Friday, January 30, 2009

throw a parade in wilmington fucking delaware.

EXCUSE ME EVERYONE IN ATTENDANCE TONIGHT.
CAN YOU FUCKING BELIEVE THIS?
NEITHER CAN WE.

You know, normally we sit here and tell you how Brooks Orpik is the manliest fuck on the planet, how virtuous Scuds is, how Whits is just a saving fucking grace, and then we gripe a lot about Mark Eaton.

Not today. Oh no, not after the defensive meltdown of two-thousand-fucking-nine happened out there on the ice today. Eaton appeared out of nowhere and took over and almost managed to save us despite all of the tomfoolery.

MAF should get to punch these guys in the balls for ruining his awesome, show-stopping game.

We love you boys, but we are livid.
These awards...
Fucking take them and don't look us in the eyes.

THE MOMENT YOU WERE PROBABLY BITCHING ABOUT TOO MUCH
We had the New Jersey broadcast of this shit, but it all started out the same way. Doc Emrick was being honored for some shit and you were probably too busy being a dickhead to pay attention to the amazing ceremony. Seriously. It was fantastic. Thinking about is calming my anger for like ten seconds.
First of all, this haircut got to take the stage for a minute:Those of us paying attention got to meet Joyceann, Mary, brother Dan and Ryan Salt. If you didn't appreciate that cast of characters you're out of your fucking mind.
Then Doc talked for like ten seconds and thanked both teams because he's a class act. And then he got some prizes we would kill for like this amazing etched glass:
LOOK HOW ENVIOUS EVERYONE IS.

He even got this amazing painting.
The resemblance is fucking uncanny.


MOST REPRESENTATIVE MOMENT OF THE ENTIRE GAME
From the first five minutes you could tell the entire mood of the game. Fleury is already making enormous saves. The man is on fire. Maxime and Pascal are acting like Crosby and Malkin, looking hungry and alive. They are tearing down the ice for any shit that they can see. It's clear that they are not taking this lightly. Eaton is after the puck like it's what made him suck the past few seasons and he wants some revenge.

Our forwards are like fucking velociraptors ganging up on any stray shit. When it gets through, MAF is doing his best impersonation of a net filled with cinder blocks. It is clear that we are just not letting this shit happen tonight.

Minard gets some lame delay of game shit. Not like we care. Not like we're going to let anything happen.

GOAL YOU BARELY NOTICED BECAUSE YOU WERE STILL SCREAMING ABOUT THE ONE BEFORE IT
Whits sends the puck flying from the point and Talbot meets it halfway. He takes it to a seedy motel and makes sweet, sweet love to it. Completely inspired, it leaves straight for the net.

You haven't even stopped talking about it when Malkin, Sykora and Crosby make some magic happen.

It's 2-0 and you have no clue what's going on.
But you know it's good.

BEST FORESHADOWING THAT YOU DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE
Holik answers one of the goals pretty quickly.

You don't care. Our boys have fire in their eyes.
You watch the replay.
Was that...
No...that wasn't Whits being soff on his guy.
Was it?
No.
But...
Maybe?

You put it into the back of your mind and resolve not to worry about it ever again.
Minard takes your mind off of it by almost getting one in but John Madden saves it on the line in a way reminiscent of Eaton's famous toe catch.

Brooksy gets called for interference shortly after.
Whits fucking up behind the net flashes in your mind.
No, no. It's all just a coincidence.

FORWARD ACTION WE'VE MOST DESPERATELY MISSED

The Devils' PP is more ridiculous than we could have imagined. To start it off Talbot makes you think he's going to get the shortie breakaway we call him getting every game. We're pissed when he leaves us wanting more. Little did we know it was just foreplay.

Then Dupuis takes it into Devils' territory, maneuvering around what seemed like the entire team. It's Dupuis versus the fucking world for a few seconds. He makes it look easy. When the Devils finally decide to throw something at the net, MAF is a fucking wall. The period ends with the shots at 18-7 but the score at 2-1. Eat it.

MOST IMPRESSIVE START TO A PERIOD YOU'VE SEEN SINCE TWENTY MINUTES AGO

The second period starts out like you want it to. The Devils do some great work around the net that really just serves as good PR for Fleury, who is fucking relentless. In case you weren't impressed he threw in a diving poke check for shits and giggles and highlight reels.

