Malkin-Kovalev-a used menstrual pad found in the Moscow sewer = best line in hockey
You see players like this work together in a game that is largely meaningless, and you wonder what could happen if, in a perfect world, they could play together with the complete package of heart, passion, and camaraderie.
They're both sick as hell.
They're both Russian.
Kovalev on a breakaway may be one of the most dangerous things in the NHL.
If only. . .
Alas, this is about the ASG, not Alexei Kovalev.
Or maybe it is.
If this was going to be about the Montreal Canadiens, there really couldn't have been a better beneficiary than Kovalev. He deserved to have this, in front of the people who love him in Montreal.
None of the other Habs deserved to start this game, really. But Kovie did.
Anyway, here's some imaginary recap:
Before the game started, some bitch with a violin and some other dudes with Habs logos painted on themselves did god knows what.
Listen: French Canadians may enjoy the weirdest entertainment ever. Don't let the Japanese fool you--everyone and their mother thinks that Asian shit is so weird that it has officially become normal. But in small pockets of the world. . .
And it makes everyone uncomfortable.
Like, did I buy tickets for the wrong event?
It kind of makes sense.
At least I'm not in Finland.
The first period was everything you expected it to be. Back and forth, nothing much happening except those unreal goals. We were right about Carey Price being scored on first, but the East players realized what a joke he was and worked on building their lead when the pickings were good.
Kovalev gets his first breakaway of the night on a great pass from Kaberle and makes it look easy.
Pat Marleau put it home late for the West to get the momentum rolling for the second.
Second period some scoring is going on, no one is really paying attention.
Versus decides to interview some egregious cocksucker who says the word "ass" and makes the interviewer very, very uncomfortable. He's still yapping when Malkin puts home one of the prettiest goals of the night.
As all of this is happening, we're wondering if an Eastern Conference All-Stars lead is safe like a lead is for the Pittsburgh Penguins. It isn't. The West just keeps on coming. I mean, I told you Milan Hejduk would be ready. The man is fucking Czech. They're always ready.
Kovalev goes in unassisted on his second breakaway of the evening. He knows what's up.
The third period is an exercise in "OH LORD CAN THE EAST TIE IT"
In overtime, Komisarek takes a penalty for hooking like the game actually matters. But it was a huge penalty kill for the East, who definitely didn't look like they were shorthanded in the least. Tim Thomas and Chas Tenenbaum are slamming the door.
It's okay though, because the East can always put Kovalev up on the shootout.
Luongo had no idea where the puck was. No idea what Kovie did to confuse him that bad.
Thank God this shit is over, right?
Back to normal hockey schedule, right?
Well, actually, the Penguins still have two days off.
Kim has a very, very special feature planned for you tomorrow.
THE WINNERS OF THE HAIKU CONTEST WILL BE ANNOUNCED ON TUESDAY
Also, if you're interested, the AHL is also having its All-Star fun tomorrow. Their skills competition was today and was whacked and I don't understand it in the least, but apparently Jeff Taffe did something for PlanetUSA.
WOOOOO JEFF TAFFE
There are three WBS boys in the game: Taffe, Minard, and Lovejoy will be there.
It's in Worcester, Mass. which is a brief train ride from my school in Boston, and tickets are cheap as shit compared to even a ballsack NHL regular season game last I checked, but I have class. Sucks to be me.