his block shot.

come on 7:30

Allison said...

Great fucking post...

I think dipietro should give up his theivery, cause he has like, 13 more years to rob the Isles blind.

Hossa should give up his backstabbing.

Bob Errey should give up his overtly sexual comments, because he clearly loves to make Steigy uncomfortable. On second thought, I really hope Errey doesnt really follow lent, cause I *love* hearing about JStaal's loooooooong stick every time I watch a penguin game.


And I must beg to differ with your take on the caps having no good looking players on their team... Have you SEEN Theodore... Goddamn, just seeing thoes glamour shots of him had me digging out the old hockey scrapbook from 10th grade, which had a whole section dedicated to Jose. Seriously, that man is hot.

jovi said...

wow, went through that crappy scarlet website... that is one UGLY team.

hideous. most of the players look like someone just pulled them out of their cardboard box behind the arena.

Hand of Godard said...

I thought Whitney started lent early when he began giving up the puck.

Kimberlass said...

Annie, why did you do that to me? I looked at that photo and made a terrible noise. Something along the lines of "mmmmfffff."

When, after a second of staring, I realized who it was, I was damn near suicide.

You were almost the end of Puck Huffers, Annie. Are you proud of yourself?

sleza said...

Just a thought of Garnier Froctis makes me cry. The Vesa should give up opening his five hole. Or man purses

And the new Capitals site... My mind exploded and not in a good way

HAW HAW HAW eh said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
debrisslide said...

Allison--I just have to disagree with you about Jose Theodore. He might be hot, in a certain lighting, if he didn't look like an airbrushed man-skank. But we agree on other things, so it's all good. ;)

slow.tuesdays said...

I've been reading for awhile, but finally had to leave a comment. a). sacrifices for lent is awesome! I had to fight to keep from laughing in the middle of class.

b). Wow to the Scarletcaps site, with a little bit of WTF on the side. It really feels like they're saying to me, "Hey honey, we know your boyfriend hasn't spent a lot of time with you lately because he's been watching the Caps. So come over here and learn a little bit about the sport so you can impress him, and at the same time, you won't bother him by asking a bunch of annoying questions."
Yeah, it's a slap in the face to the pre-existing female fans that had no idea they couldn't navigate the "regular" website, but it's a slap in the face to the potential new ones too.

FDeuce said...

@hand of godard

hahahaha. agreed.

The Goon Blogger said...

How did no one comment on what Hand of Godard said about Whitney? What a job! Brilliant, and I'm one of the staunchest Whitney defenders.

Annie S said...

ahaha, sorry Kim! It wasn't intentional, I'm tellin' ya.

KD said...

Allison, I'll give you Jose Theodore. I concur!

Scarlet Caps is really an insult to female hockey fans everywhere. Do they really think we need glamour shots with bad attempts at bedroom eyes to make us like hockey. Come on.

KD said...

Petr Sykora is also giving up run-on sentences. He's so much of a man, he's making two sacrifices. He will not be heard from until Easter.

Hand of Godard said...

I have also been a Whitney defender for a long time, but lately he has been indefensible, if that's a word.
Looking forward to tonight's game. Got a pair of tickets near center ice.

Vortican said...

Scarlet Caps?! vomit city

Anyways, thought you might like to know, puck daddy over at yahoo quotes puckhuffers in their response to this fiasco:
http://sports.yahoo.com/nhl/blog/puck_daddy/post/Capitals-all-female-fan-club-Isn-t-it-time-men-?urn=nhl,143933#remaining-content

teri springer said...

Hmmm....I refuse to give up anything for Lent. And, in that frame of mind, I agree with Allison- Theodore is a cutie...like a puppy. I prefer the bad-boy hence, my love of Max. But for Tanger, I make an exception.

Nicknames: (and I apologize in advance for the first one. I really DO like Cal, but the name just hit me)

Clutterbuck = Clusterfuck

Ovechkin- "Great 8" becomes "Grape Ape" (you're too young to remember the cartoon but Ov reminds me of a gorilla).

And I'm going to "Skates and Plates"! Just wish you could choose who your "waiter" is going to be....Max can taste my soup anytime he wants....

teri

 
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