Billy Thomas finally gets it out and you could mistake him for Crosby, tearing down the ice through a screen of opposition like that.

You learn that Shane Doan is apparently the new Petr Sykora as far as two goal games go. Sorry Shane Doan, we really don't feel anything for you. You should be happy with two goals in a game. Don't bitch to us about it...wait a second...
...did MAF just check Clarkson? What? Devils television refers to MAF's puck handling as "mysterious." We have other words for it but we won't talk about it. Man had an unreal game.

Brooks Orpik gets crosschecked and we have a chance to widen the gap. Do it, boys.

MOST REDEEMING MOMENTS OF THE BROADCAST
Sorry, anyone watching FSN. You got to hear Bob Errey and Steiggy. We didn't. So we don't feel that bad that you had to miss possibly the greatest moments
in sports broadcasting history.

Take a long, hard look at that photo. We had to. For a very, very long time that was all that was visible on our screen.
Those are Doc's newest dogs.
One is totally uninspired and we don't care about it.
The other one?
The other one is named JoyBells.
We're both naming our first born after it.

Somewhere in a faraway land, hockey is being played. Allegedly the Devils keep us to the outside and kill the PP pretty well. Really? Is that so? Can we take a look?
No? Okay.
We're laughing too hard about JoyBells to care anyway.

Eventually we part ways with JoyBells to see Mike Lange compliment Doc for a second. We can handle that. We will take any opportunity to gaze lovingly at Mike Lange.

When we get back to hockey, TK is being a beast and MAF is standing tall.
Nothing different from before we took our JoyBells break, really.

WORST PENALTY ALL SEASON NOT CALLED ON MATT COOKE

Can someone explain this to us?
Even the Devils announcers were baffled.
Crosby viciously attacks the air, and the refs aren't fucking taking that shit, no way no how. You can't just attack the FUCKING AIR LIKE THAT WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.

Crosby's lucky they didn't throw him the fuck out. Hell, SUSPENSION COULD BE JUST AROUND THE CORNER. The league has got to crack down on this shit. AND THEN HE HAS THE NERVE TO FUCKING COMPLAIN ABOUT IT.

You are so ashamed of him. What a pussy ass whiner.

MAF kills the first half of the Devils PP. Intermission is close behind to help out.

MOMENT THAT MADE YOU CRINGE UNCOMFORTABLY AND PROBABLY CRY

After the intermission break MAF easily finishes off the rest of the PK despite some of our defensemen's best efforts for the Devils cause. He's not worried about shit. He's on fire. we get the puck onto their ice, they send it back, we exchange Christmas cards, nothing much gets done.

Somewhere behind the play Malkin is crumpled on the ice in pain. A clean hit at an awkward angle left him dry heaving and looking like he was about to fucking die. While kind of relieved that he wasn't clutching at an arm, you were just praying that he didn't have a collapsed lung. Jesus.

He manages his way to the bench, still looking like he is in an incredible amount of pain. Anyone who has ever played any sort of sport competitively felt his pain. That shit sucks.

BEST REVENGE FOR SHIT THAT SUCKS
No matter how crippling the it is initially, the pain of a hard chest hit goes away pretty quickly. And leaves you pissed. Malkin turned it into gold.

100th goal, bitches.

MOST CURIOSITY PROVOKING PENALTY
Sykie allegedly hooks Zajac. Upon review, we're not convinced. Upon even further review we find out he's getting unsportsmanlike conduct added to the laundry list of fucking horrible calls. We made a call to check up on the FSN opinion on why the fuck this was going down, and still no one knows.

Apparently Petr said a bad, bad thing.
We're not surprised. We just assume it was something like "I WILL FUCKING TIE YOU TO THE HEADBOARD."
...Not that we've thought about this before.
OKAY FINE PETR WE WON'T MAKE YOU ASK TWICE BUT PLEASE STOP LOOKING AT US LIKE THAT, JESUS.

MOMENT IT ALL WENT TO HELL AND YOU CLAWED YOUR FUCKING EYES OUT
Right away Shanny tosses one in over MAF's head. You're kind of nervous again, but the clock is winding down and you have A FEELING that we are getting this one. I mean, our forwards are fucking vicious, MAF is on fire, Eaton is suddenly the best defenseman in the NHL...

CHOKECHOKECHOKE
DEFENSIVE BREAK DOWN

Thirty fucking seconds. Srsly.

THE TOTAL VOMIT AWARD
Our forwards fucking wanted those two points. MAF was a beast.
Hockey sucks when you only have one defenseman.
PENS LOSE
4-3
OT

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

EXCUSE ME CAN YOU PLEASE FUCKING SHOW UP NEXT TIME KTHX



ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1.Marc-Andre Fleury- Was unreal. Just...unreal. Our defensemen owe him countless steak dinners for taking this game away from him.

2.Mark Eaton- We're done fucking with him for the whole season. Currently he's the best thing to every come out of Wilmington, Delaware. He actually gave a shit about this game. We can't speak enough about how happy we are with him.

3.Steve Mason- For shutting out Ottawa tonight.


Letting fans down as a whole is one thing. A small group of people fucking up the stellar performances of the rest of the group? That's just terrible. We understand that people have bad nights. Scuds can't always be perfect. Brooks was just back from an injury. Whits...well, we don't really fucking know. That was just kind of ugly. It happens, though.

Just don't let it happen again.
Please?

10 comments:

Jared said...

you may have gotten joybells, but we got a good 30 seconds of a split screen with godard on one side and godzilla on the other. This was then discussed for the rest of the game. He just leaves a trail of destruction. "Who's that other stupid chinese monster?" Oh right, some sport with some ice.

Lauren said...

We definitely ended up with the pork rinds and a Tweety Bird figurine tonight.

Annie S said...

When that Godzilla/Godard graphic came up and Steiggy and Errey were going nuts over it, I wondered aloud how much Errey had been smoking.

It's getting to the point where we should take Satan, Boucher, and maybe a couple others out back and shoot them just to get rid of the dead weight and free up cap space.

MAF, Eaton, Sid and Malkin deserve medals. I hope they realize how fucking awesome they were despite the outcome.

wrap around curl said...

Seriously, the Godzilla talk was magical. Godard can throw a car. Did you know that?

Headboards.....well that sounds fun.

rach the h said...

I was stuck with JoyBells as well. And Liberty the 2nd (wtf? give the pup its own identity).

Whitney was useless. Again. Eaton was on a whole 'nother fucking planet. Thomas deserves one of those medals (won 8 of 12 faceoffs...beast). And now that picture of Sykora will always make me think of headboards. Jesus.

x-materialize-x said...

Lauren beat me to it.

Malcolm the Ice Skater said...

You left out the best part about the crystal plaque that Emrick received: the etching had nothing to do with hockey or his broadcasting career. It was an etching of Joybells and Liberty II.

I can only hope it was an etching of the same photo that MSG+ showed on air. Is that Mrs. Emrick? Is she dead? Was she watching a Rangers/Hurricanes game and MSG+ whipped out footage of the sod farm?

Hept-Rossi said...

Sweet Mario Lemieux, will people stop saying Miroslav Satan is the problem! He is 4th on the team in scoring, behind the best two players in the league for crying out loud and Sykora who gets to play with Malkin half the time. His 30 points is more than Malone, Ruutu, Armstrong, Christensen, Hall, Laraque and Roberts each individually have this year. Why do I mention them? Because those were the guys we had last season and look how good we did with them.

No, the problem is Ryan Whitney. He's a piss poor defenseman (quit on the first Devils goal, out of position on the last two), has a terrible plus/minus rating (-9 in 17 games), an overated offensive presence (1 goal in 17 games), and costs way too much ($4 million a year). If you want to get rid of dead weight and cap space, he's the first to go. Add in Slow Ass Staal and you have $8 million of useless hockey player. Imagine how much better we could be with getting rid of those assholes.

If Whitney isn't gone by next Sunday, Enviro-Rossi and I will have to take matters into our own hands when we are there for the Detroit Red Wings game. We have the perfect spot for the body...under the Consol Energy Center.

Serena and Chuck said...

Annie S, speaking of shooting people out back...
I am willing to kidnap 3-4 grown men (Sid, Geno, Eaton, LeTang?) and hold them for ransom. I will demand 5 straight wins otherwise I shoot them out back. The rest of the team wouldn't want that blood on their hands. Boucher surpasses Gonchar in awesomeness and Satan puts Zetterberg to shame with his two-way play.

debrisslide said...

Serena and Chuck, you may possibly have a genius plan on your hands. We fully endorse this plan.

 
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Puck Huffers by Kimberly Davidson and Zoƫ Hayden is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.